My sister passed away unexpectedly in February leaving behind her two daughters. I've been caring for my grandma full time for over a year and have been caring for her 24/7 since early December. All the changes have made her very irritable. I can't do anything right. Shes always making snarky remarks with everything anyone says or does. I know she's sad because of her grandchild passing, but she's more focused on her home changing, upset because I can't take her shopping as I have been, and upset because I don't want to cook exactly what she wants, as I've been cooking meals, instead of catering to what she particularly wants. The juggle in having to care for everyone in this difficult time is so exhausting, but she is my biggest stressor. I've been concentrating on the girls. They need as much comfort as possible. They've just lost everything. I can't get her to understand that this situation is affecting everyone, not just her. I fear I'm beginning to feel resentment towards her. She fears I'm going to put her in a nursing home so she begs me now on a daily basis not to do so which makes me think that she doesn't really care about me at all. I'm not even sure I've been able to grieve in a healthy way. There are custody issues involving the youngest daughter as well. I've been so busy, there's no time. This forum is filled with wonderful people that have been though so much and I'm just reaching out to those who understand.
Her grandmother is 91, can't walk and has Dementia and cannot be left alone. OPs mother cannot help because she is recovering from an illness of her own. Cousins do not want to help. So who is going to care for Grandmom if Annit goes home. Maybe grandmom can't afford in home care.
She did mention she inherits the home and would hate to get rid of it because her grandfather built it but then says looks like it will need to be sold for Grandmoms care. She realizes that now Grandmom will need to go to a facility and in two different responses says she will be taking the children to her house to raise.
Her husband works 60 hrs a week. That averages 12 hrs a day in a five day work week. You have to add in the time you need to get up, dress and eat breakfast and the drive time to work so add another 2 hrs to that. So that makes it a 70 hr week. So 14 hrs a day. That leaves him 10 hrs a day to sleep and keep the house up. He probably does his own laundry. She says he comes to see her and I bet while he is there he does things around the house.
Annit as the maternal Aunt has to file for custody. Annit now has to make the decision to place her Grandmother so she can raise these too children. And only she can place grandmom. If you read her responses she had already raised 2 of her own. She is stepping up to the plate and all these two can do is criticize.
Read her first post
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/just-needing-to-vent-i-feel-stuck-any-advice-478997.htm
Right after that her sister died.
She ALSO has a grandmother living alone who has suddenly gone down to immobility, and she has moved with the girls to care for her in her large home while she fights a court case for one of the girls.
Add to this she has a mom in care for her own injury and a husband trying to hold their own household together while he works 60 hours a week to keep the bread on the table (albeit willingly).
What WE can do about all this is very little. But the one thing we COULD do is offer support and just a couple of ideas we perhaps can come up with.
Instead we argue about her circumstances and make the most awful assumptions about her and her entire family, when to my mind she has acted fast and heroically to terrible circumstances. The whole thing makes me sad. I love this forum, and believe we can do so much better.
ADMIN, it’s best to close down the comments. Please. Thank you.
Also, annit is in desperate need for support , not interrogation. If you can, then support her, otherwise please don’t add more stress to her situation.
The courts won’t be shutting down discussion by hitting a report button.
Like PolarBear, I hope you won't leave. Your situation is SO complex; we didn't get all the cogs on the wheel for a while, so we went to arguing some issues back and forth. I think with your faithful answers to us we have it straight now. Let me know if I am wrong:
1. Your sister died unexpectedly, and you are now caring for BOTH her girls.
2. The girls have two different fathers, one who is dead and the other an abuser. You are currently battling the abuser in court to keep the girls together and have custody of them both.
3. At the SAME time your elderly grandmother is off her feet completely and in need of your care, and you have moved in with her on an emergent basis.
4. You are meanwhile physically separated from hubby while he works 60 hours a week to earn enough to support you ALL, a loving home you have, and you miss him.
I hope I have it straight. I hope you don't leave us. I hope you got to pick out pieces in our responses that might help.
I do think that your grandma should accept placement right now. If you are her POA you may have to help with THAT as well. If she won't you must move back home and report her as a senior in need to APS. You cannot handle it all.
I do think you should continue in the custody fight because the father is abusive, and the fact you have the two girls, they are together, and WANT TO BE WITH YOU and together will count a lot in the courts. For the girl who's dad is dead there should be social security to apply for her support. For the other younger girl, if he wants her so bad he should be proving that by support, which he never paid.
I do think you would win that support and custody battle more certainly if you are in the loving home with your husband. Grandma has had her life (sad to say, and blunt) and you are in a mess now trying to gain custody, support and a loving home for these girls.
My heart goes out to you. I can't tell you how much I wish the very best for you. Forgive us out back-yard-over-the-fence conversations as we tried to figure out the exact situation here. It's so complex!
Annit, you deserve to be supported in your very stressful situation. I am sorry for the negative judgement from a few posters. Please focus on the many positive and supportive replies and ignore the rest.
Many hugs to you. Don't go. Please.
It’s so sad that Annit and her family are going through this. Life can be very challenging at times. Somehow, most of us make it through it.
Annit,
I am so sorry about Peggy. She gets on these rampages with very little info. She has been told by OPs to stop posting on their threads. One thing as OPs we cannot do is block people from our threads. Just ignore her.
You can use us as a sounding board. Hopefully ask questions with no negative feed back. Just vent away. Tackle one step at a time. But know, if Dementia is in the picture grandmom needs to be placed. These children need a home and your undivided attn and your DH needs a wife. Its no longer what GM wants but what she needs and thats 24/7 care in a nice facility.
You must push back when she starts acting up. Put her in her place, gently but firmly. You need to act as the adult with authority, and not an obedient grandchild. That is your role now, you have two children looking up to you. So, step up to the plate.
Clearly, you are an excellent granddaughter and aunt. You have been totally selfless and it’s taking a toll on you.
I am equally concerned for you as I am for your nieces. Of course, I understand that your grandmother is suffering as well.
I certainly understand that you are starting to feel resentful. You deserve to be able to grieve the loss of your sister.
Your grandmother most likely has a fear of the unknown. The thought of entering a facility is frightening to her.
Tell me, what do you want to do? Don’t answer this question with what your grandmother wants.
What are your desires in life? Your dreams? How old are you? How old are your nieces? Are you considering raising them? You have so much on your plate right now. I’m sure that you are completely overwhelmed by all of this.
Can your grandmother hire a caregiver from an agency to sit with her for a few hours so you can take a break?
Have you ever contacted Council on Aging in your area? That would be a good place to start. They can do a needs assessment on your grandmother and if she qualifies you will start receiving a limited amount of hours of care each month for her.
If you feel that you can no longer do caregiving then please consider placing her in a facility. She will adjust and you can visit her.
Wishing you peace as you continue on this difficult path.
My grandma's house is supposed to go to me after she passes. Before the death of my sister I was setting myself a time limit on my grandma's care, and willing to sell her property and place her in a care facility because the stress in caring for her alone with no help was overwhelming and extremely isolating. Now I have the girls. The circumstances have changed. Sorry for all the venting.
BTW, where is your mother's generation in all this?
Annit, do you have someplace else you can live with the girls? It sounds as though grandma might be happier living alone with hired help.
She certainly doesn't appear to appreciate what you're doing. When that happens to me, I stop helping.