The Background: my husband's mother is 92. I moved to my husband's birth country 10 years ago so he could be near his mother & help out as she aged. Mother-in-law has always stated she wanted to live in her own home, not a Care Home as "that's where you go to die." Further, her mother-in-law lived with her for years & she hated it, so she always said she didn't want to live with her children. (It was agreed with my husband before we moved here that his mother would not live with us. I work at home & my mental health would detonate.) We visit his mother a lot but sadly she has grown very lonely as her last sister died 2 years ago & her one friend passed last year. Even more sadly, none of her six grandchildren (five of whom live near her) EVER drop by to see her & her daughter has not visited her (until yesterday) in 7 years. Daughter doesn't take her mother's calls either. She was only roused to action when she was told their mother moved into a care home. Conversely, husband's youngest brother (50+ years old) moved back in with their mother this year to live rent free after changing jobs 6 times. Mother-in-law complained that he hadn't asked her permission to move in & he didn't spend enough time with her, just used her house as a (free) hotel.
Escalation: mother-in-law's eyesight started to worsen, which understandably makes her anxious. Whenever youngest brother stayed at his girlfriend's (who lives hours away) mother-in-law panicked over little things & either called my husband at work or checked herself into hospital "feeling dizzy" & "not herself." But she wanted to continue living at home so we finally managed to get her onto an assisted home care package (long waiting list.) Then the brother, who clearly couldn't cope with her complaints, abruptly moved away to his girlfriend's, giving us 3 days notice. Panic ensued. Mother-in-law started saying that the house was too much for her, "why was she here," she wanted to die, etc. My husband had to move in with her for 2 weeks to cook for her, but every day she said she didn't want to be in the house any more & to find her a care home. So we did. Not an easy task but we found a lovely place with a nice big room; respite care initially with a view to permanent. THEN two days before she was due to go in she started saying "I'm not sure I made the right decision." The day of the move: "Why are you sending me away?" She seemingly has forgotten it was her idea. Nurse said it usually takes a month to settle in so my husband has gone to visit her every day. She's been there a week. A few days ago she was the happiest we've seen her in months but THEN the Wicked Witch of the--I mean, the estranged sister finally dropped in (7 years too late) to visit Mother in the care home. And she rang my husband (in front of mother) accusing him of being a villain who imprisoned their mother against her will. Her first visit in 7 years & all she did was stir things up & try to tell everyone what to do. (Which is not happening as husband & sensible brother have Power of Attorney.) The sister & feckless brother seem mainly worried that mother being in care home will reduce their eventual inheritance. The sensible brother lives 1.5 hours away & is pretty hands-off so my husband gets all the flak.
Husband claims he doesn't care that he's labelled the 'Bad Guy', but he does. Cue too much drinking & yelling at me as he can't cope with stress at all. Obviously I am v. unhappy (angry) about it.
Any coping suggestions? I'm guessing this isn't an unusual scenario. I understand that my urge to say exactly what I think isn't helpful (to my husband-- it helps me!) And probably if we let his mother go back home to cope on her own (with home care people dropping back) she'll just try again to coerce husband into being her live-in carer at her house. Or, worse still, she'll fall & end up in hospital. And husband will be an even bigger 'Bad Guy.' Tips besides leaving the country & leaving them to it?
You start with telling your husband in no uncertain terms that he will not behave verbally abusive to or rain his explosive anger on you. Oh, hell no. He needs to dump that where it belongs. On his toxic mother and family.
I worked in caregiving for a very long time (25 years) and have seen every family dynamic there is.
Your situation is so common in families. I've seen it play out way too many times.
Like your husband, I was a caregiver for my mother. I was the 'Bad Guy' and villian my entire life with her though. It was not something that started when she became a needy senior. That just made it worse. Now that my mother is old, she's not as good at the covert manipulation and abuse. When people who know me well or family see her behavior towards me, they are shocked. I just tell them she's always treated me like that. Only in the past she was able to camouflage her behavior and make it look like it was my fault.
This is something covert narcissists are very good at. I think your MIL has probably been one her whole life and always manipulated her kids.
I quit the caregiving for my mother snd she's on her own with paid people doing for her. If she wrecks the care arrangement she has now, it's a nursing home.
One of her aides (who I worked with a while back) called me to say that my mother says terrible things about me. I believe it. So I told the aides that they have my permission and blessing to correct her when she starts this. That they are to tell her they will not listen to her lies and complaints about me and if she persists they will call me. She gets along good with them.
Your MIL needs to be corrected in the same way. If everyone shuts her down when she starts talking about your husband and complaining, she will stop. She wants attention and pity. These are the two things no one should ever give a person when they are falsely villifying what is usually the only person who actually does anything for them.
So, your husband needs to take one great big step back. He does way to much for his ingrate mother and should stop for a while. Let her get a taste of what life is like right quick if your husband starts living up to some of her lies and completely ignores her.
This is for your sake as much as his.
Then leave her to it. There is nothing anyone can do to get him out of the 'Bad Guy' role with his mother. So, just ignore her for a while. Zero direct contact with her for one month is a good start. Communicate with the care home regularly to check up on her.
As for the sister who will have nothing to do with any of it.. Don't judge her. You don't know what her life was or how she was treated.
Please, you and hubs take a big step back.
Prayers for you and your husband.
The "tail wagging the dog." That's what has happened here.
You are allowed this MIL, with changing brain chemistry, and confusion and fears, decide what is best for her ... when she doens't have the wherewithal to make these decisions.
I am presuming that there is some dementia involved here. (My comments are based on this diagnosis, in part).
You need to decide what is best for YOU and YOUR husband first. Then YOU both decide what / where his M will go. She is so fortunate that you are / were able to afford as you write: "Not an easy task but we found a lovely place with a nice big room; respite care initially with a view to permanent."
Yes - suggestion:
You 'cope' by taking control if this situation. You have not.
As long as you both (you and your husband) cater to her, you both will be frustrated, exhausted, and perhaps end up in financial ruins.
You both need to EDUCATE YOURSELVES / learn what dementia is (call or google Teepa Snow), buy a few books ... you 'deal' with a changing brain by being both compassionate and setting boundaries and being the decision-makers. Period.
She will not be happy because she has been running circles around you/the family unit.
This has to stop and that will only happen when you realize that you (and husband) need to take control of this situation - for her sake as well as yours.
You are re-acting to her fears and confusion. What she needs are guidelines and the security of knowing she is safe. You provide this 'safety' or sense of safety by how you speak to her, how you interact with the care providers at the facility... you never ever let the MIL make her own housing arrangements.
As she is lonely, call local volunteer organizations, churches, etc to see about visitors coming in to support her well being. Remember, she is frightened, confused, scared. THIS is where you start and THIS is what you acknowledge and support --- her safety and security as best you can.
And, then realize you can only 'do' so much. She may NEVER feel happy or content. You do the best you can. However, with guidelines set for her, she will then have a framework to 'work within emotionally and psychologically,' (to the best of her ability cognitively) even if she doens't like it.
She may be forced to rely on aides / staff for emotional support. This could happen - she may eventually bond to the care providers available to her.
If your husband doesn't agree and work with you as a 'unit' - then this is where your work starts. You might need couples' counseling. He may have deep rooted 'mother issues,' that determine how he relates/responds to her now. Understandably, although both of you need to understand what is going on (running him), too.
Gena / Touch Matters
Which is hopefully temporary. But how long?
Go. Gracefully, but go. Leave the country and save yourself. Yes, you wanted other tips for dealing with it, but there are none that make any sense from your point of view. They're all about somebody else, and you're the abused wife. You need out.
You are not to be sacrificed upon the altar of his family dysfunction and discord. You can tell husband that just before you get on the plane.
So sorry, and I hope you go soon. And far, go far. It's really nice in Bali this time of year.
Nothing to add really but stay strong! Plan to outlive them all.. (that's my plan).
Maybe google Drama Triangle. All the players are here, the victim, the fixer, the persecutor.
Also google F.O.G. I'll find the links.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karpman_drama_triangle
https://outofthefog.website/
You didn't cause all this and you cannot fix all this.
I would tell hubby this:
"I love you.
You have done what you can. You can detonate (I love that expression of yours) our entire lives.
But no one here will thank you for it, love you for it, or be happy about it.
Not everything can be fixed, and men love fixing things; this is painful for you. People will want to blame you because it is easier to blame than to accept that things cannot be made better.
I am going to let you deal with your feelings about all of this. The aging transition is a crucible and we aren't alone in this. If you want to talk I am here."
Give him a hug and step away. He will have many feelings about this. The important thing is that he doesn't let inappropriate guilt (he didn't cause and can't fix this) drive him to make decisions that will harm his own life and his own family. Which is YOU. So just pray that doesn't happen. Reassure him that grief about all this is the better g-word than guilt.
This just isn't in his control. Men hate that.
I wish you the best.
1) DH bans sister from visiting the Care Home. No need to have her stirring M up. Ban feckless B if it seems like he will also be a problem.
2) DH stops visiting every day. The normal advice is no visits for a week, even two, so that the facility becomes the new normal. M won’t be able to leave on her own, and this takes the pressure off DH to help her leave. Same for other POA Brother.
3) When and if DH feels that he has to visit, he insists that he and M leave her room and take part in an activity. DH talks to other people at the activity and makes M join in with talking to others. Show that she will have company, will probably be less lonely than in the past several months. If she won’t co-operate, he leaves.
4) Ask M where she wants to die. You have to die somewhere. What’s wrong with dying in a care home, where people are experienced in making it as easy as possible? If she wants to die in her house, how does she want it to be organised? The ‘that’s where you go to die’ line is about NOT DYING, not about it being a bad place for it. Make the reality that she is going to die a bit clearer. If she is religious, get a priest to visit.
5) Stop worrying about “she'll fall & end up in hospital”. Perhaps start talking about the fact that many many old people fall, even with carers on both sides of them. If DH is present, it doesn’t make him the ‘bad guy’.
I hope that others can add to this list. Best wishes for such a difficult situation.
Sure, it’s unpleasant to hear this crap from his siblings, but it doesn’t change anything.
Congratulations on finding a suitable facility.
I would emphasize to your husband that your mother in law is exactly where she needs to be and that how his siblings feel about this situation truly doesn’t matter.
Or he could suggest that if they don’t like this arrangement, then they can take their mom home with them!
Wishing you and your family all the best.