What is your screaming point?

I love Veronica's suggestion about replacing soiled items with exact replicas, but since only family does the shopping and has access to money, there are no duplicates of anything. The kicker is, for everything important that she forgets, she can remember what color towel she has been using and gets upset if she finds out it's been put into the laundry basket. Good luck to us all today. I'm thinking of you all.

Agreed, Thisishard. When you're a hired caregiver, you're held to a higher standard. I can already hear the criticism if you let things slip. You have my sympathy for having a difficult client.

Good suggestions, just not feasible in this type of situation. Her clothing does get visibly soiled from spilled food, bathroom mishaps, etc..Visitors do have to use glasses, silverware etc. She has physically handled other people's food, glasses and plates (trying to help) after having her fingers in her nose. That puts not just herself, but others at risk. As just an employee, although I would love to just take charge and do it, it sends her into what almost looks like a full blown panic attack. She had accused me of making her feel like she is dirty because I wanted to do some very basic things around the house., such as running the vacuum. Again, as an employee, my hands are somewhat tied. I just would never want the company or family thinking that it is laziness on our part. I prefer going into the bathroom with her so I can remind her about proper wiping or do it for her, while following her yesterday, she slammed the door in my face. You're right though, we must choose our battles, I'm just trying to keep her (and us) clean and reasonably healthy.

I would choose your battles. Obviously hand and genital area are essential but i wouldn't worry too much about rinsing and reusing the glass as long as it is for her own use.
As far as changing clothes is concerned, realistically how dirty do they get? Replace her underwear when she takes them off at night but as far as the rest are concerned as long as they don't smell and not visibly soiled let her be. Put out a clean washcloth identical to the one she has used and screw it up and ;eave in the same place she tossed hers.
Not too much you can do about potential UTIs as long as she is cleaning her self after suing the bathroom. She probably wipes from back to front. Perhaps the family would install a bidet. she might actually enjoy having warm water squirted on her privates.
She obviously does not listen to anyone as you say the family tells it to her like it is. Don't ask her about the laundry just pick it up and do it. Let her rant but don't join in. Just walk away and do the task.
Alternative find another job, there are plenty out there for good caregivers.

Today's screaming point, fighting me on everything that has to do with cleanliness. I'm a paid caregiver and it is my job to not only take care of her, but the household chores as well. She believes it's ok to wear clothes five and six times before washing, use and reuse washcloths that have lord knows what all over them, thinks it's fine to just rinse out a glass and not wash it , and would never wash her hands if it weren't for constant reminders. I have to gear up for a tantrum when I suggest that I should do laundry. You would think I was asking her if it would be alright to start a meth lab in her basement. Sorry for the rant, but the more we try to keep her clean and healthy, the more fighting that occurs. Her family tells it to her like it is, but they're allowed, we obviously are not. They also know how she is and have our back. It's just that her habits lead to UTIs and just a general feeling of yuck for everyone else.

Ohmeowzer sounds like you are getting verbally & physically abused. A slap & the trauma, not good. Be careful.

My brother's behavior, with me, from day 1 has been a concern. I was told it wouldn't change, worsen if anything. As the disease has progressed it's still unpredictable. I hear, "No," to requests or am ignored. Everything is "Ouch," in helping him. He isn't like a terrible 2 toddler, more like a unruly teenager. I watch 24/7 when I am helping him. Outings alone & me transporting him is a challenge to be avoided.

What do we do with behavior concerns? Most of us keep trying to manage it, remind ourselves of our learnings. Anything can happen quickly, a surprise attack, cause we are trusting still. We must be on guard. We hate the thought of over meds even if suggested by professionals. We hear & know the reality, facilities won't put staff & other patients at risk. I get it, meanies are a concern, no matter the reason.

Try to remember to not respond to verbal outbursts; ignore them, walk away, don't give ammunition. If you are assisting be on your guard, as much as you can, if need be a time out is ok, anything will be waiting for you. You won't win battles.

Caregivers seem to be forgotten about. I know others wonder why we keep on keeping on? That's another topic. Stay safe & take care of you. Blessings 🌸

Today my mother who can stand and walk was getting on the toilet and decided I should lift her ..she said lift me ..I said I have Psoratic arthritis and I I'm on meds and you can stand and walk ..stand up and she smacked me in the face ,..lovely ,,I'm a rehab nurse too I turned her wheelchair out of the bathroom and told her to get I. Bed she yelled I was trying to kill her ...I
She got up and got in bed ....

As a nurse, I've had my share of injuries from patients. The back seems to be the most susceptible and I've had at least a couple of back sprains in 38 years.

Dorothy, a nurse I worked with 37 years ago, had a patient fall on her. She had back surgery and went back to work. With her very bad luck, she had another patient fall on her and wound up in a wheelchair permanently. I never forgot that.

Hubby had to quit his job last year at the airport, due to two back injuries after lifting heavy luggages. He's overweight and is getting older. I badgered him with Dorothy's story until he gave in and agreed that no job is worth loosing your independence.

Thank you, Blessings4ever, I will have to check into the possibly of recruiting a caregiver from the facility or from a home care agency to go with me. I'm not a kid anymore and have a history of back injuries. The last injury took me two years to recover.
I realized on this trip how frail my mom is. She is not mobile anymore and I wasn't aware of how far she has declined. She has grown too weak for me to be "transporting" her alone. She's 94 and may only have a couple of years left. I'm 60 and possibly have 20+ years left. I'd like to be on my feet through all of them!

We bite off more than we can chew out of love for our family members. We think we're invincible or we "play the odds" or just "hang in there" because there's no one else who can help. We've got to watch out for ourselves so we that we have a future too. I hate setting limits for myself but you can't be an invalid caregiver.

Oh My goodness! God Bless all of you "transporters." Really I don't think I could handle what I'm hearing & know I would probably end up hurting me, then what? No one to back up my caregiving to my brother.

Seriously though there is such a risk of hurting yourselves, especially after a surgery or a back concern. Just putting it out there, but is there not an aide for hire or a professional med team for these treacherous excursions? I really don't think it is healthy or safe to do what all of you are doing, alone. I do commend all of you though! I know we just do, instincts taking over.

As my brother's ALZ has progressed he is, as always, resisting to get up for me more than ever. Yes I know this is the d*** ALZ at work as well. He is not understanding if I reach out my hand to help him, I've tried, down I would go for sure. He also stiffens his legs, so, I am unable to put them on a ottoman or stretch them out on the couch for his comfort. He wants to stay in 1 position 24/7. Keep in mind he is still ambulatory, able to walk, handles stairs & steps. He will get up for others with no problem. He is able to get in & out of his bus that comes everyday, no assistance needed. Me & my car a challenge. I can't help but think is there not behavior issues going on here? Any feedback appreciated!

Just all of you please be careful & stay safe. You & your health matters too. I know we do so much without even thinking, it's got to get done we say. It's ok to think of you! Blessings 🌸

CRISMSHERMAN, good thinking, using the hair clip, we caregivers can be quite ingenious!

Sue, I totally get you, about the transfers to and from the wheelchair! While my parents did not have Dementia, my Dad did have a very dificult Neurological/Autoimmune disorder, and in the end stages, my Mom had a Cancer that had spread to her pelvic bones, eroding them, and causing her severe pain, especially with every movement. One car, two disabled folks, who both needed the one wheelchair that could fit in the car, Grrrr!

My poor sister had both my folks living in her MIL apartment off of her home, and while they were both fairly healthy and mobile when they moved in, quickly began down the road to total disability.

On a good note, my parents were lovely people, always appreciative and all, nonetheless the frustrations were very real, in taking care of them!
Same sister had a major back surgery, and (like you), was told not to lift, and even though all 5 siblings were often there to help, there were obvious time when she was there alone with them and all that goes out the window when your LO is about to fall, and you think you can prevent it. Needless to say, her back surgery was complete failure, due to her overworking and doing too much lifting, try something she might, it's easier said than done!

We even had COPES Caregivers in, to help with our Dad, and 4 weeks post her surgery, she felt pressured to become a paid COPES worker, as they told her "you are doing the work anyways, you may as well be getting paid for it", a pittance salary, if you can even call it that, but she did it, out of devotion to our parents and their preference to have a family caregiver.

All 6 of us kids chipped in to help a lot, so it wasn't unusual for us to transfer one parent into to building via the wheelchair, and then come back and bring in the other, and then back out in reverse.

So Girl, I hear ya, and understand your frustrations! You hang in there!

It's almost funny sometimes. We were transporting my 82 old year mother (who had a stroke) from CT to MD. She's incontinent and uses a walker. When we stopped to use the restroom on the Jersey Turnpike, I managed to get her into a bathroom and she locked herself in and couldn't get up off the toilet. After thinking I would have to crawl under the neighboring stall, I took a barrette out of my hair and opened the lock on the door. I had to hoist her up from the toilet and adjust her depends while we were both in the stall.

Oh, Lordy, Sue. I think we need a group scream for that one. Glad you're still with us and still sane. 
:-O

I was just reading through a few old posts.

Daughterof1930, I'm so glad you brought up how difficult transporting a dementia patient is, or even just an immobile senior. I've been there, done that and NO ONE but a caregiver understands.

A typical day;
I just took my 94 yr. old (stage 6 Alzheimer's) mom to get her cast off and for a doctor's appt. I just had "female" surgery a few weeks ago and was told not to do any lifting. I already broke that order when, 2 weeks after the surgery, Mom fell and fractured her wrist.
Today I get her in the car. She's complaining that she hasn't had a BM in weeks! Two minutes down the road, "I have to poop." "Sorry Mom, you've got to wait." It's a long drive and she comments about that multiple times. (Like a kid, "Are we there yet?")
We stop for lunch across the street from the doctor. Lifting her in and out of the car is a challenge, standing her up is an even bigger feat. Mother is quite theatrical, so she screams at every little twist and turn. It looks like I'm abusing her but, actually, she gripping my arms so tight that she leaves bruises. I finally maneuver her into the wheelchair and she starts complaining how uncomfortable it is. The pillow is put behind her back. We get a hamburger. I wind up having to cut it in bite sized pieces after her unsuccessful attempts to hold it. I put each bite on a fork. She lifts the fork and eats it but opens her mouth like a baby bird for the french fries. She's finally done and off to the doctor go. When we transfer to the w/c, she's too hot in the sun. I explain that we'll be in the air conditioned medical building in a minute. "Just let me get you in there". Then the questions about her purse...."no mom, we left it at the facility." "Are you sure? I always take my purse with me." "Yes mom, I'm sure." Then she reverts back to, "I'm too hot!!!! I'm going to faint." I try to remember to take my purse and lock the car door and quickly get into the building. "Oh my God, it's freezing in here!!" "Well, you just said you're too hot." "Now I'm freezing." This is said in a loud voice because she's hard of hearing and figures everyone else is too. Everyone is now staring our way. "What are we doing here?" "We're getting your cast cut off, then seeing your doctor." "Can't we just go home?" "No, you want your cast off, don't you?" Mumbling. Two minutes later....repeat above conversation and repeat, repeat, etc.
"I have to go to the bathroom." We go and I have the same difficulty getting her up like from the car. I wipe her and get the Depends back up and her back in the w/c. I'm trying not to strain so as not to undo all the surgery they just did. She can't stand on her own. What my choice?

She's screaming bloody murder when the cast is being cut off, even though there is no pain. I try to calm and reassure, not working. She gripes about it for 5 minutes. I try to distract her by saying she gets to meet her new doctor now. "What do I need to see him for?" "So he will take care of you in the future." "I can't hear what you're saying" (said screaming). "Please lower your voice, I can hear you." "I want to go home!!" We get into the doctor's exam room and she says, "I have to go to the bathroom." "No mom, you just went." "We'll I have to pee this time." "Well, you're going to have to hold it. The doctor will be here in a minute." "I want to go home." Aaaah! Next to the bathroom to pee, repeat transfer scenario.

Finally out of the office and to the pharmacy (fortunately same building). "What are we doing here?" "Picking up a prescription." "Why is it taking so long?" "We just got here, we have to wait our turn." "I want to go home.." I leave her in the w/c 10 ft. away from me while I stand at the counter paying for the medicine. She tries to get up. I drop everything and run to tell her not to move. Then I wheel her right next to me. I got the medicine and back to the car. More blood curdling screaming to get back in the car. My arm is like chopped liver from her nails.
The same 3 questions all the way back to my house. We switched cars so hubby could drive the rest of the way. He leaves her in the car alone while I'm parking my car. OMG, Honey, you CAN'T leave her alone. She'll try to get out." I run over to the car. Fortunately, she's not moving this time. I've got one nerve left. I try to close my eyes in the back seat and relax. She begins saying, "Is SHE back there?" I can't rest. I join in the screaming match called a conversation.
Finally, we're back at the memory care facility. I feel like these people should earn $1000/day for what they have to put up with. I help the aide get mom to the toilet. The aide wants to change her diaper and put pj's on for the evening time. She's having no part of it and starts screaming. I try not to scream back but I'm trying to reason with her in an elevated voice. The aide stays calm. She's finally in her jammies and out at the dinner table. I give her kiss on the head and leave. I collapse in the car and just close my eyes. My first thought is, "Please Lord, DON'T let this happen to me!" We get home and I pour a glass of cabernet and turn on the TV to forget about the last 7 hours. The next thought is, when will this happen again?

Don't you just want to strangle anyone who says that we don't have patience? And how "lucky" we are to still have our parents?

Lola, there are 7 stages of ALZ, per the ALZ Association website. Those 7 stages note symptoms for each one, what to expect & see in each stage. As my brother's caregiver, with ALZ, this guideline is pretty much on target, especially in early stages. I think it gets ? in later ones.🤔

What I have witnessed though, as a caregiver, & it's still puzzling to me, is that those symptoms for each stage jump all over the place, even at different times. So, even though a doctor may tell us our loved one is in a final stage, really it's their expertise & knowledge at work. I don't think even the best of the best have this d*** disease figured out 100%. It's not the same for everyone, not cookie cutter🍪.

My brother, supposedly in the final stage, is still having good & bad days & moments. He may need more assistance, direction & guidance at times. He may get things right, even the dreaded bathroom agendas. He craves attention as well, but always preferred it, his old self an old memory.

Use your own feelings on what you are seeing with your mom, you know best. It sounds like you are doing everything right, making things cozy & easy, the best you can.

You are loving & caring.
Take each day & moment as it comes. Each & everything matters with this "new normal." Take care of you as well. Blessings 🌸

Lola she may well have seen your Dad but that does not mean she is about to pass. These swings in behavior can be quite common - something like crying wolf. You never know when the final stage will come. I have seen many people have their "last days" then pop back up. One lady was "actively dying" and one morning her daughter called and said Mom was demanding a full cooked breakfast. I told her to give it to her but this could be her last day on earth as often people had a really good day and died the next but on the other hand she may be getting better. Well she got better and was soon back to normal and discharged from hospice.

How many stages does dementia have? Last week I thought my mom is on her last stage. She slept for hours, doesn't want to eat or drink. She had a hard time getting up from the bed. The problem was there's a time that she can get up on her own and there's time that she just doesn't want to. We bought her a safety thing for the toilet so she can get up on her own but she doesn't want to use it. She calls for me to help her but my back is starting to hurt! Then the next day she was fine, she gets up on her own. I don't know if she just wants attention? At night I sleep next to her and she wakes me up for nothing then one morning she woke me up and said that my dad is in the room. My dad passed away 4 years ago. Is this her last stage?

Zen, that's right. Why are you? You don't need abuse like that.

Tough love; Don't talk to him if he doesn't use his hearing aids. Scream that you won't talk to him unless he puts them in.

Any way to get him in a nursing home? Would he qualify for Medicaid? Could you move out?

I think I'm pretty much one huge silent scream all day. My father is essentially an enormous spoiled toddler who sulks and bullies my mom and me and won't bathe or wear his hearing-aids because it's more fun to scream WHAT at everyone who speaks to him. I understand his problems, mental and physical, but when he falls out of bed on purpose because I'm helping my mom through a crisis and not paying attention to him and swears at me while I'm mopping his feces off the bathroom floor and yells "YOU'VE BEEN GONE FOUR EFFING HOURS" when I've just been down to the corner for groceries, I will yell back. I was married to an abuser and managed to get away from that; why am I spending what life I have left with another one?

Every year at tax time,that's my screaming point. Dad refuses to NOT file,so I can't claim him as a dependent. I could get a pile of cash back, but dad can get "100 dollars back,isn't that great?" That's awesome..lol. I offered to give him 200 bucks,he mumbled some crap about capital gains. He has no investment,he just wants to be relevant. I get it. I'm losing my mind
killing myself working all time,paying for everything. I'm about to turn 55,I think he's gonna outlive me at this rate. He draws SS,that's it.

Can't let out a scream so I just slam my head or elbow or something into the wall as I walk down the hallway. . .

Hi Fredrickup,
My mom has Stage 5-6 Alzheimer's. I'm a nurse and have had many dementia patients in my 38 years in the field. You are right, she is not in her right mind but she's "with it" enough to stop talking when I tell her I'm really stressed and I have to leave (step out) if she won't stop talking.
I tried to be patient and understanding but the physical strain/pain right after surgery (which I shouldn't have done but I had no choice) coupled with the constant questioning, makes it an unfortunate situation.
After all, this thread is the question, "What is your screaming point?" Please know, I DON'T scream at her, as none of the others do either. (They scream in closets, garages, etc.) I would prefer NOT to get to the point of NEEDING to scream. If getting up and stepping away for 2 minutes diffuses the situation, all the better.

BlackHole, she had a CT scan as part of her assessment. Everything was normal, just a "goose egg" on the back of her head. Thanks for thinking of that, you're on the ball.
LindaLela,
You need to have someone help you. Call Adult Protective Services for yourself! This sounds like abuse. Call your husbands doctor and see if there would be assistance for placement in a detox center then into assisted living. It sounds like you've come to the end of your rope. God bless you.

When he tells me really horrible things about me like nobody likes you, my family doesn't like you. I am so sweet kind and patient but he knows how to hit below the belt and loves to hurt me when he is drunk which is everyday. We have been together for 30 years. He has always been mean but he has taken it to a new level. He acts like I owe him everything. I should be grateful to take care of him. I do everything for him as he is chair bound. Last night I screamed and cried out of control in my pillow in my bedroom. Whyyyyyy? He is so controlling I can hardly go out because he freaks out. I feel smothered in h*ll.

SueC, was Mom screened for a concussion? If not and Mom seems "extra crazy," get her back to the ER and don't leave til they give you a conclusive answer. A thump on the head is often the tipping point for older folks. (FreqFlyer knows this all too well.)

Yes, your mother obviously has mental problems you cannot control or change. She knows just how to offend you. She might need counseling, even though it may not help her.

But you absolutely need counseling and support and understanding to cope with your mom's behaviour.

The mom you once knew and loved is no longer 'there'. But she's still your mom already. She still loves you even though she can no longer show it.

She no longer has a choice over her actions; she is not herself. But you are still her daughter and you love her anyway.

So forget about screaming, OK? Be patient...

I know this is nothing compared to most of what you 'angels' put up with. Maybe it seems worse since I just had female surgery 2 weeks ago.
Mother, in another one of her performances, threw herself backwards, stating, "I'm dying!", only this time there wasn't a bed, sofa or chair behind her. She fell on the floor, hit her head and fractured her wrist. I picked her up at the memory care facility and took her to Urgent Care. Had to go to the hospital the next day. She now sports a beautiful green cast.
Now the screaming part. I must have answered the same 5 questions 500+ times in 2 days. She often asked the same question right after she just asked. I dont mind, "How old am I?" because it's an easy answer. But the long answers to the more complex questions, after the 50th time, made me want to scream. Finally, after trying everything else, I told her I would have to leave (so I didn't scream) if she kept talking. I had to get up and stand behind the curtain for a few minutes to show her I meant business. It worked!
Now, when I want to scream, I'll know what to do. Thank God I finally figured something out that works to save MY sanity.

I keep reading these posts. Why are YOU allowing this horrible behavior from you "patients". If nothing that you have tried works, then - sad as it may be - you may have to eliminate them from your presence and home. If you don't, they will DESTROY Y O U!

Have to agree with the #2 incontinence. Initially I would gag with the smell, sight of it on the floor or during clean-up detail, now I don't. I learned to work fast and use the right tools, bleach and old rags (to be thrown out) becoming my new best friends. I've been grateful for the industrial carpet, put down years ago so have no love for it, which has been able to sustain anything and everything. Eventually it will be ripped up, part of the overall work that will be a necessity, $ for that another hurdle. On the sad part I witnessed the occasional incontinence with #1, then the #2 started, it became no longer occasional and now the Depends are doing what they are meant to do, making it easier. It's funny how I thought I could or would not be handle to "deal with this," it's amazing how instinct takes over, you just seem to do if you love and care. God Bless all Caregivers

Hey pheonix daughter..my dads the same way..he gets lonely.if i go to the store or etc..it doesnt take long before hes calling wanting me back home..i sit here dont talk much to him because he cant hear and refuses to wear his hearing aids..so i have to yell or repeat myself 3 times.

"Does any one else have a parent that is jealous of their happiness and can't wait to see miserable things to them?" I get a variation of this from my mother. It seems she can't wait to see me get her medical maladies. "Do you have arthritis in your fingers yet?" And I get to know every ache and pain she has, often with the refrain, "Wait until you get old."

Last Saturday when I walked into my dads house to feces all over the toilet and my dad sitting in his chair without pants on .. that pretty much pushed me over the edge ,, seems mild to some stories on here I know