My mother and I have an estranged relationship. I was put into foster care at the age of 13 due to physical abuse. After becoming an adult and getting married, I decided to try to have a relationship with my mother which turned out to be one of the worst mistakes I could have made. Mostly due to the fact she was abusive even in my adult age and was abusive towards my children. She also has tried to claim that she hired a hitman to kill my husband. After all of this, I cut all ties once and for all... 3 years ago I get a call from a psych ward she was in that she needed placement into an assisted living facility, which I did help her with. Even after my husband and I helped her with that, it turned out to be the same thing. As always, she threatened us, wanted to have us arrested and killed. Even telling all of the workers at the assisted living facility that she wanted nothing to do with me. Now 3 years later, I am receiving a call for the first time from the assisted living facility letting me know that if I do not respond to them in 72, hours they are going to call adult protective services. I have had to protect myself and my family over these years and have been advised, even by my own therapist, not to have anything to do with my mother. I don't know what is going to happen next. Can someone please give me some insight or advice as to what I need to do or what can happen?
People who neither caused nor can fix the lives of their parents go to tragic lengths to try to change the outcome.
That'll give them an idea of the extent of your relationship.
Don't worry -- she won't be abused or shut in a closet somewhere. She'll receive the care she needs without anyone involved carrying the emotional baggage that plagues you. It's best for all involved.
Don't be afraid to say no to the staff or APS. It's their job to try and get family to take responsibility, so they have to ask. They will understand.
You are not punishing your mom, by saying no, in order to protect yourself. Nobody in your situation could be a good caregiver to this person. You are not a bad daughter and you need to put yourself first.
Don't be afraid to say no to the staff or APS. It's their job to try and get family to take responsibility, so they have to ask. They will understand.
You are not punishing your mom, by saying no, in order to protect yourself. Nobody in your situation could be a good caregiver to this person. You are not a bad daughter and you need to put yourself first.
"3 years ago I get a call from a psych ward she was in that she needed placement into an assisted living facility, which I did help her with."
What kind of help did you provide? Who signed the contract for the ALF?
Who is her POA/HCPOA?
I doubt this will escalate, it sounds like it is part of the process that needs to be done to remove her from the facility. If it does escalate, then retain a lawyer and have them communicate to you via your lawyer.
Protect your mental health and do not engage.
This must have opened up a lot of old wounds for you. Very awful. Your mother doesn’t deserve any help from you.
Take care of yourself.
Imagine what fur might fly if this wasn't done!
"I am receiving a call for the first time from the assisted living facility".
Edited as read all the replies now.
You are not her legal POA/Guardian. Tell the AL this.
I think Country Mouse explained it well - the AL Manager may have felt the need to attempt to call family before contacting APS. They can tick that box now. The language they used seemed intimidating... certainly would be a shock to hear.
Maybe your Mother is needing a different living arrangement but lacks insight/judgement to discuss or arrange? Maybe the AL is unable to manage her behaviour or care needs? If these are the facts it does not follow you need to get involved - that you have any obligation to arrange her life.
You have probably come across F.O.G? (Fear Obligation Guilt). It is apty named. This fog can cloud us. I hope some of the replies can help you to see through any fog - see things clearly.
This new contact from the AL has no bearing on your decision to be estranged or not. That remains your decision. No-one has the right to undo it.
You can get involved OR NOT at your decision. Use that past experience to guide you.
I am so glad that you are not POA for your mom. I wouldn’t want to have any responsibilities concerning her care. After how she has behaved, she doesn’t even deserve to have a relationship with you or your husband.
I would say that the AL has to show they tried to make contact before APS was called in. I would not call the AL. They gave OP 72 hours. No call from her so onto APS.
Good that you took no responsibility for her. Sounds like ur DH will stand with you. NO is a one word sentence. Don't say yes to anything. They will say they can help you find resources but that is not so. Its very hard to place a mentally ill person. The State will get her placed a lot quicker.
It will also save APS's then having to dilly about trying to contact the OP to ask the same questions.
If you want to be kept informed tell them that too. Try not to worry that people have some kind of agenda to force you into taking responsibility for your mother. The services who will be making best interest decisions on your mother's behalf are not likely to recommend that her guardian should be the person she has alternately abused and rejected over decades.
Just deal with it, as annoying as it is, then move forward with her life.
This is important because if you have any kind of legal authority for her then you will have to formally relinquish this over to the state.
If you don't and you are merely her listed contact then you don't have to respond at all. Let them call APS. They will mke her a ward of the state.
I’m in New Orleans. I haven’t been to Bossier City where you are. That’s near Shreveport, isn’t it?
Do not let them steamroll you into doing anything that is not safe for you or your family.
I am sure you have plenty of documentation as to her abuse. If APS does come knocking answer their questions, do not elaborate.
If necessary you could get a lawyer involved but I do not think that will be needed.
Please come back to update us if they contact you again, and you (hopefully!) tell them you cannot and will not get involved.
You were placed in a foster home due to abuse. Clearly, she has mental health issues. You owe her nothing.
I understand that you would have liked to reconnect with her and build a relationship but she isn’t capable of doing that. I’m so sorry.
If you must meet with the staff at the assisted living facility, then go ahead, but why in the world would APS be involved?
You haven’t done anything wrong and have tried to help her even though she doesn’t deserve your help. She is the one who has threatened you and your husband.
The burden of proof that you are wrong must be presented by her. She has no evidence of anything!
Resolve this matter at hand, then wash your hands of it. Walk away and never look back.
You deserve to be happy and live in peace. Enjoy your own family which doesn’t include her.
Best wishes to you and your husband.
APS will probably call you. Tell them you will not take on the responsibility of your Mom. She is mentally ill, has threatened to have your family killed and abused you as a child and the reason u were placed in foster care. You have tried to help but had to walk away. Tell them to do what they need to. What will happen is a guardian will be assigned by the State. That person will be responsible for her care. You will not have to be involved at all. If the guardian calls just say, sorry I want nothing to do with her.
You are under ZERO obligation to your mother. If you are contacted by APS tell them that you are completely estranged from your mother, who in all likelihood is mentally ill, and who has threatened the lives of your family. Tell them that you REFUSE to have anything whatsoever to do with this woman who you no longer consider to be in any way a relative of your. Tell APS that you hope that your mother will become a ward of the state, and wish the state good luck in dealing with her.
The end.
Again, you are under no obligation to have anything whatsoever to do with you mother UNLESS you take on guardianship, POA or conservatorship of her; see to it that you do not.
Please get and read the book by Liz Scheier, a memoir, called Never Simple. Ms. S. attempted to help her mother for many decades, along with the city and state of New York. Nothing worked.
Stay away from this woman. Sadly she is your mother by accident of birth. There is no reason she need to anything else in your life. I am so very sorry. Make a family you can shower with loving care and take great delight in. I wish you the best.
Please protect yourself and your family.