After 2 years of catering to mother at assisted living, I'm burned out & have pulled back on my visits & involvement. The problem now is, mother wants to see a specialist, (multiple ongoing visits) & I'm not willing to go with her. (Instead, I prepay her rides with a professional transport company). She claims to be "so nervous" that someone has to go with her every time. (She's already taking klonopin). I refused to go with her, explained why. The facility had a lady (on staff) go with her, but it's been 3 trips already. Now the nurse says that I should go, (likely 4 more trips), & I will not go. It's unsettling to me, cuz I feel they didn't care about my situation pertaining to my refusal. Yet I do everything reasonable that I can, & I'm standing my ground. It seems unfair to be questioned about it repeatedly though, am I expecting too much? Thank you all for sharing your experience & wisdom.
Just say "no, I can't possibly do that".
Yes, Mom had a mass in her upper stomach. We went a a specialist that ended up feeling it was a thickening of the wall caused by GERD. Mom went every 6 months for a while then I requested once a year. Just in case of change. Another was for her Thyroid. We went until her numbers were normal. After that, I got paperwork for her tests and she only went in for the usual check in that was needed to get prescription renewed. She was going to her PCP every 2 months. I asked her why? Because he told her to come back. Really? Mom was only on Cholesterol and BP meds. I went with her the nxt appt and the nurse asked why she was there again (friend of the family). I told her I didn't know but if he asked why she was there, she would only be coming back if she was sick or needed refills. He asked why she was there.
I may go once with Mom and she better let me talk to the doctor. I would want to make sure this isn't just Mom playing you. If doctor doesn't give you a good reason why Mom is there, then don't pay for the transport.
I always feel I need to explain myself but you really don't owe the staff any explanations. Mom is their resident. She pays big money to live there. Tell them you are not available for personal reasons and your sanity. I know they have residents with no family. How do they manage for them when they have doctor appts?
The exception might arise if the specialist needs to discuss a treatment decision, though. Then, if the person can't handle that alone, he or she is going to need a representative with authority and you can't expect the staff to go so far.
Not much detail for us to go on.
But.....tiger.....I sense a kindred spirit.
For all of her years, my mother only accepted people into her life if they catered to her neuroses and completely “bought” her reality. No exceptions for family.
As Mom’s only biological child, I was a lifelong pro at navigating Mom’s “soft ultimatums.” Everybody’s a little bit weird, right?? Live and let live....
Enter old age. As Mom’s needs increased, her inflexibility made it impossible for me (and others who were close) to provide productive, forward-thinking solutions.
To h*ll with POA and telling me where her important papers were and getting a diagnosis for her balance issues and looking into safer living arrangements — all Mom cared about was her strange priorities.
And all people on the outside saw was a daughter (me) who “didn’t go to her house often enough” and “never took her to church” and blah blah bla. They had no idea.
Much as I loved my mother, I had to draw the line at Shelter, Utilities, Food, Clothing. Those were needs. And they were met.
The figurative window dressing.....the “awwww” moments.....the looks-good-to-others Mother-Daughter tango..... not so much.
Hang in there, tiger. Take care of yourself.