My mom is getting elderly and should be enjoying her time and not be exhausted. I was caregiver for my grandma but had to stop because of the cruelty my grandma and family gave me while I was doing it. Very long story and traumatizing. I feel so bad that my mom had to step in but I couldn’t do it anymore. It was driving me to the edge and the events still hurts me and I am trying to heal.
Back to the issue, my grandma is not making it easy for my mom and neither is my sister (another long story I won’t get into here). My mom had two caregivers and my grandma and sister fired them. My mom just turned sixty and should be able to enjoy her life and quality time with her mom. My grandma didn’t have to do it but she expects my mom to do and keep her from living her life. My grandma was moving around great but she wanted to do things and stop her physical therapy and now she needs a wheelchair.
I had to argue with my grandma to do physical therapy and she would try to lie and said I refused to help her when she was talking on the phone thinking I was in the other room and couldn’t hear her so I told her while she was on the phone “it seems like you want to do physical therapy now or are you going to argue with me again?”
I can tell it is taking a toll on my mom and I am afraid my mom might die before my grandma if she tortured her more. My mom’s main goal is to keep her out of nursing home at any cost. My grandma refused to pay for caregiver so she can have her life and my sister manipulates my grandma to fire them when my mom isn’t there. It infuriates me because my grandma can make it easy for her and my grandma got to enjoy her life and travel but she is taking my mom’s life.
Is there any care I can find to relieve my mom or assistance program? Overnight stay would be amazing so my mom can just visit. My grandma just got Medicare but not Medicaid.
But realistically, grandma probably needs to placed in the appropriate facility. If she's not wanting any hired help, or is refusing to pay for any, then really there will be no other choice. Best wishes.
By the way 60 is not elderly. But I see your point but Mom has to make the decision that she isn't going to be grandmoms door mat. If grandma can do things for herself but Mom is doing them, Mom is just disabling grandma. You can only be abused and disrespected if you allow it, Because its Moms mother doesn't mean Grandmom has the right.
It is up to your Mom. You honestly have no power in this. And yes, you are correct that this poses a danger to your Mom, but it is by her own choice. You've no control over your sister, either. You really have only your own advice, and I am certain you already gave that. It doesn't help to keep repeating it as that drives them more firmly into their own corner in this issue.
However, the same way you cannot get grandma to 'obey you' you can't take mom's agency away.
No harm in talking to her, letting her know you worry about the stress levels and also the fact that in many situations, the CG dies before the person for whom they are caring.
Your mom NEEDS to step away, almost completely and find a different way to care for Grandma. My best guess is that she is staying through guilt. I went through this with my mother, who, like your grandma would talk about me and my CG efforts behind my back to all my siblings. I quit and haven't really looked back.
I will add that I TRIED to get in home aides for her, vetted a few, set up a meet and greet and did all the up-front stuff. Last second, mom pulls out and decides she DOESN'T want help. OK, I told her to let me know when she DID and I'd do it all over again.
If it helps, and it probably doesn't--there are hundreds or even thousands of people going through this same dynamic.
Maybe introduce mom to this site. She may find enlightenment through the terrific advice that is on here.
You are a good daughter, to care so much.