The home is on lockdown because of Covid-19 and so we have not seen each other for 5 weeks now. They tell me that as a couple they are definitely a couple and always together. I am intellectually trying to understand, but I am heartbroken and angry and feel betrayed and my kids are devastated! Help
I know how hard this must be for you. Saw my mom develop a very close relationship with another man which shocked me. His wife was aware, and sad about it, but was relieved that he still had love and caring in his heart. I never told stepdad as I knew it would upset him.
I would be upset with the supervisor that called, though. Your right to know, yes. But, so hurtful at a time like this.
Try to understand the dementia and what he doesn't understand or remember any longer. Then talk with your children that dad just cannot help it, it is part of the disease. Then they will be more able to support you with this new behavior, solely attributable to his disease. Try to be understanding of the disease, it sure wreaks havoc on the brain. And be happy that he has a special friend.
My daughter had a couple at her NH that thought they were married and would fight if you tried to separate them. I think they may have shared a room. Both had spouses that visited.
My GFs mother was very aware that this could happen. We walked in on Mr. S kissing a lady. Mrs. S understood but she left crying.
My one question would be, why aren't the residents being kept in their rooms? I know, its near impossible with Dementia patients. I really do think this news could have waited though.
When I was working in a Memory Care home, we had a man who'd come see his wife every single day. She could not stand him..........she berated him, she said filthy, nasty, foul things to him the entire time he visited. Nobody could understand WHY he'd put himself through the torture chamber known as the daily visits to her. He did so because he knew in his heart that it was the disease throwing those ugly words at him, and not the woman he loved and who he'd married many years previously. The disease stripped her away from him, and it wasn't her fault. So he continued the visits day after day after day. This woman was also well known for taking off her blouse & bra & showing herself off to the men in the home. Plus, she was known for showing up in their rooms at night........her husband knew about her 'appetite' as well, and he just chalked it off to dementia too.
Explain to your children that Dad needs comfort; that he's getting comfort from a new friend at his Memory Care, but that it has nothing to do with THEM or with YOU, or with the love he feels for all of you. It's hard to wrap your minds around such facts, but if you want to allow yourselves (and him) to move forward with a good quality of life, it's necessary. If your children see & hear YOU accepting the situation, they may come around a bit more easily themselves.
I'm really sorry for everything you're all going through. Dementia and Alzheimers is such a dreadful disease, I know, my mother has dementia and lives in Memory Care herself. Sometimes I don't even know WHO she is, she's so foul and ugly. In fact, all she does is badmouth my father who she was married to for 68 years and who died 5 years ago June. While I don't like all the nonsense that comes out of her mouth, I chalk it off to her disease. Easy to say, harder to do, right?
Wishing you the best of luck coming to terms with all of this. It's a lot to process.
I don’t have experience in this area. I would be devastated too. Best wishes to you and your family.
I am so sorry your husband has had Alz for over ten years and had evidently gotten to the point to where you needed to place him.
Your retirement years seem to have been about his illness.
Here are articles you might relate to. Give it some time and enjoy your children and grands and know that your husband is happy where he is.
The person who called you needs educating. It seems hard to believe she could be in her position and not be more empathetic.
https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2007/nov/30/mentalhealth.g2
https://www.cbsnews.com/news/justice-oconnors-husband-finds-new-love/
https://www.google.com/amp/s/abcnews.go.com/amp/TheLaw/Politics/story%3fid=3858553&page=1
The supervisor's behavior is reprehensible. I would document and report the supervisor's insensitivity to her agency and request that she not be your husband's care supervisor.
In my situation, mom and her friend were both widowed and everyone was ok with affectionate day time behavior like holding hands and an occasional kiss. Anything beyond that never had to be addressed. That was memory care. Now she is in skilled nursing and has another special friend who rolls up to her in his wheel chair, tells her he likes her, and depending on her mood, she will sometimes flirt back.
For spouses, I am sure this is heart breaking to observe or be told. It is, however, very common, so much so, that it appears that most facilities have a policy to inform.
I always chaperoned any questionable relatives or friends. Perhaps ask that the two be moved away from one another (if the facility is large enough).
If he still knew you before the lock down, then I can relate to him literally betraying you. If he did not know who you were before the lock down, then it may well be that he didn't realize what he was doing.
May God bless you in your sorrow.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
I will add that there is no reason for you to take on any responsibility for any of this. This is how the disease progresses for so mamy. You had reached a point that you could no longer provide the care he needs. That is OK. And this friend would still be a friend even if you had been able to visit him these past weeks.
None of this is your fault, nothing to feel guilty about.
Aside and your obvious concern for the situation and for your husband, this mental change that he is going through, just like my mother's dementia and her inability to reason thoughts anymore, constantly reminds me of the vast unknown of the human landscape and especially the brain.
Thank you for sharing this story -- it must be frustrating...and unbelievable. It would be nice to hear what happens when you can begin visiting again...
Take care.
Dementia, he is not the person you married. He may not even realize he is married. Or even had a "life" previously. His reality is the here and now and that reality changes constantly. She can easily form another attachment next week as could he. Or this could go on.
EVERYONE wants to be close to someone else. A hand to hold, someone that is a constant when things around you are confusing.
It is common in Memory Care for this to happen and the supervisor I think was letting you know so that it would not be a shock when you visited again.
The first time you plan on going to see your husband contact the Memory Care and ask that they keep "girl #2" occupied so you can have some time together. It will not change things but you will not have to deal with her at the moment. Later you can do that.
You have done noting "wrong" nor has he.
A "wrong" would be to do something intentionally that was to meant to hurt you or the kids.
Ask yourself this...if he did not have dementia, a broken brain would he ever have gone out and looked for a girlfriend? (some men your husbands age would still be out looking and finding..) If he would have then you can feel betrayed but if he never would have done so you don't have to feel like he has betrayed you.
It is possible that this "girl #2" has traits that you have and she reminds him of you and that makes him feel safe and somehow familiar.