I am 43m and my mom was 74. After my dad passed away 15 years ago I made a 2nd home out of their basement and moved in to help take care of everything. I had only had my own place for 2 yrs before I came back. Since then, my mom and I have been inseparable. I am engaged now, have been for 7yrs, and my mom and fiancé loved each other as well. My mom was cursed with just overall bad health. For last several years battling degenerative disc disease, arthritis, tiredness, IBS, etc. Nothing life threating, but all add up to make someone miserable. I have been doing all the house cleaning, shopping, everything, and I didn't mind it at all because my mom was the most precious woman with the biggest heart ever. Last Friday she complained about her side hurting really bad when I went up to see her at 9:30am. This is the same side she fell and hit a few months back and bruised a rib. I took her to the ER at that time (a few months ago) and after a horrible night they sent her home with no help, but even in more pain from laying on a horrible mattress. I asked her if she wanted to go to ER and she begged me not to take her just let her rest. I checked on her at 11am and 1pm and both times she was lying in bed trying to get comfortable. I told her I would be back at 3pm and if she was still hurting we HAD to go to hospital. I was so tired I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up at 3:30pm. Figuring I would go upstairs and be heading to ER. When I came up my precious momma was laying back on the bed with her legs off the side like she had been sitting up. She had blood all over her nightgown, leg, and mouth, and had passed. This has destroyed me! All I keep thinking is if I had forced her to go to the ER, or if I had not dozed off, I could have helped her and she would still be here. Even though she was miserable, battling depression, in pain all the time, and ready to go “home" to be with our Lord and family, I know she didn't want to leave me and I feel I completely failed her and just let her die. I have no idea how to shake this feeling. We talked every morning before I went to work, sometimes around lunch, and I went upstairs to see her every afternoon when I got home, and then talked 1 or 2 times after that at night. My mom was my routine and although a squeezed a couple things for myself in here and there she was my life. I can’t even stand being in my home because of not hearing her footsteps upstairs anymore. The silence is deafening. I walk upstairs and my brain can't even process her not being there. Of course sometimes I had thoughts of what it would be like when she was gone and I would no longer have the responsibility, and now I feel guilty for having those thoughts and would give everything to have her back. I did everything for her and feel like I completely failed her in the end. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
I also cared for my mother. What you experienced was my worst fear. I was terrified to find my mother dead. I can’t imagine the shock that you felt after discovering your mom.
Please know that you did everything that you possibly could have done for your mom. Also know that she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that you loved her with all of your heart.
Everything that you are feeling is quite normal after going through this kind of thing. You are grieving and questioning everything. In time I hope that you will be able to see that you didn’t fail your mother.
Of course, you will miss her. You will always have your cherished memories of her. She wouldn’t want you to blame yourself for her death. She is going to live in your heart forever.
Sending you a million hugs. Wishing you peace during this difficult time in your life.
Thinking of you.
Your mom was ready to go. I doubt that extra half hour of sleep would have made one bit of difference to the outcome. Please don't beat yourself up.
Mom still exists. Pray for courage, pray to have peace. Mom is out of pain and in a place where she doesn't have to BE in pain.
My mom died while no one was home with her. It was a shock, but she went the way she wanted to go. I couldn't have wished for a calmer passing.
I know that seeing blood & what seemed like a painful death--probably wasn't. More scary, right?
My heart hurts for you. Having lost both my parents I can be grateful they are together with THEIR folks--and I know they are still alive..spiritually.
Blessings to you as you come to terms with this. You absolutely did not fail her, don't even think that!
If it has been several days and your sleep is also affected then seek a grief counsellor soon. Do not wait for long scheduled appointments. You can call your doctor, contact clergy if appropriate. Hospices may even recommend someone.
Twice when I was working, we witnessed the tragedy of a work related death of a co worker and another time, a co worker died on his way to work. In both instances, social workers were sent within hours to help us process and they explained the triggers that could eventually become mentally unhealthy.
I guess the good thing, other than she in no longer in pain and discomfort she died at home, in her home, in her bed (and you made that possible by the care that you provided) not in the hospital with tubes attached and strangers around her.
I am sorry for your loss.
For you to have cared so deeply she must have been a kind and wise mom. For that you are lucky as not all have that privilege.
Now it is time to take care of yourself and your fiancé and get on with your lives I am sure she would have wanted that for you both.
This sounds like an event that very likely would have had the same outcome no matter where she was . A trip to the ER was not a guarantee she would have survived . Or if she had even survived, her quality of life would have been extremely poor. She had already expressed she wanted to go “ home “ . Mom most likely would have preferred a quick exit the way she had it , rather than a prolonged death for you to have to witness .
You were very enmeshed with your mother . I believe grief counseling as well as other professional therapy would be of help .
You did nothing wrong. Even if she had gone to the hospital, there's no guarantee that they would have been able to stop or prevent her death.
Death comes for us all, It was your mother's time.
It's still so recent and you haven't gotten over the shock of it yet. Give yourself a break here and a rest. Your fiance can help you. Your family and friends can too. What you need now is people around you. That always helps.
The harsh reality is that death most often isn't the pretty scene portrayed in movies, but I hope you can take some comfort in the fact she had to have known you were there for her and that the end was obviously sudden, not a long drawn out affair. 🤗
What you're feeling now is grief, as you've done nothing wrong to be guilty for. In fact you went above and beyond for your mom, perhaps even when she really didn't need your help, since she was so young when you first moved in and actually quite young when she died as well.
It sounds like perhaps you and your mom had a bit of co-dependency going on with each other which will in the long run make your grieving process more difficult, so I would recommend getting help from some type of grief counselor in your area.
And know that your mom is at peace now with her Lord and Savior and that she would want you to move forward in a healthy way not only in your grieving process but with your fiancé as well.
It sounds like he may have been put on the back burner this whole time since you said that your mom was your life, when in reality he should have been your life. Hopefully now you can put your relationship with him first and move forward in planning your wedding.
May God grant you His peace, comfort and strength in the days, weeks and months ahead.
This would have made her only 59 years old at that time.
She did have some issues, but at 81 I have been dealing with IBS for most of my life; the bad back I have comes of a nursing career of heavy lifting. Neither has stopped me living a full life and taking care of myself. I would not need a daughter moving in now even at 81 years of age.
So it seems that your moving in with mom was a choice. Which is FINE.
As that was your choice--both of your choices--you then lived very close to one another and very entwined/enmeshed; you were very involved in her care and her medical issues which I think made you feel overly responsible for them, as they are nothing you caused, nor could cure. They were nothing for you to feel guilty about.
The best MDs in the world would not have recommended a trip to ER for what your mother complained of.
With a bad back she was spending her nights on a bad mattress, a combo that COULD HAVE BEEN EXPECTED to cause some issues. She told you of the problem. You were watching her. And then, unexpectedly, she died.
I do not know if autopsy was done, nor what it showed, but the presence of a lot of blood indicates hemorrhage from somewhere, and it would likely have occurred for her in care or out of it, and she may or may not have survived it even in an emergency room. It sounds like a catastrophic event.
Your mother has been ill and in pain for a long time, and has expressed honestly to you her willingness, (and I would imagine) her wish to be at peace. She passed suddenly without the time to even call you. I consider that swift passage, somewhat a blessing, that avoided pain, struggle and fear before a final outcome of death.
You have nothing to be sorry for. You were always there for your mom and you had a loving relationship she treasured.
Grief counselors tell us that we often sink into things like anger, blame (even self-blame) in order to avoid the finality of grieving the REAL AND FINAL LOSS of someone we love. That it is almost as though our being able to blame a doctor, a nurse, a hospital, even ourselves, could change the final outcome and we could do it differently and the outcome would not be that we must face grief.
But in the end we must face grief. The only way out of it is through it.
I beg you not to negate all the loving care, all the times you were there for her, all the devotion, all the extra time you gave her by suggesting that you caused her death, because you didn't.
If you need professional help with your grieving, do consider that. But meanwhile know that much of what you are feeling is normal to feel, and this is a process you must go through. You have a good life ahead of you that your mother would want for you. You will always have her with you in your heart and as someone with a loving mom lost many years ago (I am 81) I can assure you of that. And you have many good memories and a lot of love to celebrate in the future in happy memories.
When my brother died it was a comfort to me to write to him in a diary, to decorate it, to discuss this kind of feeling with him, and happy memories. I did that for about a year. It really helped me. I recommend giving it a try. My heart goes out to you. Your mother would want your happiness.
Also, please don’t feel guilty for the times you thought about having your freedom back. My mom is still here and I think about it all the time. Caregiving is a huge commitment and I think anyone who says they never think about not having that responsibility any longer is lying.
Treasure the wonderful relationship you had with your mom, and enjoy your future with your fiancé. There will be lot of grieving, but know that you did the very best you could which was a blessing for mom. (((Hugs))).