Suggestions on convincing someone to move to care home?
The problem is my father doesn’t believe he has dementia. He can’t see he is needing more help than I can give. I’ve explained how sick I am with my seizures and newly diagnosed heart problem and I am just not able to help him like I need to. I didn’t bring up the subject of dementia, I know he will just deny it. So I explained how stressed I get and he’s getting older and needs more help than before. He says he doesn’t need any help since he’s still able to walk, so he doesn’t belong in a care home. He refuses in home help because according to him he can still clean his home and do laundry (even cook and drive, which he no longer does). He doesn’t remember all the times he does not dry his clothes completely and lets them sour so i have to buy new ones. Or the fact he uses a dirty mop on the floor, and the refrigerator and dishes are filthy and he never throws expired food away and ends up eating it but can’t tell that it’s spoiled, thinking it’s his taste buds. He insists he takes all of his meds, but he denies the Doctor even gave him a certain Med when I know they have. Accusing my husband of stealing and he lives next to us in guest home so there’s no way we can really get away…and the list goes on and on. I’m just wondering how to convince someone who does not believe any of things are really happening? Without getting them too angry, as he’s been more angry lately than usual and of course refuses all types of calming and anxiety or dementia pills. Thanks for your tips!
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"I’m just wondering how to convince someone who does not believe any of things are really happening?"
You won't -- it will never happen so please stop exhausting yourself trying. Is anyone his PoA? If so, this person can use his funds and arrange for facility care for him. One way to get him there is to use a "therapeutic fib": 'Dad, there's a dangerous gas leak (or infestation or black mold) in the guesthouse so you'll need to stay in a temporary apartment until it's fixed.' Then you take him there.
Another strategy used is if he has an incident and requires a trip to the ER, you tell the staff he is an "unsafe discharge" and that you need the help of a social worker to transition him from the hospital directly into a facility.
If no one is his PoA, this may mean the county acquires guardianship of him if he isn't cooperative. A legal PoA would be able to keep him in AL or MC. If he tried to leave he would definitely go into MC.
I would start by using a therapeutic fib to get him in for a check-up (or Urgent Care) to make sure he doesn't have a UTI or that he isn't under- or over-medicating himself. Go with a pre-written note for the staff discretely requesting a cognitive and memory exam. If he does have a medical problem you will need to figure out if and how he will take his medicine.
In the end you can only do so much, but you cannot expect that using any reason or logic or appeal to his empathy will be of any value because dementia robs one of these abilities. I have found Teepa Snow videos on YouTube extremely helpful in understanding dementia and learning strategies to work with our LOs for more productive and peaceful interactions. I wish you all the best as you work towards solutions!
Most of us here have been in this frustrating “gray area”, in which perplexing and unexpected behaviors begin to emerge, and we all learn from experience that no, you CAN’T convince someone in his situation.
If you have a POA or similar document (hopefully), you can do the research to find a place that’s near enough for him to have visitors who know and care for him, and hopefully some men for company.
“Angry” can result from your LO fighting with himself to deny his own progressing cognitive failure without directly addressing it. My own LO suffered terribly in her efforts to “conceal” her diminishing ability to maintain her previous TOTALLY INDEPENDENT lifestyle until we talked her into a one week “trial” in a really beautiful local Assisted Living facility.
After a longish and somewhat difficult period of adjustment, she came to embrace her life in the “hotel”, and enjoyed it, until overtaken by COVID.
Please continue to be aware that no one can “reason” with someone who has a diagnosis of dementia. His anger, his inaccurate accusations, his denial of his own circumstances- all the products of a progressively failing brain. Don’t be hurt or discouraged by what he SAYS. His filters are failing.
Make your decisions for him based on facts and love. However tough it gets, and it may, remember that facts and love, even when very difficult temporarily, will be the best you can do.
The vast majority of us on this forum had to wait for a parent to have a serious illness or a bad fall, where 911 is called and the parent is in the hospital. From the hospital they usually go to Rehab, and from Rehab to either back home or into a care facility. By then, the parent has little choice of where to live, as one usually goes to where there is an empty bed. That happened to my own Mom.
When Mom passed, Dad decided on his own it was time for him to move to senior living. He was happy as a clam living there, being around people of his own generation, and all these new ears to hear his stories :)
Stop trying to explain why you need him to move to a facility. They lose their empathy early on. They are self-centered like a small child. It no longer what he wants but what he needs. And he needs to be in a safe place where he is cared for. I would wonder if your seizures are stress related?
If you are his POA or Guardian you are the one that makes the decision that it is safe for HIM to remain at home with you AND if it is safe for YOU for him to remain at home with you.
So forget about "convincing him" it is your decision.
Because you have your own health issues, it's time for some big changes. You can use your dad's money to pay for in-home help for 1-2 months to see if that helps while you research long-term care options.
I would suggest hiring a male helper for your dad. My father-in-law refused a female to see him naked. It's not worth arguing with him. You tell him something like "Dad, [Joe] is here to help you today. I will be back in a little while. You will be polite and let him help you." Be sure to check in on how they get on.
It will take a little while for your dad to get used to anyone. If he can afford to hire the same person to help him, that will be best. If he can't, then placement in a care home will alleviate much stress. His needs will only increase.