I take care of my mom, she’s at the cusp of losing her independence but here we are, making it work in her own home - as she wishes. I’m here about every 3.5 weeks. I live out of state, but it’s an easy flight. Sometimes I drive. She’s always been a difficult person with narcissistic tendencies. However, she does thank me for my help, she does compliment me (my ability to cook and my knowledge of day to day technology is simply mind blowing to her). She does tell me all my help and work is appreciated. She does that when it’s time to say goodbye (yes, I know it’s a good thing and I appreciate it) Yet, the day to day with her is one complaint/you’re wrong after another.
These days, I ignore my mom’s small grievances. But I take care of ALL her semi-valid and above grievances!
I took care of my dad when he was ill until he died. They were still married but everything between them was so contentious and my mom complained & complained & challenged me about everything.
Since he died, I’ve done home maintenance management, finances, medical supervision; I make sure she’s never alone for holidays, birthday, and I even help with her ladies lunch when it’s her turn to host.
I do everything I can. Today: she wants to go shopping to replace some (designer brand…relevant in a sec…) reading glasses she bought about 8 years ago. “at a grocery store…”<p data-uw-rm-sr="">I looked them up by name and style and found them on eBay. Same magnification even! She complained that they cost $50. I doubt she bought them at a grocery store. They were really nice. She reiterated that she bought them at a grocery store. “They were probably about $10.”
I’m in her house for Thanksgiving. The whole family was here, they all
left yesterday. I’ll stay a few days here to do finances, take her shopping, do food prep, etc. I have a job too.
When we go do errands she’s mostly quiet. But she tells me where to park, screams if she thinks something is amiss with my driving, someone else’s driving, or with the car. She interrupts me or the silence with loud hoots about, “that car/bird/misplaced shopping cart/tree/do we have a flat tire?/blooming plant on the side of the freeway/new building/trolley car/underdressed person/view/sunset/light/and WHAT IS THAT then she’ll muse directions and abruptly ask me, ‘where are we going?’ “
I’ve tried to get her to add, “and why am I in this hand basket…” when she asks that to incorporate some humor but so far, no luck.
This trip, I have the dog with me.
The dog is a rescue, 9 years, still shy, and remarkably careful with my mom. All the things she does with us, happy dance, excited rushing-by, leaps, zooms: NEVER does them near my mom. It’s remarkable, like she knows my mom is frail. Anyway, we all love the dog. She’s smart and sweet and funny.
My mom loves her too but goes on and on about how the dog “just ignores her”
”She just ignores me. She wants nothing to do with me unless I have a treat” ”She only has eyes for you”
My mom will call the dog in a monotone, and wonder why the dog “just ignores her” If you say a 9 year old dog’s name flatly, to the air in front of you while the dog is 20 feet away and napping, the dog is not going to care. If you call out with enthusiasm and promise, the dog (ours anyway) will come running.
Anyway, tonight at dinner I’d had enough of this poor me “the dog thinks I’m mud” business and I engaged.
My mom drinks too much. When she’s put away some tequila she thinks she’s clever & funny. She acts coy and it’s so aggravating.
We went around and around on this ‘the dog completely ignores her’ business. We got to the point where I was demonstrating how to say her name with some “lift” and, after acting like I directing her to do a most outrageous thing (say the dog’s name in a happy excited way) she made her voice like she was 9 and hooted the dog’s name. Dog responded, of course. So my mom strained to do the high pitched voice again and told the dog, “my poor daughter now she has
listen to me talk like this!”
If you are doing ALL that you are doing for her your mother no longer has her independence. You need to come to grips with this and start making arrangements for your mother that meet her needs. This does not include you flying down there every 3 or 4 weeks (that in of itself is ridiculous).
What you have written is your resume of being the servant that you are. I know , because I was a servant also. Trust me. This does not get better. Quit this servant job and have hired help serve your mother.
Maybe she would like an entire staff at assisted living to order around and feel like a Queen.
Your mother sounds like that personality type my mother is. I;ve had many clients like them too where it's the constant interrupting like nothing you say has any value. Then there's the demanding of answers to an endless spring of asinine nonsense questions. If you don't correctly answer and guess exactly what they're thinking, that's a justifiable reason to be snide, insulting, lash-out, or instigate a fight.
You flying in every few weeks is not sustainable. Your mother needs local caregivers who will go to her every day and take care of the things you're taking care of every few weeks. They will being her to appointments and all the other stuff. Then you reduce the visits to every two or three months.
Have a talk with her about how she treats you and that you will not tolerate the constant self-pity and negativity. In fact, you can tell her exactly what I told my mother.
'If your life is so bad and you're at the end, there's no point in me wasting a moment of my time trying to help you to improve it. You can go into a nursing home. I do not listen to incessant complaining and negativity. Spread your misery around to your aide or the ones at the nursing home I put you in.'
Tell your mother these words and she will clean her act up around you. I'm sure she will talk about you to whoever will listen like you're the devil incarnate, but the bright side is she won't be laying it on you anymore.
So true, who cares if she tells the entire world that she’s the “devil’s incarnate.” At least the OP won’t be hearing about it on a regular basis!
I agree with you that the traveling back and forth is not reasonable.
Next time u visit, no dog. I really don't know how ur going to continue this working a f/t job and with a family of ur own.
Vent away whenever you need to .
I suggest thinking about some other options for your mother before she burns you out . For starters , use Moms money and hire someone to take her shopping , make some meals , help her host her ladies lunch , housekeeping etc . Your mother is being ridiculous expecting so much from you . Your mother has placed you in servitude . She says jump and you say “ how high “.
You have a life to live as well . Take your life back .
Have you considered keeping a diary for yourself. They help with venting, as well.
I never get leaving diaries to your progeny as it makes life look quite unhappy given that most of us only write in them when we need a good vent.
I will say that your Mom is who she is and who she always was and who she always will be.
And there is some comfort in your knowing that.
I myself wouldn't participate in care to the extent you are, because for me, blood or no, I don't keep people like your mom in my life overmuch. But that's me. You are YOU, an adult, and responsible for your own choices and decisions in life. Seems you are doing OK other than the need of a good vent.
Come to AC more than just to vent may help. As you do this journey you are learning SO MUCH about all this, medical system on. You could be such a help to others, and that might improve your attitude for yourself as well. Of course, could just be you don't have "room " for that given all you are daily going through.
Remember always that if mom is competent and capable at all, enabling her may actually be harming her, making it more and more difficult. I assure you that as an 81 year old I am definitely in the land of use it or lose it, whether mind or brain. My own daughter is two states away from me. I would never require this of her, and in fact would never ALLOW this of her. Nor would it be good for either of us.
Sure wish you luck ongoing. They say aging isn't for sissies, but it isn't realy good for their progeny either.
As you probably know in your heart she's already not independent. You (and others) are orbiting around her to prop up this charade...at the cost of your mental, physical, emotional and financial health (if she doesn't compensate you for the plane tickets and travel expenses, then yes, financial). None of this is sustainable and a big change for her is imminent. The question is when to start that ball rolling and how.
Are you her PoA? Is anyone? If you are doing all this and are not her PoA then this would be condition #1 of continuing to manage her affairs and care. There's lots to be suggested to you but it matters if whether you/someone is her PoA or not. If no one is her PoA, this needs to happen asap. She sounds like she still has capacity (which is ultimately determined by the attorney when s/he interviews your Mom privately before creating the document). The capacity bar is surprisingly low.
Teepa Snow videos on YouTube are very helpful to learn techniques to interact with LOs with dementia and memory loss so that you can have more peaceful and productive engagment with them. But it takes practice. My Mom lives next door to me and I still get sucked into dumb, circular conversations with her, then I feel terrible.
Your answer is spot on! So many times, we are the ones who have to adjust our own way of thinking about things.
Others aren’t going to change. We are the ones who have to change our way of responding and not argue about silly things.
It takes time to retrain ourselves and realize that they are not who they once were and that it isn’t worth arguing about.
When we continue to argue we are only setting ourselves up for frustration.
We should make changes that will make our lives easier. These changes will help everyone in the long run.
This will not get better, she will not change, so what is your plan?
She is not independent as you and others are her crutch.
What she wants is not what she may need.
Might be time to back off, she is miserable and making you miserable as well.
What's up ahead?
Do you like a plan? Or take it as it comes?
A little turn into a nice senior village? More folk around for company, staff onsite to help, maybe meals provided, maybe a shuttle bus to the shops & movies.
Or the onramp to Mission Creep highway, full speed, no exit for a long while yet.
Keep your eyes on the road ahead I'd say. The warning signs will be marked.
What could you do to make yourself happier with the situation?
Are you planning on continuing to care for her? Do you have any outside help so that you can take a break?
Your mom sounds like she enjoys being the center of attention, even with your dog.
It is frustrating when older people are not accepting of price changes. No one likes inflation but we can’t expect prices to remain the same as they were years ago.
Is your mother’s drinking out of control? Or is she just an annoying person when she drinks?
Wishing you all the best. It’s challenging to be a caregiver.