My mother reduced her sitter to tears today telling her to tell me (her daughter) that I could lick the sitter's @ss. She's also still praying out loud for something bad to happen to me and my husband. Paid the sitter for the week and told her that she could go on home for the day and we'd play it by ear the rest of the week. My previous post explains how she is refusing her medicine for her dementia. Going on 4 days straight. Finally took her thyroid medicine this morning with lots of coaxing but no BP or dementia meds. She's out of control, hitting one of the aides with the remote to her lift chair. Don't think she really physically hurt her though. Hospice is in and out mostly dealing with her behaviors now since she recovered from the UTI she had last week. Need advice, validation I guess, that I'm doing the right thing to leave my mother without a sitter in the NH. She's had one for the 2 years she's been there. The nurse at the NH has assured us they'll keep close check on her and I'm only 5 mins away so I can pop in most anytime. Can't visit my mother though. She verbally attacks me as soon as I walk in the door. This is a nightmare for me, the only child. My mother has always had a strong, stubborn sometimes controlling personality and I tell everyone this is her personality on steroids. I just don't know what else to do. Seeing a therapist as needed but she's an hour away and can't go anytime I want. Thank you in advance for any thoughts, encouragement, even stern words of advice.
So I feel your pain, my friend. If you can't tolerate your mom's behavior, don't go in for a visit. Remember that this is not your REAL mother you're seeing now but the victim of a disease that has robbed her real mind and replaced it with one that doesn't work properly. Don't take things personally, but don't stay around to get verbally attacked, either. I don't think it's wrong to have the sitter stay away.......the NH will look after your mom as they said they would.
Just to throw ONE thing out there.......did the doc check to make 100% certain her UTI was fully cleared up? Sometimes, the UTIs either don't fully clear up or they come back. Sometimes, the antibiotic has to be changed and another round has to be administered. Just on the off chance that's what's contributing to this agitated behavior.
Best of luck!
Although I kept an eye on my father and communicated with the staff a couple of times a week to daily as his physical health failed, I limited my visits with my father to once a week for no more than 2 hours. If Dad started in on a rant, I told my father it wasn't good for him to get so riled up and I would see him next week as I walked out the door. The MC had cameras so I could observe Dad without him knowing I was there when he was having problems.
Is there anyway you can bribe your mother with goodies? Cookies or candy? Ice cream sunday or milk shake? I also took Dad a eatable treat when I did visit and he usually behaved himself at least until he had consumed it.
Remember dementia is not your mother's fault or yours either. She is safe and receiving as much care as she will allow. She neither needs or appreciates your visits, so there is no need to present yourself as a target for her disease's rants.
This is what they did with Mom. I was also told, the elderly process meds slower than younger people do. Meaning, they stay in the body for longer. There comes a time trying to slow the Dementia process with Meds no longer work. The only meds I would worry about would be those for anxiety. It not fair for her or staff to have anxiety 24/7.
I don't see why Mom needs a sitter if she no longer enjoys or abuses her. A UTI symptoms can continue days after the UTI clears up. And can also come back. At this point, I would go with the Nurse. She says they will check on Mom. You don't have to see Mom. She is in a safe place being cared for.
I don't think she even wants to see me or the sitter at this point.
So painful to try and visit her so thinking I'll just have to go even less now.
BTY...I could write a book too, just about the last 13 years with my mother.
Again, I'm so sorry that you are going through this torture.
((((((hugs)))))))
The 'not best loved' doesn't hang around for the abuse.
Throw dementia in the mix and you just can't win.
I'm a trigger for my mother so I simply cannot see her. She triggers me and I trigger her. It's a no win.
Yet I keep trying--it's been 4 months since I spoke to her, 7 since I saw her. I'm debating whether or not to make this permanent.
Theras--is it mandatory that your mom have a sitter while she's in a NH? She's just too much to take? My heart breaks for you. I can step out of the ring and there's 4 sibs who can step in.
And everything is harder over the holidays isn't it??
Hugs to you---your mom sounds like a harridan!
In Thera's case, it may be that any closer therapists were tried but were not particularly helpful.
The anxiety meds, on the other hand, would make what life I have left much more pleasant. To me, those would be my preferred drugs if I have Alzheimer's.
If hospice is involved, have they talked to you about comfort measures only? Our hospice is so gentle talking about the end of life. They have done a great job managing mthr's problems with antipsychotic meds. Even though she can barely do anything, these drugs keep her from fighting about simple things, like being fed or changing diapers. They are wonderful.
From your description, it sounds like your mom needs her meds adjusted.
You are doing the best you can in what sounds like an untenable situation.
Good on you for seeing a therapist.
My heart goes out to you, I wish you well.
R27
Adjusting anti anxiety medication may help.
But there comes a time when safety is more important.
If you, your family or the caregivers are not safe it may be time to consider placing her in Memory Care.
If she is not safe it might be time to consider placing her in Memory Care.
This is not a "failure" it is the disease and the progression of the disease.
Sending serene thoughts your way...
Remember. Put your oxygen mask on first.
Thyroid meds are a big deal. I didnt think so until I started reading up on the stuff. What a nightmare... Throid is a big deal.
You are close by... Take comfort in that. You can still drop in, talk to the front desk or head nurse... Bring treats for everyone. doesn't hurt and they may like it. Cookies, a pie, a bag of random candies. Pumpkin pie ,,,, etc.. you know what looks good to you, so you buy it and let someone else eat the calories...Don't Judge Me. It Works! I buy it, drive it around to its final destination, and drop it off. Sneak a bite of it, wash the fork, and be gone :_) It's perfect. :)
UTI's and THYROID issues...WHO KNEW!!!!
Our Hospice or the stand in nurse for ma's last night was disturbing... Other hospice places had IV Morphine on hand... NO,,,,, not my mom..... The nurse on duty SHOWED ME HOW TO crush the morphine pill and swipe it all around the inside of my mom's mouth... "every hour".. She did not tell me about the ATIVAN in the same ER pack that hospice left in the refrigerator for this scenario....) I am supposing,for this scenario) Deep breath... it was not fun.. it was not peaceful, until my "angel" came down, and found the ativan, cleaned mom up, posistioned her correctly so body fluid would drain efficiently out of her body, and the ativan kicked in and she relaxed. Then it was peaceful....
WHEN YOU SIGN THAT DNR FORM :;; COMFORT MEASURES ONLY... Can that mean, you get the morphine&ativan IV drip? It just looked more peaceful.. Yes I have seen both personally....I was closest to mom... and it was rough going.... Then again, is anybody leaving this Earth Easy Going? I don't know.....Most of us, left here on Earth will say NO//// Because we are too close and we will remember..........
It's incredibly hard to see someone you love with Alzheimer's.
God bless you!!
Maybe they can hide her meds in some pudding or jelly or ice cream.
But lol on all the “it’s not her it’s the illness “ claims , of course the disease has some play on the matter but it IS her( in my mother’s case) . It seems from so many posts on here, we have dealt with personality disorders our parents had displayed but since they were less helpless, some could set boundaries that allowed us to cope with their behavior. Or some just never “got” their parents were actually not nice people, they were cruel or sociopaths or narcissistic. Now we are stuck since they are ill BUT they still are responsible for their behavior and we don’t need to accept abuse.
Excellent You Tube videos , “ surviving narcissism” by Dr Les Carter. It’s never to late to start dealing with reality lol
Sitters do not change patients..all they do is sit and watch. Nursing home staff is often busy with a whole hall full of patients and they all need changing and fed or medicated.