I'm currently looking after my mum who has sever dementia with help from my sister. She is lucky to have a care package in place with care aides coming in four times a day. Even with this help, my mental state hasn’t been good since the death of my dad, now I have issues with his brother and sister who are my auntie and uncle.
They recently been putting more on my by asking me to do the shopping which is a large amount each week. They won’t accept a home delivery and have also refused to let me do it at the weekend, opting to have it done after I come home from work on a Wednesday. After discovering I’ve been struggling, my auntie is now insisting she does it herself, she has a bad hip which I’m concerned will give her major problems doing it, she will have a taxi to collect and take it home for her. Again, I offered her home delivery and no, she wishes /likes to see the product for herself. My sister isn’t so close on this side of the family thus wouldn’t be helping out as well.
Question/advice, I'm concerned going forward for their care but also I need to be mindful of my own state of mind, it wouldn’t take a lot to put me over the edge. I’m just so frustrated that they won’t use alternative measures, she also refuses to do anything by direct debit and insists on paying all bills through cash / cheque.
Anyone else had similar issues?
You need to be taking care of yourself, because if you don't, you can't be any good to anyone. Don't be afraid to say no to your aunt and uncle. Tell them if you want to, that you will set up home delivery for them, and if they don't want that, tell them you're sorry, but at this time, that is all you can offer right now, as you have your hands full with looking after your mom and trying to take care of yourself. You and your mom should be your top priorities.
My uncle has parkinsons (although mild) and i think he's putting strain on my auntie who does all the washing , cleaning and cooking for him. Unfortunately she treats him like a child as opposed to being her brother, you cannot say anything against him or make suggestions are she gets very defensive.
really she needs a basic care package from the local authority but trying to tell her thats is another thing. I might just have to let it ride until the point she cannot cope at which point i'll make the suggestion as opposed to volunteering and picking it all up myself.
They were quite generous in giving me money to do the shopping but its not about money, it's about my own sanity!
In the meantime, you do need to set boundries. Tell your Auntie that you are sorry, but you shopping for her on Wednesdays is too much with working f/t and coming home to care for Mom. You would appreciate her getting food delivery but will help her on Sat.
If this Aunt and Uncle have children they need to enlist them to help. I have a feeling you have always been the one who people counted on and you really didn't mind but things have changed. You can't be there for everyone. Your Mom is top priority. You need to make them realize that the care of Mom, handling the death of your Dad and working f/t takes up your Days. You need time to yourself to re-energize. They need to do as much for themselves that they can. I just love people who ask for help and then tell u when its convenient for them. I too did stuff for friends and family with no problem. But it was always in my time. If I wasn't doing anything OK, but if I had plans it had to wait. Since caring for an infant for my daughter and then right into caring for Mom, I do no volunteering even though Mom is gone. If asked I gladly would do it, but I have not obligated myself to do it again and can say no if I don't want to. Volunteering seems to be you now have obligated yourself. Its now expected.
This is the first Wednesday in over a year that i've could come home and see my mum and then not worry about going out shopping again for my auntie and uncle. I feel relived.
If they ask again im likely to say no if its expected every week (forever!), i'll suggest they get some care assistance in, although im willing to do things on occasions, and would still set a home delivery up for them, although this will never happen due to my aunties resistance to it.
thanks for advice
If she gets into a Taxi and goes shopping let her. It is not your responsibility.
Appreciate the comments.
So sorry about your Dad's passing.
Hugs from the U.S.
Jenna
If your aunt is happy to pay for taxis to and from the supermarket, I should let her get on with it. Her hip is for her to worry about - don't take responsibility for it.
As you're obviously online yourself, if you really are willing to do your aunt/uncle's shopping, why not use click and collect? It would cut the time down considerably. I know Sainsbury's do this, so I expect the other major retailers do too.
But reading your post, it seems that these small practical issues aren't really the issue. I'm sorry to learn that your father passed away and it's clearly hit you hard. When did this happen?