My family is in quite a dilemma as to whether or not my father should return to the country where both him and his wife were born. He is 95 years old, suffers from dementia and lives with his 85 year old wife of 48 years also suffering with dementia. The relationship between his wife, my sister and I has never been good and has caused a terrible strain with all of us.....that's actually putting it mildly.
We totally want her to go back and be cared for by her daughter as she won't be looked after by us but they also want my Dad to go back as well. They have promised him everything and making it look like the grass will be so much greener if he goes back. They will live with her family and they've promised should anything happen to her they will take care of him for the rest of his life. They have arranged everything including health coverage, easy access in their house, etc.
They should never have made these promises to him because no one knows what's going to happen in the future. Second he will more than likely never see most of his family again and knowing this is just tearing us apart.
We are very angry that they discussed this with them before consulting the rest of the family here and the fact that they have waited until this late stage of his life to do this. They should have done it years ago when they were still of sound mind.
If he goes he's going to be unhappy leaving his family and if he stays he's going to be unhappy leaving his wife. My mind is in turmoil as to what to do, one day I’m saying for him to go and then next I’m saying he should stay.
Right now they live in AL but we do have their names on for long term care at which time they will most probably be separated anyway.
Do I want to deal with the fall out should we split them up or do I let him go knowing it will more than likely be the last time we see him?
I'm so angry that they have put us in this position and will never forgive them for doing so.
I might add that I think they're crazy attempting to take care of 2 elderly people both with dementia and they don't realize what they're taking on. Unfortunately he will not be able to return once he goes as his name will be taken off of any waiting list for care and he wouldn't be able to return to AL because he could no longer afford it without their combined income. I couldn't take care of him as I am looking after my husband who also is starting this horrible journey with dementia and I know how difficult it's going to be with just caring for him.
Even though I have POA for him I know that I cannot legally force him to do something he doesn't want to do unless I have him deemed incapable of making decisions. I don't want to go that route as forcing him to do something that he doesn't want to do will only make things worse after.
With regards to your father, is it possible for one of you to fly there first and check out 'home' situation? You go to the facility, the clinic, etc... Then you go back home, and have a heart-to-heart talk to your father and his wife. Ask leading questions to see what it is that they 'comprehend'. Then go from there.
If you have not had a thorough comprehensive assessment of his cognitive status, done by a professional psychologist or psychiatrist trained in the evaluation of geriatric clients, the time is now.
You may find this very helpful as a tool for considering making the best of all terrible choices concerning your father’s future, At the very least, it will serve as a baseline for considering his potential for decision making as you move forward.
As hard as it is, you and your sister also must consider his situation as objectively as you possibly can. Unfortunately I am dealing at present with something quite similar, and the stress on me, as a POA, is unbelievable unless one is personally enmeshed in such a situation.
As difficult as it would be, I think you must at least consider assuming legal guardianship, especially since you don’t seem to have a full and accurate picture of what his life in his home country would be.
Whatever you ultimately decide as to how you will continue, arm yourself with as much specific diagnostic material about his mental condition as you can possibly acquire.
If a PROFESSIONAL has previously described your father as having dementia, that designation inherently IMPLIES difficulty with decision making, and since you indicate that he acknowledges being aware at some level that his present situation is in some respects a “lose-lose” for him, you and your sister MUST make
the best of all terrible and unfair decisions regarding his lifestyle. That’s what confronts all of us who care for and dearly love someone who has dementia. We can only HOPE that they made many joyful, self-affirming choices for THEMSELVES during the lives that they lived independently, and that their choices of us as POA allow us to serve them as the decision makers they can no longer be.
I think that thought many times a day. The LO for whom I care saw me lovingly address the needs of my wonderful, stubborn, dependent/independent mother for 10+ years, and participated herself in my mom’s care. She then chose me as a POA who I think I can fairly assume would faithfully carry out her care needs.
I STILL lose sleep about doing what needs to be done for her, and she vacillates between being relatively comfortable/relatively anxious in her very good AL, but
backed by a good quality psychiatric exam combined with the love and respect I feel for her, I do feel empowered to make the impossible, “no good solution” solutions for her.
I hope for you and your sister that you will be able to find a similar place for yourselves. I see a therapist, pray, and visit my LO often. This also helps.
Sending positive thoughts to you.
It is a great honor and responsibility.
The first ability my father father lost was executive reasoning and problem solving. Not memory, not daily living skills.
He needed someone else else to make those decisions for him even though he did not see that. I am glad he trusted me enough to work our way through the year long process in getting him somewhere where he was safe, and cared for.
I hope he's feeling a lot better after the transfusion, and I expect he will do, at least for the immediate present. From there, goodness, it's anybody's guess isn't it?
Here we are in your corner, anyway. Thanks for the update, hugs.
They may not have any hidden agenda other than caring for their mother and the man she loves. Givingup1 states that separation is in the couple's future if they stay here. He or she also points out that when in complete control of his decisions, her father chose Givingup1 to make these decisions for him. So I'm sure Givingup will make the best decision for him. But I wouldn't completely discount letting the mother's family care for them. In my sister's husband's family everyone has help. Maids, gardeners, nannies. It's not as expensive as it is here to get full time care in the home.
You really are between a rock and a hard place, and I cannot see any cranny for you to wriggle out of it.
But you know what? Your Dad made his bed 38 years ago, has lain on it happily and at this point - it's not a question, for once, of whether it's better for him to stay with you or go with them, not because it isn't important but because it's literally impossible to know.
So the question, then, is: do you really need this utterly thankless task?
I doubt they will let any harm come to him beyond what is going to be inevitable in any case through the one trauma - moving - or the other trauma - separating from his wife.
I should let him go. With your blessing. And the best of British luck to them.
If she'd identified a better, earlier time to discuss it with you, would that have made it easier on you?
But what it does leave is the fact that she's pinched your Dad. Again. Well, dam'!
I'm not too concerned about the care he will get from them as I know they won't let him come to any harm but I tend to look at the "what ifs" and worry about what will happen should they not be able to manage him or if something were to happen to them, where would that leave him? I know we can't predict the future and I shouldn't surround myself with the unknown. There has been much hurt from my father over the years and my sister and I have always both stuck it out but this just seems like the final "kick in the gut" so to speak, where he's putting others first, as he's always done, even though he's not really of sound mind. I know she's his wife, unfortunately, but I can honestly say they have never had a blissful marriage right from the beginning (his words plus many more to me over the years)
Yes she's done it again and there's not a whole lot I can do.
There are no options available here. Dad will refuse to stay in Canada alone and you have already stated you already have a husband to care for. Stepmom will not want to leave without him (after all she too has chosen to stay in the marriage) so if they stay you face the future with three demented elders in your care. Things will not stay the same. Shortly they will not be able to live independently so one or both will need more care. They will not necessarily be separated at that point. Many couples share a room if they want.
Healthcare in the UK is much complained about but I doubt the complaints are very different in Canada or the US so that would not be at the top of my worry list.
Stepmom's family has already demonstrated they are willing to make adaptions to their home and have actually done. No empty promises there.
Presumably they also have the funds to afford a property large enough to comfortably make these changes and will the able to support Dad and SM.
I do not know how pension and healthcare rights transfer from Canada but they do from the US as far as pensions are concerned.
Do you think the family can afford sufficient help to provide decent care when the parents need more skilled nursing care or institutionalization?
Dad may in fact be very happy returning to his country of birth as probably will SM but only time will tell.
I agree things could have been handled differently and it would have been nice if your family had been part of the decision making but you weren't so try and make it a pleasant transfer for the pair.
Come again? They're thinking of moving an elderly couple with dementia into a family home following international relocation?
Good luck with that...
When did they last come to see their mother?
I understand you might not want to go into too much detail, but it would help to know what sort of country the home country is and what the logistics both of moving the couple and of ?visiting later on would be.
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