What is your screaming point?

$10K! That's... "an awful lotta lettuce..." :)

Rabbit's an heiress! She'll be swamped with gigolos and fortune hunters!

She went on to say that if something happened to me, then she guess she would have to call my brother. I told her that she wouldn't be able to stay with them -- the house isn't elder friendly -- and they wouldn't come stay with her. I told her there were a lot of senior homes, so she shouldn't worry about what would happen to her. I think she actually took a little comfort in that.

I took the opportunity this week to write my will, leaving $10K to my rabbit for whoever will give her a good indoor home. I considered leaving everything to her, after I thought about how "helpful" the rest of my family has been. She actually deserves it more than they do. My bunny's my buddy. But I divided everything but the $10K up between my brothers.

It is, JessieBelle, only in a way that makes you shake your head and smile. "But what about me?! - if something happens to you."

And the rabbit, of course. Nice to know she spares a thought for poor li'l bunny?

She'd miss you if you weren't there, and now she's said she knows it. That's good!

Ultrasound was fine. I had a feeling it would be, since I didn't feel anything. My mother was relieved when I got home and told her. She said she didn't know what she was going to do without me and how she would take care of the rabbit. She said she had become dependent on me, so didn't know what she would do if something happened to me.

Oh, okay. I guess that is a way of saying I'm needed or appreciated. :-/

((((hugs)))) and prayers about the ultrasound, jessie.

BTW, I got the sewer cleared. Yea! Now if only the ultrasound gives good results, the stress will be down.

A new screaming point today. I have to go have an breast ultrasound today. They found a small spot last week, so scheduled an ultrasound to see what it is. Stressful enough, right? Well Mom chose today to flush something down the toilet that backed up the sewer. I don't know what it is. It all is defeating me. Stress on stress on stress.

I told my brother she was getting worse last weekend. All he said was, "I'm sorry to hear that," like he was sympathizing with me about my mother. He couldn't care less. No help coming from there.

My new screaming points are many. When Mom and I go somewhere, she has slowed down to the pace of a snail. She takes one small step every second or two and hesitates when there's a small incline or decline. She has trouble with those things. When we finally get in, she has to use the bathroom, even though she used it before leaving home. That takes another 20 minutes. Finally we reemerge. By that time, I am totally into mindfulness, trying to keep from shooting myself with my finger pistol. Something a caregiver has to learn is lots of patience. I'm one of those electric type people who do things fast, so it has been hard for me to learn patience.

Another screaming point is those long stories about her relatives I never met. They have old country names. We never associated with family on either side, so the names don't mean anything. But she'll tell me all the things Aunt Ocee did or about Cousin Gorwyn and Uncle Albert, who had 14 children. She tells me how they came by always at lunch in the Depression years and ate their food, so they would only have biscuits for breakfast the next day. I don't think they ever did anything exciting, except my grandfather who got his eye shot out and cheated on my grandmother.

The names are what get me. Some of them sound like names straight out of Deliverance. I bet they would have been a lot more colorful if I really knew them. She paints scenes so that bluebirds and butterflies flutter around the people who are eating all their food.

Rwarren69, I can certainly relate to the sanitation and hygiene issues, refusing outside help and placing sole responsibility for her care on you. I am glad to hear you are following through with your studies despite the added pressures, and would I be correct in assuming guilt trips imposed upon you by your mom? It’s amazing how one so ill can have so much control over your life, isn’t it? I commend you for following through with your studies despite her demands.

My screaming point was taking mom to the Ambulatory/Urgent Care Centre (a cross between a walk-in clinic and Emergency Department). She developed a severe viral eye infection that has been resistant to two different types of drops. So I was instructed to take her to the hospital, where they would have the facilities to look behind the eye and authorization for referrals. It has been ongoing stress for the last three weeks, trying to get her to the walk-in clinic and agreeing to have the doctor from Med Visit come out to see her.

On Saturday I told her if she wouldn’t get her eye checked out, I would not buy the groceries. We got there about 10:30 a.m., and she was constantly impatient, angry, loud and belligerent. Never again, if she’d have known I was taking her here she never would have come, I really like doing this to her, she’s had the problem all her life and they haven’t been able to cure it (getting mixed up with her diseased ear).

A bit of comic relief for you all: you know you are reaching burnout when you accompany your loved one to a public place such as a hospital and do not realize you have been wearing your sweater inside out until you take it off at night. Now I know why the patients were reassuring me that they understood that mom couldn't help it and no need to apologize.

The first doctor was more affable and accommodating. He told me mom has a lesion (I believe on the iris) and pointed it out to me on the instrument (which I couldn’t pick out but it was very nice of him to do so). He diagnosed a severe viral infection, said he would refer us to the ophthalmologist and instructed us to wait outside. So I thought great, we can go home soon – not! We had to return and go through the same registration process three hours later. Mom is about to blow a gasket, I must have come across like the wicked [caregiver] of the West (an image reinforced by a large bruise on mom’s head which she acquired earlier during the week when she bumped into God knows what), and the poor patrons of the Tim Horton’s cafeteria had to bear the brunt of it.

The specialist was rough and more impatient, and for all my resentment and irritability at mom’s attitudes/behaviours and answering the same questions over and over and over again, I did feel like the subject in the psychology experiment where they were told to administer electric shocks. The eye drops stung, her head hurt from pushing it forward onto the machine so the doctor could look into her eye, and he was just generally rough and curt with her.

He prescribed an antiviral drop to be administered every two hours, even throughout the night (good luck on that one; not happening); and wanted to see her again on Monday at 8:30 a.m. That would be impossible because I work part time, couldn’t take off work and barely make any money as it is. I did have to laugh to myself, though, because mom was so confused about where she was (England, Newfoundland, Toronto). She was anxious to get out of there and had no intention of coming back again, and told the doctor she was going back to England. He asked me when she was flying, lol, so I enlightened him.

So filling the prescription should have been the easy part, right? Wrong! My regular pharmacist didn’t have it so they called different locations and even different drug stores – none of them had it in stock. So I had to order it and didn’t start the medication until late Sunday afternoon. Wouldn’t you know, the clinic called me when I returned from my first shift, asking why I missed the appointment. I explained the circumstances and she asked when I could come in. How about the March break, I asked. “Let me see what I can do,” and she put me on hold. “How about tomorrow at 12:30?” Obviously March break was out of the question so I said okay. I figured I would skip the second shift as none of the children come home for lunch any more, and hope I’m not found out. I’ll already lose a week’s pay during the March break.

I get back from my morning shift, do a few things, get mom ready and call a taxi. The receptionist didn’t tell me to check in at a different area so I wasted time at the Urgent Care section. While I was waiting I realized that in the rush I left my wallet with mom’s health card behind, so the volunteer said not to worry, just as long as she had two pieces of I.D. Redirected to the eye clinic, where there was a stream of patients waiting for their number to be picked. All the while being lambasted by mom for bringing her here and wasting her time. By then it was 12:30 – the time of the appointment - and I had recently remembered I was expecting an important phone call at 1:30. I am so exasperated and stressed out by this time that I decided I was way too late for the appointment, I would miss my call, I wouldn’t get to my last shift on time and mom was as angry as ever for being there. So I ordered a taxi to take us home - $40 wasted on transportation, a missed shift and no follow-up to see if the treatment is working, which by the looks of it, still hasn’t made a dent in the infection. If you hear a jungle call that sounds like Tarzan, it’s me.

Every single day is a screaming point these days. I cannot deal with my mom just laying in that smelly bed all day like a lump. Or sleeping in front of the blaring television. Or "having pain" or "being dizzy" when it's a ploy to prevent me from going out. The smell from the disposable underwear gets in everything: her clothes, her bed, the sofa, the chairs, and now my clothes, I can't get rid of it and it's disgusting. She claims she needs a cane and then drags it behind her uselessly. She kicks me while we're sitting on the sofa -- every damn day.

I've gone back to school full time and as a condition of that, she has to do the dishes, the laundry, and some of the housework; turn the TV off when it's study time, have supper ready when I come home, and open the door. (If she doesn't shuffle down those four steps to the door, she doesn't get any other exercise.) But the hamper is overflowing and smelly; I continually find dirty dishes in the cupboard; she refuses to follow recipes or instructions, plainly written on packages (and she claims to be a caterer) and on it goes. I was offered to be the evening lab monitor, so my classmates could stay late and finish assignments (and I would earn brownie points for the work/study term later this year); when I brought it up to Mom she blew up at me and I had to decline.

Mom refuses to leave the house except for doctor's appointments, and refuses all help except me. She will not sit up straight or stand up straight, she leans on everything when she walks. We argue every bloody day about my schedule, which is posted plainly on the fridge -- we were told to do this in the orientation, adding in study time, time for chores, personal time, etc. which she agrees to when I print it out every week, yet every day she expects me to come home before classes are over and keep doing *all* the housework, *all* the errands, and my homework, no time for myself. (I budget one social outing a week.)

And now I have to give up a daytrip to Vermont, that I've been looking forward to for months, because the idiot hospital has *finally* scheduled her first cataract surgery this week -- two months late! In order not to get kicked out of school, I need a doctor's note with all the days I expect to be absent helping mom. (You miss one day, you miss a lot of content and quizzes for marks, and the teachers will not pause to fill you in.) And let's hope the second surgery is not during finals week for the semester.

I think one of my screening points is trying to get through to someone who just don't get it. One of my other screaming points is when I would run an errand for my foster dad, returned and he forgets all about it in that short time. Another time he put me on his account and would later complain that money was missing from his account but he clearly gave me or authorized for purchases for both of us. All three of these are my screaming points when someone says or does something and goes back on it

My screaming point was when I had a fractured foot and was in pain. Grandma wanted coffee. 2 other family members were visiting. So grandma yells for coffee. The other family said they'll pour it but grandma said no because they're "company" and this is my "job" Even though my job is 24/7 365 that I've never been paid for and had a broken foot.

My mom has terrible hallucinations and delusions. I used to try and tell her,no Mom there isn't a deer in the kitchen(or whatever animal who happens to be visiting). Always ended up in an arguement. Now I usually go along with it. The lying drives me bananas though. She lies about everything. Yesterday she turned to me and said,you know I'm a liar. Yes,mom I know.When she gets angry with me,she tells me she should have put me up for adoption,lol. I am the only one who has ever taken care of her.

I think even the most patient, loving caregiver is overwhelmed. After three years of caring for my dad after his stroke, I was losing all patience. He didn't want to eat, drink or even take showers anymore. After taking him to lunch one afternoon, I wanted him to have a haircut. He was so angry and told me no. I don't know why, but when I got home, I started screaming at him. How he never considered my feelings? I was trying to do so much for him. Every day I was the responsible one, the good one, and why couldn't he do just do what I wanted for once. I know I never should have let myself get to this point. I feel so much regret. Hearing all these stories, makes me feel so sad. Here we all are trying to do our best and our own mental and physical health is suffering. I wish so badly we could all the right balance.

When they are totally obnoxious to you after you have done everything possible to care for them, tell them off - even if they don't listen or understand - and walk away. Save your sanity and yourself. You will feel better. In other words, do NOT let them get away with this - stop them in their tracks. It often works.

When my step-mom was 24x7 caregiver for my very difficult, angry dad - she used to go in the woods and scream too, only one day some neighbors where there for a walk and got very startled. She often wished someone would report her to APS so she could go to jail - 3 meals a day, locked up, sleep, no one making demands constantly and criticizing her all day.

What drives me to the screaming point is the manipulation. It is hard enough all of the things we have to do - demeaning, gross, etc WITHOUT added @#$# to try to keep us from getting a break for a few hours. Finally, I snapped. When my dad threw his lunch on the floor and demanded a new one just as I was ready to leave, I left it and came back 4 hours later. I did not feed him. The guy who came in to sit with dad while I was gone must have seen a look in my eyes - he didn't say anything. When I got back I handed dad the broom and said if he wanted dinner - he needed to sweep up lunch. I still had to get on my hands and knees to scrub. Then that whole night he kept ramping up the volume on the TV so I couldn't sleep. Finally, I grabbed the @#$# remote, turned off the TV, put the remote out of reach, went outside in the woods and snow and just screamed and kicked the ground like a toddler with a tantrum. Boy, did it feel good. And lightning did NOT strike me dead. Now he is in a nursing home and when he starts his @#$# they tag team him and sweetly move him along.

Hi Riley - sorry I have to take issue with you here...

My screaming point would come if the patient is abusive and nasty and refuses to do what she/he should be doing or repeats the same questions and idiotic actions over and over again no matter what you do. I simply cannot and will not put up with this nonsense. I can't - My fuse has gotten too short over time.

If you feel like this then either you possibly havent understood something or I have misunderstood something. My Mum is certainly abusive she doesnt always refuse to do what I ask but she sure as heck can be non compliant over certain issues. However its the next bit I find I have to comment on

Some people with dementia will repeat things until you want to scream. Some behaviour DOES appear very very odd but please not idiotic. It might seem like nonsense to you but in their world it has meaning. Each dementia has its own straining points for its carers. I dont think there are many of us who can truly say they havent ever felt that strain. I use the garage when it all gets too much so people know I am not screaming at Mum but at the situation.

And this next bit really got to me

No one should put up with this after all attempts to do the right thing fail. If you have done all the right things YOU HAVE NOT FAILED.

In cases like this, there can never be a GUILT trip.

I dont agree with this bit either but that is because I live in the FOG right now and I shouldnt

You have to think of yourself first - you owe it to yourself. And this last bit is so absolutely right - sadly not all of us can get our heads out of our backside to see it (speaking for me alone here)

My screaming point would come if the patient is abusive and nasty and refuses to do what she/he should be doing or repeats the same questions and idiotic actions over and over again no matter what you do. I simply cannot and will not put up with this nonsense. I can't - My fuse has gotten too short over time. In the beginning I did everything and was so kind and sweet but then no matter what you do, it turns - and I have to do something to save my sanity. No one should put up with this after all attempts to do the right thing fail. In cases like this, there can never be a GUILT trip. You have to think of yourself first - you owe it to yourself.

Introduce my self I take care of my mother in law have had her for 11 years she has dementia and Alzheimer's she is 81 years old I like the fact that there is this website that I can see I am not alone I ready your stories and can relate thank you so much

We had to deal with the dreaded UTI back in Jan..... Was one of the strangest experiences I've ever had.. She skipped all signs you'd usually think to look for and went straight to talking to imaginary people. When the ambulance arrived she sounded so rational they didnt want to take her to the hospital but we insisted. Got to ER, had a GREAT ER doctor, she thought she was on a cruise ship *sigh no thats not how she acts normally.. No fever, no pain, no need to urinate alot, urine looked clear, no smell. She had a very mild infection took her 2 weeks to come back to normal dementia Grannie. The ER Doctor said with older folks, esp female they skip every sign you'd think to look for and jump straight into crazytown. Lesson learned imaginary folks show up dont chalk it off to a dream just go to the ER, lol.
and yeah we did ALOT of apologising to the very nice black orderly as she didnt want one of those Not gonna say the word/ words around her.

Worried I dont envy you that one hun. Dementia does awful things to people. I remember going to see my MIL when she was in the final stages of life and in a dementia locked ward. Well I felt like I had gone back a zillion years to the days of asylums. Some serious serious dementia there and a lot of it violent. The lady in the bed next to MIL used to be a Magistrate but had developed an unfortunate desire to exhibit herself to just about everyone...I had to remove my two as they were both under ten and it was just something I didn't want to try to explain!

Poo digging is very common I think. Mum does it a lot and like yours worried she has sharp talons. Then she said I have haemorrhoids they are bleeding - erm no mum that would be you tearing the skin......then utter refusal to believe she has done this and I am in the wrong again!.

Oh and worried when Mum had a UUTI she was put in a hospital bed with side bars and she climbed over them, she punched the doctor in the face and I don't want to even mention the words she called the poor black agency nurse who was charged with making sure she didn't get out of bed. I had to apologise over and over again to him bless him

Group "ARGGGG" for that one, worried. That's the worst yet. Poor you.

New screaming point.... Found a box full of poo in the dresser next to her bed, *ARGGGG

pfontes16.... Exactly what we are scared of. Explaining to her why she can't do it, get no where with the dementia but if we watch her like a hawk she won't do it. Amazing how sneaky she can be.

So, I've gotta comment on the poo-digging stuff. Here's a scary and REAL story maybe you can use as a cautionary tale:

My Mom was a poo-digger when she felt she was constipated (which was often, even when she really wasn't). When it was clear we couldn't stop her from digging, my sister, a CNA, gave her a box surgeon's gloves to use when she "had to" dig. Mom refused to use the gloves - Dad kept telling her.....Anyway, she apparently scratched herself while digging (fingernails) just inside the rectum and it caused a colon infection. The infection spread (eventually to her heart) & caused her to die.

Speech, the OCD will drive everybody nuts. Has he ALWAYS been that way? If so, it will only worsen especially in the early stages of AD. But, if he was not OCD before, it is not truly OCD now, it is part of the disease because they do not remember what they have just done. Those broken synapses in the brain cause thoughts and actions to get stuck so are done repetitively.

It is great that you have been going to support groups and that you have come here, there are so many that understand because they are either current caregivers or have been or their roles have evolved to other sorts of care.

I find myself screaming in the car when I am alone. I realize how dangerous it is to drive when upset. I learned in 4 mos of intense Alz Support Group and counseling to : not argue , ignore, change the subject. As my psychologist says it is easier said than done. I fly off the handle way too much lately. My husband has early stage Alz but extreme depression, OCD , anxiety and gets easily frustrated and very angry- mostly at me. Sounds awful but there are days when I wish he could go to a facility. I get upset w myself for not controlling my emotions. I get blasted for just about everything I say or do. Sorry everyone. Just venting

Kitty I have no clue why Dementia tells her to do ALOT of stuff...lol But seriously yeah that's what we worry about, what if she cut or scratched herself badly there.... Guess it could be worse we had the week when she talked her daughter into buying supporitories for her.. unknown to us, we could not figure WTH was wrong when she was proudly poo'ing all day long for a week.. Called Doc, knew it wasnt diet, then low and behold I find a monster box of suppositories hidden in her night stand.. 1/2 of them used.. To say the least box got taken away, We never mentioned it to her and asked the daughter to please ASK before buying or giving her any type of medicine... We see that daughter ( hers) once every 6 monthes or so when she needs money, her other daughter roughly the same but doesnt ask for money , she simply tells us everything we do wrong,lol. The other son ( not my hubby) lives 1 block away and is too busy to answer her phone calls. Joy, Joy

You know Worried13, the gross comment you made reminded me of my grandma. She was trying to do that for quite a long time. She would start going, then start to 'finish' by using toilet paper and trying to get it out with her fingers. Toilet paper being as thin as it was did nothing for protecting her fingers. I got tired of picking poop out from under her nails plus she would tell me it burns where she poops. Of course it would as she likes to have nails all painted and pretty and can you imagine what her nails was doing to her area?? I would of course stop her and I eventually told her that the doctor told her not to wipe anymore and to let me do it. I took the toilet paper out of the room making it so that she has to 'ask' or yell for me to give her toilet paper. So far I'm lucky that when she poops she does not try to stand up while still covered in poop. Sometimes she remembers the doctor's comment and sometimes it's telling her something new and horrifying either way I now do that part of the wiping. What makes dementia people think pulling poop from your butt is ok? So I totally feel for you dealing with the poop issue.