I am so anxious I can’t sleep. For the first time I will be taking my mom out of the house for respite for two weeks. She is going to freak out. How do I do this so that she is not so upset.
As a recap she has Alzheimer’s and doesn't understand anything I say so telling her this is needed for my sanity and marriage would be pointless. She thinks she doesn't need anybody even though she can’t do anything on her own - even to make herself a coffee!! Help - what do I say or do to make this easier on both of us
One piece of advice I often see on these forums is to tell white lies if it saves your sanity and your marriage. So can you tell your mom that you need to visit a friend who is sick and you don't want mom to be sick ? Or something else your mom can understand. How about plumbing is broken in your house and needs to be fixed and everyone has to clear out?
Good luck.
Mum has no dementia but is starting to be confused and forget more and more often.
Doctor says we all need a holiday. That's all. Only IF she asks where she will go, tell her a hotel.
On the day of the transfer, let's get in the car. Going somewhere new today. I'm sure the people will be nice..
Here is the hotel. Show her her room. Be upbeat. Hug goodbye with a Have a lovely time!
IF she asks, tell her you will be in a different hotel & will see her afterwards. If your face shows worry, she may pick it up & get confused or fearful (or worse). Look positive.
(You can cry in your car on your own later 😞). The 1st time will be the hardest.
I so told her "doctor said you must drink 2 litres of water" otherwise she will have to come and use a drip ... ".
As for the reason why she will go there, whatever fib works best. You know your mom best, so go with something she would "buy", whether it is one of the suggestions posted or something else that might work for her.
My mother refused to let aides into her place so we had to move her. She refused to consider moving anywhere, but especially not AL, although that had been in her own plans prior to dementia. I had suggested brother mess with the thermostat he installed (NEST), which he could monitor and adjust via WiFi. It was winter, so make it colder, then too hot, etc and tell her the heating system was failing* and she'd have to stay elsewhere while it was fixed. Instead, he went with a medical excuse. She managed to bruise her leg and develop cellulitis just before the move. He wrote a phony letter from 'Elder Services' at the hospital that treated her. In it, "they" said she either moves to a place we chose or they would place her. She was madder than a wet hen, but reluctantly went with my brothers (I did everything else, but stayed out of the actual move.)
So, if you can think of something that she might believe, go with that. Try not to over-stress yourself worrying about what might happen when you take her there. There's no way to really know or make it better. Those at the respite center do this and will know how to handle it. You might ask her doctor if she could take a very low dose of anti-anxiety meds, which might help (I would start them before the move, to see how it goes.) After you drop her, try to focus on your "time off." The benefit you get from the break won't happen if you just worry the whole time! She'll be in good hands. ENJOY THAT TIME OFF!!!
(*funny thing is the heating system actually DID die, several months later. thankful that it wasn't winter anymore, so it wouldn't cause problems.)
For subsequent visits I told it like it was. I told him my husband was a great guy, supporting me while I cared for Dad, and I needed to take a little time with him. Dad actually seemed to get it and felt like he was doing something good.
Dad was in a wheelchair with dementia and each visit he was less "there" so he worried less.
The real struggle is managing your own mind. You have to be able to trust the respite facility and trust them to do their jobs. No one will care for your LO like you will. As long as they're safe and fed for the two weeks, you are doing the best you can for all concerned.
For the first stay, I did yield a little by dropping by once a week for a brief walk and talk for his benefit and also to make sure he actually was coping/being well cared for - it put my mind at ease and also reassured my dad that he wasn't being abandoned.
Of course he was looked after perfectly well and seemed content with all the pampering.
See All Answers