My mother tries my patience on a good day but I usually manage to stay calm....failing that I go to my car or garage and scream
Today is a scream day. Firstly she doesnt want me to go out this afternoon for something I have had planned for 6 months. I will be out 90 minutes and providing she goes to the toilet before I go and they lays on the bed no harm can come to her.
So 10 minutes after me reminding her we were having lunch at lunchtime she decided to soil herself royally, followed by the words you cant go out if I am like this all day. Now if she hadnt added those words they would have come to me all on my own but BECAUSE she added them I started to wonder.
Then she said she felt sick and didnt want any lunch - but when I came in very quietly (OK yes I was spying) there she is stuffing her face with biscuits and cake which I leave by her side. She has been awake just over 4 hours and I have been in to speak to her chat wash clean her soiling clean the room 14 times which I think is pushing your luck really.
So what has she just done? Asked for coffee so I made her a latte just as she likes it and she now wants sugar in it - has NEVER taken sugar in anything. Then there was too much coffee in the cup - its dispensed mum it is always that amount.....well its too much Ive always thought so
I could see her fidgeting so I said lets get you across to the commode mum. I dont need to go there ...well I think you do... wasnt gonna happen. I came back in 5 minutes later and despite her reluctance I got her up and here we go again she wet and soiled herself in front of me. You wont be able to go out this afternoon you'll have to ring and cancel.
As I count 1 to 10 and find it needs to be 100000000000 I count to now.
Hmmmm OK lets try my theory. I went out of the room and 'made' a phone call. I know she could hear what I was saying because I was stood right by the door and I spoke louder than usual. When I finished my call, I waited a while then went back in. And what did she say. I feel much better now you could have gone after all
I havent told her yet but I havent cancelled I spoke to the phone not to anyone the other end so at 5pm I AM GOING OUT SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM
Whats your screaming point?
Basically...everyone else must magically know what she is trying to say, regardless of the fact that she will expend no effort to try to work through it.
She cannot make words. It comes out a mish-mash of sounds. Yet..she get real upset when I have no clue what she is saying...or trying to say. BUT, when I put in the HUGE effort to figure out what she is saying (this typically will take from 30 minutes to and hour of concentrated effort) .. it turns out she was saying something like "snow in Boston is put in the harbor". HUh? She is a master of the non sequitor. So..my screaming point comes when she demands intense concentration from me to figure out the nonsense she is saying.
Screaming in the garage must amaze the neighbors...good thing they haven't called the police.
I feel bad as I type this because we can only visit my mom once a week and I still want to scream at times.
She is in stage 5-6 Alzheimer's and I understand her limitations. I get the repeating questions (about 25 times an hour); how old am I?, etc. but the constant negativity really gets me. "They (the caregivers) don't like me and they treat me badly." (Not true-they treat her better than I would!) I tell her we could move her to a new place but she might not have a private room. She thinks about that for a minute then changes her story. The place she's at suddenly is OK.
"They don't give me any medicine", but I've seen her take it and literally forget 30 seconds later and rip them a new one because they "steal the meds". She's always the victim. (Part of the narcissism).
I have to leave at that point to not scream. No possible way we could live together. They would have to carry me away to a padded cell.
I have to echo your thoughts. I wish I had found this forum when my dad had his stroke in 2013. It is overwhelming and lonely being a caregiver. And so many things do try our patience. And yet after reading so many stories, I, too, found some perspective. It was much needed. I am grateful to all of you for being so honest.
I understand what you are saying but the process described is done by me. Mom needs to match yellow with yellow, green with green, etc and the items are placed at her spot at the table on a tray with nothing else. She does check the day and time listed and that is also there for anyone else you may need to step in for me and is unfamiliar with the routine.
Prescription pills are in morning and evening slots. Vitamins and the like are noon and afternoon. She complained of the amount of pills at a time so I split them up further. If she gets 8am and 8pm then we're doing OK.
I set the alarms so she doesn't have to worry about remembering or feel bad about forgetting. It helps anyone at home to check on her at that time as well.
Um. As a rule of thumb, any process that takes you two paragraphs to describe is not going to be one your mother's declining brain can cope with.
Depending on your schedule, you will need to reorganise her px into a regimen that you can give her morning and night; this needn't be that difficult, many medications are available in a modified release formulation so that doses can be given less frequently, so ask your doctor or pharmacist.
If there is a medication that must be given during the day when you aren't there, you will need to arrange for an aide or a kind neighbour to give it.
But yes this is the screaming point, and also the point where your mother can't do it any more. No matter how foolproof the system.
I have a tray on the table by her chair specifically for the days intake of water, meds, vitamin supplements. There are 4 water bottles labled with the day and time to be taken. There are 2 daily pill cases with the corresponding day/time. A powdered supplement is premeasured into a small container that sits onto of a glass that too, is labelled date/time.
I made a sign that is on the cupboard door above the microwave with medicine time reminders. I placed an alarm clock in the kitchen and in her bedroom that are set to go off at the 4 medicine times (8am, noon, 4pm, 8pm).
After work I can look at what's left on the tray and tell exactly what she has taken/drank or not. Sometimes she drinks the water but no meds. Sometimes she takes pills from one case but not from the other. Sometimes she missed it all although I can tell she has sat right beside it during the day. It's color coordinated so she doesn't even have to read it, just take things with the matching label together at the same time.... forget what time? ...on the label. or when the alarm sounds.
sigh....She did it again tonight, missed her 8 pm pills again.
And yes, I wanted to sream.
I don't know what else to try.
The playing helpless. When it's her fun day at the senior centre she can do many things on her own and is quite self sufficient. The rest of the week she plays helpless and acts incapable of the smallest effort.
Pretending not to hear me. She does it with this smirk that says screw you.....grrrr
The worst is the drama queen. Overblowing a simple situation and talking to me with sentences so dripping in sarcasm that I need a towel. I had asked her to please drink her glass of water before I went downstairs so I know that she did it. She got this nasty tone and said why don't you just get the garden hose and shove it down my throat. If it had not been winter I would have brought the hose up to the kitchen, laid it at her feet and asked her to please sit down and hold on.
I see that these things are nothing compared to some of your experiences. Kudos to you. I hope I will carry your strength as time progresses.
Note to self: find safe place to have the screaming meemies.
My daughter is a vet so bunny would get the best of care.
Does she get on with cats?
Just did our taxes and found our medical care costs about $900 a month in out of pocket expenses, and that is with Medicare and a supplementary.
Really, $10K isn't all that much to leave for a pet. Food, litter, and vet bills can cost a lot. Vet bills for exotic pets, such as rabbits, are very high. I have insurance on the rabbit, just like insurance on myself. It will only cover about half the bills if she gets sick, but that definitely helps.
Speaking of insurance -- Last month I had my own policy that cost over $1K a month that proved to be worth nothing. It was with bcbs. I went to the doctor last month and had blood work and a mammogram. Insurance denied both claims. The lab the doctor used was out of network and this policy doesn't cover screening mammograms. So I was out over almost $1.1K!! This was my first claim in two years. Made me wonder why I threw all my money away. Grr.