What can I get as a present for my dying Mother?

Is she alert and aware? Do you think she'd want to see her family one last time?

Perhaps something very, very simple such as a lovely card with a vase of her favorite flowers, with sentiments of the love you share for her, how much she's influenced your life....something that will soothe her during her last days.

Are there any frienda you think she might want to see, or talk to?

I see in your profile reference to what people often discuss with a dying relative, i.e., that's it's all right for them to let go. Perhaps you could add that to a card as it's very, very difficult to say to someone in person.

It might be that that confirmation that it's okay to let go and pass on could be the best gift you could give her, as it would help her believe that you still love her, will miss her, but know that it's time to end the suffering. You'd be giving her your blessing to move toward a peaceful solution.

My heart goes out to you. I was thinking that many churches ( the bigger ones) have stores and you can get a CD of comfort music if you don't already have one. All of Garden's suggestions are good but honestly just being there and loving your mom will be the best present she could receive. Patrice

Just being there will make her happy. But I would get her a bouquet of her favorite flowers, something that smells lovely - smell brings back memories. Also, a CD of her favorite music.

A CD of favorite or soothing music is a really, really great idea!

It doesn't have to be big or complicated.
A balloon, a card, a cupcake. A hug and kiss.

My mom was 78 a few weeks ago and is in hospice.
I took her a McDonald's happy meal, a balloon, and a stuffed fuzzy cat & dog.
She doesn't like the way sweet things taste anymore.
Her appetite is very small to non-existent, so she only had a bite of the burger & two tiny fries. Before, she would have eaten it all up with apple pie and want more.

As far as dying goes, you should talk to her doctor about ordering in Hospice services ASAP. You don't have to pay for that. They will help her and you through this next phase. They are very good at what they do, and it will help you not feel like you have to always have the perfect words. My mom gets an extra bath from hospice, pastoral care visits, and music therapy. The hospice nurse visits her 2-3 times a week.

I told my mom that if she's ready to go, it's OK. Don't worry about us, we'll be just fine. I know she's tired and worn out, and if she feels like "going home", that is what she should do. She told the hospice pastor yesterday that she is ready to go. Now we just wait on her body to get the memo. If she continues not eating, it won't be a long time.

Mother is awake,but not too alert.She tries to read her paper,but falls asleep.She sleeps alot on and off through the days.She cant taste anything and she cant smell anything.she has a hole in her septum.She is very sweet and kind and appreciative.Mother was placed on Hospice July,2012.The nurse is cold and is a know it all,She has told me zero about dying and what to expect.She said she doesnt caare for her own mother.

Luckylu, you can call the hospice service and ask for a different nurse and tell them exactly what you said above. Also request that they bring with them the phamplet about the dying process and what to expect. I am going to look online now and see if I can find one for you. Your nurse should be compassionate and caring not cold and harsh. Praying for peace and comfort for your mom and family.

You have the right to call in any hospice organization you want. The nursing home cannot prevent this change, nor can the existing hospice group.

One to two weeks prior to death, your loved may be bed bound and experiencing:

Increased pain, which can be treated
Changes in blood pressure, respiratory rate, and heart rate
Continued loss of appetite and thirst and difficulty taking medications by mouth
Decline in bowel and bladder output
Changes in sleep-wake patterns
Temperature fluctuations that may leave the skin cool, warm, moist, or pale
Constant fatigue
Congested breathing from the build-up of secretions at the back of the throat, which can be very distressing for family members. but which isn't painful and can be managed
Disorientation or seeing and talking to people who aren't there
The hallucinations and visions, especially if they are of long-gone loved ones, can be comforting. If they are pleasing to the person who is dying, it is best not to try convincing the person that they aren't real. Trying to convince someone who is pleasantly confused that a loved one isn't there can make that person agitated and combative.

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When death is imminent – within days or hours:

Your loved one may not want food or drink.
There may be little or no bladder or bowel activity
Pain may show as grimaces, groans, or scowls and should be managed.
Eyes may tear or become glazed.
If not already unconscious, your loved one may drift in and out of consciousness. It's important to continue talking to your loved one and holding his or her hand since he or she probably can still hear and feel.
Pulse and heart beat may be irregular or difficult to detect.
Body temperature will drop and the skin of the knees, feet, and hands will become a mottled bluish-purple. Once the mottling starts, death often occurs within 24 hours.
Breathing, punctuated by gasping starts and stops, will slow until it stops entirely.
For children and teens, the signs and symptoms are more or less the same as for adults. However, the course of dying is harder to predict in children. They often remain fairly active and ask a lot of tough-to-answer questions right up until the end is near.

In the last days or hours, your loved one may experience what doctors call terminal delirium: heightened activity and confusion often accompanied by hallucinations so distressful they may cry out, strike out, or try to climb out of bed. Since your loved one could hurt him or herself, it's important to try to stop it with medications or with other non-drug interventions.
Make sure the room is well lit, but not brightly lit; also make the room as quiet and peaceful as possible and constantly assure your loved one that you are there.

Ironically, in the last days or hours, a loved one may also experience a period of clarity and lucidity.

During the journey to death, the signs and symptoms of approaching death are unique to each person and his or her condition. Some people have a very gradual decline. Others have a more rapid decline, and their signs and symptoms are usually more pronounced.

When to Say Good-bye
One of the hardest questions is when to call in family members to say good-bye andto make memories for the future.

Family should be notified as soon as it becomes evident that death is approaching. This allows the care team to provide them insight about what to expect – both in terms of their loved one's decline and their own physical and emotional reactions – and it enables family members to support one another and their loved one.

Don't assume, however, that calling the family in means they will be there at the end. It's often the case that families will sit late into the night, but the person doesn't die until they have left, as if he or she was unable to let go while they were there.

I just went through this with my LOVE. It is right on the mark. I would add, that if it is your husband or wife and you can crawl into the hospital bed with them to hold them. It was such a blessing when my sweetheart put his arms around me and squeezed my hand gently of course. His trying to get out of bed was about three days before he passed. The ending happened when he knew I was going to not be alone. I had prayed to God that I did not know how I could watch the breathing stop and God provided. My pastor came over and while we were praying, my Love passed. I was the only one with him through the entire process. And, that was fine with me. We had a love that many never have. True honesty and willingness to go to extreme lengths to make sure they know they are loved, even staying up for two days with little sleep to be there for him. I played beautiful peaceful music and NO other noise...disrupting the death process could be stressful for them. His breathing included sudden not breathing and when I passed my hand across his chest he would breath again. Finally, I realized I had to stop keeping him and stop using my hand on his chest. It was difficult but beautiful. NEVER did he cry out or moan,,,Such a man was he. I will miss him, but I know where he is. He is with Our Lord.

My mom ate a piece of pizza with us just 1 or nights before she passed on, and one of the few things she actually enjoyed was a little stroll (her in her wheelchair) through their little garden. She did not like touring the building and looking at the art work, but the flowers outdoors did something for her even though when I'd tried to take some to her in rehab she did not want or like that at all.

I brought jello cups and fruit cups. He loved them Cool them Jello is good near the end when they cannot swallow without choking.

I agree, lie next to her and hold her hand. You ARE the greatest gift.

Luckylu, I found a lovely card, and inserted a lengthy letter telling her all the reasons I Loved and admired her , and included many little stories and happy memories of my childhood and my life with her and my Dad and our family life. I read it to her, or actually attempted to read it to her, crying as I read it, but she got very emotional, and preferred to read it on her own after I left the room. Later she told me how much she appreciated it and asked that I place it in her coffin with her, which caused me to cry, it was a cry fest, lol. But in her coffin it went, along with the many many cards and letters she received from so many people, and relatives all over the world. She said she couldn't believe how many people loved her, but it wasn't hard for me to believe it, she was a fantastic person to everyone who knew her. She was the type of person that people felt very comfortable with, and she was always very fair, when advising someone who came to her looking for advice. She Always took my husband's side when we had a falling out, or at least, she always made me see his perspective, I'll always love her for that. He Loved her, both my parents very much. He never had the close knit family that I have, and I'm sure it is one of the reasons he married me. Anyways, you can't go wrong with a letter of Love and Admiration for sure! You hang in there Sweetie, I know how hard this is for you right now! I'm thinking of you! Love Stacey B

Many thanks to all of you for your thoughtful ideas.Holding her is all I want to do.I have written her many notes through the years and thanked her for everything over and over.She has been my biggest gift in my life and my Dad too.Thank you all for caring and take care.luckylu

Oregongirl, you have given the most beautiful description of your husband's death. I am anxious for it to happen to my husband, because it is so hard to see him drifting so far away from me in this thoughts. I don't know if there are any left, but it is so difficult. He is just slipping away from me. I hate this!

Put together a slide show of family pictures that really takes her back. ... Then lie next to her and look at them together.

To staceyb - give a hug
You have helped me with what to give a loved one who is passing on. A dear friend of mine was released to hospice care 2 days ago, and I am devastated. None the less, I wanted to show her how much I love and appreciate her. So following your suggestion, I will write her a letter and let her know. She has tremendous faith and has been a life coach to many people. I want to make her last days lovely. Sunshine Lady.

Sunshinlady, thank you for the compliment! God Bless you and your Sweet Friend through this most difficult journey. While the dying process is so very difficult, it can also be a blessing, as our Loved ones are truly ready, and they are going to a beautiful place to be reunited with other loved ones gone before them. I was with both of my parents at the time of their passing, and it was calm, peaceful and a blessing, surrounded by all six of my siblings. It was a comfort in realizing that they brought us into this world, and we together and lovingly saw them out of it. I miss them dreadfully but they are with me always, and in the hearts of my siblings, which is a great comfort! Sincerely, Stacey B

Luckylu, It is Sunday and I am thinking of you during this most difficult time.
You will get through this. You will miss your Mom when she dies, but you will get through that too. You will.

Do all the above--and then live a life she'd be proud of. I remember asking my sweet grandma what I could so to ever repay her for her unconditional love and she replied "Oh, sweetheart, just be happy and try to love everyone." I carry her name and feel everyday that I am not as good as should be. BUT, what an example. Love, really, is what it's all about.

My sister found a pretty hospital gown online. I have no idea where or how much it cost. We are awaiting its arrival because regular pj tops and gowns make it extremely difficult for the hospice staff to put on my non responsive mother. In addition to other suggestions, a colorful throw/blanket. Best of all, they make lightweight blankets with photos for $35/45.
We made one and gave one as a Christmas present 1 1/2 years ago. My dad has it hanging on the wall to view the pictures. Actually, if bed ridden, this blanket would be difficult to view, so perhaps a poster collage of pictures. Make them large enough to view.
Your mom may have passed by this time and my deepest sympathy