My mom is 81 years old and has Alzheimer's, mild to moderate, and has suffered back problems for many years. We can no longer allow her to manage her medications and she is becoming less able to manage her finances. Prior to her diagnosis I made sure she had her advance directives, POA and Will made. She lives in a 3 bedroom home alone about 2 hours from me. My sister and brother live by her but they both work 5 days per week and are unable to really be there. I am a hospice/geriatric nurse, and I work 3 days per week with 4 days off straight. I have access to nurses, caregivers and doctors. I have been trying to talk my mom into moving with me for a year now, but my 2 sisters are blocking me. They keep telling me my mom doesn't want to move from her home and that she's happy there. Everyday is different with my mom and she does not remember previous days. She cannot tolerate her pain like she used to and her arthritis is getting worse. She is unable to manage her pain with medications because she will forget that she has medication for the pain. We do not have the means to hire skilled caregivers and I would rather take care of her. I am at my wits end trying to make my sisters understand any of this. I deal with families everyday with ease. Dealing with older siblings who seem to have no respect for what I do or can provide is very frustrating. I could use some advice.
Even if you are the PoA it is better to get consensus and be transparent so that no one can question your motivations or actions. Also, are your SURE you want to be your mom's caregiver? Please read the many many many posts on this forum on caregiver burnout. Even by very loving, dedicated and competent healthcare professionals. Peace to you!
If you have POA, just do your plan, you need not ask
My suggestion is to have a family meeting with at least your opposing sisters and the brother living nearby around a kitchen table and develop a plan for caring for your mother in her home. If there's not a kitchen table readily available for a relatively neutral uninterrupted meeting, consider engaging a meeting room somewhere; I like late lunches in restaurants because emotional people have better behavior in public spaces than in family homes and the venue doesn't mind if you remain at some corner table during a slow afternoon. This meeting is primarily an educational session for your siblings so provide as much outside documentation as your can; do not expect your siblings to value the unsupported knowledge and experience of their younger sibling.
Consider having the Area Agency on Aging do a needs evaluation and bring the results to the meeting. Research some adult day cares, in home care agencies, AL/MC, NH and their costs (AAA may be able to provide a lot of this info). Provide a print out of the Alzheimer's stages from something like Alzheimers.net and ask the siblings to consider what stage your mother is now and what help Mom is going to need as she transitions to the next stage. Come up with a list of tasks where Mom currently needs help (like medication management) and who/how is going to handle it. I suggest planning a second session to develop a plan for support tasks Mom is going to need as she declines into the next stage in a week or two - give your siblings time to think things over.
I suspect that sometime between the two family meetings, some attitudes will start changing as your siblings face up to the commitment of their own time and/or money to provide your mother's care. When that window opens, be ready to discuss your care plan for your mother living in your home.
At some point, there needs to be a discussion of how to finance Mom's LTC when that is needed. Your siblings need to understand that regardless of the provisions of your mother's will, her assets (including her house) will need to be liquidated to fund her care whether those funds are spent on NH fees or in home care hours covering at least time for you to work and sleep.