She has a 2 story 3800 sq ft home. Lives alone. It takes her 27 minutes up or down the stairs. Fallen twice in the home. Each time the Fire department has had to rescue her. Adult protective Svs. has contacted me. My Mother refuses to sell or move. Will not listen to reason. I live 200+ miles away. She continually opens my mail. Fed. offence. Should I use it as a leverage against her? My sons and I want her to move closer to us and continue living on her own. Refuses to give a POA. Suspect early Alz. Family history. Extremely stubborn. What should I do?
Message me.
I need suggestions, PLEASE.
You call Adult Protective Services that your mom is a vulnerable adult who is not responding to family pleas to move to a safer environment.
If mom is still technically competent (it's a really low bar), she can do as she pleases and live alone until she takes a fall that either kills her or lands her in the hospital. If she is hospitalized, you call the SW at the hospital and tell her that mom lives alone and should not be released home. The hospital can gain emergency guardianship and place her.
If mom is still somewhat reasonable, I would point out to her that it's her choice if she'd like for YOU to be helping her with her old age, or a bunch of complete strangers in her state. The ball is very much in HER court.
If you think that perhaps she is overwhelmed with the idea of moving, tell her that there are services that can help her, or that you and your sons will come and help with the packing and moving.
Has that been offered?
I agree with Barb that if she is competent you have to speak very direct to her and be prepared for when she lands in the hospital to take action.
If she is not competent, you could try to gain guardianship.
About the mail, you need to change your address.
If your Mom is still sharp and wants to stay in her house, there isn't anything we can go but wait, and wait, and wait.
Once my Mom had passed, my Dad was ready to move into senior living. He was happy as a clam being there, being around people of his own generation. Dad was able to budget for a really nice place which felt more like a hotel.
Now as for the mail, any one of us here has probably accidentally opened mail that wasn't addressed to us. You need to fill out a "change of address" with the local Post Office so that your mail get forward. Even if you did that a couple years ago, the PO stops forwarding after one year. You need to register again.
I was taken aback when you wanted to use the letter opening as a Federal offense against your Mom, yet in the other breath you wanted her to move closer to you and your son. What is the back story here?
Is mom opening junk mail for you? My son hasn't lived home for 16 years and I STILL get mail for him. Nothing of importance, just junk from the various colleges he attended, so I asked him what to do with it. He said to toss everything that came to my house in his name.
If she won't move, she won't, and as long as she is an adult who is operating on a quarter tank or more, there's nothing you can do to stop her. If you want to help her in the future, you could organize her children and talk about who would be best to have POA. She needs to go with that person to the bank so she can add the POA to her accounts and she needs to file a formal POA through an attorney.
The big thing: An advanced directive, what kind of end of life care does she want? Being Mortal by Atul Gwande is a great book that if you hope to help her, you should read.