He let a stranger in the house tonight. Luckily it was a neighbor, but he didn’t know that. He called her by my name & didn’t seem to know who I was for a few minutes. He also leaves doors unlocked & sometimes wide open at night. We live on a very busy road & I am concerned about our safety. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to put him in a facility, but I have had heart & pulmonary embolism surgeries in the last 6 months. I have coped with the many things that come with his conditions but now I don’t feel safe in my own home. I am @ wit’s end.
You need to take this burden off your back, he is beyond the stage of you being able to care for him, what if you die? Then what, someone has to scramble around to find a place for him to be cared for?
You deserve a quality of life as well.
Sending support your way.
We didn't know he was beating her black and blue every day to get the key she wore around her neck to keep him from getting out to "go for a stroll" along the highway.
When this was discovered, he went to Memory Care. He was happy as a clam. Was able to go outside on the locked grounds whenever he pleased to 'stroll'.
Aunt dropped dead of a massive heart attack shortly after his placement. Most likely from the stress of caring for him.
Uncle happily for several more years in Memory Care.
Just one metric to consider.
Hopefully, by doing this you will find that you have options that you hadn’t considered.
My LO was content and functioned well during a week long emergency visit to my home, but I knew that her needs would require 110% commitment to her care, and because I also cared for a special needs child, I was not in a position to offer to assume for her care in addition to his.
If his safety and your welfare depend on the kind of care you’ve describe, and the kind of risk behavior he’s demonstrated previously, you need to broaden the possibilities available to him outside your home.
Please make your decisions based on the best choices for both him and you. You may have to put his safety before his happiness, but that’s ok.
I also dealt with wandering. I deadbolted doors and wore keys around my neck for YEARS, I replaced the touch pad to open the garage door (the up and down touch pad) and replaced it with a pad where you key in a code. I wore my car keys on my belt loop. I cable tied my furniture together so he could not drag something over to the gate and climb over it. All of this and he still managed to "escape" a few times. Once being found 13 hours later in the next state.
Luckily I was able to keep him at home because each of his declines put a stop to the current method of escape. (I don't know if you want to call the declines lucky though...)
Anyway you can see that try as you might not all methods will thwart someone that puts their mind to something.
Honestly I think it is time you begin looking for a Memory Care facility for your husband. And I do not say that easily.
But it is no longer safe for HIM to be at home. With the escapes and the busy road you describe.
I think it is no longer safe for YOU. If he is letting people into the house not "knowing" who they are that can put both of you in danger.
You said it yourself..."I no longer feel safe in my own home"
Placing someone in a facility where they will be safe and cared for is not you giving up, not a failure. It is coming to the realization that their care is beyond what you can safely do at home.
If your husband is a Veteran and he is not yet in the VA system contact the local Veterans Assistance Commission and they can get him started and if he has what is called a "service connected disability" a % will be calculated and that may be enough to help a bit.
It is not cruel, careless, unloving, or dismissive to place him where he can be safe 24/7. It may be worst for you (because it’s definitely saddening and so, so hard!), but the best for him.
Keeping him at home is not helping; it’s hurting both of you.
We'd make arrangements with her family to come pick her up. (again.)
Of course, the neighboring Law Enforcement agency was notified, APS was involved, Social Workers, her family etc. But, the woman kept going on her walks from time to time...
I was working one night and she showed up by herself at our back door. She was staggering. Something was wrong.
We sent an Officer to the door immediately to bring her in. She had been severely beaten. Very severely. Someone had attacked her while she was out walking. There were a lot of strong-arm robberies in the area back then. A mentally disabled lady wandering thru L.A. at 3 am? Nothing good will happen, that's for sure.
We called for Paramedics and they took her to the Hospital. She was never able to say what happened and we never found out what happened. We never saw her again. She went from the Hospital into a facility where she could finally be safe at night.
(Of course APS was involved again that night, as they were each time.) When I asked the Officer who took the report about it - he was very upset and said she couldn't describe who did this to her, or even exactly what street it happened on - and they were never able to solve the case.
This could have been avoided if her family had placed her when she began wandering during the night.
My point is - this is a MAJOR safety issue! Wandering at night can mean falls, attacks, drowning, being hit by a car. And the list goes on and on.
Where I live now, there's lots of retired people. Every few months one with dementia goes wandering late at night. We hear the helicopters looking for them. Usually they are found. But, not always!! Sometimes lost in the woods until they die. Sometimes never to be found again. Where did they go??? What happened to them??? nobody knows.
Someone that wanders at night needs safety, and that means a facility.
thank you again & I’ll be praying for all of us in this same “boat” together!