my mother has moderate dementia and is risk for falling so she cannot live alone . I have a sister that helps out during the day when she can, but has no way for my mom to live with her ( both would be insane quickly)
I have the room for her and she has enough savings for 24/7 help for a few years so I can still go to work and keep her with us.
She does not want to go to a nursing home and I really do not want her be somewhere that we will not be able to see her on any kind of a regular basis like we do every night when I gethome
the biggest stress issue for me is that almost every day she tells me she needs to figure out a way to leave because she hates my husband and she knows he hates her - my husband does have some days where her presence is overwhelming but he certainly doesn’t hate her.
when she starts cursing at him she tells him to leave her, which he does and then accuses him of walking out on her in middle of the conversation
i feel bad my husband gets the brunt of her anger ( she will occasionally yell and curse me too) and I feel bad that she can’t find some peace in living with us at home because we really care about her.
This is not the mother I knew that was always so kind and polite and understanding and now I am always in the middle of this fight trying to make peace by telling him she is not well, and not to get upset she is so mean m, and by telling her that he is really trying to help,
but it just isn’t working especially with my mom.
i still want to see her and talk to her in the many
konemts she is the mother I got along with so well. I want her grandchildren and great grandchildren to be able to easily visit because this makes her feel better.
i care very much about my husband but as my mothers days grow numbered I don’t want to have choose between them or throw her out because she is sick and isn’t thinking clearly.
That would be too heartbreaking for me
You have already found out that just “being nice” is a waste of time. Persuasion doesn’t work. So change your reaction, and see if that works better. Make it so that she has an incentive to be nice.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/my-mother-is-now-living-with-me-permanently-after-a-fall-and-now-feels-homeless-what-should-i-say-to-484983.htm
I will assume here Mom has Dementia or is in the early stages. I can understand you not wanting to put her in a NH but...your husband comes first. When you marry you leave your parents. Your husband and children are #1.
I think Mom needs a good physical and if not seeing a Neurologist, she should be. Labs need to be done to check her potassium levels, her B12, her thyroid and other levels. A Neurologist can confirm Dementia and what type. Maybe Mom would do well with an anxiety medication. The one thing you don't do is argue with someone who has Dementia. They can no longer reason, comprehend or process. Thoughts just flick thru their minds and they are verbal about them. Just agree and try to redirect.
Your husband comes first.
ir is just me and her aide in the house
on the phone and when people come she is perfectly behaved
and set she insults him and I tell her that she was really not nice she apologizes to him and they have a good bonding conversation …. Till the next time
can age control herself if she wants to?
Worth a try?
Or perhaps she would be happier in assisted living ( maybe memory care ) .
You need to put your marriage first.
If Mom is unhappy in a facility , so be it. She already isn’t happy at your home. Don’t let her make you feel guilty .
IMO it’s time for a facility . And put on your thick skin because Mom will probably give you a tough time about it.
Dementia is a beast . You can’t fix Mom.
"She does not want to go to a nursing home and I really do not want her be somewhere that we will not be able to see her on any kind of a regular basis like we do every night when I gethome
the biggest stress issue for me is that almost every day she tells me she needs to figure out a way to leave because she hates my husband and she knows he hates her - my husband does have some days where her presence is overwhelming but he certainly doesn’t hate her."
At the point that my mother decides she hates my husband, it doesn't honestly matter a fig to me whether she wants to go to a nursing home or not, because that's where she IS going.
I consider my nuclear family my first priority.
Only you can make your own decisions about who matters most to you.
And I can only wish you the very best of luck with that decision.
Then you can visit every day, as you wish.
Your husband can visit occasionally if he wants, or doesnt need to visit at all.
SOunds like she just has to be out of your house.
My MIL hates me with such a loud passion. It's almost a family joke.
Except it's not particularly funny.
My MIL has verbally abused me for 45 years. Only in the past year as DH has to care for her has he actually SEEN and HEARD what I've been dealing with all that time. He's had a couple of serious fights with his mother, who wants him to divorce me so she can 'die in peace'.
I know, it seems incredible. But it's the way it is.
Dh tells me constantly that MIL is 'sick and crazy' and I have to adapt. Nope, she wasn't sick and crazy 45 years ago. There's no excuse. All he had to do was stick up for me waaay back when and this wouldn't have become the nightmare that it is.
Luckily she does not live with us and I have zero contact with her.
It is not what I wanted in a relationship with my MIL. I hate it, it still has the capacity to hurt me and the family teases me about being the scapegoat, which also isn't funny.
Your situation? Get your mom out of your house. That toxicity is just not worth it. Over the past year I have vacillated between staying with DH or leaving him simply b/c he's so depressed and awful to live with. I won't divorce him, but I'd go live elsewhere.
Your Dh deserves to have a happy home. Probably only by evicting mom are you going to get that.
Good Luck!
How awful your MIL is. When she finally goes you should celebrate. Buy yourself something nice. Take a dream vacation if you can. Or have a get together with friends. It's good that you have zero contact with her and that you're able to. Many times a spouse just moves mom or dad in and everyone is supposed to adapt.
I agree, it's not funny that the family laughs and teases you about being the family scapegoat.
My mother is to me my whole life like your MIL has been to you for the last 45 years. My family also jokes about and thinks it's funny that I'm her scapegoat. Anytime something would go wrong or happen one of my sibs or cousins would always say how I was in for it.
There were times my family and my mother's friends were actually sorry about how she treated me and they were sorry for me.
Not one was ever sorry enough to confront her about it though.
I brought in homecare for her and I speak to her maybe twice a month now. If one of our phone calls lasts a whole five minutes before I end it, that's a long conversation. I keep in touch with her aide that calls me a couple times a week. My mother is literally unable to hold a conversation with me that isn't complaining, instigating, contrary, negative, and verbally abusive. She can with other people though and does.
So I leave it to others to call her and engage with her. I don't.
Find a care center for her to move to. It is your responsibility, and you need to be strong and make the hard decisions.
What about your husband? Do you have any love or care for him at all? If you do then you'll the right thing and get your mother placed in memory care.
Dementia is a terrible illness. The kind, polite, understanding mother you knew and loved is not here anymore. Dementia took that person away. The person it left behind needs to be in memory care because that is the right decision for her and for you.
I'm so sorry you're going through this with your mom, but I will tell you something and it comes from 25 years of experience as an in-home caregiver to elderly people with dementia. I have seen many once happy and loving marriages end in vicious and bitter divorces because a needy parent or in-law gets moved into a home.
Don't do this to your husband. Don't do it to yourself. Put your mother in memory care where she belongs.
If she is not on medication to control the anger and outbursts you might want to give that a try while you are looking for Memory Care options for her.