My mother is like an emotional vampire and I feel exhausted and worn out after her visits, which last several hours. How do I protect my energy?

Wishful: (responding to your comment to me yesterday) Your recognition of your own grief is really a powerful first step in accepting and taking back your life. Just as we grieve those loved ones who have died, we sometimes have to grieve those loved ones we still have in our lives but know "this is as good as it gets" yet we deserved better. There's a lot of baggage to unpack in that lonely grieving process because it contains so many sad, unfair, and unreasonable expectations that we had to meet. All of our lives. There may also be a very real sense of emotional exhaustion that accompanies your grief over "what should have been but never was" because you now recognize it. It's the "owning" it that may seem impossible right now, but it's not. In fact, acceptance is the key. One thing that sometimes gets lost in recognizing this type of grief is the fact that, despite the unloving ways we might be treated, we can't just turn off our own love for our mothers. Oh sure, we can deny it, withhold it, destroy it, but that doesn't make it disappear. We do have choices: I chose to offer up my love for my mother -as a gift. An unearned gift. An unconditional gift with no expectation of reciprocation. But, if you choose to honor your heart in this way, too, all I'd say is to do it without allowing that gift to be abused over and over in now-recognizable ways. Honor your gift by finding ways to honor your self. On your own terms. Once you begin to explore your comfort zone -your own thin line of what you will allow in your relationship- you will eventually find your heavy bags emptied of the things you don't want/never wanted, ready to refill and replace with things you do want in your life. Things that make you feel good. Loved. You will get through this.

I am thinking wear dark glasses and noise cancelling head phones. Listen to pleasant music or an audio book. Tune her out, don't listen to what she says. Get up and run the vacuum cleaner. Turn your back on her. Go in and out of the room. Say you are very busy. Taking an online college course. Would you like a cup of tea? Then go to the kitchen. Cut visits short saying I forgot to pickup (whatever). If you can, invite someone to drop in. Talk to that person and ignore mom. Don't give her what she wants. Whatever that might be. She is rude. Staring is rude. You don't have to be polite.

Just another possible explanation, based on experience. "The Stare" sounds very familiar to me. I believe that my mother used The Stare as an emotional triggering "technique." It was intentional. It tapped into my earliest uncomfortable experiences of her passive-aggressive "silent treatment." Like a chess game, she silently tested me out as if she was studying my reaction and what it might reveal to her. After sixty-something years, it still had the power to unsettle, which I now think was her way of feeling in control of our relationship. Power. She never did it if she was in a good mood. To deal with it, I finally learned to physically remove myself, even briefly, to "break the spell." (ie-get a drink of water, take an imaginary phone call, etc.)
But, as others have suggested, maybe just bringing it to your mother's attention will show her that you notice it and wonder why she does it. If your relationship is convivial, you can even point it out when she does it. That might open the door to exploring other medical-type reasons, if she really isn't aware. But, if it appears to be deliberate, and if you are braver than I was, you can tell her to cut it OUT! ...pretty please with sugar on top.
You need to protect your emotional energies. They belong to you, not her. Best wishes!

Wishful,

I have found that meditating helps me to retain my energy level.

I love Llama answer!

Staring is a natural provoker. Your mom may not even know she is doing it. There are so many different reasons why she is staring. It could be medical, medications, loss in thoughts, just trying to think can cause staring. Just have a chat with mom and see if it can be resolved.

Imho, perhaps you should just come out with it - "Mom, why are you staring at me? Do I have food on my face (and yeah, I get that you're annoyed, but maybe if you start off with a joke, you can then say) continued - by the way, every time you see me, do you realize that you stare at me and it drives me crazy?" Perhaps then, depending on how that goes, you can have further convo regarding it.

My mom also does the staring. Her mother used to do the same thing. They always seemed to be gathering information to spring on me later - instead of having an actual conversation right there in the moment. I was never permitted to be anything less than perfect. She'll stare, decide what she thinks my deficits are, and then later on I'll get the random email or comment that such-and-such store has clothing on sale. Or, so-and-so is selling toiletries, or shoes, or whatever she had decided that I need. Bringing it to her attention that she's staring and that I don't like it does not help - just brings out the worst because she denies she does it. I have limited contact with her due to this (and multiple other things). When I do see her, I literally try not to stay in one place too long so she can't stare and make her little assessments on how I look - by the time she focuses her eyes on me, I've moved again. For the record, her own appearance leaves a lot to be desired - to the point where others have asked me if she's OK. The best thing to come of it is that I make a conscious effort to never do this staring to anyone. I am much more aware of my own behaviors and I get my strength from that.

Is it possible that when it appears that she is staring at you, is it possible that she is zoning out? Have you spoken with her physician about these episodes? Is she responsive if you speak to her during the staring? Have you considered placing limits on her visitation? It is your home after all. It seems to me that boundaries are in order not only regarding frequency but length of time. Determine your tolerance level and go from there. You can start by saying please call before you come. To shorten the length of the visit, you can schedule something after. To safeguard your energy you can also not engage in the negativity by redirecting her to something positive.

Is she staring because she is mad or do you think she is getting lost in her thoughts? Have you ever noticed if she does it to others or maybe when just sitting alone in a room? Is this something new or has she done it for years, months, etc? If she is having some dementia issues, she may be really looking at you because you look a little different than her mind remembers.

When you say she visits regular, does that mean she is still able to travel to your home? If she has no problem getting around, then shorten the visit if she gets too negative. If her mind is really intact, tell her 'let's talk about something nicer'. If that doesn't work, tell her you don't want to spend your time with so much negativity and have an errand to run and get her on her way, If you know she's on her way over, call her and chat. If she sounds like she's on a tear again, tell her you have an errand and will call later. If you truly think she understands what she is doing, then explain that she needs to work on the behavior

Maybe she needs to join a church/ladies club or something where people aren't so negative.

It sounds to me like she has mental problems and they are having a major impact on you which is not fair and cannot be tolerated. First of all, I would simply stand strong and tell her - when things are going on - that she has to stop at once and be prepared for a fight. If she starts up and won't stop, get up and walk away and tell her when she stops and is willing to listen and communicate, you will be back. Second, limit the time she is with you. Failing all that, and it will fail, you are going to either keep her away from you completely or have her placed. There can be no middle ground or she will destroy you - do not let it happen.

Ughhh... I hate when Mother stares!! I want to say, "Take a picture. It will last longer." 😂 But I don't because I know she is just baiting me for an argument . Lately, what I've been saying (kindly) is, "Do you need something, Mom?" Her reply is always, "No", but not a defensive tone. That usually ends that.
Mother constantly emits a low frequency negative energy. Sometimes it is so stressful I can't sit across the supper table from her and enjoy my meal or even be in the same room as her.
I think the advice of limiting visits is the best bet.

I actually do this, mentally just saying, "Quack" over and over. It sort of amuses me. Also, once I drew a tiny duck on my wrist in sharpie (tiny) to look at as a reminder. Great phrase.

Listen to lealonnie! She has wonderful advice!! Limit your time and interaction with your mother. If your mother says I’m coming over, tell her NOT today because I’m busy. Then go out of the house and do something you want to do!!!

There are a lot of sites on line about protecting your energy, they’ll be a few that stand out and be a good fit. I tend to use all of them :)

Judith Orloffs Intuitive Healing, I like that book in particular bc she talks about taking care of her aging father and all that went with it. How to protect your energy, and how to navigate being an empath in a situation like this.

Its on audible so I can put my earplugs in and be at peace with her reassuring voice.

Most people here are taking care of their own mom or dad and already it is tough. Try taking care of SOMEONE ELSE'S mom. Like a mother in law. Wow. Day in day out the same shit AND not your own mom. You seriously have no patience anymore. I started out with the patience of a saint and I'm a very laid back easy going understanding person. But she really is impossible and to be honest, a lot of times I'm just wishing she will just die and rid us of her nuisance. There really is no point in her existence and all she does is inconvenience and stress people around her. She has too many problems to list here but since we are talking about the staring, yes she does that too. She just stands there and stares at your face. She is bipolar, schizophrenic, extremely anxious, besides dementia, she has tardive dyskinesia so she would be tsking and smacking her lips and making those damn annoying noises like moist gummy smacking noises when people eat a lot of sticky peanut butter and you trying to unstick your mouth. She would stand at one spot and keep swaying and staring at you. If you ignore it, she will sway and stare at you for as long as you can ignore. My record is about 20mins before I yell at her to GO! GO TO YOUR ROOM!!! Even her own son is pissed at her and he yells at her all the time. Now he just blocks his line of sight from her with a big Amazon box. When he is on the couch and she stands in the hallway . he piles a bunch of stuff and puts a big amazon box on top so her line of sight to him is blocked. Lol.
When I'm cooking in the kitchen, she will stand and sway and stare at me. I always have to tell her to go. Go to her room. And she would be back 2 mins later to do the same thing. Again and again. For more than 10 times until you really have to YELL at her. I really don't like to have to do that but it seems to be the only thing that works. Even getting her to engage in little things she likes to do won't stop the incessant pacing and returning to shadow you and then swaying and staring. So yeah, I yell really loud at her because I don't want to piss myself with pent up anger. So I let it out or I will go crazy mentally. Yelling really helps both her and more importantly, me!
Same thing when I'm at the computer trying to work, she will stand behind me and just sway. For as long as you are sitting and doing your work. I will tell her to not bother me ,I'm busy, I'm working but nothing works with them. She's back 1 min later and swaying behind me and rambling on her nonsense. Repeat this 10,20 times and it keeps going on. So I yell. Believe me there are a couple of times I wanted to take my big glass and just THROW IT AT HER FACE. Sorry. But is the truth. That's how pissed she can get people. We've had 2 caretakers and both gave excuses and left not even 2 weeks of care.

When she does her annoying things, I just totally ignore her and leave her alone and go for a walk, let her wear herself out with her own nonsense. Or I go to my room and lock the door and let her talk herself to death. I've also invested in a pair of good ear plugs so when she starts babbling her nonsense that makes absolutely no sense, I just put the earplugs in. she can talk nonsense nonstop for 5 hrs! Sentences that make no sense, that have no nouns or anything, just the same repeated sentences that make no sense eg 'I'm worried that people.. and I just don't know..and so, it never is, because I just can't, I can't , and with this and that, but I want you to know that everything is, and what it is, but I just , and I just, what it is, I can't, so I just want to know"....BLAH BLAH BLAHH the same bullshit that makes no sense for 5 hrs.
So yeah, too many exhausting and soul sapping nonsense from her that i've learnt to adapt and more importantly, SAVE MYSELF from mental torment and anguish . I just block ( go to my room, out for walk) or ignore with my loud music or earplugs.

OMg...When i saw"staring", I had to jump into this thread! My mom does the same and I hate it...I try to put on YT videos or put a book in her hands. I used to try telling her to stop staring and she would respond with,"there's nothing else to do"..DUH....so screen to the rescue.

Good luck!

Only you can change...you can’t make other people change. I agree with trying the Gray Rock technique on her and deciding how to set boundaries. It probably would be helpful to seek professional help if you don’t think our answers are good enough.

Wow... I was reading some of you replies to the replies to YOU,... got that? I have 3 brothers, two of which are older. Mom divorced our dad when we were in jr high and high school. My brothers were forced to go to work and hold down full time jobs while in high school to support us... and they did. Mom would get jobs but would not keep them but a few weeks. Always someone else's fault. Then found out youngest brother was actually our half-brother. Mom had had an affair. Reason for the divorce and why our dad had NOT stayed home but s working overseas for years? Found out mom lied ALL THE TIME but that was many years down the road. In my case, she pushed me to get my driver's license. NOT for me but for her. This is what I mean---where before I always had to go with her whenever she went anywhere and SHE did the driving... NOW I did all the driving. Also.. when I got a job, she started showing up and try to become buddies with my boss. My boss figure this out, turned her off and could not stand my mother. My mom did NOT understand that my boss did NOT want her there. EVERYWHERE I WENT (except for my job).. every time I got in my car to go anywhere, my mom was in my car. My brother, for my sanity since I did NOT have any money before I got this job, bought me a car for which I eventually paid him back) He had no idea that mom insisted on going with me everywhere. And when she got in her car, I had to go with her. Finally, one day, I told her.. did not ask her.. told her but in nice way.. maybe too nice, that I wanted to go by myself. She was angry and blasted me. Then, a few weeks later, when I went to get in HER car as usual to 'have to" go with her, she blasted me for getting into her car! Go figure. But finally, I did not go pretty much after that and because she had boy friends she was seeing!! I never knew what mental issues my mother had but she had to be mentally ill. Something was seriously wrong with her. She died within 24 hours after having surgery.... busted hernia she never had taken care of... sepsis. I tell ya... I was glad she was gone. She was miserable and made everyone around her miserable. Even though I had been working and had the job, she would insist that I we go on "vacation" together whenever I took a vacation. She never asked me if I wanted to go WITH HER. I had ended up buying a mobile home and she then expected to move in with me. I told her no. Of course, THAT made her mad but I stuck to my guns. She had a house that us kids grew up in that had been built by OUR dad... and nice house but she would NOT keep it up. Also, her car she NEVER took in for maintenance of any kind. She had my older brother do any work on it that needed to be done all those years. And.. my brothers NEVER saw their paychecks from their jobs because mom would get all dolled up... makeup, jewelry... high heels and walk in and take their pay checks. She felt those were HER checks. Very sick woman. So even though my mother never had a mortgage or rent to pay, she could not support herself.. or rather, she REFUSED to support herself.

I pray for you. You will have to set boundaries which we pretty much did NOT do and I did not because I thought I was being mean. I was young... felt awful for the things I was thinking... I had no backbone, no one to counsel me. NO one knew what was going on except for us kids! We had no one to go to. You are NOT being mean. Just know, your mom sounds like my mom... they don't care about you... for whatever reason and just because they want something does not mean that it is right that they asked in the first place and that you have to meet their demands. You can ONLY do so much. You are NOT her all in all and never can be. NO one person can. So....no matter what your mother tells you YOU are.... YOU do what you HAVE to do to keep your sanity. Hugs.

All good advice here - I would also suggest getting a counselor/therapist so that you have someone to talk to - to vent without putting a strain on your husband, without getting flak from your family, and they can help you with a strategy for setting healthy boundaries. It took me 40 years to realize that I could hang up on my mom during one of her abusive phone calls. It was amazingly liberating. You can do it!

In my 60’s, I’m finally learning to emotionally distance myself from my narcissistic mother with the help of a great therapist. She’s recommended several books but the best is probably Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson. It is expensive (59.99 on Amazon) but worth every penny. It is also a difficult read as you begin to recognize the dynamics of your relationship with your mother and the role that she established for you as a child but it explains so much.

My father has now passed away, my mother is in an excellent long term care facility and I am taking charge of my own life - going so far as to move from the west coast to the east coast to be near my son and his family and begin this next chapter of my life. My wake up call was when my psychiatrist asked me during a med check for depression “how much longer are you going to allow your mother to hold you hostage?”.

Don’t be like me and wake up at 64 and realize that you are being held hostage by your elderly mother who is delighted that you are at her beck and call. ☺️

Is there a way to control WHEN she visits and for how long?

What do you do during visits? Is there a way to structure these visits so that they seem less intense to you and she is not staring at you?

What are some things you can do during your visits that would decrease the intensity level?

For example. Make some tea and toast, read the newspaper together. Take the dog for a walk. Make something in the kitchen. Work on a hobby. Do some stretching exercises or yoga. (Fill in with whatever you like to do in your family!)

She senses your distress and is focusing in on you while trying to understand what is going on. When my mother was more vocal, she would immediately sense any frustration and repeat “what’s wrong” with increasing levels of anxiety. Which would, of course, get me even more distressed.

Maybe if you confronted her in a matter of fact way and just said, "Mom, why are you staring at me? She may not be totally aware of it and if you bring it to her attention she may stop. Worth a try:)

Hi it is a tricky one because without meaning to, you have allowed a pattern to develop and it suits your mum just fine. I would try being 'ill' (white lie) as a starter for fobbing her off, as initially you might get quite a bit of resistance from cutting the contact down. If you say you are busy or seeing someone else, you will spend time explaining and defending your choices but not feeling particularly well is usually socially acceptable. Then you can move to phase 2 when you have whittled the contact down a little.
Of course with another reasonable adult we wouldn't lie at all. We could discuss it rationally but another rational adult would not expect you to want to see them all the time and stare at you for too long.

Wishful, I so agree! I keep reading all this good advice but just don't see how I can put it into practice with my own mother without causing family ructions and even problems in my marriage (my husband fails to see my point of view and is Mum's golden boy). Sometimes the choices are not real options.

I usually set time limits and distract my mom with a response of I have errands to attend to, I will be back at another time, a specific day and time. You may have to distract her with the staring as well, remark on how great she looks today, interesting outfit you have on today. Start going on walks with her, even if it is just around the block once or twice. We all need that break now and then. You are trying to be a good person, and you are, but take control and set some limitations.

Maybe she is staring at you because she loves you! Lol!
My mother is an emotional vampire too. She is 82 years old and has drained me most of my adult life. Setting boundaries is the most important things. Set a precedence with her. Mothers sometimes want to be the most important one or she may see you still as a child and think that it is ok to behave this way.
Tell her how you feel, even if she does not like it, even it make your uncomfortable, and set boundaries with her.

Can you limit her visits? Also make the visits shorter by going out to run "errands or do appointments". I feel the same when checking in with my mother at her apartment. Most of the time is not peaceful. I call everyday and have reduced not only my visits but the length if time I am with her. You have to save your sanity. I don't know what to say about the staring. Odd. Set boundaries and do not be so available. Make sure she is cared for but you are not required to do it all.

I feel for you, I have lived with that hold over my life for a long time. I have my own life but that is the background and the guilt or not so much guilt but hold. Am also single no kids so she doesn't understand anything about my life not they way she would have wanted it to be, never mind asking me if I am happy with my life, she isn't. My only brother died many years ago and I guess I was always trying to make her happy which really is impossible wasn't before he passed away and impossible after. My father is now in hospice and was emotionally not so there self preservation I think, however was my rock as even if not that emotionally available never controlling or negative and was incredibly supportive during some difficult times, he dealt with her his whole life somehow it worked. I am looking at him being gone in not too long and am really scared at how our relationship will change, I need to make more boundaries and demands. Complicating the issue we are immigrants - here forever but she counts on me for everything - claims she doesn't understand when actually it's just that her sense of self worth is so small and she won't allow herself to believe that she can do anything. She cannot have empathy for anyone only her way is ever right and the way she sees the world, scared, paranoid, controlling, I feel for her pain but that pain has colored my life and done much damage over the years. She is also now the only family I will have and is like a petulant child, constantly stonewalls which is painful- I have many cousins but its really not the same. I have never done counseling but am starting next week to help me through this transition as I don't want to lose myself completely in the next few years not having my dad as a buffer will be really difficult.

Wishful77, until you change you, you won't be able to stop her. I'd suggest that you get counseling. And if you have to cut off the rest of the family so be it. Only you can get yourself healthy by putting a stop to it. Hang in there and know we are all pulling for you.

My mother is like this. But I made a commitment to her and I will keep it. Less from love than from a sense of obligation. What works for me is to set boundaries: 2-3 hours maximum and realize that I WILL be tired afterwards and allow for that. My husband knows I will need a nap and probably will be useless the rest of the day. So we don’t plan anything else. The other thing that helps (though can be easy to say and hard to do) is just distancing yourself. I whisper to myself “let it flow like water off a duck’s back...water off a duck’s back.” It’s taken me two years to figure out what works for me. Just keep trying different things and don’t take it personally.