I am ashamed to admit that I just lost it on my husband (Early Age Alz) for having "deliberately" peed all over the bathroom floor tonight. Actually lowered his Depends and let loose! I do SOOOO much for him, but he can actually do things himself. Toileting is something he has been mostly good at which is why my B_TCHY self convinced my normal self that he did it on purpose because he was mad at me!
Has anyone dealt with this guilt/anger/devil-on-my-other-shoulder feeling? I know he will forget the incident -- how do I?
You are missing something in what this disease is if you think that he would do this to you on purpose. And hey, I know you DON'T miss that; I suspect you don't miss a thing.
And I can imagine you DID lose it, because I would have entered the room and said "J. C., honey, what the H--- did you just DO!!!!" But ultimately I would calm and know HE didn't do it. The condition did it.
Of course there is a devil on the shoulder just waiting to loose itself. That's OK. There is NO ONE more forgiving than someone already in this condition.
Hon, when I had cancer and was getting chemo all those many years ago I knew what my new husband was going through ( maimed sick wife who could just die on him, and hey, this is what he chose for a new wife?) . And when I complained to him once about how I felt so bad complaining at all because I didn't vomit, all my hair didn't fall out, but my mouth tasted like copper pennies and I couldn't eat a thing and I was afraid. ...I began to cry. He said to me
"Why can't you just say 'This is so hard. This is really so hard'?"
So I will ask you his wonderful question:
Why can't you just say: This is SO HARD. This is just SO HARD".
You already know he forgot it. Good on you. One step more and you can forget it yourself. Just say it out loud.
THIS IS SO HARD! And now forget it.
(Though I never forgot his beautiful words to me that day; I never will.31 years ago. It might have been yesterday.).
You are not alone with this struggle, dear woman. Forgive yourself and move on. I'd like to say this will be the last time you'll lose it with DH, but it won't be. You're doing your best now, and you'll continue doing your best, even when you have your occasional moments of frustration and aggravation.
Allow yourself to be human. You deserve to be.
I woke up one morning to find my Mom had had explosive diarrhea. The toilet looked like it had thrown up. She had walked back to her chair and sat but trailed it out. TG it was a cheap area rug. We just thru it out. Had to clean up what I could to get her in the b/r for a shower. It took me 3 hrs with pinesol and bleach to clean it up. I was in tears. I hate anything to do with bodily functions. I swore if it happened again, it would be time for a home. Another time I had a small table behind her bathroom door. I went down to find she had done a #2 on it.
Its such a shame that our LOs have to go thru this indignity. They would be so embarrassed and ashamed if they knew what they were doing. It takes a special person to have the patience to get thru this. I am not one of them. And I pray that Mom never really heard me get mad at her.
Did you ever lose it before he was diagnosed? What did you do then...say you are sorry that you lost your temper. then he probably said..I'm sorry and you gave each other a hug, a kiss and went on with life...
Do the same thing now. Say you are sorry, give him a hug and a kiss. If he is anything like my Husband at this stage he would not hug back but I would on occasion get a kiss..and he loved to hold hands. So that is what I would do when I lost it.
The fact that he could not say he was sorry, the fact that he did not understand why I was upset probably hurt me more than me loosing it. And the fact that I probably frightened him made me even more sad.
Losing it is part of life, part of marriage if you did not love him you would not be upset with yourself.
Forgive yourself
As far as I know the last Perfect person was nailed to a cross ................
Even the smallest amount of help will make things easier for you.
Walks. Yoga. Stretching. Meditating. Good sleep. Healthy diet.
All of that helps you which will also help him.
Like you i tried to bear in mind that it was the illness and succeeded most of the time - good ironic sense of humour helped!
One thing my father did was expose himself - so I had to forward folk that he might. They were all very good about it. Every time it happened I would just calmly say “you’ve shown us before - put it away’.
it’s frustrating having to clean up - I can get down to floor level but have difficulty getting back up! My father used to pull his pants to one side and pee in the bed every night - as there were only 3 sets of sheets that fitted that special bed I was washing at 2am each night so that there was one on the bed, one drying and one in the wash.
Have a “pummel pillow” to thump and express your ire at - it’s great therapy!
There’s no reason for guilt - you are doing wonders - he’s already forgotten so just put your cross moment down to being a normal human being and move on - caring is stressful enough without feeling guilt over little issues.
i wish you all the very best
So, last night, I went to bed right after him rather than 3 hours later. Even though he still called me 7 times, I felt a lot better in the morning. I also called the doctor for a sleeping pill for him. Let’s hope ambient works! If it doesn’t, I’ll have to hire an aide a few nights a week for my own well-being. For me it’s about adjusting to make it work. Can’t change him!
I really have nother to offer except that "I get it" and your not alone! After all we are just human.
Hugs!!!