I know, the question sounds insane. You would almost have to have grown up in my family to understand why I'm even asking. So here's the background info. My mom is in a NH with close to end-stage Alzheimer's. I have spent my health taking care for her for over 10 years while my do-nothing sister angled for her money, stole from her, verbally abused her, and tried to kidnap her once. (Yes, she tried to take my mom to her state--with no one's knowledge-- so she could have access to mom's social security check.) Don't misunderstand the words "spent my health"; I would do it again in a heartbeat. Spent my health simply states a fact that every caregiver who actually cares, understands.
Mom has been in a nursing home for almost 3 years. Although my sister is retired, she has never visited mom once and never asked how she is doing. The only thing she's ever showed any interest in is my mother's belongings. But that aside.
My mom specifically TOLD me not to even tell my sister when she dies. She said this years ago when she was more cognizant, and she stuck to it.
My sister is bossy, a drama queen, and has a penchant for chaos. She likes to "take over" for the sake of taking over. In the past 20 years, she has come to see my mom about 7 times and has called her only 5 times: New Years Day, Mother's Day, Thanksgiving, Her Birthday, and Christmas. The times she visited, it was for the purpose of having a NY crash pad, NOT to spend time with my mother.
In my mother's last months before going into the nursing home, when her dementia was getting worse, my sister called often. Once, she called while I was there. My mom sat there looking so scared and upset that I took the phone away from her ear. What I heard was nothing less than abusive vitriol, so I hung the phone up. My poor mom....
Anyway, now my sister has resurfaced. I could go on and on about her taking my mom's jewelry and saying she would only help me care for our mom if I paid her $800 a month, but I won't. There are a million terrible stories I could tell, but I won't. The point is, I deeply distrust her, she may have mental problems, and she would definitely cause a scene if she came to my mom's memorial.
Before my mom's diagnosis, she said she wanted to be cremated and that she did not want a funeral. I told my sister, figuring that she, too, should be aware of my mom's wishes. She said "NO! NO!," in a very definitely way, as if the decision were her's, and proceeded to take my head off verbally.
My mom signed paperwork with an attorney designating me as the person with authority to dispose of her remains. I plan to carry out her wishes. There will be no funeral per mom's wishes, but I am choosing to do a simple memorial service after she is cremated.
Though sis has resurfaced (she was previously ignoring my texts and attempts to connect), she has STILL not asked about our mom. That tells me everything I need to know. I see so clearly now that she could care less.
When my mom first told me not to tell my sister when she died, I didn't protest, but I had no intention of doing something so over-the-top. Now I see the wisdom in it. I'm seriously considering doing just that. Letting her know after the fact, "Mom passed away on such and such date. Per her wishes there was no funeral. She has been cremated and her cremains are buried at such and such cemetery."
I just want my mom's memorial to be drama-free and that will NOT happen with my sister around.
Thoughts?
When your sister comes raging at you after finding out, just tell her "We were estranged, and Mom wanted to keep it that way".
I do believe that you are between a rock and a hard place, a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation.
Maybe you could practice being Switzerland to head off answering the many angry questions that will come with that call. None of which you have to answer or endure, just hanging up. imo.
My mom is in a nursing home on Medicaid. The only thing she presently has to her name is a resident account where $50 per month is deposited. I pay for her toiletries, replacement clothing, treats, nice bedding for her room and the private aide she had for a little over a year. This amount is much more than $50 per month. As her POA, I withdraw the money from her resident account and have it conservatively invested in a fund that will cover her final expenses. There is a life insurance policy as well. Small face value. It will just about pay for her headstone. I have paid the premium for years.
I am the executor of her will and also her health care proxy.
We were not rich people. Mom rented an apartment most of her life, where I also grew up. My mom taught me to be a good saver, a hard worker, and a person of integrity. I am now fairly comfortable. My sister, on the other hand, lived beyond her means, felt she was entitled to more than she could afford, and now struggles.
Though my mom has a will, it lists only belongings. There's no money to be had; everything she saved will just about cover her final expenses.
When my mom entered the nursing home, she needed to give up her apartment. My sister demanded everything that was "hers" in the will. I asked her to please come get anything she wants. She never came. I was paying for my mom's apartment (including rent and utilities) for those 3 months while I waited for my sister and she put me off. I couldn't really afford to keep doing that. So in month 3, I turned in the key to the landlord. Yes, I had reached out to her in the interim, but she just gave me lip service. I finally realized she was never coming. She had promised to help me pay the rent, but that never happened, of course.
Standard procedure for vacated apartments is for the landlord to put the belongings on the street for garbage collection. To avoid this, I sold or donated mom's large furniture since I wasn't able to carry it out myself and had nowhere to put it even if I could have carried it out myself. Every penny of the money went into an envelope for mom. I used it to buy her anything she said she wanted during her first year adjusting to the nursing home. The little bit that was left went into the account for her final expenses. (The furniture was very old. Good condition, but not worth a whole lot of money.) Anything that was my sisters, including pictures of her and my mother, was boxed and sent to her. (She already had my mom's good jewelry via theft.) Some of the smaller things, I took and put in my garage, but they were so old that they just didn't last.
I guess my sister could sue for the ancient furniture, but it's gone. I gave her ample time to collect it, but she essentially abandoned it. She can, of course, bring suit. Anyone has the right to bring suit, but there is nothing to be gained. The court would probably consider those things of little to no monetary value. So she could sue my mom's "estate," which has no value....
I'm sorry things went this way. I'm sorry my sister turned out to be a bad person. I'm sorry my mom lives in a nursing home, unable to even speak for herself. But there's nothing I can do to change any of this. I can just do my best to care for and protect my mom, and do the morally and legally right thing.
It will be hard and sad, but I'm cutting off all communication with my sister. When I told her 3 years ago that I had to give up mom's apartment and sell/donate the larger item to avoid them being put in the garbage, she was so angry she stopped speaking to me. A couple of months ago, she resurfaced, but I don't trust her at all. Cutting off communication is the best way I know to protect my mother. My sister has already tried to kidnap her once, and I don't want her to attempt it again. She lives in a different state and would have difficulty navigating my area without my help. I'm sorry.
As for whether I would tell her after my mom is buried and the memorial is over...why? She could not make it more obvious that she does not care. It seems like a bad thing to do, but after she has abandoned my mother (years ago), and hung me out to dry, leaving me alone to deal with crushing nursing home situations where I needed support....should I then basically invite her to verbally abuse me or make my life unpleasant? I know, the whole thing sounds crazy to me and I'm living it.
So keep on looking out for Mom and follow her wishes. Sis can jump up and down and scream but there is nothing to be had. You can also instruct the nursing home that your sister is not allowed to see your Mom without you being present and agreeing.