Sometimes I think mum just does not want to respond to any medication….no matter what she takes, she always says she is in pain….. mum needs assistance with toileting,showering, cooking, shopping ….. she just sits all day and tells dad and I what to do… dad is 92 and mum is 87….. dad has chronic pain too, but deals with it…. Mum demands things and cry’s all day… she says she wants to die every 5 minutes. She was always an active independent women…. She cannot accept her situation and is very vain…. I am exhausted… I live 30klm away from mum and dad and am there 4 days a week. I have help for showering 3 days a week. And a housekeeper once a fortnight. I cook for them, shop for them do banking etc…. I have no other living siblings. I was the youngest of three. We lost my eldest sister four years ago to cancer and my eldest brother had a stroke at a very young age… mum just cannot accept loosing her kids, while she is still alive. But I am alive in my mid 50’s with husband and kids and grandkids….. I feel like I am loosing it. When I am not at their house, I am calling4 or 5 times a day, just to know they are okay.
Dementia and memory impairment messes with people's ability to process and describe their pain. This may be happening with your mom. I would start with a discussion with her doctor and perhaps trying out some anxiety or mood medication.
Also, you have your own family to make a priority. If caring for your parents has become overwhelming (welcome to that club) then you must consider an alternative care strategy for them, whether they agree to it or not -- because you can't go on like you have without a more catastrophic outcome (worsen health for you, marital problems, etc). For some problems there are just no perfect (or even "good") solutions that don't cause us to grieve. Just remember to keep the main thing the main thing: your immediately family and yourself. After all, you can't be much help to them if you yourself are in a crisis. May you gain peace in your heart as you work out a solution.