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My mother tries my patience on a good day but I usually manage to stay calm....failing that I go to my car or garage and scream
Today is a scream day. Firstly she doesnt want me to go out this afternoon for something I have had planned for 6 months. I will be out 90 minutes and providing she goes to the toilet before I go and they lays on the bed no harm can come to her.

So 10 minutes after me reminding her we were having lunch at lunchtime she decided to soil herself royally, followed by the words you cant go out if I am like this all day. Now if she hadnt added those words they would have come to me all on my own but BECAUSE she added them I started to wonder.

Then she said she felt sick and didnt want any lunch - but when I came in very quietly (OK yes I was spying) there she is stuffing her face with biscuits and cake which I leave by her side. She has been awake just over 4 hours and I have been in to speak to her chat wash clean her soiling clean the room 14 times which I think is pushing your luck really.

So what has she just done? Asked for coffee so I made her a latte just as she likes it and she now wants sugar in it - has NEVER taken sugar in anything. Then there was too much coffee in the cup - its dispensed mum it is always that amount.....well its too much Ive always thought so

I could see her fidgeting so I said lets get you across to the commode mum. I dont need to go there ...well I think you do... wasnt gonna happen. I came back in 5 minutes later and despite her reluctance I got her up and here we go again she wet and soiled herself in front of me. You wont be able to go out this afternoon you'll have to ring and cancel.

As I count 1 to 10 and find it needs to be 100000000000 I count to now.
Hmmmm OK lets try my theory. I went out of the room and 'made' a phone call. I know she could hear what I was saying because I was stood right by the door and I spoke louder than usual. When I finished my call, I waited a while then went back in. And what did she say. I feel much better now you could have gone after all

I havent told her yet but I havent cancelled I spoke to the phone not to anyone the other end so at 5pm I AM GOING OUT SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM

Whats your screaming point?

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Myownlife...good suggestion but not needed right now. Have learned to usually ignore him when he decides to turn into a horse's patoot and just keep on with what I am doing. As to the lock...my study door does lock but no need for it. (smile). He has gotten better but still has some rough times though they are fewer amd farther between.

Y'all have a great night!
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Hi Sue...Thanks...I try my best. I figure I can't control his actions but I can control mine and let him know when he has crossed the line. I love the old saying of you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink. Sure fits.

I am curled up in my study right now reading and responding here and working on my painting. Am very relaxed. (smile)
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dusti, I hope your study is sound and vision-proof and lockable with only your key!!!
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Dusti,
BRAVO for you!!!

I remember your first post about should you be firm with him. We all said "YES" and you took the bull by the horns.

I'm so proud of you for standing up for what you believe and setting boundaries. You really DO have the power!

You know you need to take care of yourself and he can't say you can't go.
Tell him it's in HIS best interest if his caregiver is at her healthiest.

You sure can't force somebody to do what you want them to do, but YOU can do whatever you want to do......and you're DOING it!

Again, BRAVO! 👏🏽👏🏽  👍🏽
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Hi...Y'all are smart using the garage as a sounding board. Phoenix...my issues are similar but different and not quite as bad. My honey is a sweetheart to everyone else but is getting back to being a horse's patoot again.

My honey doesn't have dementia or alz that I know of but has turned into a horse's patoot. We had a come to Jesus meeting before he came home from rehab after he threatened me. (all weapons are locked up..I have only access). He has been sweet as pie up until the last few days. Wanted me to put off my eye doctor appointment said couldn't afford it and he was not paying for my eyes (haven't been in 5 years and when I went I found out I have secondary cataracts forming with one eye needing surgery in the next month), wanted me to put my primary care doctor off (haven't been in 2 years)...next will be my cardiology appointment that comes up around September. By the way I make sure he gets to his doctors once a week or every two weeks and am here when visiting nurse and rehab comes in. He is trying to turn things around to where I wait on him hand and foot again....not working. So now he turns his head slightly away from me and mumbles...Then when I ask him what he said he starts in about my hearing. He is doing his best to make me think I am crazy. Ugh!!

He wanted a shake from a fast food place today and I reminded him about the sodium (he has CHF and currently his edema is returning). He blew up and got derogatory and nasty and I resigned as his caregiver. Told him he 66, he feels competent to make his own decisions (I have been his caregiver of 13 years); it is on his head. When I went to go get his shake as soon as I pulled out of the garage I turned the music way up and screamed. Darn that felt good. I will fix his meds, help him with his IV but what ever happens as far as the edema and CHF...it is on him. I am done. When he starts getting severe swelling again I am calling 911 and they can take him back to the hospital. I am going back to being his significant other (we are not married...period...not even common law though we have been together for 30 years). I am done fighting with him. I will not lift on him again, nor listen to the constant pity party he has going on. I still love him... I am just tired. Until there is a need for the POA that I have to kick in the decisions are his. There is a lot more to it (see "how do you handle downright mean" but this is just a brief summary here on this thread). Let's just say I spend a lot of time in my study working on my paintings which is my sanity saver.
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I really don't know how people can take care more than one TODDLER!
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My husband keeps about everything his eyeglasses, phone, his shaver and few more....
ayayyyyyyy. when he looks disheveled, how about a shave.....I dunno know....how come you are wearing your glasses, I cannot find it...…..it has bee a few days, have not his phone, by now it needs recharge …..barely on...….
he is not at an alarming stage of dementia but, he looks awfully cute !!!
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My scream moments usually depend on my fatigue, but I am gradually finding ways to avoid the anger-not that I don't feel it, but I know now that his nighttime sundowning is the most frustrating, though him asking crazy questions about money and accusations of my spending HIS money is a close second. He is convinced that his retirement check should be all his money to spend as he chooses. I have shown him the computer list I have created of our monthly bills over and over, but he does not understand it. When he keeps getting out of bed, sure that he will be murdered in the night, or wants to be taken home, or "didn't get dinner", I struggle to stay calm, and well, sometimes I lose the battle. The buttons being pushed begin to turn red and my last nerve is so frayed.
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lastwoman, I think that is essentially what I'm most often dealing with. Except
the vultures are far flung family or "friends" who don't really help but get
very very close very fast, and then start asking for "gifts" that they would like when he
dies. It's so weird and inappropriate and my dad goes along with it because he enjoys
their over the top flattery and gossip. They have caused so many problems over the years, and ironically he has dashed their hopes for quick pay out because he's living past
their expectations (I've been told so many times now how long he has to live, so bizarre)
I deal with their hostility and criticism and chaos from getting him riled up about one
untenable unsafe plan or activity or another. Or unsound investments. Being POA
can really suck.

I feel sad that people are like this. And often it's over pretty small amounts of money
or money that is clearly still needed for care. :/
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If your at the screaming point you need help ASAP. You are at code RED.
If you get sick, have a nervous breakdown, heart attack or stroke, how can you be a caregiver? You are passed the point of needing help. STOP IT.
Get help. Call your county of aging. They have resources, call an agency, family members.
As for reminding your loved one you have an appointment, over and over don't. They obviously know how to manipulate you into not going. They are going to perseverate on it. I'd tell them after the temp care taker is there, and they are watching tv. Have that person say you will be right back. If they keep asking, have them redirect, change subject. Do an activity they can handle. A movie or something. Why tell them you are leaving to go somewhere knowing it gets them upset? Like toddlers, you get them redirected on something, then quietly leave.
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Honestly, my scream moments have to do with family members. Everyone has heard it all before… When there is money involved, people who didn’t come around much in the past suddenly start coming around a lot more. They want to “visit“. This means that my home is a revolving door with visitors coming and going constantly. I like the visitors who come and bring food. A lot of them bring food even for us the family. But a lot of people come and just hang out, look at their iPhones, and never really talk to my mom. But they seem to just want to be there, as if to stay in the loop. I’m not a mind-reader, but I often get a gut instinct that’s dead on. I feel that some of the visitors are attempting to stay close enough to “pick the bones of the dead”. When we first started with hospice, the chaplain warned me of the “vultures”. He said every family has them and to watch out for them and not to be afraid of setting very clear strong boundaries with people like this. But I have to say, I’m already in the hot seat and I’m an easy target for blame and resentment because I am my mothers power of attorney etc. It’s so interesting to me how people who feel guilty, sooth their guilt with resentment and blame, rather than trying to be of service to those who need it in such a precious and trying time of life.
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Lostinthemix, I've lived with a number of family members who seem only sensitive
to their own needs. They lack empathy. Depending on how demanding or even
abusive they are, it's the hardest thing to deal with. I'm great in emergencies, can
handle crazy stress, but throw a person lacking empathy into the mix, I start to shut
down.
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Again, it's not the mil, it's her son, my husband, that brings me to my screaming point. He is so insensitive when it comes to anyone but him.
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When the facility tells me mother needs a medication refilled, I bring it and then they tell me ANOTHER medication needs refilling!!!!!

Can't they inventory all the medication at the same time? Aaaahhhh!
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There are decent facilities. And if you're on top of care team, they will do a decent job.
And there can be good parts and not so good parts of any facility, even decent ones.
Makes sense to get on a wait list or two when time comes near.

And I agree with you Myownlife, it does seem like codependency to me too. Especially when caregiver starts neglecting his or her own health and only thinking about parent or
relative's care. You can literally kill yourself in caring for another. And even if you don't harm your health, you can leave your life unlived. I don't think any parent or LO would
want that for their child/LO. I think it's important to keep that in mind. Mentally unhealthy people on the other hand......Their demands for super care are unrealistic and
often inhumane. No point acquiescing to that.
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Mine isn't a screaming point, just a sudden moment of realization that the relationship of caregivers and LO can be much like the co-dependence with those with addictions.... i.e. wanting to do the best by caregiving our LO's, but maybe not knowing when to let go, and let them be taken care of by others (i.e. nursing homes). I took care of my husband when he had cancer and then died at home.  And then I tried my best to take care of a 2nd husband through his bipolar and alcoholism, but barely was able to climb out of that hole 15 years ago. And although my mother is my mother, I cannot go through that type of co-dependency again.... and when the time comes, I pray I have the strength to have her go into a facility.
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My screaming point was when my MIL who we care for and my hubby has DPOA for tells us that she is changing her doctor appointments and has instructed her doctors NOT to speak to us because we are liars. She has dementia and hubby is trying very hard to take care of her needs.
She pushes back hard which is understandable as she believes she should be in control even if she can't remember to bath...
She did cancel an appointment in which she was going to have her meds renewed because she wants a different doctor.
The screaming point?
I just went out to the woods and did a scream or two.
Then I came back in and called the clinic and got her meds extended.
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@sunnydayclouds yes, I wish I'd known about this site years ago. It's crazy how
quickly it gets complicated. Incontinence issues alone could fill pages :/ . I feel
like my head is filled with facts I can never really use except for direct care or perhaps
speaking with other caregivers. I mean who really wants to talk about the pros and
cons of various brands of adult diapers?!
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Bettina and Mally1 No one could EVER know what's involved when you're the one doing everything. I could never have dreamed what "everything" entailed. There's a new surprise every day -- things that have to be taken care of that you would never have dreamed would be necessary. Thank goodness for this site so that we can at least share and get support from others who might be experiencing some of the same things.
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"Ya hadda be there", and they weren't, so they will never believe you (how aggravating!) and never appreciate you. Now, if he's in AL, maybe you can sit back awhile and see who comes to see him and does what for him.... it will all become self evident. Vindication? Not likely, but who knows? LOL
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sunnydayclouds, Yes! My Dad likes to gossip, play the victim, (I think he'd like me
to just live under his bed!) and folks add fuel to the fire by criticizing me and treating
him like a victim. For example, on one hospital visit, I basically lived at the hospital
as he was in ICU for weeks. He also had to move into AL, so I had to coordinate a move, a stint in rehab, dealing with insurance, doctors, a couple incompetent RN's that almost cost him his life, yadda yadda. Although a few folks made the trek out for short visit, they did nothing but chat. Yet they felt they could chide me for "finally showing up!?" It was surreal. I was basically jogging down the hospital corridors trying to catch
dr's, surgeons, etc eating out of vending machines, coordinating a move of 20 years of
hoarded stuff and I was either scolded or asked how I was enjoying my vacation??!!

Since my Dad feeds off drama, absolutely adores being the center of attention, he'd
never correct them. Perhaps even complaining that I was loafing. I seriously injured
my back transferring him during this time of "loafing". It was honestly really insulting.
Screaming point for sure!
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Bettina, I'm not sure I fully understand your answer, but love the last sentence, "either show up daily to pitch in or shut the heck up." That addresses my latest screaming point. Everyone wants to come to the party, but no one wants to do the work. Soooooooo aggravating.
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Screaming point are all the folks who do f@# all, but cause drama and
then heap on advice, criticism, etc. Yes, my father encourages the dramz
with his incessant gossip, but wth?? Are you going to take the daily phone calls
about his bms, and various lost items, health crisis etc. Either show up daily to
pitch in or just shut the heck up
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As caregivers we stop allowing ourselves to be human...We are super heros because many of us balance families and even careers as we care for our loved ones....On one of my days of wanting to scream, cry, and curse all at once for something that sounds oddly similar to your story...a friend complimented me on taking care of mother...Of course at that moment I didn't feel very complimentary but she told me that I was a good person for taking on such a huge responsibility because I just was and not because of how it made me feel sometimes...
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Dear Robinson,

I'm so sorry, I know how frustrating it can be. Please know we are with you and understand.

Hope things are better. Thinking of you.
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Hurray for you 🍷👍
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Sorry Robinson1958,
I feel your frustration.
I wish there was something to say to fix it.

Maybe a screen in the toilet?
Toilet lid locks (they have them for little kids).

Take a deep breath, have a nice glass of cab, put on your favorite music, say a prayer and remember
tomorrow is another day.

Bless you.
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Mom throwing food in the toilet. Just bought new toilet. Screaming as im typing. Cant take another day. I give up.
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K2- Hang in there. Will be praying for your. It is a horrible disease for patient and loved ones.
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I'm dealing with my husband who has dementia. I hate to say it but sometimes I lash out and say something to him, most times I take it and go talk it out with my cats. This is a horrible disease for both patient and caretaker.
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