I'm 45 and have been taking care of my 99 year old grandmother for close to a decade now. I quit my job, dropped my college classes, left my significant other and my friends, took my son and moved 5 states away to do a "favor for my dad". It was supposed to be for 3 months when she fell and broke her hip, but here we are 9 years later. My grandfather passed away Jan 2020. I used to take care of both of them. To say I am BURNT OUT is an understatement.
Grandma still lives in her home alone and has a Life Alert. Her only child (my dad) is her medical & financial POA. I alternate days to check on her with my dad's wife, a neighbor, and Commission on Aging baths her 2x a week. My stepmom and I buy her groceries, clean house, do laundry, dishes, give medicine, cook, take her to doctor, change her paper underwear, everything. She used to be able to go grocery shopping with us, but she has declined significantly since she is recovering from COVID pneumonia. She does have stage 3/4 dementia too. My dad is not involved hands on other than having legal control over everything and in my opinion does not have my grandmothers best interest in mind. I became a stay at home mom and was compensated for taking care of my grandma...until recently. My stepmom and dad were also paying themselves out of grandmas finances to help take care of her. My dad (Grandma's POA) decided to stop paying me and stepmom but still expects us to take care of her. I was told I could go back to work now and they would handle all the caregiving duties, etc. Upon her release from the hospital from COVID, she was ordered to have home health care come to the house and help but my stepmom said she didn't need it, that we could just take care of her. She was alone one morning and went up to get the phone and I guess got dizzy and fell. The bath lady didn't put her Life Alert back on her so grandma laid on the floor for 3 hours until stepmom came over and found her. She has declined significantly within the past 3 months. I'm told I don't need to help anymore, yet I'm being called to every other day. Dad and stepmom had caught COVID too so I was the one at the hospital with grandma. I sometimes stay the night with her. I visit her still and make sure she is ok regardless if I am told I will be paid or not. My problem is, something just doesn't seem right. I've wracked my brain about what I should do?!? Grandma gave me her car a few years ago but I got hit by someone who ran a red light and it totalled the car. Grandma had the neighbor cancel the insurance on the car before the policy was up and I was to transfer it so I had no insurance and didn't even know it. She gave me some money to buy another car but that one ended up being a lemon and the timing chain broke and it was going to cost too much to fix. My fiance and I share his truck now. I'm trying to find a job, get back into the real world, get my life back so to speak, but, grandma isn't being taken care of. My stepmom went behind my dad's back and paid me a little for helping but it barely covers my rent. My hands are tied. I have no legal authority over grandma. I help out when I can and have use of our truck. Grandma says she would like to get another car but I say no bc she's done so much for me and my dad won't allow it anyhow. I worry about her 24/7. I don't think she is being neglected, but, I don't think she is getting the care she needs. I think she needs someone there 24/7. My dad and stepmom don't. Apparently. Grandmas hearing is horrible too. If her house was on fire, she'd prob not make it out alive. (That is how I asses whether she should be home alone or not.) I don't know what to do. And, to top it all off...I have a 3 and a half year old little boy who is my world. My fiance and I wanted a child together so we went for it. I have my hands full but somehow my life still seems empty. I didn't know what I was getting into and I should have had a family care agreement written up but it's too late now.
Since you have zero legal standing, you can literally walk away. ANd maybe you need to do just that. You're being used, and that's awful.
I'd write a letter to dad, give him a deadline that you WILL follow and call APS in your area, giving all salient details. Dad is probably going to fight you on this. ALso sending one to her dr may or may not help, INHE, drs are so bogged down with minituae and paperwork they tend to let things slide. Expect more of dad, as she is his to deal with.
If you let APS know that she has no other daily care, they will (hopefully) sit up and take notice quickly. She is your dad's problem to deal with.
Sadly, by not working a FT job you haven't been paying for your own futur, which, trust me, comes at a breakneck speed! I hope you can continue your studies and get a good job and have a LIFE.
Bottom line is that you have done more than your fair share, now just become your grandmother's, granddaughter not her caretaker.
Your hands are not tied, you have options, get a full time job, continue to visit your grandmother and leave it at that.
Good Luck, the ball is in `your court!
Moving her and her SO and child into this just subjects them to the same situation. And my guess is "dad" would have MorningGlory99's fiancé working for free as well.
I suspect that your dad is mishandling grandma's assets and that is Financial Elder Abuse.
For your dad to have you leave your job, friends, your SO to do this and he does nothing is selfish and misogynistic.
I would inform him that as of January 1 2023 you quit.
This gives him a few days to make arrangements.
Inform Commission on Aging that as of Jan 1, 2023 you will no longer be caring for grandma and if there are any questions they can talk to "Mr. MorningGlory99" (your dad)
I couldn't find in the Great Wall of Text if you are living with grandma or not, but if you are that needs to change.
Move out, without telling anyone, and then text Dad you're gone (AFTER you've moved out). It is not your responsibility, either legally or morally, to care for your grandmother.
Do not fall into this same pattern when your parents get old. They aren't your responsibility either.
Your priorities are your son and fiancé. I’d also suggest going back to school so you can support yourself. Never rely on a man to support you, you need to be able to take care of yourself. That is a fact.
"I was told I could go back to work now and they would handle all the caregiving duties, etc." Then go back to work. Continue to visit Grandma but do not be at Dad's or his wifes beck and call. You have children that need you and a SO. You father holds the purse strings. If Grandma becomes too much care, he needs to place her which maybe the best thing for her. If he has been taking her money without it being stipulated that he can in the POA, he will have a hard time getting her Medicaid if ever needed. If taxes were not taken out of your pay, then he has a bigger problem. He may end up just having to take care of grandma or paying for her care. You do not want to be involved in that.
You have really given up ur best years for earning SS benefits. The look back for SS is 35 yrs. So, if you retire at 67, they will be looking at your earnings from 32 on. If you get a job at 45 your SS will only be based on 22 yrs of earnings. Your future is at stake here. If you never marry, you will not be entitled to any of your SOs SS.