How can I tell my family I can no longer take care of my elderly mother, without them feeling that I just want to put her in a home? She is 93, needs a fulltime caregiver, has dimentia/alzheimers and I do not feel I am physically, emotionally, mentally, financially able to. I love my mother but I think it is time she is placed in a home. My two sisters and I have rotated yearly being caretaker for her for the last 6 years. I am the oldest of the three, 58 years old with alot of problems. How can I make them understand that I cant provide that care for her anymore, without them thinking I just want to give up on her. It will be my turn to take her in a few months and I am so stressed about it. I love my mother very much but I just dont feel I am capable of taking her in again, even though we do get help from In home support service, I just cant take that responsibility anymore?
Baby, you've reached the point when your mind can't absorb what your a__ can no longer endure. The bottom line is that your mother's needs are increasing, your resources (and your sisters') are practically maxed out, and a higher level of care that none of you is able to provide on a full-time basis is required.
You all have made sacrifices, explored all possibilities, even shared the responsibility equally over the years. And from the statements you've made placing your mom in a nursing home might seem tantamount to betrayal. That's why you three must come to a decision that will benefit all, especially your mother. Whatever happens, make sure you continue to be an integral part of her life.
Just as you've shared the responsibility, now you're going to have to share -- and learn to live with -- a bittersweet pain that will never go away.
Years from now, as you rewind the tapes of your existence, you'll have the peace of mind that comes with knowing you did the best you could with what you had.
I wish you the best Muniz, and stay strong as you've always done.
-- ED
Have your sisters be an active part in this process too. Have them visit the same nursing homes, or others and then compare your notes on the facilities that will work for ALL of you.
Do not take it upon yourself to make this decision, do not wait until a significant event/accident happens that warrants an immediate UNEDUCATED move take place.
And then... after you do all this... and you and your sisters are happy with the facility you decide on, make a plan, a schedule of how you will visit, who will be healthcare advocate/proxy, set up a DPOA (if this is not already done) and ask what you can do to make this move a positive one for all.
If the facility insists that you NOT visit for any period of time to allow them to adjust... trust me.... LOOK FOR ANOTHER FACILITY!!! Not visiting is not the answer.
Once your mother is moved to a skilled facility your involvement may be just as much as it was at home, BUT with the skilled staff around to assist her instead of that responsibility resting on your shoulders only!
Placing Mom is not an easy thing to do, and some refuse to do so, even at their own expense. I felt that way for years myself. While on a visit with my brother, she had to be hospitalized after almost poisoning herself with a common household item!! It was only then, that my brother(s) realized that Mom needed 24/7 supervised care! Of course I continued to be a MAJOR contributor to her care by visiting her weekly, and setting up a visitng schedule for the rest of the family, and bringing things for Mom to do, and eat and see and feel!
Research the facilities that would suit your mother best and visit her as often as you can. You may be surprised, your sisters may be relieved that you broached the subject. Good luck...
Good luck on the next phase of your caregiving journey~
Hap
Hugs for you knowing that even though you are doing the right thing for yourself and your mother, it will still be very painful and there will be lots of tears to come. Those tears can be very healing. Hang in there; deep breath, and speak up so that your siblings can hear you loud and clear, ok?
God bless you and your sibling who have worked the rotation in caring for your Mom. You both stand tall in my view.
Leave her feet untouched. Then, in the course of each day, tell her you will soak her feet. While her feet soak, tell her you will wipe down her legs with a warm washcloth, then add some lotion. Maybe in a couple of weeks you can tell her you are just going to do the wipe down while she stands in the tub. Don't turn the faucet on, just wipe down, and a large container for water to wash off any soapy residue. With luck, you may be able to turn on the shower, or the faucet over the tub to at least get her more, rather than less water cleaning time. Just don't rush her, or argue, or make it an unplesant time for her.
As for the full-time care, I am a full-time caregiver to my Mom. Smooth music can be uplifting, daily short, leisurely drives when the sun is shining and traffic is not as heavy as rush hour, other outdoor time, like sitting outside for a short spell, some mild activity time, like sorting clean laundry (even if not sorted correctly) and little vignettes sharing, among other moments in care make for full and mostly balanced days for both of us. No two days are alike and nothing is perfect. It's just doing the best that we can, and our loved ones being able to enjoy the greater comforts of home rather than being in sterile institutional settings where everything is unfamiliar to them and it's all an unending routine.
Thank you for your kind and tender insights. Helped me too.
"Mom, can you come here a minute?" "How would you like to soak your feet for a few minutes?" Of course she would resist, but I just GENTLY told her that the water was already in the tub, or "We don't want it to go to waste", and she would just give me a look!! But, this seemed to get her motivated.
Once she relinquished her 'danties' (so she wouldn't get them wet) and seated properly on the transfer seat, she started to enjoy the experience. I would put Epson salt in the water, and bubble bath, and have a loofah that was like a back scrubber, so she could reach her feet.
Mind you... she STILL had her nightgown on, and the heat was up (torture for me in FL) but absolutely necessary for Mom.
OK.. so her feet are all warm and clean, and we moved up her legs to get all the 'day' off her, and then sometimes I would hear her say, "Well I guess I should clean up the rest huh??" (That was on a good day)
I made a hooded bathtowel so she could safely remove her night gown and then before you knew it (with a handheld shower attachment) I was able to assist her with the rest of her shower.
EVEN washing her hair, as quickly as possible. An all in one shampoo was a big help, and being PREPARED essential.
I always had the towels (warmed in the dryer) and hair dryer, soap and shampoo all setup BEFORE I ever called her to the bathroom. Also a big fluffy robe, or a change of clothes (new danties and all) make the transition easier. My trouble came in getting Mom to relinquish her dirty clothes!! I would have HER put them in the washing machine herself and press the button. She didn't like her laundry combined with anything else.
Body wipes helped between showers, right before bedtime I would use the Lavender ones designed for babies VERY soothing for both of us!
After her shower, I would dry her hair, all the while singing ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT... or some other silly song that seemed to keep her entertained.
QUIET, deliberate actions seemed to work best, and being PREPARED essential (worth repeating)
I hope that by all of us sharing our successes and failures we will have more than one approach to helping our parents and loved ones. One thing is for certain, cleanliness is important, fresh 'danties' daily were part of our bedtime routine, even if met with opposition. Clean hands and teeth mean a better nights sleep. And establishing a routine seem to help.
God Bless you Mom (rest in peace)
just give them a choice, they care for her or she goes to a home. if they get mad, its because its easy for them to hollor at you, but they know darn well that YOU are the one that stepped up, not them. they get mad because they try to guilt you, but do what you need to do. if you cant acre for her, its ok, it gets too much for us..do what you think is best..good luck
I could care less what any of the family thinks period, I have not gotten one call in 8 years from any of her extended family offering one ounce of support! and I bet the only people that will be at her funeral when the time comes is me and my husband and his family, not hers!!!! they dont care at all, all they want to know is whats being left to them!!! the nerve!