I have to make the arrangements for my father. My dad left a handwritten note saying he wanted to be cremated and maybe have a simple memorial service. I’m not sure if he wrote that during Covid, or not.
Other than myself, my husband & daughter, my mother (ex wife) and a couple of dad’s cousins (maybe), I don’t know who would come to a memorial service. Especially with Covid. You can’t hug, or shake hands, etc.
I haven’t lived in my dad’s town for decades and don’t know who his friends or acquaintances are. His 2 closest friends died before him. I’d be relying on the obituary bringing in some friends or acquaintances.
His ashes are to be buried in another town with the family plot at a later date. Is it lame to skip the local memorial and maybe have a smaller family service when his ashes are buried? I’m so tired from family drama plus his hospitalization I just can’t think straight any more.
I was feeling like maybe I should have done more; like schedule a dinner gathering after but I’m so burned out. Been dealing with my dad’s hospitalization and bill paying since January, he passed in April. He had no spouse and I’m an only child so alone I had to get an attorney, probate his will, am dealing with clearing out his house and selling it and his truck to pay off his estate bills. I arranged for the memorial service myself and need to write his eulogy that I’m giving at it. I’m tired and hope everything turns out okay.
He was cremated and his ashes buried in the family plot near the town where he grew up - which he had left decades earlier.
I placed obits in his birth town paper as well as the larger newspaper where he had spent his adult years - so that those who knew him from both places would see the death notice.
You are not required to bend over backwards for his memorial service. Do what is most convenient for you that will still honor his memory.
Memorial ceremonies are for those left behind. They provide an opportunity to share memories, share love, and find closure. If you and your family feels the need to be more inclusive of dad's community, there are ways to provide simpler memorials. If dad lived in a residential facility, you could easily arrange for simple snacks in one of their meeting rooms so residents could have a "picture wake" (his pictures in the room with no service and maybe a guest book that residents could write remembrances or just sign in). You could also arrange for a virtual memorial where friends and neighbors could be directed to a ZOOM online site to view a memorial at a date and place of your choosing. Of course, a "graveside" ceremony with just family is always appropriate.
Whatever you do, ask close your close friends and family to help you. You need to be able to find peace in loving memories when the memorial is concluded.
I do not know if your dad had any military benefits, but you MUST notify Tri-Care of his death. Further if he had a military stipend--you **MUST** notify them of the death to stop payment because whatever they pay out after death they will want back. They eventually will find out. I am mentioning this now to save you heartache later. Now the funeral home is required to notify Social Security but I would call them just in case to stop payments immediately. The funeral home will only notify Social Security and that is it. NOTIFY THE BANK to help prevent fraud. Death is a huge mess! You also have to notify water and electric utilities. To add insult to injury, if they filed taxes, you have to do that too. A final one.
Social Security will not pay you a dime. You have to be their spouse or dependent child and they will send like $200 for help pay for the cost of funeral expenses.
Just to also let you know your father's debts are no longer your responsibility unless you co-signed something. So keep a copy of his death certificate. My mom owed a few thousand to the ambulance services because they charted incorrectly and I refused to pay anything so when she died years later they sent me a bill and I mailed them a photocopy of her death certificate and they stopped sending me bills. The fact they never got paid is their fault because of their irresponsible charting. So they can eat it up.
Money is for the living, and you are going to need a lot of it to settle his estate if he did not preplan those matters. It sounds like you were named the executrix of the Estate because POA ceases once they die. Put it another way--if family wants a memorial service, burial etc., ..let them pay for it.
The only thing that comforts me when my mom died is knowing her ordeal of life is over and is in a much better place, and the fact we all are going to die someday. So it will be out turn later.
Once a person dies, they are gone. What matters is how a person is treated when they are alive. I got my mom cremated without a service, because the "memorial service" is my unending love for her that I carry with me for the rest of my life.
My mom's ashes are in a cigar box that I bought on Amazon for $45. It is a humidor, very solid and high quality. Likewise my father in a similar box. Both in an antique cabinet in my home. I decorated the cabinet with flowers (artificial), and photos. You see a memorial need not cost you anything. What you carry inside of you is all that matters.
Sad even when one is dead, it's still expensive.
Aso we will do the same type of thing for my Mother, cremation and bury her with her favorite type of flowers, she loves lilacs. Also she has not spoken to her family in 28 years, this was a choice. But now with her LBD she still thinks her parents are living. (she is 92) I also do not know if her sister and brother are living. There has been no contact in 28 years.
The other option is to simply have a graveside service at the family plot.
Services don’t need to be planned for immediately afterwards.
Make it simple just like he asked. Family only can gathering for the ashes to be buried at a date further out.
As Covid declines, I will be having a Memorial Mass for my mom and her 4 sisters, of whom LO is the last survivor. Anyone who disagrees with my decision (I’m the poa/caregiver, the other poa lives 900 miles away) can pound salt, and I’ll be glad to provide the shaker.
Do what you need to do to avoid family drama and honor your dad exactly as how you believe he would have preferred.
Your responsibility, your call.
( who by the way don’t bother with my mom ) in the area. I’m thinking of definitely less than 10 people or even less than five would attend any type of service. I am not having a funeral for my mom... probably graveside gathering at burial.