Need help moderating conflict with my Dad who is caring for my Mom with dementia. He is restricting our access, and the care she receives.

I think you want this website: https://officeonaging.org/aps/

This is the link for APS for your county (assuming that's also where your parents live?) and to judge from their introductory page I think you'll find them a tremendous source of advice and support.

I had two black eyes from falling on ice and breaking my nose. DH recently developed a shiner from having a window frame cosh him on temple (he is on blood thinners).

I also had an aunt who was being beaten black and blue by her previously lovely and gentle DH who had developed vascular dementia.

In any event, it no longer sounds like a safe environment for her. Please call APS.

What bothers me about what you're saying here is that your dad is 'poisoning' the relationship between you, telling her bald faced lies to upset her, insisting she's less able-bodied than she really is, and that she doesn't need an aide or a life alert bracelet in spite of taking multiple falls. Something is wrong with your dad, mentally, here. Alcoholism often turns into alcohol related dementia which can cause him to become abusive...........both emotionally AND physically. It sounds like he's acting uncharacteristically odd and 'off'..........and therefore, that is cause for worry. How do you know for certain that your mother's bruises and black eyes were due to falls? You are saying your dad has a lot of anger issues so ask yourself how possible/probably it is that your mother is being physically abused here?

Dementia can turn ugly in a heartbeat. Brain damage can turn the nicest person into a mean and nasty person, especially when adding copious amounts of alcohol into the mix.

I'm sure you must be extremely worried about this entire situation (as I would be if it were my folks) and my heart goes out to you. I think you've gotten some good advice here about calling APS, etc. If you see your father even raise his hand to your mother, call 911 and get him shipped off to the hospital for evaluation. If he's deemed to have dementia, you may be able to get him placed that way, and to get a social worker involved.

Wishing you the best of luck and sending you a big hug and some prayers for a good resolution to this whole mess.

Using your zip code (theirs if you don't live nearby) find EC Attornies at:

https://www.naela.org/findlawyer

Most will give an initial limited free consult (have ALL questions drawn up before any consult.) Check with a few, find out what they might be able to do and what their estimate would be. Most can get an emergency hearing to get the ball rolling sooner, if you are very concerned about her well-being. Although it will cost (atty and court costs), between 6 of you, you should be able to chip in, and if they grant guardianship, they should allow her share of the assets to be used to reimburse you.

Guardianship is not to be taken lightly and requires a lot of effort for seeing to mom's care, keeping records and reporting to the court system, but if you are concerned about her, this is what you should do.

A combination of alcohol and dementia is not a good thing, and there is potential that he has developed cognitive issues as well. Just a normal person caring for someone with dementia can "lose it." Given his history with alcohol, and apparently severing relationships with his children and/or blocking access to your mother, I would be very concerned about her welfare.

I would not assume the falls/bruising are abuse, as it can be legitimate. Falls happen no matter what we do, but if he is truly saying these things to her, that IS emotional/mental abuse - regardless of whether she remembers or not.

Question for you:
Are you witnessing him saying/doing these things, or is she telling you this?

As one person noted, people with dementia can say and believe the craziest of things/scenarios. However if you know for a fact that he says/does this, get those consults with EC atty ASAP! The step after verbal abuse is usually physical abuse.

Another alternative, esp if there is delay in getting legal help - if possible, can you arrange to take mom out, under pretense of shopping, a walk, a drive, give dad a break, or something, and take her home with one of you? At least then you could monitor yourself and see how it goes...

P.S. While it certainly can't hurt to report something to APS, I wouldn't rely on them to get this dealt with ASAP. There isn't a lot they can do, and with the virus there will likely be a lot of delays. If he refuses to let them in, they can't "check" on anything and even if he does, unless they see obvious signs of abuse, they aren't going to intervene. I would seek legal advice and go from there, esp if you can't get her out, at least temporarily. They can get emergency orders, which would help to protect her while investigations happen.

CAtoOH, do you or any of your siblings have durable PoA for your mom? If not, your only course of action is to call APS (Adult Protective Services) at their county's social services (Dept of Health and Human Services). This will get her on their radar. You and your siblings can pursue guardianship of your mom through the courts and your father (if he is not her PoA and is neglecting her) won't be able to stop it. Do you know for a fact that your mom received her stitches and bruises from an actual fall? Just have to ask this very difficult (and disturbing) question because your dad may have tipped into dementia himself (and exacerbated by his alcoholism, or dehydration or UTI) and doing things that are amplified or uncharacteristic of his typical behavior.

I'm going to guess that your dad has probably not assigned a durable PoA for himself. If so, please try to impress upon him that this means the county will eventually pursue it and his family will have no control over his care or what happens to him. I wish you all the best as you try to help them, and peace in your heart that you are doing all you can.

I’ve never known someone to get a black eye from a fall alone. That is worrisome. Physical abuse might be going on.

Please talk to APS - they may investigate (or not) and support you seeking guardianship. This is a little more complicated than a POA, in that you have to make annual reports to the court in my area that include visits and finances. But it gives you absolute power over where she lives and who is serving her. You would be able to rescue her from this difficult situation legally.

How do you know that your father is making the false claims to your mother? Is it based on what she has told you? I'd try to get it confirmed, because, people who have dementia often report things that are not true. They may believe it is true, because, of the dementia.

Do you know if he is keeping caregivers from her? Is her care suffering, other than what you have stated in your post? I'd likely seek a consult with an attorney about the options. I'd inquire if you have a case to petition for Guardianship, which, would place someone other than the husband in charge of her care. I'd get legal advice on what evidence you need and if it is an option with the present situation. Was any explanation of the falls given?

I know you are angry with your Dad, but consider alternative perspectives for a moment.

In your question you never mentioned Covid-19, but you posted this message during the third month of a global pandemic. Although some places around you may be getting back to a “new normal,” it is more than reasonable (it is smart and advised) to limit visits and reject the introduction of outsiders (such as a caregiver). In fact, many areas remain under a “stay-at-home” order. Anyone who has access to national news should be restricting visits, even from family members. Nationally recognized scientists and mathematicians project that this will continue for many months. It is a fact that both of your parents are high risk based on age alone. Tens of thousands of Americans have lost one parent in the past three months—many were prevented from saying goodbye in person at the end — and many have not been allowed to even have funerals.

Your Dad, as primary caregiver, has lost his “normal.” Not just because of the virus. You may feel that he doesn’t love your mom because of his bad behavior (alcoholism), but the fact that they are still together is evidence of a shared love for one another.

So the person he loves most is losing ground— memory, control, eyesight, hearing, mobility, strength, personality. If you haven’t experienced this as a caregiver, you may someday. Regardless of the diagnosis or label, this is the process of aging. It is terribly painful. I know you hurt too, and feel although you don’t have a front row seat, you still can see this tragedy playing out from where you are. Remember that your dad is sitting in the “splash zone.”

What can you do? Bring a casserole. Offer to get groceries (or arrange for a delivery) help with medications, pharmacies, doctors appointments. Call and talk to your dad. Ask how He is doing. Listen and show interest in his life and concerns. This has been a difficult time for him. Give him a break from caregiving by coming to stay with your mom while he goes out.

A call once a week or even once a day may be your norm, but when a loved one is sick, A day can feel like a month. Maybe your Dad does tell your mom you don’t call often, but maybe that is his perception.

Of course, if your mom is a victim of physical abuse, get her help. Investigate personally to confirm first. Our state public health workers have been complete crises. Don’t call them unless you have a reasonable belief that there is a present danger.

I was holding my mom’s hand once when she fell in a parking lot and I could not have possibly stopped it. She had two black eyes from the pressure of the fall. It was safer when she was at home, but she fell there too. Declining eyesight, medical issues such as blood pressure, decreasing mobility and general aging were all contributors. So are many medications prescribed to geriatric patients, with dizzy/confusion side effects. People fall in nursing homes too.

if your mom winds up in a nursing home, that may not make her safe. You also may not be able to visit your mom there due to changing (Covid-19) restrictions. When your area is completely clear, another wave may come. Regardless, nursing home visits may never be as free and easy as they once were, before this national health crisis.

There is no perfect story when someone you love is getting older. Try to help your dad solve the problem first before rushing to complicate things at an already stressful time.

Depressed alcoholics usually become depressed alcoholics with dementia. What is stopping you from going over there in person and seeing your mother? How exactly is he restricting your access? If you showed up with doughnuts or some other treat you know he likes, what do you think his reaction would be? If you can get inside, and I would not go alone, you can take pictures and document their living conditions and them. If he gets violent, call 911. If you find your mother in bad shape, call 911 and get an ambulance to take her to the hospital. You cannot do this by yourself.