MIL has run out of money and about a year ago asked her two kids for help. (She does get a good SS payment each month and some public assistance). At first this was split evenly and the amount was manageable until my spouse's sibling stopped contributing. Now it can be very difficult for us some months as my spouse works in sales and commission is very unpredictable. MIL asked me to help her apply for renewal of her aid, and through that process I became aware of her monthly expenses.Basically I found that it would be reasonable for her to manage all her expenses with us contributing half of what we have been. Would she have to be a little more careful with some things? Yes but I do not feel the limitations are unreasonable. I explained our financial needs and at first she was willing to work with me; we basically did the checkbook and paid bills together. It was very beneficial for me to know the cash flow so we could still help her but also pay our own bills when commissions aren't good. After about a month of this, she has told me she doesn't want my involvement anymore, it feels too confining to her. I responded calmly, again explaining our need to manage both her needs as well as ours with a fluctuating income. But inside I am very frustrated and yes, a little resentful. Given both our circumstances, I feel its unfair of her to expect a check from us monthly without us knowing what is really going on. How would you deal with this situation? I am thinking of writing down a budget that would show her how she can pay all her monthly expenses, including rx, groceries, and some spending cash, and need only half the amount we've been giving her. We'll be happy to give her more when commissions are good. On the other hand I do not feel like just blindly writing the check every month any more. She is mentally capable, but does find some things overwhelming (like the aid forms I helped her with) and I think is more stressed with finances in general. But she does not want to give up control. And at this point, that is not my goal. I simply need to know what the cash flow is, so to gauge exactly how much assistance she does require at the end of the month. What should my next steps be?
Does your husband have good disability insurance? Do you have enough ready cash set aside to tide you over a couple of months if your husband had an accident or illness and was unable to work temporarily? Are you setting aside money for your own old age? If your situation is financially sound then I applaud your generosity. If helping MIL support herself in her old age is taking away from your own ability to support yourself in your own old age or in a temporary period of unemployment, then I'm not sure about the applause. Maybe you need to rethink the situation.
Assuming you can afford to help support MIL, then, yes, you deserve to know what is really going on. You have found that out. You know that she can get by adequately on her own funds plus $x from you each month. Give her $x each month. If things change for her or she can't manage on the amount you think should be adequate, then revisit the situation. Helping her fill out the aid application each year will give you insight into her financial situation.
Tell her, "You're right. You do a fine job of paying your own bills and managing your money. I'll bow out unless you ask for my help. We are going to be able to give you $x the last Friday of each month. If you'd like, I can help draw up a budget so you can see how your income will cover everything and what amount you'll have left over as spending money. But I'll only do that if you want me to."
Good luck!
As long as his sister was a player it did prove doable. When she dropped out of the picture, we were in the season of the year that sales are typically good and commissions high, so I kept the status quo. It was during this period that MIL solicited my help with the aid paperwork, and I began sharing my observations with my husband, in regards to the question of just how much support she needed. He agreed and actually was the first to raise the question of whether we should be more involved in her finances. He is not happy with his sister dropping out of the program but we don't want do create a family feud either. There may be a time we have to come back to her, but I want to do that constructively. So when at first, MIL seemed amenable to let me know what was going on, and keep track of things, it was a huge relief to me. Managing two budgets, hers as well as mine, actually was a simplification of my situation. Not only do I deal with a fluctuating income, I still have one child finishing college, and we are recovering from my husband's layoff three years ago. So jeanne, no, we don't have all the assets you are describing, I have been working so hard to re-establish those things (I actually have a second job). I can manage the cash flow of two households as long as I have all the information and some input. If I don't have the info, then it's not realistic. And its not realistic to provide a blank check.
all responses reinforced that to me, so thank you very much for helping me to proceed forward in a guilt free fashion.
What has happened since the conversation with my MIL, when she told me she no longer wanted me involved in her bill paying. During that conversation I indicated our financial needs, and that I couldn't simply give her a check each month without knowing what was going on. We ended the conversation without agreeing on a plan. It was not a conversation that was angry in any way - but even though my communication was controlled I am sure my frustration was evident.
I did not call her for two days afterwards. Even with the storm. (Power did not go out in our area) Call me mean but I was resentful, angry, frustrated. Thats when I turned to this forum. I learned a lot in a short amount of time. And your responses helped me.
I did call her this evening. Her first concern was that I was angry with her. Call me manipulating, but I chose to say a white lie and say I was just busy. But I knew I also had a bit of a power position, if you get my drift. She was on the defensive, explaining that she didn't want to share with me every expenditure she made. For example, gifts to extended family members. (Well she's right, I don't feel she should feel obligated, and if its coming out of my pocket, forgetaboutit.) And she went on to say, that she is expecting a tax rebate this month, so she is trying to manage things so she won't be needing our check this month.
I said great, but I had also come up with another plan, that I wanted to go over with her personally (not over the phone). Which is, an amount (essentially half what we were trying to give before) that after discussion, both hubby and I are comfortable with. It will require her to adhere to a budget, which I have prepared, both in general, and specifically for the month of November, because I know some of the specific bills before she closed the door. So I am taking the tack of "here's how much help you can count on, this is when it will be deposited, here's a plan for managing your bills".
If she is successful with this, great. If she is not and requires further help, I am then going to stand firm with her (and hubby) that we need to have access to all info on her monthly cash-flow, and also then begin conversations about POA.
thanks to this community for info and support!
also, additional replies and advice are welcomed....