My only living relative in the US, my son, who cut my hair every 5-6 weeks and allowed me to grocery shop at the date & time that was good for him (I am disabled with a non-curable disease which is Diffuse Osteoarthritis...not the regular Osteoarthritis), suddenly out of the blue took me to court to get a court appointed Guardian to simply get rid of me to not have to do anything for me at all, and in the Request for Court Guardianship papers lied and thought that the Court would not check up on his claims, and the Court did. Well, after being interviewed and positively vetted by 4 Court appointed Therapists/Counselors/Social Workers in person & going through a battery of their tests, 1 on 1 interviews that lasted from 2 / 4 hours each, finally told the Presiding Judge that what my son had accused me of was bupkis...lies, & besides being in a state of severe pain almost constantly, my brain was as sharp as a tack, & they all were expecting a basket case, & found a person with a great sense of humor, a good & positive outlook even with the severe pain, did more on a daily basis that people with half of the disease I have, told the Judge to accelerate my status into the Medicaid LTC status (I already had Medicare and a lower level of Medicaid) so I could get a dedicated aide & nurse to do housekeeping, 5 day a week dinner delivery (I still like to cook from scratch on weekends, and my son always got a 3 to 4 day share of food that was better that in any restaurant that I made...no more of that, since that was just ONE of my hobbies was cooking ) help me with other things that are labor intensive with physical things due to the severity of the disease which could linger for 10-15 years or more. I am 68, had the disease which started as a pain in my lower back 21 years ago that would not go away, & then very slowly progressed to have my severe pain start at my neck & go all the way down to my toes. Had to declare full bankruptcy...lost almost everything except my Condo & car, all savings, & pensions I had to cash in to pay up front for all my medical bills until I finally got my 1st Disability check 9 years after the disease blessed me (It is caused by a DNA sequence fault or change & I had gone to the best specialist in the USA, & always got the same diagnosis...no stopping it, and no cure, and no one is even doing reseach on any kind of cure, & just keep taking and increasing all kinds of pain and other medications as you need. All by myself with only a good sized Medicare Check ( I had a 6 figure income ) now have a FICO score that is just under a steady 800.
Well, since my son lost so fast & so badly in court that he was embarrassed to all holy heck in front of everyone, scolded by the judge, & now does not even talk or face me in person...a very few short & curt emails for over a year, & he sends over his friends for some stuff he has here (I politely turn them away), which is noting he can not easily replace, like board games, very long term storm supplies & camping cooking stoves and fuel tanks (we live in Miami, FL) in a storm we would bunk together (he is in his 40's an not married and lives in the same Condo complex as I (!), but I have my Condo wrapped tight in accordion style Cat 5 shutters and can be inside for months.
I have no siblings...no family (even super extended) alive except for him, ( I have some distant cousions I met once in Europe when I was 10 years old & we never correspond or call )
Now my son has worked and still works (since he graduated from high school and moved to Miami to be with me to further his education / Masters degree & has worked since he was 20 years old for the same but a very successful non-profit which he is a co-founder which helps many nitch catagories of shunned people, & also teaches private and Civil professionals on how to handle & initially approach & care for them until they get proper help. If his work found out what he tried to do to me, fired for cause.
What should I do?
Ask your son come onto our forum and tell HIS side of this story! That should be quite something to read indeed.
Then afterward, we can give you answers based on the total picture of reality instead of your version of what's transpired.
In the meantime, give him back his stuff. And I sincerely hope you find some relief from the chronic pain you suffer.....its exhausting.
So back at you...what do you want?
You raised your son; you say you were a wonderful Dad, and I believe you. But to continue to be a wonderful Dad quite honestly means to allow your son FREEDOM from you to make his own life. As BarbBrooklyn says, our kids become their own people with their own lives and a right to them.
I am so sad for all your pain, your disability. You enter the long line of people in need of care that is almost impossibly difficult to get in our country, perhaps in many countries. I am so sorry for all the problems you are suffering. But it is time to let your boy go. Having children isn't a trade "I care for you then you care for me". In some cultures it is just that, and in the 1800s it was more that for our own country as well; but it isn't now. Hard as that is, it is the world you have to negotiate now.
A strong and loving relationship with your son would see more loving care from him I believe. An adversarial relationship will see him moving farther and farther away from you; I know which I would choose. I wish you the very best. And again, I am so sorry.
The other thing that I know as sure as the sun comes up each morning is that our children don't owe us a dam' thing. They didn't ask to be born, while we made a positive decision to bring them into the world. We have a legal and moral obligation to raise and support our children and educate them into self-sufficiency. You certainly did that.
In addition to sounded disappointed, you sound somewhat resentful and almost vengeful. No, you can't get him fired for cause. It would be illegal for his firm to fire him for actions taken outside of his work life. The fact that you bring that up is surprising and concerning.
Your son thought that you needed more help than you had, and knew that HE couldn't provide that help. Perhaps trying to get you appointed a guardian was his was of trying to protect you.
It sounds like you guys have had a terrible misunderstanding. I hope that at some point you can sit down, perhaps with a dispassionate mediator and clear the air.
And yes, give him back his stuff.
You're probably one heck of a lot more effort to care for than you admit. I am truly, truly sorry for your pain. It no doubt affects how you see the world and probably slows you down.
Being unkind to your son when it sounds as if he simply realizes he cannot 'do' for you---is just sad.
My earlier post to you was just kind and kind of quiet. You didn't need to chew me out. Your pain is yours. And mine is mine. It's not a contest.
Let it (and all his stuff) go. Maybe then you can find peace.
This pandemic has changed everything. People are isolated, losing their jobs, getting depressed, etc.
It appears you are only worried about your needs and not that of your son. He has no obligation to care for you. Maybe he gave you the best he could but it wasn’t good enough for you.
Leave him alone. Let him work things out on his own. People DO have REAL nervous breakdowns. It appears that you look down on him because of his mental issues. Inside of knocking him down, lift him up.
It appears you have tunnel vision and see only your own needs. Try a little tenderness. You have actually sought out opinions to support your own that having a nervous breakdown is not real and is a sign of weakness. It is not.
You said your son was gay in your old post and you’ve accepted that. Have you or are you lying to yourself? Why are you holding his belongings back from him? That is childish on your part.
Try to understand him. It’s not easy these days. He’s been honest in verbalizing his needs and feelings in reporting to his therapist. He has made the decision to step back for his own mental health. Respect that and don’t second guess him.
You’ve given him everything. That was your choice. What do you want from him now? Examine that because it’s clear that now you want gratitude from him or for him to behave in a way that he cannot. He doesn’t owe you anything. Be happy you gave him the tools to be independent- that’s the best you can do for him. A parent gives unconditionally not expecting anything back their child. It sounds like your son tried but again, it wasn’t good enough for you.
Let him go and find his own peace. Not yours. Both of you will feel better because of it.
Cut your losses. Find other people to help. Why would you want someone (your son) helping if he isn’t interested in doing so?
I wouldn’t want to anyone helping me that had resentment for me. Nor do you sound very caring towards him.
Going to ask you simple questions? Do you love your son? Do you love him enough to let him live his own life in peace?
Please give him his belongings back. Why wouldn’t you have given those to his friends?
Live your life as best that you can. I certainly wish you well. I am sorry for your pain.
Allow your son to live his life in peace.
Sometimes people really are better off not communicating with each other.
Your son isn’t the problem here.
So long to those who are intelligent and can read and deduce what they have read, Thanks to those people.
Do you want your son to lose his job and his livelihood? Why do you seem determined to seek revenge? Two wrongs don’t make a right. Give him his personal belongings back and stay out his employment. Are you willing to cut him out of your life and not have a relationship with him? What does your income and FICO score have to do with any of this either? And what Medicare check? You don’t get a check from Medicare. I really don’t think your son is the problem here.
Many parents never see that they are a huge burden on their children.
Thanks, Cali for explaining the other side of this situation.
I can see from the end of your post that you're making veiled threats against your son's employment about how he would get fired if they ever found out how he treated you. Your son doesn't owe you anything and not catering to you anymore does not mean he did anything wrong or abusive. Then you don't even allow your own son, and your only living relative to even get his stuff out the house? You ought to be ashamed of yourself. If you were my mother you'd quickly find yourself in the street if such threats veiled or not were made against my job, or if you decided you could just keep all my stuff. Be grateful that your son must be a kind and decent fellow because I would not be half as good to you as he is.
You are seeing all this through your own eyes, and his view could well be a 180 from yours.
Just give him his stuff. It's easier to be nice than mean :)
I found out a few years ago that my mom has put a 'bill' in her will--I somehow owe the trust $1500 and my YB (in whose house mother has lived, rent free for 23 years) a bill for $6000. Now, since we all know the amt we're supposed to inherit is less than $10K---how do you think YB feels?
BTW, since this document was not signed or notarized, it's worthless. My son, who is an attorney, said it's a posthumous "FU" and to ignore it.
But it hurt.
Who KNOWS what's going on in mom's head. I'm sure she'd say she was a sweet and precious old lady whom everyone adores.
I' sorry for your pain. I too have chronic back pain that will never get better. I KNOW that I often say/do things that come from that cradle of pain--I don't MEAN to be snippy or whatever, but I hurt, 24/7. I'm not the same person I was 30 years ago.
I have to fight with my 'pain demons'....so I do give you credit for being able to function. But, esp since you are all alone---is the distancing worth it?
Hope & good wishes for you as you sort this out.
My Podiatrist, which is considered the very best in all of South Florida, told me in the 45 years of practice he and 4 other consulting Podiatrists have ever seen.
My son did the very least any caretaker on earth did, except for those who refuse to be a caretaker at all. I totally loved, supported and helped my son for years and years and never asked for a dime back, bought him his 1st one bedroom Condo, promoted his work and schooling efforts to the 9th degree, and after all of that, he just wanted the state to take me and have a total stranger take over my life, control it,and take away a few of my important Consitutional rights, and he never let on, and we were best buds as a father and son, and the day that he had a Therapist come over my home to see if she could help me, he lest, and after he left, this Therpist ranted on and on for 30 minutes in great detail about how I was the very worst father in the entire world, I should be put in prison put into a mental institution..yadda,,,yadda..,yadda and I said nothing back to her rant since it was all a joke.( I never laid a hand or finger on him), and he was too chicken to meet me face to face as he did in the past for anything that he thought we needed to talk about. He never showed up at the Court hearing, and pissed of the Judge like I have never heard of.
The few things he wanted were things I had purchased his as gifts, which he wanted back, like one board game, one weeks supply of emergency food ( which I bought for him), and a small portable camping store which he used to go camping which I also bought for him but I stored for storms at my place, since we were staying together ( his idea ) during storms.
PS. My pain is 24/7/365 at an average level 8.out of 10.
Let him have his board games and camping equipment. You have no use for them. A person with "a person with a great sense of humor, a good & positive outlook" would not deprive her son of his own belongings.
You may be deceiving yourself. It is not hard for a person who suffers a lot of pain to be much nastier than they think they are being. It is also not hard to be nicer in the interviews than a person might be on a day to day basis.
Leave things alone for a while and let things cool off. You may be able to form a new relationship based on friendship and mutual respect, but only if you show him some respect and kindness first.
He was also interviewed by the same court appointed Therapists and social workers to qualify his statements in the Court Guardianship papers he filed, and the said he was as close to exploding about many other things, and did not bring me up at all, and they told me that he was total nut case, and something happened to not the both of us, but to him, with me totally removed from whatever happended, but he would not discuss it.
They told me to stay away from him at all costs.
PS. Yes, I do get nasty, when absolutely no one is around, and I would rather do something myself than ask for help. He volunteered to do the pittance he did for me.
I am sure that you can get groceries delivered or you can get help shopping.
I also think you should thank your lucky stars that the razor your son used to cut your hair did not slip...............
You have resources that you can ask for help if you need it. And personally I would not care one bit if your sons organizations found out about what he did or why you need outside help.
Break with family is difficult emotionally, mentally and even physically. Take care of your mental health do not worry about anyone else at this point.
I hope you have friends you can count on, if not try cultivating some.
Maybe when his embarrassment is over he will want to resume contact. Do not shun it but proceed with caution since he may try the same thing again.
As for his belongings he should come get them. You can ask if a police officer could be there but it is probably not likely unless there is a restraining order.
The other way would be to have a set time and date when he can pick up his things and have them boxed up and waiting in the hall. If he picks them up great, if they are left there they can be donated. Tell him if they are not gone by end of the day chosen then Goodwill or other group will pick them up.
I would though, allow him his stuff. But he has to come for it with a police escort. Everything has to be written down he takes and signed off he has all his belongings. The police making a statement that your son has confirmed he received all his personal effects. That way he can't come back and sue you.
I never want to see him again. The same therapists who vetted me tried to vet him, and their conclusion was that something else happened that did not involve me at all, and he was a ticking time bomb, who totally refused their suggestions to get therapy without me.