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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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Guilt belongs to those who knowingly do evil to others. If you did not do that you may want to investigate words you used and semantics. You may need to explore what you really feel, because you do not feel guilty. And words matter. They form a path in our brains that we habitually travel on though they go nowhere and do not allow us to progress. Consider getting some help and guidance from someone who gives counseling on life changes; licensed social workers are often very good at this. Some words to explore. "Normal human inadequacies", "grief over limitations". "Pain at what my elder had to endure". "Helplessness in the face of human limitations". "Heartbreak at what we all had to endure". Life changes are worth mourning. "Guilt" holds us back from progressing lovingly through the mourning process. You are way ahead of the game. You already recognize that you did the best you can at the time with the tools you had. You have posted this under the correct headings. Care decisions. They must be made. End of life. It will come. Grief. You are mourning. I don't even know what the word "guilt" has to do with forum choices myself. Guilt belongs on a forum for felons.
Probably not, at least in my experience. No one can know everything there is to know about caregiving, and a lot is learned over time. If someone holds him or herself to high standards, there easily can be recrimination about not doing more even though we didn't realize at the time it was possible.
It's made more difficult b/c we're dealing with our family or friends' lives, not something that can be redone.
I doubt that I will ever feel I did as much as I could, in part b/c now I know so much more about caregiving. But it's also critical to remember that each of us is just one person and can only do so much, and that the societal and system supports financially and otherwise aren't as available as they should be. That's a major deficit of care in the US.
I think we all have some guilt. Oh boy could I be made to feel guilty when I was young. Not so much now I am 70. Caring for Mom I sort of hardened to the situation. There were things I could have done differently but I was the only one who was willing or could do it. It was me or nobody. TG Mom probably didn't realize when I got impatient or forgot. Guilt, yes, do I dwell on it, no. Caring for a LO is like raising children, there was no previous training. We learn as we go. What I learned is I don't have the patience needed and I overwhelm easily.
So it comes down to I refuse to feel guilty. I did my best.
Thank you everyone for your kindness. The wisdom/grace in your responses allowed me rest from the weariness of overthinking what I should/could have done better. Being down the road from that heartbreaking time, I understand the actions I took were intended with kindness. But, there were days I was simply "bone tired", not an ounce of physical strength left. There were just simply things I could not fix...as dementia progresses, life becomes horrid for all involved. Those times brought me to my knees. And even though I might not have uttered the negativity I was thinking, I did think it. I pray for forgiveness, I pray for all who are caregiving. Again, thank you for understanding.
Kathryn54, I don't know your situation, but, it sounds like you are very conscientious about caregiving. Your profile says your mother. I think that most caregivers do the best they can. I'm not sure why you would feel guilty, but, apparently, you may have expectations that are very high. For me, I try to look at what is reasonable. And, I really try to be fair about my intent, desire, input, and work. When I do all I can and use my best judgment, then, I think that's what is right. I have faith that it's good enough. If I made a decision that I later second guess, I consider how much I did it in good faith and I don't blame myself for it. I hold myself to a high standard, but, not an unrealistic standard. I've done a lot that's right and that gives me peace. I hope you can find a way to feel better.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Some words to explore. "Normal human inadequacies", "grief over limitations". "Pain at what my elder had to endure". "Helplessness in the face of human limitations". "Heartbreak at what we all had to endure".
Life changes are worth mourning. "Guilt" holds us back from progressing lovingly through the mourning process.
You are way ahead of the game. You already recognize that you did the best you can at the time with the tools you had.
You have posted this under the correct headings. Care decisions. They must be made. End of life. It will come. Grief. You are mourning. I don't even know what the word "guilt" has to do with forum choices myself. Guilt belongs on a forum for felons.
It's made more difficult b/c we're dealing with our family or friends' lives, not something that can be redone.
I doubt that I will ever feel I did as much as I could, in part b/c now I know so much more about caregiving. But it's also critical to remember that each of us is just one person and can only do so much, and that the societal and system supports financially and otherwise aren't as available as they should be. That's a major deficit of care in the US.
Guilt, yes, do I dwell on it, no. Caring for a LO is like raising children, there was no previous training. We learn as we go. What I learned is I don't have the patience needed and I overwhelm easily.
So it comes down to I refuse to feel guilty. I did my best.
Again, thank you for understanding.