#1 Mom has been in a NH since 11/2018. She hasn’t spoke to me for almost 14 months. This began after I had to re-home her dog. That’s a long story, but her dog is now in a loving home thanks to a fantastic rescue for Cavalier King Charles. Last week mom called & wanted to meet with me. She told me to come alone. During our visit she said a lot of things about me. Things she was told I did or didn’t do for example; putting her dog in a shelter, not helping with clean up after hurricane Ida, not being nice to my sister, having a boyfriend, etc. I corrected all her false info. Mom was given & continues to receive false information about me. She believes everything my siblings & dad tell her about me. (My parents are divorced.) Instead of asking me about what she hears, she believes what others say, every word. I went thru a tremendous amount of emotional turmoil during those 14 months; anxiety, stress, depression, so many tears, insomnia, etc.. I know I had an emotional breakdown during this time, esp when it came to doing what was best for her dog. So during these 14 months, I finally came to accept the fact my mother was no longer a part of my life. I’ve been good w that & doing much better mentally, emotionally... Now my mother wants to meet & talk. I’m not sure I want to re-establish a relationship w her. It’s taking me a long time to be ok with not having her in my life. I don’t want to be hurt by her again. I have established boundaries. Right now I don’t care if I see or speak to her again. She will continue to believe the gossip & rumors she hears about me from other family members. It’s just how this dysfunctional family is. Should I re-establish a relationship w mom? I’m afraid doing that will set me up for more heartache from her.
#2 I was mom’s primary care giver when needed for 11yrs. Siblings told me they were happy about that. They were able to pursue their careers & family. Told me that too. My siblings admitted Mom into a NH. A brother said they didn’t want to include me in that decision because they thought i’d disagree. Who knows. I’m a Veterinarian & only family member with a medical background. I knew all of mom’s meds & medical history, not them. In my opinion, because of that, the first few weeks of mom’s NH care & PT was inadequate. It was based upon her being bed ridden & unable to care for herself. When mom was home, she was active & independent. I made sure NH knew that. Subsequent to that, mom’s care & PT was changed/adjusted. My question is, what would be the main reason that all of a sudden my dad & siblings want to be the ones caring for mom? They were never involved with that before her NH admission. The only thing I can think of would have to do with her Will which has changed 3 times I know of.
Toxic people are to avoided at all costs, whether family or acquaintances. Life is too short. Surround yourself with people who uplift you and support you; you are a worthy person.
Hugs to you
"I’ve read that scapegoats tend to be sensitive, caring & loving. My family is EXTREMELY dysfunctional. I’m the black sheep/scapegoat. Best thing I’ve done is set up & maintain strict boundaries w parents & siblings."
Your mother, who believes lies and gossip about you sets the ground rules for the meeting? Come alone? I demand to see you?
Nuh-uh.
Take a friend. Keep your cool and let mom talk, rant, complain, whatever.
If the temperature of the water has changed (i.e., mom understands that she was wrong to believe the gossip), maybe visit her once in a while. But if she starts in chopping you down, just get up and leave.
People who change wills based on a "loved one's" behavior don't deserve your consideration.
Keep your distance. If you don't have POA or on HIPPA paperwork, the facility should not be talking to you. Seems these people have the ability to influence her. And yes, they are interested in what they will inherit after death. You have resigned yourself that Mom will not be in your life. You are now aware that she believes the lies told her. This will not change. As Barb posted, you have always felt like the scapegoat. You deserve more than that. You need to be respected and I don't think you will ever get that from your family. Walk away. Mom is being cared for. She really does not know how to appreciate u.
You may want to see if you can get a picture of her dog with the new owner. Then send it to her saying "Fluffy and new owner doing well". Maybe have new owner write a note.
It took me YEARS to realize that she is one of my worst triggers and I am definitely one her worst ones. B/C I call a spade a spade and don't let her manipulate me.
An old saying "You are only as good as your last at bat"--how true that is! When I am in a position where mother NEEDS ME, I am the golden child. When that ends and I am not 'needed' I do not hear from her.
I was helping 1-2 days a week when I was dxed with cancer. I had to quit being around her b/c she had feral birds that were covered in guck that was toxic to me. Also, she was driving me nuts and I was really trying to deal with the cancer.
I went on with treatment and post treatment and she didn't call, visit or even send a card for 18 months. When my hair finally grew back so I didn't look quite so sick, I went to see her. She looked at me and said "You used to be so pretty".
I only stayed a few minutes and went and sat in my car and cried. If I ever had a thought that my mother loved me, it was 100% eradicated that day.
I have done what I wanted to do for her since then. I took her to Bingo once a week, then had to stop b/c I had major surgery and a Looooong recovery. Again, did she ever call or see if I was OK? Nope, not once.
She is beginning to have frequent falls and it's just a matter of time before one lands her in the hospital, seriously injured. I've gone to check on her after each fall, just for a minute or two, and that's how it's going to stay.
As far as inheritances? She has held THAT over all of our heads all our lives. I will inherit $9875, just like my 4 living siblings. Trust me, that amount of money being held 'captive' over my head does not keep me up nights.
It's truly sad we have to sometimes cut LO's out of our day-to-day lives. I'm not HAPPY about this, it is what it is.
I would go see her, and immediately, sweetly and politely establish that you will not be treated negatively, listen to disparaging remarks, and generally disrespected as you have been by her earlier treatment.
If/when she starts this, get up, reaffirm your position, state that you're not being treated respectfully, and leave.
#2. Why are the other family interested? They see an end to her life and want to be sure they're heirs.