I'm new here and came just to ask this. I need help. I'm newly 18, a junior in college online doing independent psychology research. My grandmother lives with my mom and me (she moved in ten months ago), and I can no longer deal with her. She has non-alcohol fatty liver disease, and I think she's in the advanced stages, but she won't tell us anything. She has ascites (recently drained 3 liters, and it built right back up) and gigantic hernias. She ignores her diabetes.
That's not the problem. If she were sick and talked to us about it, I could deal with that. She won't tell us anything; she guilt-trips my mom if she doesn't spend 100% of her time with her and explodes at me for not talking to her, which I don't do because she does this more when I talk to her. When she attacks me, it's often about my autistic behaviors or something I literally do not do. I don't know what I'm supposed to about that. She complains incessantly about anything we do and refuses to talk about anything other than her memories or things she saw that day. It is offensive to her if my mom and I discuss something abstract (e.g., politics, my research). She ignores us when we ask her a question, victimizes herself every chance she gets, and blames us for everything bad that happens.
She won't talk to us about her health and can't keep anything straight about it. She lies to her doctors. She overspends. She makes food and leaves the dishes everywhere, and then yells at us for doing it. Some days, she acts fine and is offended that we think she's not and then turns around and refuses to do something because she's so weak. It's like gaslighting.
Having lived through multiple abusive situations (with my father and a "friend"), I cannot handle this. It's negatively affecting my mental health. I'm scared I'm going to have another bipolar episode because I am constantly bombarded by manipulation.
What do I do? How can I cope with this?
I wanted to tell you that story so you know you're not alone with what you're going through. I was going to suggest to you what stilldealing did: to have a heart to heart talk with your mother and TELL her what you told US. That you are struggling mightily to cope with the situation you're forced to deal with at home. You say that you've spoken with gma about moving out but that nobody wants to 'pressure her'. How about YOU? Your home s/b a sanctuary and it's not. It's time for gma to move OUT or for your mother to do something to help you out here; help you with funds or finding a job to finance your own place, etc.
If you MUST stay in this situation, make your room your private retreat. Get headphones and earplugs and isolate yourself away from the nonsense. Refuse to engage in ANY of the drama gma is dishing out b/c you cannot tolerate it. Period. Put your mental health FIRST! Do you have a counselor at school you can speak to? Or an online therapist? That would be a good resource to look into; to speaking with a qualified professional who can coach you and guide you with coping mechanisms to help you deal with all that's on your plate right now.
Wishing you the best of luck with a very difficult situation. Sending you a hug and a prayer that gma moves OUT soon and that your mother does the right thing here.
Mom and I talked about having her spend a few weeks with her sister a state away because of this behavior. I guess the logic is if she spends some time away, she won't want to come back. She is so unpredictable that that might just work. We'll see what my mom tells me after my grandmother goes to bed tonight.
Thank you to everyone for your suggestions and support!
You say that your GrandMother is lying to her doctor/s. Her doctor can’t talk to you about her, but you can talk (or better, write a letter) to her doctor. State what you think are lies and what is the true situation, healthwise. Set out the difficult behaviours. State the effect that it is having on you and your mother. The doctor can check it, and it may change things.
Get yourself some good ear plugs, and use them. You then don’t have to listen to her all the time. Some ‘free time’ in your own head may help you in more than one way.
On this site we often have discussions about when ‘helping’ becomes disabling rather than enabling. It’s possible that your mother is doing this for GM, but also possible that you are doing it for your mother. Your post only mentions cleaning up the kitchen after GM, but there may be more. Caring for GM is not your responsibility. Is your support stopping your mother from seeing how impossible the situation is? Could you change that?
Can you do a little research on your GM’s health issues? From the sound of it, her problems are advanced, and she may not have long to live. If her life expectancy is quite short, can you give yourself a ‘deadline’ for managing? (sorry about the wording)
Your college should have a student support service, even though you may not be able to attend in person. Contact them, and use them as a sounding board as often as you need to. Don't rely on first year psych to work it all out, get help. (And my daughter's first year psych course seemed to be mostly about rats anyway)
Best wishes in a difficult situation, Margaret
You however need to now make a life for yourself. You should be considering moving on to school, or work and your first small apartment.
You should be now coping with your own life moving forward. That will be a full time job for you. If you have extra time assist Mom with shopping or appointments or even a respite away from the house.
You are at the very beginning of a life of your own. Don't give this time up.
Don’t let your grandma steal your light and cause anxiety and burden on you. You are to young and have to much to experience in life to be burdened at such a young age by ridicule and guilt.
Best of luck to you
Maybe you just need to walk away. Go to your room and lock the door. I would say that by not controlling her diabetes and toxins in her body its effecting her mind. Meaning she is having symptoms like Dementia. By not controlling her diabetes, her kidneys may not be working properly. She really needs to be evaluated by her doctor. Labs and tests.
If she is taken to the hospital and/or then rehab have her evaluated for 24/7 care. Your Mom can then refuse to take her home. Then Gma can go into LTC and Mom apply for Medicaid if Gma has no assets.
Always protect your own mental health!
Here are some ideas for you to contemplate:
You are 18, an adult.
Your parent's marital settlement agreement might have set guidelines and support to provide for you at least until you are 18. Congratulations! If that support continues while you are in college, it can be transferred to someone more able to administrate the funds for you to live independently and attend college. Use an attorney. It just is not true that you cannot move out due to a marital settlement agreement your parents have.
That support from ex-spouse would likely end if you were not in college, and/or not living with your Mom. Support that your mother receives, and controls. That in no way obligates you to live there or with your mom! A judge orders support for your benefit, not to force you into a bad environment or to be imprisoned or used as a caregiver to gma.
There may have been a special needs trust set up for you if you are on the autism spectrum and have bipolar episodes. You may need to live in independent supportive housing, with a trust administrator (other than mom). There are many choices open to you as an adult. Staying in this much of a stressful environment will not help you, and may interfere with your ability to live a more stable life. No one can order you to care for gma, nor should they.
However, do not burn any bridges behind you. That means, while you explore what is best for you, do not make an enemy of your mother. Learn to identify if she has a financial hold on you, using it to threaten or manipulate you to stay when that may not currently serve your needs. (She may be your best advocate, turns out.).
Unless you have been declared incompetent, even so, you have rights, possibilities open for you to thrive. Seek help from a Special Needs Trust attorney, make contact with other Aspies online, see what they are doing to be more independent. If a person has special needs, the goal is to encourage them to live as full a life as possible, while aiming for as much independence as possible. You may need to always be accountable to some good person, because handling your finances will be a struggle.
In the meantime, be at home as little as possible. You cannot afford to miss any meetings on behalf of another person's needs. And your concerns for mom's stress? It is hers to deal with. You cannot prevent it, just don't add to it.
Have a good life, you can do it with just a very little support!
The ideal situation is for your grandmother to move out. It sounds like she is trying to control your environment.
It is difficult to live with anyone who is manipulative.
You aren’t going to change her behavior. You can only change your reaction to it.
I hope your mom will become fed up enough to tell your grandmother that her days are numbered in your home and she will be moving into a facility as soon as it’s possible.
It’s a shame that your grandmother is this way. No one wants to be around a controlling person. They drive others away.
Wishing the best for your family and keep focused on your studies. Getting your education is your ticket out!
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