Hi – I'm a 38-year old living with my 85 year old grandma.
I moved in with her a year ago to start a farm on the land my grandfather left me. He died 3 years ago, but it took me a while to save enough funds to start.
Anyway, the issues I have are with my grandma. She is pretty healthy for her age (some blood pressure issues treated with medication and some forgetfulness), but her mental health is going downhill.
She became very depressed after my grandpa died, especially since she was alone at the farm for 3 years. She has 2 daughters (my mom and my aunt) who can't stand her – they left home at 14 because she was abusive. After my gradpa died, they visited grandma once a month to bring her the necessities, but they rarely spent more than 3 hours with her. Once I moved here, they only visit for a few hours when I ask them to bring me stuff.
Enough background, back to my grandma. She is the type to complain all the time about everything – if the sun is shining, she complains it gives her headaches. If it's cloudy, she is upset that it's not sunny and so on.
When I first moved here, I tried to talk to her but she becomes abusive fast and is extremely negative all the time. Basically, she resents me because I told her I am here to build the farm, not to cater to her needs, since she is perfectly capable of taking care of herself. Now she is trying to make my life difficult. For example, I renovated some of the buildings and she cursed the workers and threw mud on the freshly painted walls. Then she complained I do not appreciate the “legacy” my grandpa left me.
In the end, I decided to ignore her – I cook for her (since she refuses to cook for herself) and mind my own business.
This winter, since she couldn't go outside due to the cold, she became depressed again. Now she fakes all kinds of illnesses and says she is waiting to die. For example, she claims she can't walk, but a couple of hours later she inspects everything I've done around the property and then criticizes me for it.
I talked to her doctor and she said to try to get her more involved in social activities, but she refuses. She only has one friend that used to visit her and take care of shopping, but that friend is now very ill and can't visit anymore.
We have a few close neighbors, but my grandma refuses to talk to them of her own free will. When some of them visit, she cries and tells them she is sick and dying and that they don't need to come see her on her deathbed. It's making things difficult for me, as I am trying to build relationships with them.
I tried to hire someone to keep her company, but she went ballistic about “strangers in her home”, to the point that I was worried she would have a stroke. My mom and aunt are no help, they don't want to deal with her since she's so unpleasant.
Unfortunately, I can't put her in assisted care, because the terms of my grandfather's will are that she is to live the rest of her life on the property.
Any advice on how to deal with her?
Who has Power of attorney for finance and health?
Can you build yourself a separate living unit or buy a trailer so you don't need to interact with her?
If she has not been deemed incompetent, she can do as she pleases. That does NOT mean that you need to cook for her and cater to her moodiness and mental illness. (It sounds as though she has been abusive and mentally "off" for longer than her widowhood, yes?)
I would leave her to her own devices and let her children figure this out. And the next time she gets out of control, destroys property or the like, call 911 and have her transported to the ER.
Legally, she is perfectly sane and capable of making decisions, so no one bothered to get power of attorney to make decisions for her as far as I know. She has her own money, but I provide the food (I don't mind it, it's not that much since I grow a lot on the farm) and I pay for the rest of the expenses since it's my property.
She has indeed been abusive for most of her life, which is why her children avoid her. They told me something like "you wanted the farm, you have to deal with her, we don't want the headache". My gradpa left me the farm because I asked him for it, everyone else wanted to sell it because it holds bad memories.
I am friendly with the local sheriff and when I told him about the problems she was causing, he said that she's been a b**** all her life and everyone knows it. Unless she does something really bad, he won't do anything since she's very old and he worries that he might cause her health problems.
She did end up in the ER last fall, when her blood pressure spiked after the conversation about hiring someone to care for her. I talked to one of the doctors there and they gave me some Xanax for her and sent her home, so that wasn't much help.
Honestly, I was just looking for some advice on how to convince her to get a social life, that might keep her busy enough to leave me be for a while :)
If she inflicted verbal and physical abuse on your mom and aunt expect the same from her now. You need to protect yourself.
If you are going to remain on the farm I would suggest that you find another way to house yourself. If there is an outbuilding that can be made habitable great. If not if village/city/county ordinances allow bring in a trailer.
If she needs Memory Care at some point she can be placed in a facility that would take precedence over your grandfathers Will.
Just curious do you have legal right to be on the property? If she calls the sheriff and says you are trespassing can they legally tell you to leave the property? If she gets downright ornery is this something she might do? I would not put a lot of YOUR money into fixing things up if you might get kicked off the property. Just because you are a grandson does not legally give you the right to take up residence. (I am playing Devil's Advocate here)
Are you certain this is something that can be upheld legally -- and literally? Is this part of a life estate/trust arrangement? Your grandfather was probably reacting out of fear of his only knowledge of old time nursing homes and what they meant. Also, what if she needs specialized medical treatment? I don't think this can be taken literally. If there's no money to hire care for her at the farm, I'm not sure this dictate can't be honored. I'm hoping you don't think you're the care to keep her on the farm?
Good insight about her has been given by other responders. She is in decline, so any expectation that she will change, improve or even stay the same is naive. I'm so sorry, this is how aging goes in most cases and if your grandma hasn't been tending to her health and now possibly has the beginnings of dementia, it will get much much worse. She is the only one who can create a PoA for herself while she is of sound mind. Once the sound mind is gone the only other option is guardianship. This can be pursued by family (or anyone, really) but in order to legally make decisions for her some one or entity will need to have guardianship. Often it defaults to the county if no one else pursues it. Then the county makes all her decisions in her best interests going forward, medical, financial, etc. Sorry for this blunt response but there is just no way to sugar coat your situation. You are young and have options and can be flexible. Just make sure you continue on with your eyes wide open and expectations adjusted. I truly wish you all the best in farming and in trying to figure out what to do about your grandmother.