My father is 83 and has vascular dementia and recently at 2am or 3am he shouts my name out repeatedly from the bottom of the stairs. When I hear this it kind of scares me because I am obviously asleep and then I think he is in danger or something is wrong. When I go to him and ask him what is the matter he says he can't breathe. There are no signs that he is gasping for breath or anything, in fact he appears to be quite normal. I am often angry when he does this as he has disturbed my sleep and I work full time and often have a very early start. Sometimes he will bang on my door calling my name and when I open it he says I think I am going to die soon come and sit with me. I'm not going to sit with him at 2am you must be joking. (we have never had that good a relationship) for various reasons which are perhaps for another conversation. I mean honestly what does he expect me to do or say to that. Everyone is going to die at some point and if your time is up then its up. I can't prevent his death.
We live in a house which he owns and we have tenants in the property also. I'm sure its disturbing for them also when he is banging or shouting. The tenants we have all know he has vascular dementia and they are sympathetic to that so I guess in some ways that is good so they won't lodge a formal complaint to me.
I tell my father to go back into his room and go to bed but he refuses and the first time he did this he sat outside my room on the stairs for 1 hour before leaving to go to his room.
He shouldn't be awake at 2am or 3am but the problem is he sleeps all day (so he can't then sleep at night) this has happened three times now and I am worried it might start happening more regularly. I can't put up with this on top of all his other erratic and narcissistic behavior. I am the only child and I myself am 44 now and going mad with this. He is a very difficult man always has been. I have just arranged for carers to come in and they will be starting in October for two hours Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. Its very costly and I am self funding. Ideally I would have liked two hours morning and two in the evening but its just too expensive. I'm not sure how he will respond to the carers so it was suggested we start with less days and hours with the options to increase if necessary later on. I can't afford night time or sleep in carers to deal with his night-time behaviour. Thank god its not every night but I am informed this is quite common with vascular dementia sufferers. I am not coping and he won't go into care. He has threatened to kill himself if he goes into care. He says he wants to live and die in his own home which is fine. He has a right to that but he just won't behave. There are other problems too like hoarding, losing house keys, locking himself out, etc the list goes on. Some days he is ok and well behaved and coherent but other days he just drives me mad.
If day care works for you you may be able to redirect your caregiver dollars to overnight help.
Two way audio video systems can help you to check on him and speak to him without having to actually go to him.
Given that you are not able to provide an increasing level of personal care - things like incontinence and bathing and difficulty with dressing and mobility - you probably need to consider a memory care facility. I get that he doesn't want that, but I can guarantee you nobody else who lives at one did either.
Best of luck!
Is your dad a Veteran? If so the VA might be able to help with caregivers. Depending on where and when he served he might qualify for a lot of help or just a bit but it is worth checking out.