I'm a caregiver to my only remaining parent (lost two). I feel burnt out even with him living in a community and getting help two days a week. I have my own health issues, two jobs, and feel like I've been the "parent" for more than 30 years (since I was 12). My dad only calls when he needs something. Isn't capable of a conversation other than to complain. Only cares how I'm doing because it impacts his own care (I'm sure this isn't TRUE but it's how it feels). I find myself avoiding him. And feeling guilty about it. Is this normal?
You have nothing to feel guilty about, you didn't make your dad old you didn't make him the way he is. Age happened , broken brain happened. You did cause this you have nothing to feel guilty about.
It sure sounds like you have done your share of caregiving in your life.
Don't feel guilty for avoiding him, you have done nothing wrong . Enjoy your life, shut your phone off and call him back when you want to not when he is demanding it.
Daughter of to vets? Does that mean your family is or was military, trust me that leads to even another element to there personality, and difficultness. I know this one. Welcome to are forum.
I bet you would not take each and every call.
I bet you would do exactly what you are doing...avoiding them
Your parent is in a community where he is able to get the help he needs.
Your parent is in a safe place
Maybe he needs help more than 2 days a week. Can that be arranged?
Tell your dad that you can help him on -------------and tell him what day is convenient for YOU.
Tell your dad that you can't take phone calls while you are working. Once you tell him that if he calls during your work hours let the call go to voicemail. If it is an emergency he can call 911.
You need to set BOUNDARIES and you need to tell him what those boundaries are and you need to stick to them.
This is for YOUR health.
If he can not manage day to day activities where he is with help a few days a week maybe he needs more help that he would get in an Assisted Living facility.
If he is competent, than you may need to be blunt. "Dad, I am sorry but I can't deal with your problems. I have my own. I work two jobs and I just can't come home to your complaining. Solve your problems yourself or stop complaining. " You also need to set boundaries. Tell him make a list of what he needs. You will call when you have time to get the items on the list. Can this person he has do this? If so, inform the person that they need to run errands for Dad. My nephew, disabled, has an aide once a week appts and outings are done that day. I am only involved when an appt can only be made another day.
Guilt requires causation. That is to say that guilt means that you cause something by evil intent and you, by evil intent, intend not to fix it.
You didn't cause aging for your parent.
You can't fix aging.
Your parent isn't your responsibility. Your responsibility is any minor children you have brought into this world and are caring for. Your husband who you made vows to.
You are a grownup. Honestly it comes down to whether you will continue to marinate in the past your parent created, or whether you grasp a new and better future. You may need psychological counseling in order to break free of habitual ways of acting and reacting. I highly recommend it. None of this silly online counseling; they get paid nothing and are worth less than that.
Good luck. It's your choice and up to you.
No matter HOW MUCH I did for my mother, she made sure I knew it wasn't nearly enough. How was I supposed to feel, knowing that? I was supposed to feel miserable and guilty but I didn't. I felt like she was never satisfied, even if I'd managed to put her up in the Palace of Versailles. She'd have complained the gold was tarnished. Not my problem.
In reality, I so wished for parents I felt close to. A mother I was friends with. But she made it impossible. Had we been friends, I'd have been able to see her often or even have her live with me. But the way things were, it was impossible. Due to HER ridiculous behaviors, not mine. We reap what we sow.
Don't internalize your father's issues and make them your own. Do what you can on the day you visit each week, then let it all go till the next visit.
Good luck.
If you’re not getting it time to amend your behaviour and not give as much
Boundaries is your new best friend
tell him you have another job to hrlp
neet bills so can’t answer him between x and x time
or something
find a way of switching off
and getting your own sauce/tine
mahve with time he will see your true value and reform his selfish ways
no guilt justified
you weren’t born to live someone else’s life
be the main character of your own life
and take back some of it
good luck
Chronic Stress
A defining feature of dementia caregiving is its nonstop nature. This means that stress never stops, and the hits keep on coming, 24/7.
With each stressful event, the body undergoes physiological changes as it gears up to meet the demands of the situation. After each episode, the body needs time to clear the physiological byproducts of the stress response. This recovery period, and the return to baseline, can take up to several hours.
For a dementia caregiver, however, the recovery period is all but nonexistent. The caregiver often faces a runaway situation, where the body never receives respite long enough to clear the byproducts of stress response and recover fully.
A consequence of this chronic stress is that dementia caregivers are themselves at risk. In one study, caregivers who experienced care-related strain had a 63 percent higher mortality risk than non-caregiving controls. This makes chronic stress a primary concern for dementia caregivers.
Signs of Chronic Stress
· Irritability
· Anxiety
· Withdrawal
· Depression
· Burnout
· Sleep issues
· Trouble concentrating
· Lack of attention to one’s health
Watch Out for Creeping Depression
There’s a short path from chronic stress to depression. The threat of depression should not be taken lightly. Depression is one of the most common conditions afflicting dementia caregivers and may appear at any stage of dementia progression.
What makes depression especially dangerous is the stealth with which it creeps up and engulfs its victims. Often the caregiver is not even aware of depression taking hold, until the process is well under way. By the time they realize what is happening, it’s already too late.
· Task at least one friend or family member who is in regular contact with you to watch you for signs of depression. Have them sound the alarm at the first sign of a problem developing, and when they do, heed their warning.
Signs of Depression
· Persistent sadness and anxiety
· Feelings of hopelessness and despair
· Irritability
· Feelings of guilt and worthlessness
· Loss of interest and enjoyment in everyday living
· Exhaustion and lack of energy
· Problems with concentration and sound thinking
· Sleep disturbance
· Changes in appetite and weight
· Persistent issues like headaches and digestive problems
· Thoughts of death and suicide
Maybe in your next book you'll tell the world of caregivers something all of us don't already know in spades.
Solutions and options are what tired, burned-out caregivers need.
They already know they're tired, depressed, and living miserable lives of drudgery and care slavery.
Here's one way a person can help a caregiver dealing with burnout.
Offer to babysit and elder for a few hours. Bring by a meal for a caregiver. Run an errand for them. Don't forget about them either.
Your mother like so many of out elders is the one who needs the help. So she has to accept the help on the terms it's offered on or she can go to a Long Term Care facility.
There's a fundamental difference between being a caregiver and being a careslave.
You can be a caregiver by arranging and managing homecare help for your mother. Or advocating for her if she's sent to AL or LTC.
Being a caregiver DOES NOT have to mean you have to do everything literally yourself and with your own two hands. It does not mean that and all these seniors today who think it does, are getting schooled by so many of their Gen X kids like myself.
You father has a detrimental effect on your mental health and in turn will have the same effect on your physical health. How is making a healthy choice for yourself something to guilt yourself over?
Think of your situation like this. Say you were a smoker and decided to give up cigarettes for your health. Would you guilt yourself because you don't go outside for a cigarette on your break anymore with the smokers you work with?
If you were an alcoholic who gave up the booze for your health, would you go on a self-imposed guilt trip because you're not out getting lit at the bar with your drinking buddies?
If you're like me and struggle with weight but are currently maintaining a healthy weight, would you feel guilty for the McDonald's restaurant corporation because you drive past their establishments and don't stop anymore?
My guess is you'd say 'NO' to the cigarettes, ther booze, and the parking lot Big Mac with not a moment of guilt about it. You know that all of these things are bad for your health and you're doing yourself a favor staying away from them.
So why the guilt about avoiding something or someone negatively and harmfully effecting your mental health? Your mental health is just as important as your physical health.
If you aren't going to cut your father out of your life completely, you should start going 'Grey Rock' with him. This means limiting how much you talk with and interact with him. You limit conversation to neutral topics and you answer questions in basic 'yes' or 'no' answers. When the complaining and demands start up you end the call or the visit immediately. This is how I have to interact with my mother. If I didn't do it this way, I would not be able to have any relationship with her.
And guess what? I don't have a moment of guilt about it. Not a single second. She tries with the guilt-tripping and the gaslighting and that's when a call or visit ends. I don't tolerate that complaining, making demands, or misery-spreading and neither should you.
Look up the 'Grey Rock' method and give it a try. It works. Good luck.
I think many of us have some sort of dysfunctional or at least complicated relationships with family members. As far as I'm concerned, any dysfunction is the parent's doing, not the child. If the parent created a distant or uncomfortable relationship, it is not your job to fix it, or to cater to their needs.
While I recognize that there are many people who have a very close and loving relationship with a parent, and truly want to be by their side and do everything to help as their parent's health declines, that is not everyone's scenario.
My parents (my mother has already passed years ago) were very self-involved, egotistical, maybe a little narcissistic, though not dysfunctionally so, and never created a close relationship with me, never tried to get to know me, and now, my dad, as he's getting old, wants to have my attention. That's fine. I don't mind giving him a little of my time, but I have set boundaries and do not let him intrude into my life more than I am comfortable with. I think that is the way everyone will tell you to deal with an uncomfortable parent relationship. Set boundaries and don't feel guilty about protecting your own emotional well-being.
You are important, too! I mean, don't be a jerk, but you do have the right to protect yourself and not be bullied by family and friends' expectations about what you are supposed to do and feel.
From what you describe, it is your father who should feel guilty! For burdening you with his own needs. You can't do enough to make a needy person feel that their needs have been met. Start taking care of YOU for a change, and don't feel guilty about it!