The house he is at is lovely- it’s a small family group home and every caretaker is really wonderful. My dad calls me fairly regularly and tells me this is crazy and he needs to get out of there. He thinks the phone is tapped and whispers when he calls me. I live out of state and can often talk him down and distract but it’s getting harder- he’s not easy to distract. He’s actually fairly sharp and realizes when I’m trying to distract. He thinks they are trying to do away with him and they are going to make him disappear.
I told him I would get him out but I need some time. I also told him to promise me he won’t go til I can help. He is getting more and serious when he calls.
Any suggestions for what to say? Or is there medication for this? He’s not on any cognitive/dementia related meds.
Thank you
My dads caregivers could talk a good talk and the reality was far from the story they gave me. Maybe it is time to find dad another place to live. Just because he has dementia doesn't mean that he should be forced to stay somewhere that makes him believe they are out to get him and make him disappear.
I know how difficult this situation is and being in a different state makes it impossible, but please don't just disregard his feelings for the word of a caregiver.
we had him tested for a UTI and he’s also getting some blood work done this week so hopefully we can see if something is just out of balance. see less
Assuming that he is fine, they are able to manage him kindly so that most of the time he is not agitated and anxious, then just let your dad say what he likes to you. Listen actively so that he knows you are taking his issues seriously, and then instead of agreeing or disagreeing or proposing compromises (what do you think his promise not to leave until you get help is worth in actual reality?) ask questions to try to lead him round to a better perspective.
Also, have "reasons to go" ready so that you can bring his call to a natural, friendly end when you run out of head space.
I'm sure they are, I don't want to undermine your confidence or anything like that, but how do you know that every caregiver is wonderful in this place? In particular, are you sure that every caregiver is always tactful in how s/he responds to your father's fears? The reason I ask is this: he has a right to private conversations. If a caregiver, just for example, were to say something like "How could you tell your daughter that? You know we would never lock you away!" and he comes to suspect (rightly) that he has been overheard - then he's not being paranoid, is he. His conversations are being "tapped," only not how he thinks of it. The caregiver is aiming to reassure him but may inadvertently do the opposite.
There often are grains of truth, or at least triggers, to what even demented people imagine. Say, again for example, that a resident died recently and your father has asked where this person is, and for very good reasons - such as client confidentiality, as well as not wanting to spread alarm and despondency - nobody will tell him. Then that resident has been "disappeared" and suddenly it makes more sense that he might be afraid he's next.
To try to find the end of the thread: *what* does your father think "is crazy"? Have you explored with him what isn't making sense?
As to where medication is in this, that is for you (hopefully someone is POA for health) to discuss with a doctor. There are many medications for anxiety and Dad's dementia has moved into paranoia and hallucination. The thing is that these drug cocktails are try and try again, hit and miss, work now and not later recipes, and are anything but an exact science. The brain is the thing we know the least about, and all mental health and aging brain dementias vary in all individuals. It is worth a try. Hard thing with that is that you are dependent on those who manage the care home.
I would start with more honesty and fewer calls. Do let the care home know what you are doing so that THEY can call you when there is a need. You will soon know if calls make the breakdowns better or worse. And I would move then to asking about meds for anxiety. I sure do wish you good luck and hope you'll update us.
we had him tested for a UTI and he’s also getting some blood work done this week so hopefully we can see if something is just out of balance. see less
With dad, fibbing and diverting worked to a point as he has no short term memory but with the paranoid delusions it took calming meds to settle him down. It took a little while to get the meds adjusted but the staff at his facility did a good job. He was still delusional but was no longer thinking people were after him, stealing from him and so on. And he was not a zombie.
Dad is 90 now and I moved him near me about a year ago. I’ve had to work with the staff here to get his meds adjusted but he’s doing well, all things considered.
we had him tested for a UTI and he’s also getting some blood work done this week so hopefully we can see if something is just out of balance.