When my brothers or I tell her that he's passed away (which we don't always do...sometimes we just let it go), she gets angry at us that we had the viewing, funeral and reception without her and didn't tell her that he died. She was present at everything. There is no sadness on her part - just anger than we supposedly left her out of everything. She also thinks that the same has happened with her mother, father and brother. How do I deal with this? It's sad for us to have to tell her repeatedly that Dad is gone. Sometimes, if I go along with her delusion that he is still alive (and living elsewhere, according to her), then she catches me in my "lie", later, and says, "But you said that he was at your house", etc., when really I had just gone along with her to avoid an argument, getting her upset, etc. It's horrible. This is just one of many issues/problems that are ongoing with her.
Why is it important for her to know that her husband died in June? If she asks about him a suitable reply is something along the lines of "he couldn't come visit today, but you know he loves you very much." Same with her mother, father, and brother. She does not remember that they died. She does not remember their funerals, etc. If you say that happened, well then obviously you are either lying or people kept these important events from her. Naturally she is upset!
If you suddenly lost the brain cells that contained the memories around the time of your father's death and you absolutely had no memory of his last days or the final service or the condolence cards from friends, and then someone insisted that your father was dead, how would you feel? How would you react?
I think it helps to understand that the reactions you are seeing are caused by the disease -- by the pathology in her brain -- and not a true reflection of your mother's personality.
Dementia is very, very sad. It was sad to lose your father this year, and now you are losing your mother, one memory at a time. My heart goes out to you.
• You know dad he is always busy working to provide for us. Let’s prepare for lunch.
• Dad is probably off to one of his social meetings/gathering/church functions
• Today is the day he plays golf, or drinks coffee with the boys his friends
• Daddy is out helping uncle job do some yard work, fixing his car etc
Sometimes it’s difficult to think of something right away so having a prepared list takes the thinking part of the response away. Also you only need 3 or 4 replies they are new to our love ones each time we say them.
Personally, I see no point in repeating over and over that these people she loved are dead. If she believed they were dead she wouldn't be asking you where they are. She believes they are alive. I'd go along with that belief myself.
You might say, "hmm, it is 4:00 on a Wednesday afternoon. Where do you think Gramma (or whomever she has asked about) might be?" or you could say "I haven't talked to them in a while. I don't know where they are right now."
In other words, I'd lie.
I don't know if there is a "right" answer to this question, but I hope that you and your brothers can agree upon an approach and be consistent.