My focus is turning towards Mom, looking for advice on how to advise her.

You need to encourage your Mom to speak to her SO about what her life will be like if he is gone. If they have a loving relationship he will accommodate her. I wouldn't bring his kids in on it at this point. If you need to speak with him on her behalf, by all means do so. Don't wait until the bridge has burned. Are you close enough you can visit? I would ask him point blank.."What provisions have you made for my Mom in the event of your untimely death". Time to be "gentle" is over. JMO and good luck to you.

See a very good lawyer.

mstrbill: make sure your mother is on Medicare -- that will cover any medical -- her deductible will come out her Social Security. Do some investigating to see if she should be on a supplemental plan. Google, Google, Google. Also, you can call a Florida Elder Law Attorney and have a consult for an hour-ish. It might cost $300 for the hour, but you can have some real answers for your mother's situation. This is especially the case if your mother could stay in his house. What might happen if he goes into a care facility is the children might say they have to sell the house to pay the expenses for his care. It's a legitimate reason, because care facilities are averaging $10K a month! But if your mother has some rights to it, you need to know NOW, not after the drama has started to unfold. You need to protect your mother and you can do this with some calls to an Elder Attorney. The more you know, the more you can plan.

I think I am understanding her situation, as I was in the same boat. I have lived with a man for 28 years now.  We are not married and our state does not recognize common law marriage.  I had to insist that he put my name on the house because I have put money and time into our lives, our things...our home.  He is 13 years older than me and I explained that I would be homeless if something happened to him and if he didn't care about my future well being, I needed to leave.  He understood my concern and put my name on the house.  The big difference between my situation and hers is that my SO doesn't have children.  Sad to say, but if your mother's SO did not make provisions for her, she will indeed be in a life changing world of hurt should he pass or go into a facility permanently.  There is no way to "gently" have that conversation with your mom.  Your mother waiting on him hand and foot for 20 yrs only preserved the inheritance his children will get...it didn't provide a safety net for her.  If she has a good relationship with his children, she could flat out ask them if provisions have been made for her...then she would know for sure what she needs to do.

Your concerns are valid, but I would think Mum is not able to consider them as she deals with the impending death of her long term partner.

It is unfortunate that he possibly did not provide for your mother in his Will.

Where will she live as it is his house? Is she on good terms with his kids? Will they give her time to find a new home? Can she get on the wait lists for low income housing now?

Your mother may be distraught with the health issue right now, but, I'd get her a consult with an attorney. She may be in a very precarious situation, once her partner dies. It seems very strange that he would not have made some financial provisions for her. Is he still competent to do so? That's tricky. I'd look for legal advice. Also, why wouldn't he have Medicare at age 75? Hmm....But, if they are not married, your mother may have no interest in his debts.

Maybe, they had a verbal agreement about things, although, if it's about the house, it would need to be in writing. An attorney might be able to determine what, if any remedies she might have to protect her financial interest.

Any chance his kids would see this from your mother's perspective?

Mstbill, just my opinion but yes your mom should be concerned. Have you actually sat down and had a discussion with your mom about her & SO’s wills/trusts? Have you asked your mom if SO has his affairs in order and if she knows for sure everything is left to his kids? I will say that it’s not that uncommon for unmarried people in a long term relationship to leave everything to the kids. So if you haven’t actually had conversations with your mom about this, I think you should. Did she move in to his house? Maybe he’s left her a life estate & she can remain in the house the rest of her life and it will go to his kids when your mom passes or moves out? If her sole income is a small social security check, she needs to start planning for the future because it sounds like he will either pass away sooner than later OR he won’t return home and there could be an issue with the house and his kids. She needs to worry about her financial well being.

Some assets he may not have been able to leave to her even if he wanted to. My MIL was a public employee too, also unmarried and in a 20+ year relationship and when she retired she had 2 options-1 option was where she would receive more money every month and when she died, her personal contributions to her retirement (if any were left) would be forfeited, or she could receive less money every month and upon her death, whatever was left of her contributions would go to her husband or children. She chose the 2nd option and since she died less than 2 years after she retired, her kids got most of her personal contribution. She did not want to leave it to her significant other and even if she wanted to, the public employees retirement system wouldn’t allow it. And when she was told to get her affairs in order, she did not leave any money to her SO. Everything went to the kids. All he got was a car and a life estate, and the use the furniture and household items. They bought the house together 18 years earlier but her name was on the deed. The only thing she would agree too getting her affairs in order was a life estate for her SO with the house going to her 3 children and his 2 children upon his death or should he move out. They both paid for the house but he has no financial interest in it and cannot sell it or anything even though he did buy it with her.

The only reason I can think of, to consult an attorney over, is the house. She may have a financial interest in the house even if she isn’t on the deed and he bought it before they were together. I think she would have to show that she helped pay the mortgage. Some states also have protections for family caregivers, not the Medicaid exemption that allows a caregiver to stay in the home, this is a state law in some states and she might have rights to the house if she has been a primary caregiver for years. I would try to do as much research as possible on both of these things before you go out and get an attorney because an attorney will cost you hundreds if not thousands of dollars! But other than that, I don’t know that she has a reason to go get an attorney. She’s been his spouse so I don’t know that she would be prevail if she went after his kids for compensation after he dies.

Mr.Bill; is your mom in Texas? I know that is a state on which the teachers union has opted out of both Medicare and SS.

What is her plan for the future?

If she is not concerned, and if she has no cognitive issues, I'm not sure why you need to be concerned. As long as she understands that you are not a retirement option.

If your mom’s SO is of sound enough mind, I’d implore her talk to him about her precarious situation and make arrangements with his attorney to provide for her.

My dad’s SO’s children kicked him out of their home when he couldn’t buy them out. That was after he cared for her through her long final illness (and made himself sick in the process).

The only fair thing to do is split the estate between your mother and his children. But someone has to talk to him. She would have enough to move somewhere and find a place of her own. If he is of sound mind he could change it.