My mother legally separated from my stepfather (practicing alcoholic) (caregiver burnout mom can be mean to the closest person to her, so I'm learning) who then passed in 2014. A judge got her hooked up with a nonprofit guardian care facility where both siblings actually signed off the positions in a court document. That went well until 2019. The previous guardian was going to place my mom in an assisted living so I moved from my home into hers 257 miles south. My two siblings both live within 10 miles of mom's home. that year mom had suffered a stomach aneurism from the blood thinners she was on and the guardian in my opinion overstepped and placed my mom in an assisted living home in 2019 where she also suffered asymptomatic covid. I was left jobless in a since and moved back to my home. Mom insisted we hire an attorney and get her out. the plan was for all three of us to work together with my mother who has vascular dementia, the results of brain surgery in 2000, stroke 2018, and several seizures and bring her back home. In Feb. 2020 I was awarded guardianship, but the judge refused to award my sister conservatorship. (history of taking things from my mother's home). My brother didn't really want any legal part or paperwork but, 6 months later my brother was going to try to get a conservatorship, and I would support him. but backed out at the last minute so I continued the process. Now with both positions and my mother living with me, I'm trying to continue the plan, I moved mom to my home until I could get the care needed to move her back to her home. with covid going on the process is sooo slow I'm still trying to get her current assets caught up to her and apply for the VA (step dad was a nom marine vet) which still to this day are only handling emergencies, mom doesn't qualify for Medicaid. I had anticipated by this spring was ample time since I was awarded conservatorship in Nov. 2020 we are a bit past that. mom has other medical concerns that I'm working on as well. it seems everybody is still on unemployment and or does not want to work. I'm having a hell of a time getting companion care in place. mom doesn't seem to comprehend that she can't live alone. but yet I have to work so she is alone at times. The last two months have been hell. siblings are calling her, mom, of course, typical of dementia. wants to go home listing everything bad about me and her dislikes trying to get them to overstep me. they don't call me they discuss it with Mom and wind her up. an overheard conversation with my sister was to fight me and stand up to me, put her foot down and tell me what to do and how to do it. this resulted in mom getting really angry yelling and screeching at me. APS was called who? ( i was angry, upset, and feeling not good enough). what more can I do or what am I doing wrong all kinds of feelings were there, all was well with mom, and the case was closed. I feel that they should support the process of calming her and not making matters worse. neither are available for calls or return mine. last night my brother did the drunk call which I recorded as he insisted mom help him get me thrown into prision. when I leave for work he told her to call 911. then he also called the law 250 miles away and they relayed the message and the sheriff was here for a visit at 10 PM yesterday. their phone calls can and do upset mom as someone is threatening to put her child into prison as well as her drunk son the one doing it. I understand I can block their phone numbers but feel also that the law would be called even more often. it is in the best interest of moms' mental health to block them. but also would affect her mental health not being able to talk to her children. I have an appointment with the atturney tomorrow, it sucks they can't behave and help, dr prescribed depression meds for mom has helped on one hand but created others.
Just quickly, I am glad that you have decided against blocking your siblings' calls, at least for the time being when everything is already so at sixes-and-sevens. You're right, it wouldn't help and it wouldn't be the correct move ethically either, at least not at this point.
Okay, it's a long history with quite a lot of turns in it and a lot to think about.
What jumps out, though, is this. The court-appointed not-for-profit guardian did a good job that everybody was perfectly happy with for five years. In 2019, this guardian, knowing your mother pretty well by then, I'd have thought, came to the conclusion that she needed the structure and security of an ALF.
What on earth made you all assume that the guardian was wrong? Because your brain-injured, functionally deteriorating mother didn't like the idea?
What happened since then shows that the court is satisfied that you three children, all of you but especially you, have your mother's best interests and wellbeing at heart. You continue to show this by resisting the temptation (above), to make life slightly simpler by cutting out your sibs. Good for you!
To the outsider, it sounds as if you are ALL OF YOU allowing your mother - who cannot be held responsible for anything - to guide your beliefs and actions. Your siblings take her word for it when she complains and forget that there is probably no foundation to her complaints - they've lost touch with her day-to-day and lost sight of the reality of it. You are absolutely right to respect her wishes, but you can't take them literally or in isolation.
And meanwhile the three of you, who all want the same thing, have been set at loggerheads. If there is one thing to focus on, it's clearing the air among you. I know it would mean forgiving a heck of a lot, but can you see any way towards doing that?
I see where your mom has vascular dementia among other things and is left alone when you are at work. You feel that your siblings are interfering.
Please take a few minutes to seriously consider how you truly feel and then post your response to my questions. Answer honestly. I am not asking these questions to judge you. I am only trying to gather enough information to assess your situation.
Do you truly want to be your mother’s caregiver and guardian?
Do you feel like you had to rescue mom due to her failing marriage to your stepfather or to protect her from your siblings?
Is mom being in your home interfering in your life, especially regarding interfering with a job to support yourself?
How would you feel if you were in your siblings shoes and you knew that your parent was being left alone and was suffering with dementia and other issues?
Do you feel as it’s impossible to have a healthy relationship with your siblings?
What are the major problems that you have with your siblings? It sounds like you can’t trust them and they don’t trust you.
What was your objection to your mother being in the assisted living facility?
How long do you plan on having mom in your home? Dementia never gets better. It will only become worse, making it harder to care for her.
Do you really feel that you can hire help for in home care? Who will pay for this help?
Do not use your money to hire caregivers. You need your money for your own needs. Eventually, you will need 24/7 care which becomes too expensive for most people to pay. Facility care is cheaper and you have the benefit of a full time staff, meals, a shared social life with other residents, religious services, etc.
You sound extremely stressed out and unhappy. Caregiving is a tough job!
Your mom needs care. You obviously care deeply for your mom and I believe that you have her best interests at heart. The question is, do you really feel that your mom is receiving the best care from you in your home?
I am truly sorry that she got Covid in the facility that she was in. I am glad that it was asymptomatic and that she is okay. Don’t allow that experience to stop you from placing her somewhere now.
If you wait until your mom is accepting of going into a facility, you may be waiting until he** freezes over. Focus on what is best for you right now. She will adjust to her new circumstances.
Her days of independence are over. You will always be miserable trying to work at a job and monitoring her care, not to mention sorting out issues with your siblings.
I am very sorry that you have found yourself in this situation. I hope that you will find a viable solution soon. You deserve a life of your own. You have to work to support yourself. Sadly, you bit off more than you can chew. Speak with a social worker about solutions for future care for your mom.
Best wishes to you and your family.
All 4 of you are so entrenched in drama.
Have the THREE of you considered seeing a mediator, with the end goal of focusing (FOCUSING) on your MOTHER’S NEEDS, developing a cohesive plan among the THREE OF YOU, then FACILITATING THE PLAN?
Is your present situation making ANY of you content? Are ANY of you willing to AGREE on ANYTHING? Has your mother FORMALLY been diagnosed with a cognitive deficit that CURRENTLY renders her incapable of dealing with her own circumstances?
Have you considered that your mother may, right now, be incapable of expressing reasoned, fact based, objective opinions on her own behalf, regarding her own care?
Do ANY OF YOU REALIZE that by continually infighting, you are making it impossible to arrive at any kind of peace for your mother?
You are obviously a devoted child and good person, but if your devotion and sincerity and kindness aren’t getting ANY OF YOU ANYWHERE specifically in terms of your mother’s immediate care needs, WHY NOT TRY SOMETHING ELSE?
If things were peaceful under the management of the (court appointed?) ORIGINAL GUARDIAN, what makes you think that THAT person “overstepped”?
If THAT situation worked FOR FIVE YEARS………
Please re-read what Countrymouse has written. Then re-read what NeedHelpWithMom has written.
Stop beating yourself up, stop assuming that your mother is capable of being the agent for her own care, and find a mediator for your mother’s THREE CHILDREN.
Hoping that you will be finding a little light at the end of this tunnel by doing so……