My mother-in-law lives in another state, and we have been the only family members to give her any personal or financial support lately. She has burned her bridges with most of her children, and out of 6 children, only 3 have any contact with her at all. This include her second son, who is in the ICU and is not expected to survive much longer.
In the past two years, I helped her move into assisted living and did all the paperwork to prepare her for Medicaid and find Medicaid Waiver subsidized assisted living. We have her on waiting lists for 3 very nice places, but she has refused placement 4 times in the past year, even though she hates the place she lives in. We have paid bills, endured calls from all her debt collectors (she is heavily in debt), and helped her in many ways, just to be called liars and sneaks.
She is losing her memory, is paranoid, has alienated the staff where she lives and her hired helper, and blames me for all her problems. She cut me out of her life six months ago, and would only talk to my husband, until yesterday.
Then she calls me, upset that she wasn't notified first about her son, who is in the hospital with Stage 4 Lung Cancer. Her daughter called her on the phone the same day we all learned about it on Facebook. She even called her son's wife to complain. I get an earful. Then she tells me that she is taking control of her finances and has canceled her supplemental life insurance (which she claims I signed her up for without her permission) and BTW, she has been served an eviction notice. "But don't tell your husband, I can handle it." Of course I told him, then called the bank and found out that she also canceled her joint bank account with us.
Unfortunately that is also the bank account her Social Security and VA Benefits are deposited, and she has autopay on that account for her rent, her phone and her incontinence supplies. We have been through this before and it takes months to change direct deposit for Social Security and VA. Plus she is incapable of filling out the forms or going through the voicemail without assistance.
So even if she pays her rent by check this month, she will not have any money in January, and maybe February. We do not have the money to cover her in the meantime. I am still checking on the status of her drugs, but she owes the pharmacy hundreds of dollars anyway and is very close to being cut off.
I have checked into guardianship before, but was told that she isn't bad enough to qualify. I think she is now, but we don't have much time before disaster strikes. We have to find a doctor to certify her as incompetent, and without her cooperation, I'm not sure how to do that. I have sent questions to her Medicaid lawyer about alternatives and a referral to go to court, and we are contemplating letting the county social services take over. We were hoping to avoid that.
This all happened Thursday to today, Saturday. As of tonight, I've been told her son may not survive the weekend. We are still in shock, we didn't know he was sick until 5 days ago.
I haven't told the rest of the family yet about their mom, but I did tell two of them that I'm worried about her and she has been behaving erratically. I am trying to do what I can by phone (I have a POA on file most places) and my husband is packing to leave as soon as his supervisor says he can go to be with his brother, or if he is too late, with his niece and sister-in-law.
I guess if I tell them in a week or so, it isn't going to make a difference in that regard, but what lousy timing. I don't want to add to their burden.
So you & hubs are paying most of her private pay AL as his mom has refused to go into the ones she can live in and be paid from her Medicaid waiver? Do you realize most states Medicaid programs do not, DO NOT, even have waivers for AL. That hers does & she’s eligible is a big BIG deal. So why are you paying for her whatevers??? Are you all super flush with $$$ that all moms costs are not a dent in your life and future retirement? And your totally good with spending your time & energy being POA with someone who is hostile to you? If not, really not another penny paid or time spent by you all ever again.
your paying her rent next months rent, or bailing out her medication bill, or once again helping her reset her banking or whatever is just putting a band aid on a much bigger problem. She imo needs someone who has full legal authority to totally do on her behalf & totally remove her from decision making. That means either family files for guardianship & has the personality to enforce decisions; or APS gets involved to have her become a ward of the state, so state takes over her care & decisions and since she’s eligible have costs paid by Medicaid.
If she’s gotten eviction notice, and she’s in AL, they probably won’t kick her to the curb, as that bad optics, but rather facility will find Plausible reasons to call EMS to take her to the ER. Then the old facility will not accept her return as they “cannot meet her level of care” and the discharge planner at the hospital will have to find placement for her and if family - you - won’t come and take her into your home then APS will get involved to facilitate her being named a ward of the state with a court appointed guardian. Discharge planner will call you & other family but you can be firm and refuse to swoop in & take her home to your state to live with you OR you & hubs commit to private pay for another facility for her and sign a binding financial responsibility contract with new NH.
now you & hubs could get an attorney in her city and file to become her guardian, but that will have costs (I’d guess 7-10k) and if she’s the type to be able to show-dog competency or if other family members want to be her guardian, you may not be named. If you can’t be firm as a guardian, it’s a waste. Also if your an out of state resident, the court may prefer to appoint an in state & in the county already vetted guardian from an existing list. Having APS do whats needed may be best way to get her out of AL & into a NH & onto Medicaid.
There are times in life when we have the will, time and energy to take on a project for love and see it through. But for one thing, at the moment the family as a whole, including you, has more urgent priorities than MIL's self-created situation; and for another you have been here before and you know she will sabotage you throughout the rescue process. Yes, you probably would get guardianship, eventually, expensively; and your reward would be fulfilling that role in the teeth of MIL's opposition for the foreseeable future. Is that really a job you want?
I do sympathise with MIL. The inside of her head must be a horrible place to live, and I'm sorry for it. But that doesn't mean you can or should try to solve her problems: the reality is that the fundamental problem (whatever psychiatric illness or personality disorder is at the root of it) is probably not solvable by anyone.
I should sit on your hands as far as MIL's concerned, let events develop as they must, and then in due course do what you can for her once her situation is stabilised.
As the son in ICU is one of the children who has maintained contact with MIL, what's the plan to handle her right now if she starts demanding to be centre stage when he's dying? Are you in touch with the management team at her ALF? Are they aware?
You can truthfully tell the family (as you already have) that MIL's situation is volatile at the moment but that it will be kept under control. Will they even want details, really?
Don't let her move in with you. Protect your assets. Hopefully some of the other siblings will step up and help you and your husband.
Big hugs and take care of yourself. Try not to stress too much.
I’m so very sorry for your troubles. Let us know how you are doing. I wish I had a good answer for you.
Have you spoken to a social worker or psychiatrist who could point you in the right direction regarding your mom’s unstable mindset?
Hang in there!
My question, why do you have POA and not husband? I also wouldn't reconsider guardianship. Its costly and time consuming. And once ur assigned there is no getting out of it.
I agree, call APS in her state. Explain what she has done and that because of BIL there is nothing u can do at this time.
Please, don't consider being guardian to this woman. Don't take her into ur home. I have a feeling her actions are not new just now more so because Dementia is setting in. Once she is found incompetent, your POA will kick in. I would have her placed in LTC. Then all her needs are met and you owe her nothing financially. She will be on Medicaid so will have Dental, Vision and prescriptions. Make the LTC her payee for SS and pension. This is now what she needs not what she wants. She will have a Personal Needs acct where a small amt of her SS will be placed. This can pay for having her hair done and other personal things. You can visit when u can knowing she is safe and cared for.
I would ask the bank why they allowed her to shut down an acct with ur name on it too. I thought the bank needed both people on the acct to ok this.
We just saw my Brother and SIL. The stress of dealing with her mother and working f/t is really getting to her. We both noticed SIL is losing her hair. I am hoping that she gets her Mom into an AL. It won't solve everything but SIL will have more help with the staff.
Once she gets Mom settled in, I am going to ask her to spend some time with me. She needs to get away. A change of scenery.
I believe she is a narcissist--smart, charming and funny when she wants to be. And totally breaks your heart and hateful when she doesn't get her way. Her view of reality has always been a little distorted and she has time to make up all kinds of scenarios in her head, and once an idea gets in there, she will not change her mind. She trusts gut instincts, but they are leading her awry. She also is chemically dependent on her psych and pain meds and all hell breaks lose when that gets messed up. Then her behavior is really off the rails. Her family tells me she has been like this her whole life, but it is just worse now.
I have a list of people to call. I did not know that guardianship would be so expensive, and if that is the case, I really do not want to pursue it. We have already depleted our savings to help her. She actually pays most of her expenses, but we paid moving fees and lawyer fees and misc. things because she was short or bouncing checks or had an emergency or whatever. I told my husband a long time ago to cut her off, but he is a soft touch.
Our house suffered a lot of damage (frozen pipes and ice dams) last year, and we still have a lot to fix, and we currently don't have hot water or a functioning bathroom, so no, I don't want to spend any more on her. I will call the county as soon as I have my facts together.
We cannot take her in. Our house is not handicapped accessible or even livable at the moment, and past times she did this with other family members, it was a total disaster. We agree that we can't go there. Besides my husband lives 1,000 miles away from me, and 350 miles away from her, and there is no way I'm doing this alone. He is due to retire next year. I have warned her repeatedly that he was near retirement and we can't help her forever.
She is at the top of the waiting lists so if we are lucky, we can maybe move her there. Two of them are with PACE, which is sort of an HMO with Medicaid in partnership with a regional hospital. I have tried to explain that she is really lucky to qualify, and that she will get $5,000 worth of services for $800 a month. These are private places that most residents pay full price for with excellent reputations. How could she refuse that? But she allows emotions to rule her decisions and would rather spite me than do something in her best interest.
If she goes into a nursing home, she will have to surrender all her income and get only a small stipend for necessities, and share a room. I don't think she is quite to that point yet, she still seems rational and can take care of herself most days, and if she did, she would cause all kinds of problems fussing and complaining (I would feel sorry for her roommate) and come close to starving because she refuses to eat institutional food and lives on Swann's.
I'm ready to let the county take over, but my husband isn't quite there yet. I've done ALL the work though. I am very sad to do this over the holidays and so soon after her son's tragic death (it all happened so quickly--we didn't even know he was sick) but she has forced our hand.
So sorry. You have my condolences. When it rains, it pours. You certainly have a lot on your plate. I am glad you realize your limitations. Make sure hubby stays on board.
Best wishes to you and your family. Hugs!