Should I not tell my sister when my mom dies, per her wishes?

Given your sisters history I would say wait to tell her until after your mom is buried - per her wishes. Then get her estate or lack thereof in order. Then let her know via western union. Then do not give in to her calls and texts or emails which you know will be coming.

I think your plan is absolutely correct. This is what you mom had clearly wanted. Just be ready for crazy crap from sis when she gets your note. But it sounds like you can handle it. Good luck to you.

Do exactly what your mother wants. At some point, you will have to tell sister. Or not. If she's that self involved, she may never ask and you may not have to say anything.

Hoping she isn't left anything in the will. Sounds like she did a "pre-disposition" of mom's things, via theft. I had a brother do that. Ugh. We didn't tell him when daddy passed, as per daddy's wishes. I don't know how long it took for him to find out.

Be tough. Bless you, for what you endure. Families are so awful, sometimes.

You should do exactly as your mother wishes and be sure to keep your sister out of all goings-on as long as possible. Be grateful your mom sees things as they are and isn't bamboozled by your sister. My sister is a sociopath and has used and mistreated my mother all of her life but my mother thinks sister is an angel. My sister is someone you protect yourself from but mom has never been willing to see the truth.

Wow, reading this makes me realize that I'm not alone! Even Davina's post is pretty much my family. My sister is a sociopath, too, but my parents think she can do no wrong. My family is all drama, and (I know this sounds sick) but funerals are where they really "shine"! They looove to create drama at funerals, they love to go to funerals, and they always make a scene.  My mother even takes pictures of the body in the casket, and then shows them to people later.  No, I'm not kidding about that.

So, that said - I agree with everyone else. Do exactly what your mother wants. You don't have to tell your sister a thing, and I would even wait until you have all of her affairs in order, before telling anyone who might inform your sister. (We call those well-meaning people "flying monkeys", by the way.)

For what it's worth, I have told my husband, and even a couple of close friends, that my parents and sister are NOT to be informed if I die suddenly, and certainly not informed even if I'm in the hospital for some reason. I don't have that in writing, but maybe I should, come to think of it. But my husband knows and understands. If I die suddenly, God forbid, the LAST thing I want him to have to deal with is my family. There are consequences to acting crazy, and this is one of them.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this, Christine, but bless you for taking such good care of your mother! And please do try to take care of yourself in the meantime, you're important, too! ::hugs::

If your Mom's wishes were not to tell her, then don't tell her.
Don't tell her ever.
You could wait until your sister asks, then after Mom is gone, you decide.
Will you be saying those were Mom's wishes, that you not tell her?
Will someone else in the family be telling your sister?

It is perfectly understandable that you would not want sister at the services.
You will make the right decision when the time comes.

So sorry that there is a rift in your family, and that your Mom is ill.

Thanks everyone, for your helpful responses. I half expected to be hammered for even thinking of not telling her.

LOVED "there are consequences to acting crazy, and this is one of them."

Sendhelp, what a good idea to NEVER tell her. She has never asked, and probably never will. Thank you for that. My extended family, which consists of my mom's brothers and sisters, are really not in touch with her. She wasn't invited to our recent family reunion, wasn't informed when our cousin died last fall, etc., so I don't think anyone will tell her (I hope). They're not too happy with the way she treated my mom.

Here's a story: I got married 4 years ago. My mom was still living at home in NY, the state where I also live. I had made arrangements for my mom to go home with my aunt in South Carolina for my honeymoon week so she wouldn't be alone and would have help with her meds, etc. while I honeymooned in Florida.

My mom didn't do too well with the change of scenery. She ran into the street, tried to catch a subway home to NY, even though there were none down there, she no longer recognized her sister, etc. My aunt couldn't handle it and had to call the cops. Second day of my honeymoon, she called me to come get my mother. She told me the situation. Well, I threw my bags into our rental car so fast it would make your head spin. Hubby and I drove all night to get to my mom, and we were happy to do it.

When we were driving my mom back home to NY, we got a call from my other aunt. She told me they had called my sister in Virginia first, and she had refused to come. I was furious and called my sister. She defended herself by saying "I have to take a state exam next Friday." (Meaning for her real estate license.) I countered, "I left my honeymoon!" to which she replied, "Oh, so now it's my fault?"

The happy ending of this story for me is that on the drive back, I had one last cross-country fun trip with my mom, before things became all about "her care." When we entered West Virginia, I played John Denver's "Country Roads" on my ipod and we all laughed and sang. We enjoyed ourselves together. That would be one of the last "good times" we had and I'm grateful for it.

"When we entered West Virginia, I played John Denver's "Country Roads" on my ipod and we all laughed and sang. We enjoyed ourselves together. That would be one of the last "good times" we had and I'm grateful for it."

Aw, that's a sweet story! Those are the things you hang onto.

Sounds like borderline personality disorder (your sister). I have a half brother who behaves similarly... I'd suggest you do what makes YOU comfortable and what you can live with. 10 years taking care of your mother has earned you that right. People who criticize you for it with Hallmark images of family they've seen on TV commercials have no idea what it's like dealing with a close family member with a personality disorder.

Call your local NAMI group if you need support - they've some great ones for people affected by other people's mental illnesses.

A person's obituary will come up if they are dead an you internet-search their name. Your sister can find out that way; you don't have to tell her.

You are not under any obligation to give your sister information.
Your mother has expressed her wishes clearly and consistently.
You plan, in any case, once the cremation and memorial service are safely out of the way, to behave civilly and give your sister an opportunity to pay her respects - ! - if she wishes to.

The situation is far from ideal, but your handling of it is. Or I think so, anyway.

Honor your mother's wishes. When everything is done and over with then write your sister a letter letting her know and the reasons why.

I am considered the "crazy" sister because I do not operate the way my family operates. I am not interested in drinking all night and partying. I attend church and have a relationship with Jesus. The problem I have is my parents want ME to be in charge of their affairs because they said, "We know you will do the right thing." I do not want to be in charge of their affairs because I won't deal with the other siblings ( 4 of them ) who criticize and will want me to do things their way. I have asked my parents to visit me at my home but they won't because they cannot put their alcohol down to have dinner. I have told my parents to spend their money on what they want to do and their own care, as I do not want their money. The other siblings are so angry because they want money. I have told my parents I do not want to have to deal with that. I will not be in charge of their care because the siblings will want me to take care of them in our home to save money for the will. My question to them is, "What gives you the idea that your parents owe you an inheritance?" Do what you feel your heart is leading you to do, regardless of your mother's wishes. I will not follow my parents wishes as it will be emotionally damaging to me and my family. You have to take care of you because you have to live with the decision the rest of your life. By the way, when I got married for the second time to my husband, NO ONE from my family was invited because we did not want the drama.........

I would follow Moms wishes.
Let your sister know Mom has passed and where she is buried
in about 6 months to a year after.
You have the paperwork to do as your Mom wants.
So be it.
Sad some family members are like that.
Listen you to your mother she know best.

Good luck with your sister

All good answers, but remember this; You can pick you nose and you can pick you friends, but you cannot pick your relatives. Do what your heart tells you is best. In this case if it were me, I would honor mom's wishes.

After she passes, I think you should let sister know.

I also had last wishes from my Mom that I knew would cause emotional harm to my brother. I did not do it to him.   And Mom was totally justified in her choice.....but, leaving me to do it was wrong,

It is totally unfair that you should be left to implement this unfair policy. Let your Mom send a letter to her explaining that she doesn't want her to know when she passes and why. But...you should not be in the position of feeling that you have to cause anyone anguish.

Honor your mother's last wishes. Listen to her last thoughts. Give her last good-bye a good one, not filled with 'drama' -- she has asked for little, give it to her in the end. This is what I would do. Then afterwards, after the funeral. I would inform your sister of your mother's passing and her last wishes. It may be hurtful, but sometimes, people need to feel 'hurt' in order to grow and learn. Your mother wanted a peaceful passing, give it to her.

I am in similar situation. You will eventually need to notify her, to give her the 120 days required by law to contest will, etc. I would wait until the services are over and you secure your mothers assets so sis doesn't "take" them. Like I said, I am experiencing similar with my mother passing 6 months ago. Good luck to you.

I am in the minority here... I think it's cruel NOT to tell your sister when your mother passes. Your mom might be perfectly justified in this decision, even though it's cruel and vindictive. It is her responsibility to implement this horrible decision, not yours. In psychology, when one family member uses another to do one's dirty work it's called Triangulation. It is a form of very bad behavior--on the part of the person wanting to do dirt. This tactic is designed to make you look bad in the eyes of your sister and to cause a permanent rift. Based on what you said, your mother's and sister's behavior, I'd bet your family of origin is pretty dysfunctional.

What is the consequence of following your mother's instructions? You can guarantee that your sister will be *very, very angry* when she finds out what you did. You can guarantee that she will want absolutely nothing to do with you--you will be completely dead to her. She would be perfectly right to feel this way. She will tell her friends that you're a mean, vindictive b*tch for doing this.You can also bet that she will tell her friends, who will tell their friends (because it's shockingly bad behavior) and your reputation *will* be damaged. (How do I know: Both my mother and brother spread malicious gossip about me. It spread and my friends all heard it. It spread far and wide, to warn people not to have anything to do with either my mother or brother. My reputation got rehabilitated at their expense, thank God for that.)

The best thing to do: tell your sister when your mother dies. Remember that funerals / memorial services are to benefit the living, not the dead. Give her an opportunity to attend the funeral (if there is one) and burial / cremation. If she wants to go to the funeral, I would delay having it so that she can attend. If she chooses to attend, be on your absolute best behavior. If she wants to give your mother an eulogy, let her. Should she behave badly at the funeral or reception, while at the event, act as if it never happened. That way, should she behave badly, everyone will know what kind of person she is--and people are more likely to treat you sympathetically.

In my situation, people remember how badly my brother behaved and that I was not allowed to give a eulogy. I was able to, informally, talk to my father's friends and neighbors and give my eulogy. They found it to be moving. They had not realized how much good work my father did (since you are reading this web site, you and your loved ones have directly benefitted from my father's work), but because he was an engineer, never got public recognition for it. People do remember that my brother embarrassed himself at the funeral.

Hope that helps. I appreciate that you are in a difficult situation. There is no absolutely, positively right answer to your question. If you are planning *not* to tell your sister, I recommend that you talk to someone *you* trust, who is familiar with what's going on in your family. If you are a member of a religious organization, I would *strongly* recommend that you get pastoral care. I would also recommend that you have a few sessions with a social worker who is an elder care coordinator or a family therapist. You're in an unusual situation and you would benefit from consulting either a good pastor or a social worker with appropriate knowledge and experience.

I agree with honoring your mother's wishes. If your sister resurfaces at some time after your mother passes, then I would refer her to your mother's attorney, and if necessary, get a restraining order. You've done everything that you can to help your mother, and giver her a good life. There's no need to allow your sister's abuse to continue after your mother passes. For right now, I'd block her number.

Honor your mother's wishes. Your mother recognized that your sister is a toxic person. IMO, toxic people should not be allowed around good people.

You know that your sister abused your mother! You know that your sister will make a show if invited to the memorial. Do as your mother asked, cherish the memories you made with your mother and forget about your sister.

My father is a toxic person and I cut him out of my life after he made my wedding day all about him. I did not want to invite him to my wedding but my husband and MIL insisted I "do the right thing." Well, my father tarnished my memories of that day. I wish I could go back and fix that one decision and not invite a toxic person to my wedding. I can't, but what I can do, and what I have done, is stopped communicating with my father, who doesn't even know that my MIL died.

Unless she is not in the will/trust, she must be notified of your Mother's death if anything is to go to her.
Oh my, I can totally relate to Jbylync, you are my hero! I have no doubt I am the "wicked sister" but unfortunately, I did do as Mom asked and took care of her because she knew I would do the right thing. Had I known how my sibling would have behaved, I would have really thought twice. I agree, they THINK I am doing this for money, you have got to be kidding me!!!! I had to give up my career (she has dementia) she is not wealthy so she cannot afford LTC or private in home care, I have no life, no freedom, no health insurance, husband and I have a stressed marriage because we are both trapped, dealing with psycho brother trying to milk her for everything until I booted him from the property after this became a real problem. Then the drama ensued. The hate mail, the false accusastions, on and on. Oh how I wish I would have had your strength (and a crystal ball) to do what you did and just say no. I never imagined they would behave this way over money (and there isn't much) and possesions (again, nothing earth shattering like an Authentic Faberge, Tiffany lamp or original Rembrant) and yes, it is so tempting not to tell them when she passes but my husband knowing how they are told me he will handle them. God bless my husband!!!! He knows exactly what they are all about and is much smarter than either of them so they won't stand a chance trying to pull any BS. When we got married, we did not invite them either because it was AFTER all the drama of Mom choosing me over them to be POA and DPOA and executor. They accusations started flying from that very moment. They have never reached out and asked if they could help out, take her anywhere without her wallet paying for it, zero. But, I am the big nasty "wicked sister" and wish to heck I had just said no. The stress and sacrifice was far greater than I could have ever imagined "just trying to do the right thing."
So.........if you can get away with it by law, and there is nothing designated to her in the will/trust, then don't tell her. Heck, I would never communicate with her ever again and ignore every attempt unless she showed up on my doorstep, then I would file a restraining order against her. I am so sorry you have to deal with all this but unfortunately, I can relate!!!!!

If your mom requested your sister not know when she dies, then no, don't tell her, I wouldn't! If all your sister cared about is mom's belongings when she doesn't deserve anything from your mom when she dies.

Meanwhile, make sure your mom has a valid bulletproof will make sure you're careful how it's worded so it cannot be overturned later. One thing you want to include in your will that is if anyone tries to overturn the will, they automatically lose their case. Find out what your mom wants and to whom she wants her stuff to go. If she can, I'll have her put it in writing and see if you can get an eldercare lawyer to come to her and speak with her privately.

Another smart move would be to have her choose her preneed if this hasn't already been done. If she's at the verge of dying and she happens to have money, the smartest move would be for her to go ahead and pay off her own funeral. Find out what funeral home she wants to use and what her final wishes are. See if there's a funeral home that has a staff that can come to her. be very careful about paying cash, go with your debit card so that your bank has a trail of where the money went when you started the preneed. If the person Who visits you doesn't except your credit card, call the funeral home and see if you could bring your mom who visits you doesn't except your credit card, call the funeral home and see if they take debit cards. If they say yes, make an arrangement to bring your mom in in person and let her make her arrangements. Be very careful though, they'll try to sell you stuff you don't want or need, so you may want to at least stay nearby just in case. One thing I would make note of with the funeral home is if you plan on hosting a memorial is see if the funeral director or even the owner will watch for anyone you don't want to be there. You can tell them the name of the person you don't want there and see if they'll ask names coming in the door. That way, they can stop and question, after which they can send the unwanted person away.

* When your mom passes, make sure you're the one to open her estate and hire the lawyer. That way, you're the executor with fiduciary duties. The reason why I mentioned the estate lawyer is so that you're protecting yourself against possibly getting sued over a mistake because most people don't know the inns and outs of the system like a good lawyer does. This is why you should let the lawyer handle this for you. In Ohio there's a process of handling an estate, i'm going through this very thing right now and the estate will most likely be monitored by the court system but I don't know all of the other side of how this works when a lawyer gets involved and handles matters for you. In Ohio I know the first step is to admit the will (if any) within a certain time limit. The next step is gathering inventory. The next step after that in Ohio is paying off any debt that deceased owes. When paying off a debt, you want to start off with the most important ones like any taxes and medical bills. During this time some inventory must be sold including major assets after the deceased has been dispositioned and the funeral home has been paid for that disposition. Then, anything left over after everything important is paid then distribution is made to the rightful heirs.

I don't know if you live in Ohio, but I must warn you not to let her die without a will if there's anyone she doesn't want to give anything to such as your sister. If she dies intestate meaning no will, Ohio law requires a certain procedure and protocol. The first thing they're going to look for is any surviving spouse who automatically gets everything. They have certain protocol that must be followed by law when someone dies without a will in Ohio. In my particular case dad had no surviving spouse and he was widowed. In this particular type of case where someone dies intestate and has no surviving spouse but there are surviving children, they get equal shares of everything. If there are no surviving children then they look for grandchildren, and so on. If there are absolutely no survivors then the state gets it all as a last resort. If your mom is on the verge of passing anytime soon, you definitely want to go over things with her and find out about your state laws regarding what will happen with her stuff when she dies. It would be very smart on her part right now to figure out where she wants everything to go and who gets what, she really needs to get her ducks in a row before the day of her passing

Christine

It was nice to know others are in a similar predicament. I would honor your mom's wishes. There is a reason mom requested this. I have a sibling that hasn't seen her mother in over 30 years. For years, my sister would send mom her bills and mom would pay them for her. Vet bills, her mortgage, new appliances etc. - thousands of dollars that mom didn't have. My mom has a 10th grade education and worked in a grocery store till she was 84; my sister has a nursing degree. Gee - what's wrong with this picture.

Sibling would call mom every Sunday, but that stopped once mom came to live with me and the money stopped flowing. I personally struggle with do I tell my sister when mom dies. When that happens, I know all she will want is her inheritance and she will cause problems. Years ago, she told mom that she would not come to her funeral. So, I decided - when mom dies, I will have an attorney contact her. He already knows the situation and she can consult with him, not me. Hope this helps.

Unless there is some legal reason you have to notify your sister, why tell her anything at all? Why would you consider it your responsibility? Just be sure you have all your legal and financial ducks in a row. Sounds to me that you would probably be better treated by a perfect stranger and you wouldn't feel you had to notify anyone and everyone you ran into, would you? If your sister cares, she can find out for herself.

In my state, you must inform the heirs/immediate family if the elders dies. How about thinking of this as, "don't tell your sister I'm at death's door?" Sis's presence would not be a positive at Mom's bedside, would it?

I'd put a very nice (prewritten) obit in the paper to preempt sis placing a nasty one. And I'd make the memorial a private, invited dinner so that you can control the guests. Cremation can be accomplished without invitation as can disposing.

But I'd use all the time you have legally before you *pay a sheriff* to *serve* her with the legal papers informing her that mom died. Don't do it yourself.

Your responsibility is to your mother. I told my brothers,"if you want to know what is happening in your parents life, have a relationship with them." If they don't call their 80+ year old parents for 5 months or more than a year they are not going to know what is going on, their relationship with their parents is their responsibility. Your sister does not care about having a relationship with your mother.

Get your ducks in a row. Talk to the lawyer about your legal obligation to notify your sister. Not what he she feels you should do - but what you are legally required to do. If nothing was left to her in a will or trust, I do not see why you would have a legal responsibility to tell her. Have the cremation done, have your small memorial service. Secure your mother's belongings and accounts.

If you are not obligated to tell her about your mom's death don't. When she finds out, she finds out. If mom is still mentally fit enough to write a letter, have her write a quick letter telling sister that it was her desire that sister not be informed of her passing. If she is not of mind you will just have to explain that mother made the request years ago. You will catch a great deal of anger resentment and flak. Stay strong. Honor your mother - this is her decision to make about her end of life. Have a plan in mind to protect yourself from your sisters' backlash and aggression.

Again, sorry scanned the posts so not sure this has been said.  Mom has been in a home, private pay or Medicaid?  If Medicaid Mom has no money.
If a house, Medicaid will put a lean on it at time of death.  If a will, its null and void at time Medicaid begins. If Mom has anything worth anything put it in a safe deposit box.  I doubt there is anything left if private pay after 3yrs.  Hopefully your executrix if there is a will.  You will have to make sure all debts are paid. Probate can take a while depending on the estate.  In NJ I think you have 30 or 60 days to contact any people named in the will.   You don't have to post an obit.  Either in the paper or by the funerak home.  This is the only way it gets on the internet.  Her Memorial can be held anytime.  We had MILs on her birthday 3 months after her death.  By that time you should have all ur ducks in a row.  I agree, abide by what Mom wanted.

You have to notify heirs but they don't get any proceeds until after probate.

The executor of a will has to notify heirs of the estate, true.

But the child of a deceased person doesn't have to do a dam' thing if she doesn't want to; and in this case the only instructions we know about are those of the mother authorising (in writing) the OP to dispose of her remains and forbidding (verbally) her to inform her sister.

I agree that the mother's request seems extreme, and I personally suspect it isn't very realistic either - word gets around. But the OP either complies with her mother's wishes or tells her she'll do no such thing. She can't agree, and then fail to do what she's agreed to.