He had 6 elective surgeries in 4 years (mostly orthopedic, no illnesses) and is scheduled later this week for his 7th. He pretends to include me in the planning but schedules them 100 miles away in a larger city even when the local reputable hospital offers identical care. He then expects me (65) to take him (often in winter and bad weather) while laying all of the burdens of daily life on my plate, including the heavy work of cleaning up after storms (we have some inconsistent help that is quite expensive). He insists on having a car with standard transmission “to feel more connected to the car” which means I have to drive him to appointments etc until he can shift and clutch comfortably. He is a retired health care professional but will not consider medications to help despite being recommended by his orthopedists. He only wants the “fix” of surgery which hasn’t always been successful and has been expensive with out of pocket costs, etc. I’ve raised all these concerns repeatedly over the years and told him I wasn’t willing to take him to anymore surgeries unless he is willing to be more flexible. He has asked a 78 year old friend to take him to the surgery this week (snow is forecasted). He has always been highly perfectionistic about his body and abilities and will not accept anything less despite the realities of aging. I was very supportive of him with the first few surgeries but now have lost all empathy. We have been married 32 years but I’ve had it and feel trapped. I believe he would have a big problem if the roles were reversed.
I have been taken to task on Forum by my own beloved members in the past for saying "But 65 is SO YOUNG! Guess I will again. My daughter is 62 still working, so very active. My SIL is 70 and so active, a real hiker. Both still driving and one still working.
The truth is that when your body gives OUT, you are feeling OLD even if you are only in your 30s.
To go along with that, there is that chronic pain is one of the leading causes of terrible depression. There is nothing quite like waking in pain, spending a day in pain, sleeping through pain and awakening again in pain.
You say that your husband is choosing to travel to another place 100 miles away. And you claim there is as good a hospital nearby. But for me, there simply MUST be a reason he wants to travel to another place for his surgeries and his care.
When you ask, what does he tell you that reason is?
You are trying to change his choices of doctor for procedure and place and he is the patient. I would stop trying to change HIM, and just explain what YOU can and cannot do.
If you do not feel safe transporting him this 100 miles in bad weather, then tell him so, and do not do it.
He currently has made other arrangements.
Fine. That's good.
As to car with standard transmission, if you are uncomfortable driving it tell him so and do not drive it.
Your saying he is "laying the burdens of daily life" on you, to me sounds harsh. He is ill and apparently this is ortho pain. I don't know if this is back related or how related, but he can't do it. If you cannot do it either, then it gets hired out. There is really no choice.
I think this has likely been ongoing a long time. You want him to do his own medical choices your way and he is a medical professional who wants to do them his way.
Just tell him that you cannot be there at the levels he wishes you to because
A) you are uncomfortable now driving a stick
B) you don't wish to drive him 100 miles back and forth and he will have to arrange his transportation however he does that.
You however have no right to manage where he seeks care and how he does the medication routine (or not). Your opinion is great, if sought.
This is tough. He's in pain and depressed and you are worried and overwrought with all he cannot do, and with the fact this doesn't seem to be getting better.
This is one of those tough times that's covered under "in sickness and in health". I myself am dealing with a spot of bother, and it has an impact on my partner of 35 years. Whatchagonnado?
I wish you both the best.
Thank you for your response. These are my thoughts exactly!
Thanks for your thorough and "spot on" response.
If your husband doesn’t like your decision he will have to make other arrangements.
Don’t become involved in the other arrangements. Spare yourself from the stress of dealing with it.
Let others tell him what they are willing to do for him.
I'm 65 and was playing tennis 3-4x a week until I developed osteoarthritis in both knees. I had a total replacement this summer, then blew out my right elbow tendon when I returned to tennis. I'll need a 2nd total replacement surgery soon, and am going tomorrow for a surgery consultation so I can recover full use of my dominant arm since PT wasn't productive. Eventually I'll need a cataract procedure. I also had kidney stones surgically removed inbetween all of this. Still, I'm healthy... it's just my parts are not keeping up and there's solutions for my problems so far.
When you say "elective" (orthopedic?) surgery, can you be more specific? If it's anything like I've been doing, I don't blame someone for trying to keep their mobility intact, or vision or whatever.
I can imagine since he's not discussing it with you first it feels very disrespectful and frustrating, and tiring. I think drawing a boundary so that he needs to find his own "caregiver" for recovery like you did is as much as you can do, and just pay for storm clean-up from his funds, not yours. Tell him if he wants to go to appointments to rent one that's not a manual. Then may consider couples counseling.
Who in their right mind would opt for "elective" surgeries if not needed?
You may want to let him know that as we get older and have to be put under anesthesia, that it has been proven to often cause dementia and dementia like symptoms, so if he's wanting to stay "young" he may want to rethink all these surgeries as he's asking for trouble with his mental cognitive abilities.
Your husband is making his own life decisions so make sure that you're making your own as well and setting your boundaries as necessary.
Perhaps also confer with his PCP and share your dilemma; seek counseling support for your spouse.
The first knee surgery took place ten years ago. Since the he has started to develop dementia and I am caring for him by myself at home. But, it is really taking a toll on me physically and mentally. I am comforted by the knowledge that if I had convinced him to choose the ankle replacement procedure and it had failed, I would feel guilty today. My recommendation to you is to try to keep up with new options for any orthopedic procedures. Try to help him make the right decisions for both of you.
He has always been highly perfectionistic about his body and abilities and will not accept anything less despite the realities of aging.
He may be a narcissistic personality. Read about and understand there is 'no' convincing or changing a person's mind when this is a brain disorder. Whether he is diagnosable or not really doesn't matter although it may help you understand his behavior better - for you to make healthy decisions for yourself.
I was very supportive of him with the first few surgeries ...
This tells me that you (used to...) 'give in' to his thinking and behaving. And it is long over-due that you assess the 'how' and 'why' you behave(d) / respond(ed) like this. This involves you feeling self-empowered / develop / take back your personal power.
but now have lost all empathy.
You are 'finally' burnt out realizing that your input, intended support doesn't register/matter to him. In his eyes, he is 'ruling the roost,' in charge - and will continue to do as he wishes. So ... you learn to LET GO. Period. Go arrange some flowers and let him stew / be / you shift your focus. He won't change. He's 'happy' with himself.
Now that you 'lost all empathy,' you will be able to step back and take care of yourself, and release your attachment to him in ways that drain your energy. As you now feel a lack of empathy, it seems like your energy is (finally) drained - so you can focus on yourself and your needs (exercise, gardening, friends, outings.
You seem to have realized that he will do what he wants and that you no longer are 'hitting your head against a wall."
We have been married 32 years but I’ve had it and feel trapped
This is the crux of your post here. YOU FEEL TRAPPED.
The questions are:
How do you feel trapped?
Why do you feel trapped?
When you understand what is running you, you will be able to 'un-trap' yourself. I know it isn't easy to change after being in a routine 32 years of marriage. However, if you feel trapped, you have to change. He won't.
This isn't easy inner work to do.
However, if you want 'you' in yourself, you need to deal with the fears and disappointments - and commit to the unknown path ahead ... towards being a whole-person.
Gena / Touch Matters
In any event, he might just be leaning towards the narcissistic edge now. I understand this as I used to be able to hop out of bed but now at 80, I have to do a bit of a dance (rotate the feet, wriggle the pelvis) to get there. And who is the old lady with the gray hair creppy skin and jowls staring at me when I look in the mirror? Yeah I would kill to be 70 again but it's not happening so I do what makes me feel good and allows me to accept the fact that at 80... I can't do many of the things I used to do except in my dreams. I put on make up, don a hairpiece (unless I'm going to ride a horse.... wigs get hot under those helmets) and dance to my own rhythm. While retired healthcare professionals are sometime bad patients, he seems to be taking it far beyond that and it may be time for you to draw a line, understanding that there may be consequences if he decides to step over it. If he wants to have an elective surgery 100 miles away when there is a perfectly good hospital that is closer, well he gets to figure out his transportation.... by himself. If he likes a standard transmission so he can "feel closer to the car" remind him that you are the one driving and you don't need to feel close to the car.
Sounds like he needs counseling but I have no idea how you can convince him of that because he is "perfect". There have been some good suggestions from other forum members and I can only wish you the best on this part of your journey.
Now..no more.
He went to rehab.
She went somewhere else.
Just saying...
I can remember my FIL kept doing something similar and we kept facilitating it for a long time. At one point - without regard for anyone- he scheduled an elective back surgery. It was very ill advised - read - not a surgery that was recommended for someone his age, in his condition, in the first place - he was around 79 at the time - and he was getting these devices inserted into his back.
Typically this surgery was ONE device inserted and recommended for people in their 50s-60s. More rare was 2 devices. Very uncommon was more than 2.
My FIL was 79 and getting THREE devices inserted into his back. WHICH WAS LITERALLY NOT RECOMMENDED. But this incredibly arrogant surgeon promised him the world (promised he would WALK out of outpatient surgery when he didn't even walk in!!) and my FIL ate it up with a spoon.
He scheduled it when we had vacation already scheduled and paid for. My DH only had certain times he was allowed to take vacation and it was non-negotiable. FIL did not have to have this surgery. We BEGGED him not to schedule it when he did. He said WE would just have to reschedule the vacation.
We did not reschedule or cancel the vacation. He called his sister from out of state and had her FLY IN to take care of him. Because guess what - he didn't walk out of the surgery lol. He ended up having to stay in the hospital for a few days and then we brought him home and stayed a couple of days and then were going on vacation and he thought we would stay home with him. When we finally convinced him that we weren't going to do that - he freaked out and called her.
When people are used to you always doing what they want - they will continue to do whatever they want and expect you to facilitate their wants.
He continued to manipulate and treat everyone like crap. But one thing he didn't do was ever schedule a surgery without consulting all of us again.
If you stop always doing what he wants and aren't always available he will either start consulting you or find other options. If you are always the solution, he doesn't have to find another one.
I'm a 64 year old personal trainer and currently have 4 clients in their early 70's. I tell them that they're rock stars because they're in the top 2% of people their age who are willing to commit to pursuing fitness through exercise. We consistently work on mobility, balance, strength and flexibility. One of our main objectives is being able to get up and down from the floor without using their hands. We also work on agility. I digress.....
You already know that your husband doesn't need to have these surgeries, so I applaud you for refusing at this point to be a part of it.
Your husband is thinking backward about what the results are going to be from all of these surgeries. Having - elective - surgery and then having to go through PT and rehab of the joint, not to mention the effects of anesthesia can absolutely hasten the aging process.
So. Has your husband ever worked out consistently? Would he even consider hiring a personal trainer who is experienced in training older adults? Would you be willing to join him, at least in the beginning if he's reluctant? Something to think about.
Mom certainly benefited from physical and occupational therapy. It’s so important for our mental and physical health to remain active.
What’s great about working with therapists and trainers is that programs can be modified for each person to suit their situation.
Mom did end up relying on a walker but because she was able to participate in physical and occupational therapy she stayed out of a wheelchair.
She wasn’t bedridden until she entered her ‘end of life’ care home shortly before she died at age 95. She was in my home for 14 years.
I was grateful that she never gave up on working hard in rehab and home health. Exercise is such a great stress buster too.
Another good friend of Ares is really loosing it. Smokes weed morning to night, and walks around checking his BP every hour.
Anyways retirement age is not easy, on most people
When you think about it, 65 is rather young to be retired. I wonder if he resents that he had to retire early, thus all the surgeries trying to feel young again, and maybe back to work.
Give him Mr. toads wild ride.
instead of using the brake so much down shift .. go speed racer go..
tell him you just want to get the real feel of the car and road.. POP THAT CLUTCH.
Shift hard.. stall it, and then from the stop, rev up the engine and punch it and get to 4th gear as fast as you can.. then down shift as fast as you can to 2nd gear.
while your at it, find the hardest rock n roll station and crank up the radio till your eardrums are almost bursting..
YAY!! Now we’re having fun
🤣
I’d consider working out a budget for necessary basic joint spending, and another budget for discretionary spending, split in half for each of you. Buy your own car, the cheapest smallest second hand automatic you can find. Maintaining each car comes out of the appropriate discretionary half budget. You only drive your Modest Minor, and you can give him a lift - if he can cope with the indignity of being seen in it. His elective surgery and his stick shift car comes out of his discretionary half budget. That gives him the autonomy that Alva suggests, but HE pays for it.