What can I do to make her understand she cannot live alone?

Margret 62, Many of the people on this site are boomers who are stuck caring "the greatest generation." They are the entitled senior brats we are forced to care for.

I am new to this site and to caretaking and I just can’t believe the stories I am reading here! What made the Boomer generation become so entitled? How and why do these elders impose themselves on their children without any guilt or consideration for anyone but themselves?

I refuse to do this to my children. They watch me slave over my mother but her “death” has gone on for years and I’m drawing the line now that she is bed bound. My kids wonder what they will be facing in twenty years with me and I promise them...not this!

I hope in twenty years Euthanasia is more accepted. Maybe you don’t agree, but people are kept alive at any cost, for any reason, way longer than they should. We need to learn to die with dignity. When I’m too sick to care for myself, I’d rather just go off into that good night with my dignity and pride intact and let my children continue on with their lives—as it should be.

Life is for the living.

Make a doctors visit for her to be evaluated mentally and physically, then shop for a facility for her to go to. The results of her doctor visit will determine what type of facility. She may get by with assisted living or she may need memory care.... If she cannot maintain the dog herself and or if it is a big dog, it will not be able to move with her. These are awful steps that will have to be taken and it will not be easy on you or her, but it is the only alternative to you moving in and giving up your life as you know it. I empathize with you. It is such an ugly stage of life.

She either needs an MD dementia evaluation or if she has one, someone needs to step in / become her POA. ... to make decisions she can no longer make.

* Often without legal authority, there is nothing an outsider, or family member, can do. It is heartbreaking that these needs aren't put into place before they are needed - so a person can 'jump in' when needed.

You do not need to 'explain' to us . . . nor make excuses (or reason(ing) to her. She will NOT listen to reason. This is a pitfall so many fall into. DO NOT ARGUE WITH HER. It will only backfire on you / your husband causing emotional, mental and perhaps physical upheaval.

* You may need to call agency re pet abuse due to inability to manage. She cannot be allowed to have an animal if she cannot properly care for it - even if a gold fish.

* Set your limits with her. After determining her dementia status / MD authorization of such . . . talk to her:
1) be matter of fact. "This is the way it is... "this is what I can (and cannot) do.
2) Do not argue.
3) She'll interrupt you. Ask her to hear you out; listen until you are finished.
4) Put everything in writing, show it to her after you speak out so she can see it in black and white. Leave for her to review.

5) Always give options that DO NOT require a "yes" or "no."
6) She'll ALWAYS believe she is right and perhaps ALWAYS believe she can manage on her own. This is dementia. She also may have a narcissist personality disorder. There is 'no reasoning' with her BRAIN FUNCTIONING. Once you realize this, you will be able to communicate with her as you will not have any expectations of how she responds, just, perhaps, hope.

Do not allow yourself to 'put a strain' on you or 'us' as you indicate. STOP. Set your boundaries and the chips fall where they may.

This is tough love for her and healing love for you and your husband.

Touch Matters

She is now looking at you as a replacement of your father and her husband. I can sympathize with both of you. That said, you have every right to feel as you do and I would ask her if she thinks you have a right to your own feelings and see what she says. Her independence has been mishandled by your father if he did everything for her. What is she capable of doing for herself? It's one thing to be the caregiver for an invalid who is incapable and another thing to be used by someone who simply acts helpless. She is being a bit selfish, putting what she wants above you and your husband's needs. This happens quite frequently but it does not have to happen if you are firm about your own wishes. I took care of my father who had dementia but he never demanded it. I stepped in only when I could see that he was not safe being on his own.

Go back to work. Let her figure it out.

JessicaNfl: You must cease enabling your mother as you simply cannot do it due to strain and decreased income.

How old is your mother, and what conditions does she have? You probably should place her in a care residence and get back to work, whether your mother understands your situation or not.

it's very difficult when parents or a family member needs care! our parents raised us and we now have to help them! it's difficult to help a stubborn person and mayabe your mother can live alone! what makes it diffucult? you cannot just drop everything to live with her, she will just have to understand that!!!! we go off and get married, have kids and have a job and a life of our own - but when you have parents living and eventually have issues, you any any siblings have to figure out what can be done - we can't just sweep our parents under the rug. i was one who helped my dad and now am helping my 73 year old stubbor brother! it ain't fun bu the love that you have for them is more than the aggravation of helping them. So you just have to disregard things she complains about (wear ear plugs) do what you can for her and let her live out her life in the house! that's what they want - i am 76 and that's what i will want.. take it from me. ok - i have seen my dad hate the nursing home which he himself wanted to go to so not to be a burden only to come out and go into an apartment to live out his life! give her that one happiness. it's no fun growing old and being a burden. good luck

Spend some time considering what you can do with your knowledge and skills to bring in more income. You can do more than just bedside nursing. I know, I am an RN too!

Ask any case management nurse friends to send you links to resources in your mom's area (or better yet, your area). If she is not mentally competent, have that doctor's appointment to establish mental competency and maybe referrals to physical therapy or neurologist to establish her physical/mental capacity. Set up care for her based on their evaluations - and get her insurance to pay for it.

I empathize with you. My family did live with my mother but she worked, was active and had an active social life as well as a thriving business. I helped with her business and social events but didn’t participate because the people visiting were her friends. The agreement was that after 14 years things would change. She told me the summer of the 13th year she was putting the house up for sale. I told her that was fine. Her house her rules.

My husband and I began looking for a house and while she was on vacation found one. When she returned, I told her that we had taken her comments to heart and found a house. She wanted us to cancel the purchase. I said that isn’t how it works. She was sorry she said anything. In hindsight, I am sorry the period wasn’t shorter.

Her house sold. She moved to independent living and really enjoyed it. At 80, she was still working for the state court system part time and enjoyed it. She traveled when she wanted and participated in the activities at the very nice facility in which she was living. Her apartment was lovely, full of sun and decorated with her favorite furniture.

It didn’t last. Within 2 years, she had pancreatic cancer and 2 weeks after diagnosis she was gone. It was just a few days before her 82nd birthday and not a year and a half living in her glorious apartment with the view and the sun shining in.

The big difference is that your mother needs help and wants you to move in. The answer should be a definite and loud NO. She needs more help than what my mother needed though my husband would have differed on that. On some things, my mother needed a lot of help but it was a bid for companionship.

I did not give up my career, nor did my husband and my daughter went to school. It was truly a multi generational home.

A nurse makes good money. I understand you have stopped at this time to help your mother. That is a huge sacrifice.

Your mother is at home alone and interacts with you mostly and a little with your sister. That isn’t much. She probably doesn’t get much exercise or other mental stimulation. It sounds rather lonely for both her and a bit for you and your husband.

As one commenter suggested, you and your husband need to evaluate what your needs are and whether you should be working to fund a retirement for yourself and to maintain your household.

Once you and your husband have decided on a future course, your mother must be informed that either people will be hired to come in and help her with her paying or that she go to assisted living. The pros and cons shot be presented. If she doesn’t want to hear it, then you will have to cut your time with her and let her sink or swim for a bit until she realizes what she needs to do. You can’t rush to save her.

if you decide to continue status quo ante, it will become onerous after awhile and she will become more demanding. More things will go wrong. If she ends up in the hospital, at that time you can say she can not return home nor can she go to your home and the hospital social worker will have to help place her.

First of all, is her paperwork in order? She needs to set up powers of attorney (POA) for medical and financial matters, a living will with her advance medical directives, a will if she has assets (car? house?). You have your own life, family and responsibilities. Your mother shouldn't expect you or your sister to give up your lives to care for her. She is an adult and if her mind is still good, she needs to look at her situation realistically and come up with a solution. Her basic options are having in-home caregivers or moving to a senior residence. Much depends on her finances. When looking at senior residences, look at continuous care facilities where independent living, assisted living, memory care, and skilled nursing are all on the same campus, and try to find a place near where the POA lives so they can visit often and oversee her care. Otherwise, she may have to make additional moves as she ages and needs more care. A social worker or senor care avisor can help explain her options. Then it's up to you to set your boundaries. Don't let her do a guilt trip on you. You are being a wonderful daughter and you and/or the POA will be overseeing her care and making sure that she is properly cared for. Your responsibility ends with making sure she is cared for, not necessarily doing the caregiving on a daily basis. Many people think assisted living is terrible. I don't. My mother was in an excellent facility with a caring and professional staff. She had advancing dementia and was well cared for. They fed her, did the housekeeping and laundry, arranged entertainment, activities and trips, the facility had a doctor and dentist that came to the facility, etc. And your mother would have people her own age around her. Also, when thinking about your own ability to handle your mother's care, remember that her health is likely to decline as she ages, and she may need more and more care. All the best to you, and your whole family!

Jessica,

Before your life becomes miserable, put your foot down nicely and tell your mom what you feel she needs. Let her know that you care about her and that you support her but you cannot continue to run errands for her and take time off of work. Don't be mean, but be firm. Let her know exactly what you can and cannot do, then stick to your guns.

Don't move her into your home. Help her find a nice senior community. What is hard today will be harder tomorrow. What she is not willing to do today, she will REALLY not be willing to do tomorrow.

Please take care of yourself, your marriage, and you're finances. Ask yourself what you would do in her shoes (and I guanantee you would not do what she is doing), and then ask yourself why are you doing something that she is unwilling to do. The more you give, the more she will take and the longer things continue along the path she wants with no regard for what is good for you, the worse things will get for you. You are the child, not the parent and you do not owe her your life.

I've spent two years trying to help my parents find a new way to live and support themselves (and they have plenty of money) but they refuse to do anything that they do not want to do. It is extremely frustrating and they are just getting older and sicker and all the problems that were there two years ago are now worse.
Take care of yourself and your husband. Offer to help her find a new home in a senior community. Don't continue on and hope that things will get easier, they don't. They just get more painful and the options become fewer.

Good luck and I hope you get good advice from the other people on this site. It is a really good website.

Hello, speaking as a 17-year 24/7 caregiver to my wife. My sweet precious wife got Multiple Sclerosis 1 month after we had just met 17 years ago. Every 6 months stage 4 progressive, show its face and take something. So, 17 years of fulltime caregiving I bring to the table here. Now, then let's look at the situation you mention.
First of all, I would like to encourage you and your husband, after all your husband is right "everything will be ok".
I certainly do not think your mother gets any power from this situation, actually it is the opposite. Your mother is faced with " this situation" just like you and your husband are. The only difference is " your mother " who had a fulltime caregiver "dad/husband" is now gone. Hats off to your dad, your dad took care of your mom as a caregiver, he sacrificed his life to take care of your mom. Your dad was a true "caregiver".
Thats the difference of choosing to be a caregiver like your dad, and what I call "forced caregiver". Any/all caregivers that is caregiver simply because ("no one else will") will most likely fail. Just look at all the questions/answers on this site. So much negative/bitterness/hatred/unlikable/selfish/demanding/expects me/honored one/ hope they die, and the like. These are prime reasons that should tell the person thinking about caregiving to "do not" be a caregiver.
It takes a special kind of person to be a caregiver. Just like nurses, some nurses can work in an emergency room, be around the blood/guts and some just can't.

Look at this/your situation from your mom's view. Mom lost husband/caregiver, and in grief over that, now is asking herself "what do I do now", and trust me she has no clue, no answers, no plan, no caregiver. Your mom is probably afraid of what "her tomorrow" will be. I think everyone on this site can agree that let the rug get pulled out from under us, we would all have fears in the back of our minds too.

Now having said that lets encourage you and your husband, there is light at the end of the tunnel addressing the/your situation. First of all, you and your husband need to sit down, with pen/paper write down and list all the issues that are pressing at the moment. Now, you and your husband need to have a heart-to-heart talk and discuss what you both can do to help mom. Now, discuss what am I/we willing to do? Then ask yourselves " Do I Want to be a Caregiver ".

Most of your concerns pressing issues is simply, you and your husband are faced with this situation, and neither one of you "know what to do" either. So now, let's discuss the "what to do". Now, that you and your husband know where you both stand in this, next both of you sit down and talk to mom. If your mom already receives help like Medicaid/Food Stamps, then your mom qualifies for many more services. The more information that you both have will save you a lot of stress.

If you both are willing to let mom live with you, then both of you ask your mom ("what if it was temporary") until we find a different apartment for you? Now. you both bought yourselves time, the stress meter will go down. What I did was contacted "Aging with Disabilities", they will make an appointment, this person is called a social worker, the State pays them. The social worker will file what is called a Medicaid waiver through your State.

The social worker will help you both get medical equipment that you need for mom. Once you make contact with the social worker, they will help you both figure out a plan of care for your mom. The social worker will provide you both with a packet, filled with information as to what your mom qualifies for, and is available to her. Once your mom is approved for the Medicaid waiver, then the resources that you both have will not affect your mom's benefits, to include State paid "rides to appointments.

Most cities have volunteers will come to your home, and visit/sit with mom.
Most Important, remember you both first, others second.

Hope this helps you

I read your post and though I was looking in a mirror. My stepdad passed in February. He and Mom had been married for 62 years. Mom (age 88) seemed to do well for the first few months after Dad's death; then all the demands on my time started (cooking, shopping, medical appointments, weekly rides to curb the loneliness complaints, etc.) I was fortunate, she had help with cleaning and her beautician came to the house once a week to care for her hair.

Where you have your husband for support, I had only out of state siblings. It wasn't until mom fell for the 3rd time in 2 weeks and couldn't reach her life alert for help on the last, did I have an opportunity to have her evaluated (for living alone) by medical personnel and social services. I explained to these medical individuals, physically I was unable to care for Mom by myself.

Once it was determined Mom could not remain alone, I had to decide "in-home care 24/7 or long-term care". Discussions with out-of-town siblings, resulted in Mom being placed in long-term care where she could have 24/7 care, but also outlets such as activities and other folks to communicate/visit with.

My story may not provide you with "your" best answer, but seriously consider an evaluation by medical personnel and social services. If nothing else, it could be used to help make a DIFFICULT decision less stressful. Know whatever you decide will still be hard and you may even feel some guilt.

STOP!!!

Many of us have been in your position so heed our warnings.

If your mother is already oblivious to her needs versus abilities, running you ragged, playing the “woe is me” card, and being selfish and inconsiderate, please consider hiring care or placing her. Moving yourself into her home or moving her into your home will fulfill her expectation of having you at her beck and call literally 24/7. While you may convince yourself that it’s a temporary solution, consider that you may be taking on that role until she is 100.

My mother (now 97) lived next door to us and we went through about 10 years of coping with her anger. The rages of the final 3 years here were awful. Nothing was ever enough. I had to wait for a crisis to get her assessed and placed.

Now she has no idea who we are but is content in a small care home. And I am enjoying being a wife and mom again, able to spend time with family and friends, without rages and threats.

You have your your own life to live. Look after yourself first.

Anger and intimidation. Intimidation and anger. This is what bullies do. Of course you're not going to move in with her! That should be stated loud and clear every day and multiple times. She needs to go to a care facility, however you can accomplish that. You and your family deserve your life back and she's beyond reasoning, so do whatever you need to do. I wish you luck.

I can definitely relate to your issues my dad was basically the same way except he hated people having to do stuff for him. I get the fact he wanted to stay home but it was definitely hard and I definitely felt like he was being selfish. He fell and got 2 brain bleeds in March which caused him to get cataracts on both eyes unfortunately then he ended up totally wheelchair bound. Him and my mother both refused to move out of there house that they have been in for over 50 years. I really thought it was unsafe place for him to live they have 3 flights of stairs to go up and down and the shower is in the basement. We had to make adjustments for him to stay there. He loved being outside which was difficult because he needed a ramp for his wheelchair and my mom refused to let us build one. I was going up pretty much every day to take care of both of them with cleaning laundry grocery shopping and whatever else needed to be done. I was usually there 6 to 7 hours a day. Even with the va providing assistance and what medicare was providing. I live 45 minutes away and on ssdi for my back so doing all the stuff for him was difficult. My sister works and would go by in the evenings and weekends. It was a relief to me when the va called my sister and told her that he needed long term care because I didn’t have to worry about the stairs anymore and my mom giving him his medicine because she has dementia so sometimes he got it and other times not. Plus she is a very mean person which it has always been that way. You love them but they also need to realize that you can’t do everything for them. I wish you the best

Geriatric Psychiatrist to evaluate and medicate if necessary.

Geriatric Psychologist to work with both of you as you venture down this new path with your mom in Assisted Living. Perhaps mom can come to terms that she will a need cook, maid, dog walker, handyman and chauffeur if she remains at home in addition to maintenance and repairs on her home OR move into assisted living where there are activities and new people to meet.............which offers opportunities to eliminate isolation. Let her see the financials and decide how she wants to live.

All you have to do is eliminate yourself from the equation.

This can be a very stressful situation. You have now joined the unfortunate group of adult children that is waiting for something bad to happen before change can occur. Inspite of this you need to make time for yourself and your family. I wish there was a magic answer but there isn't. Good Luck!

The question is “...to make her understand...". My answer may not fit but I would try the following first.

1) list the things you could spend time at her place to help her directly;
2) list the things you could spend your money to hire someone, because of.....;
3) list the things you could ask her to spend her money to hire someone, because of....;
4) think of some other alternatives;
5) clearly and nicely communicate and discuss it with her.

As far as I’m understanding, she refuses to do anything unless it’s according to her wants and needs…. Typical of the elderly.

My question to you, why are you letting her get to you?

Is she deemed medically of sound mind? If yes, her decisions are hers and hers alone to make. Even if they are the wrong ones.

I’ve learned a lot through caretaking elderly sick parents and the one thing I can take away is she someone doesn’t want the help that you can offer (within limits) then they can figure it out on their own.

I am no longer a puppet. If someone comes to me with a problem and I offer a solution and it’s not the one they want, the problem is now theirs and not mine. I have no problem wishing them luck and lovingly walking away.

Sounds like a very selfish person and that is a understatement.

It sounds like you keep trying to make her happy and satisfied which is never going to happen because that issue is where she gets her power. Everyone wants power. You need to get over your own need for approval and remember that her need to be demanding is not more important that your own marriage and general life. If you make choices that you think will satisfy your mom no one will be happy, not even her. So there are hard choices to be made and you must be guided by your brain not your guilt. If guilt rules you will be controlled by those who are the most demanding, not those who are deserving of your love and care. It won’t be easy because it involves transforming your own instincts to please in the name of peace. But that is a fallacy. It is not fair to ask the rest of your family to sacrifice for someone who is so difficult. Your mom isn’t accustomed to having to be adaptable so she is or will be angry. But there are worse things.

Stop enabling her by doing things for her. My mom was the same, we refused to move in more than 3 hours away. We did make sure she had food, the lawn mowed, ,bills paid.... She insisted she was living in the house til she died. She almost got her wish. We found her on a Friday afternoon on the floor and dehydrated. We pumped her full of fluids, loaded her in the car and took her to our house. SHE WAS HORRIBLE at my house screaming for the police because I was hitting her....( I was not). When she proclaimed she wanted to live anyplace but my house, she got her wish and is currently in a tiny, 12 bed assisted group home. Of course she hates it there...... Her failure to make a plan does not mean I am the fall back. Mom was never close to us or loving. My siblings will have not part of her.

Sounds like you’re just gonna have to make her. I’m so sorry because this is the most unpleasant part of caregiving I think. When the person has to start excepting care from another, they get resistant and resentful. They get mad at being helpless and there’s an internal struggle they go through and it happens to all of them whether they want to admit it or not. And it’s understandable; their independence is beginning to go and you have to be there for them whether they like it or not. So you do it just as lovingly as you can but you move forward through the protests. I call it a hill. There’s the beginning when you’re walking through the meadow and everything’s great then you wanna start climbing it and there’s a slight resistance but as you continue to climb yeah you’re gonna get a lot of resistance before you start going down the other side of that hill where they’ve accepted the fact that they need help, that this is the way it’s going to be. Try to let them have their dignity as much as possible in every little way that you can while you move forward doing what you have to do.

The Mrs. I was caring for I would say, was a nasty witch. She did lots of things to tick you off. But you know….it’s like someone said - to know her is to love her. So I gritted my teeth through the crap she was pulling and just continued to love her and eventually, years eventually, it got better. But your family, so that is a different dynamic, but I think- at least I hope - the principal can still be used. You might need a Power of attorney. Whatever you do, God bless you because you are her angel whether she looks at it that way or not and we will be here to support you. get involved in a face-to-face support group when you go down that road because you’ll need to vent to others, get support and share some dark humor about the job. It’ll really help.

I haven’t read the other responses yet so I’m sure much of it has been said but my first thought is she understands she can’t live alone she just wants it her way, who doesn’t. First her husband and now you are enabling her to get it her way, she doesn’t have to consider other options as long as you continue to do all the things that enable her to stay where she is without spending her own money. You now are working for her for free in place of working for an income so effectively you are paying for her to stay where she is.

Now that’s a fairly harsh way to say it and there are of course all sorts of intricacies here. The first being your mom recently lost her husband, the man who has been caring for her and perhaps covering for her for a long time by the sounds of it and a man who obviously loved her. She is grieving and very likely scared, scared of leaving her home, scared of being alone, scared because she has no clear plan and perhaps because she can’t process one. We often become paralyzed in our fear and grief and lash out as a result. Every time she is faced with her own mortality and her situation she just wants to ignore it so becomes demanding and angry in an effort to tap it down. As we age we tend to like and adapt well to change less and less.

You love your mother have a very supportive husband and want to help her through her grief and through her aging years, make sure she’s safe and happy, cared for. To top that off caring for people is your business so of course you instinctively put all that effort and then some into your mother. But maybe the way you are going about, the same way your step father before you did by eliminating any need for her independence isn’t the best way to help her right now.

Im not saying withdraw all your support but consider what you can do and what you can sustain, what you are doing obviously isn’t it. You need to work to maintain your household and plan for your future with your husband. Can you order groceries for pick up or to be delivered to Mom once a week? Can you or your husband come by and mow the lawn…what “chores” to maintain her household can you do without making your life revolve around her and neglecting the enjoyment of your own household? How many “regular” doctors appointments a month can you handle of hers? Personally I think someone attending these with her is very important. Could you or your sister really handle having mom move in with you should she change her mind and want to? Now start to wean away from the things you are doing over and above what you know you can long term even if it means they don’t get done. Offer other ideas about how mom can get them accomplished and the willingness to help her investigate them. But financially you need to go back to work again rite now and your profession is in demand is what you tell mom about why you can’t do this or that anymore. I wouldn’t drop it all at once but she needs to be weened off of dependency and into some independence. She can decide what she does and doesn’t want to do and you will know if she is or isn’t able to actually make those decisions. Rather than tell her what she can’t do let her decide and see what she can and cant.

I would make sure all the legalities are in order and I would “help” her take care of finances and medical stuff as the first most important thing on my list, these are responsibilities you and your sister could share too as long as you work together well since they can mostly be done remotely. Next on the list is attending doctor appointments and then household stuff because those are all chores she can hire others to do if necessary or if she doesn’t have the money she might get state help for. I think you both, you all, need to feel more empowered and able to move on rite now and need each other’s help and support in traveling this new road.

Please read all the advice given here. It is terrific and I have nothing to add.

Has she been evaluated for dementia? That would be first step. If she is found to have dementia, then you don’t “ask” her anything. You either have her placed in a assisted living facility or hire someone to take care of her.

Moving into her home to take care of her is a mistake. If you think you are unhappy now, just see how living with her works!

Its very sad that her life is about to change again after her spouse died, but that’s what happens. It won’t be easy, but you have to do what you know to keep her safe. Sounds like with her personality she won’t be happy with anything, so keep that in mind and don’t jump through hoops, because no matter what you do, she won’t like it. She is still mourning the loss of her husband in her own way. Her world is turned upside down and she is scared. Be as understanding and patient as you can, but again, you are calling the shots, not her.

If she doesn’t have dementia, then she either learns how to take care of herself of again, you are back to hiring someone.

Moving in with her will probably be cheaper for you, since your income has decreased. But will it really? Because you will pay with your sanity.

Your feelings of resentment are normal. My mom passed Mar 2020. I was her main caregiver and I felt a lot of what your feeling. Communication is important. Tell her that you will do everything you can to make her life comfortable BUT there are some thing that won’t work. Give analogies like ‘if your mother’ etc. I’m guessing your mom is in her 80’s-90’s and this generation is different from ours. Tell/explain to her that you love her but love your own family and husband just as much, maybe more because they are your future and she is your past. Thank her for raising you but now it’s time for her to to sit in the back seat. Be respectful but firm. Tell her if she wants to act like a brat you will treat her like a brat. “Brat” resonates with parents. Love and luck on your journey. Sabrina