My parents are in their 80s. My dad is still doing well but my mother is memory impaired. I think my dad will need help with her but is too proud to allow me to help although I keep offering. The issue is that my youngest brother is 47 years old and has never worked. My parents have always paid his bills. He does not have a disability that I think would qualify for any social security or such. He just feels entitled to have them support him, he has a PhD in Philosophy and has an attitude that he is "above" the working world. His obnoxious personality has precluded him working in academia and that is all he is technically qualified for other than low level jobs he considers himself too good for.
My parents seem to see themselves as immortal. They haven't prepared a will or any provision for my brother after death. They seem to have the attitude that there is plenty of time for that but I don't think so.
Does anyone have advice on how to proceed with this? I'd like to get my parents to set things up so that my brother gets some kind of annuity so he doesn't get a big inheritance and blows it all fast leaving him homeless. Since this situation has gone one so long, I don't think they should plan on leaving money to anyone else.
Currently they own a home worth about 500k which they plan to sell for their own eldercare, other than that there isn't much.
Maybe you could try to have another family member/close trusted friend speak with them?
My relationship with my parents is permanently broken due to the issues with my brother but with them in their 80s I'm trying to just get the mess of their lives sorted out and keep my brother away from me if possible.
Meanwhile, if there is any way or anyone to convince your dad to see a lawyer to do a will hopefully he’ll go and plan for he and his wife, then treat both his adult children fairly
Because quite frankly, you should tell him to put his big boy pants on and quit sucking off his aged parents.
If he choses to continue with his attitude after they are gone you are in no way obligated to pay anything for him or provide him with a home. It is amazing how false pride goes by the wayside when you haven't eaten for a couple of days.
It is unfortunate that your parents are not willing to put things in writing, but not uncommon. My dad had to go through a crisis and almost die before he would appoint POAs, he has nothing left but SS so the rest didn't matter. But I am afraid that your mom is beyond appointing anyone and your dad may find himself up a creek without a paddle if he himself has any medical emergency.
Your brother, well, I believe that if you don't work, you don't eat and that can change things pretty quickly for a prideful, arrogant, entitled boy.
Does this brother live with your parents?
You called him your youngest brother. Do you have other siblings?
Not only should the parents plan for their possible nursing care costs, but also set up a Will/Trust, Living Will, pre-plan for funeral arrangements/expenses, and be sure they have at least 2 people (not just a spouse) who can be on the HIPPA and be their Medical POA.
I have met a few men who feel they are above mere mortals and cannot be an employee. They have started their own businesses.
If there is no money left after your parents die, then your brother will have to figure out what to do. It is not your circus.
Given how airy-fairy about it your parents have been when you've questioned their estate planning, I'm just wondering how much you know for sure about your parents' money and how much is educated guesswork?
Do they understand your concerns, or do you think they might think you're asking with an element of self-interest about it?
It might, perhaps, be an idea to write your worries down in letter form. Nicely, but to the effect of "listen up, dumbo - if you get struck by lightning tomorrow dear little Friedrich is going to be up the creek without a paddle, and if you think I'll be hauling him out you've got another think coming. SORT YOUR MONEY OUT. Lots of love xxx"
If you can staple this to a document proposing suitable investments your father might consider, so much the better.
I must say you're remarkably equable about all this. Good for you! - but does not it not chafe at all?
I think the annuity is a good idea. You’ve peaked my interest there. The only thing is, i don’t think it can be set up before they die. You have to make an initial investment and commit to a certain amount. As someone who again has a bum sibling, speaking for me personally, even though I will not enable him, it would give me PEACE OF MIND knowing that he receives a certain amount of money each month. It would be better than cutting him that huge check only to have him blow it within months and end up on the street. I would hope that with an annuity, he would at least use it to pay rent on an apartment. I am going to ask my parents what they think about an annuity, I bet they would be willing to call the lawyer & see if something can be written into the trust that authorizes me to take my brothers half & put it in an annuity for him. I would feel better knowing he has money to live off of.
I don’t think everything should be left to your brother, simply because your parents have taken care of him all this time. It’s ultimately our parents decision to decide how to split their estates. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to leave more to the children they helped out the LEAST but that’s just me.
They can set his inheritance up one way and yours completely different.
Please do plenty of research on annuities before you talk to them about one.
The old adage if it sounds to good to be true...yeah.
One benefit is that the house would have to be sold before he got any money, so he wouldn't be filling the house up with stuff.
I have to say, I was on my own at 16 and my formal education ended in the 9th grade, I refused to have my parents need to call if I was ill. So I personally don't think that is a good excuse. I learned every day how to improve my lot and learn my job. I became a full charge bookkeeper and then a successful business owner. No formal education is just an excuse, can't teach ambition.
To even be considered for work requires a paper trail of employment, legal status, credit, and health/drug fitness. It requires personal references. So if he's as bad as sister claims, he can not manage and is not employable under current laws and company policies.
You said he is your "youngest brother". Does this mean you have more than one brother?
It might also reframe how you think about him.
He can find work, people are willing to give anyone a job to give them a chance. There are help wanted signs everywhere. No excuses for not working.
Do I remember a similar post and the deadbeat brother knew his free ride was over and actually stepped up and started working and doing what he needed to do to have a roof and food.
No matter what your brothers issues are he makes the choice every single day to mooch off your parents, as you have discovered you can't change that, but you don't have to pick up where they left off. He is a big boy and there are all kinds of jobs that he will be able to do. His education at this point is a piece of expensive paper, it will never serve him in life, he wasted that opportunity.
Please get your head wrapped around the reality that you are not responsible to pick up where your parents leave off. People can smell that stuff and he will eat you alive if he thinks you will waiver and support him. Practice, No, No, NO.
Secondly - I think you need to take what you have told us and any supporting paperwork (including bank statements if you can get them) and go and see an elder lawyer and apply for all bits of paper he thinks necessary now and in the future that you can so that when something happens to your parents things are in place.
You cannot stop them leaving money how they like - and you don't sound as though you are bothered about them leaving it to you, only that they are all cared for, but getting advice from an Elder Lawyer or if he/she recommends a financial planner sounds like a good place to start.
Very best wishes to you in getting things at least underway xx
You say you don't care about the money, but isn't your resentment of the favoritism rooted in money, because that is after all what they have in essence given him over the years? They have financially supported him.
With no will, their estate will be split three ways.
What happens if your parents need help in their home? You say you keep offering, but your father refuses. Are you offering to be the help? If so, why?
Sounds like something your brother should be doing! Why doesn't he move in with them and become their caregiver, in payment for all they have given him over the years?
You are going to be saddled with an awful lot within a few years. You will probably be expected to be directing their caregiving (if not expected to be doing it yourself). Why not back away now?
If no will, you can go to Probate and become an Administrator. They have the same responsibilities as an Executor but the court will decide how the estate will be split up. Since there r 3 of you, probably 3 ways. I don't see where its fair that it all should go to ur brother. What about the other brother, does he feel this way.
They do not necessarily share the information with their siblings, but someone will be in charge of the administration of the trust after the parents pass.
Sorry this issue has come between you and your family.
You are right to be standing by and offering to help your parents. However, unless they ask or allow you to help, try not to let this interfere with your relationship.
Maybe visit a little less often.
You need to have a life too.
I have seen family step in at the last minute when help was needed, unravel a mess, and the parents were cared for.
Her brother has never been diagnosed but it sounds like he has a personality disorder that probably should have been addressed at an early age. It doesn't mean he can't hold down a job. He probably feels his siblings should care for him when his parents pass. That thought needs to be squashed now. He is an emancipated adult responsible for himself.
If it were me in this situation, I’d be more concerned about making damn sure no one — brother, mom, dad — expects me & my family to be taking over the enabling when parents are gone. If you inherit any money, you can see an elder care lawyer yourself to use that money for a trust for your brother’s care.
My husband has a sister who is who is a lifelong moocher & can’t or won’t live on her own. She is also the mother’s favorite. When her last live-in relationship fell apart 11 years ago, she convinced her divorced sister to sell her condo & move in with her in a large house she wanted. A house that the parents put up the down payment for, with the agreement the parents would move in with them “when the time came”.
When she lost her excellent-paying job 5 years ago, she didn’t change her lifestyle; instead, going thru her small retirement savings. Meanwhile, most jobs available were beneath her (her words). Now she is working at one of those jobs and barely contributing at all to the shared household expenses.
Her motivation to take one of those jobs? Their needy mother moved in after father passed. Mother also not contributing to expenses (mother is also a lifelong moocher except when it comes to that 1 daughter). Sister making all the money & paying all the bills finally put her foot down, telling sister to either find a job or her job is catering to the mother. Working was much more preferable.
The other 3 siblings have made it clear moocher sibling isn’t welcome to live with any of them. One daughter is just like her mother; other daughter has already accepted she will have her mother living with her at some point in time.
ive got the same kind of brother (except mine never even finished high school). When you’ve got a sibling who has been enabled for years like this, it really does become your problem in some ways.
case in point....my MIL enabled my BIL for years & supported every bad decision he made. He’s never had to pull up his boot straps and get himself out of the jam he created. My MIL never nipped the problem in the butt, she enabled until the end of her life. She died last year and now he’s become my SILs problem. As far as I can tell, she’s choosing to pick up where MIL left off. When she’s had enough, and I do believe that day will come, he’s going to start knocking on our door.
And my BIL blew through his inheritance from MIL in less than a year. Paid off one small debt and blew threw the rest.
Chairman Mao believed in putting intellectuals to work in the rice paddies, too. Character-forming, was the idea, break down their bourgeois reactionary tendencies and all that.
But you can't use a scalpel as a hacksaw and expect it to go well, either for the scalpel or your woodworking project.
There must be *some* realisable value in the brother's abilities, all the same. KFT, are you on speaking terms with him at all or is he just too annoying to be borne?