He has begun wandering. I took a leave of absence for 4 wks to find suitable daycare for him. I was able to find a wonderful, affordable memory care place so I could go back to work. He was in the program with the people saying what a wonderful person he is. Over the last week he has been balking when we drive up and he is to get out and go in. We had been telling him that he was not part of the program but a volunteer to help with the program. Not sure what happened as he even said what nice people they were. That was all he ever said about being there. They asked him to come back and he said sure. Today when I dropped him off I was told that they were releasing him from their program. They said that 4 of the ladies complained of improper advances towards them. They also said that they had thought that he was going to have a fight with one of the men in the program. Truly, this conduct is not tolerated, and I get that. So, I have just applied for another LOA from work to try again to find a place for him to go. As you all must know, memory is not his friend. He wants to go home, which would be about 600 miles away, IF his mother or any other part of his family were still alive. He remembers none of it happening. There is really no one here to help me. His son is 600 miles away where Mom used to live. He and my children don't get along, more like gasoline and a lit match, BOOM!
so, here I am trying to hold things together, sort of. I have been reading what you all have expressed and, yeah, that's me too. It is good to know there are others out there. I have one good book The 36 Hour Day, by Nancy L. Mace, M.A. and Peter V. Rabins, M.D, M.P.H that I suggest to anyone. It's given me a lot of insight. I would go to my church for help, but due to Covid it had to close it's doors, so here I am. I am happy for ANY advice you may have. Thanks
Frana, you're where I was 5 years ago. His demands have exceeded your ability to properly care for him. His wanting to go home does not reflect a place, it reflects a time in his life that is no longer possible to live. It's great that the 36 Hour Day helped some, but it's time to look for a new home for him now. As tough as it will be, you'll find relief in not worrying about “what's next”. It's always the ODTAA ( one thing after another) syndrome. As Grandma suggests, call the VA if he's a vet. Also call your Area Agency on Aging to get suggestions. But at this point, it's more about your health and sanity. I think you seriously need to consider a MC facility. I wish you well.
If so the VA might be able to help. A lot has changed and new rules now allow a spouse to get paid for caring for the Veteran.
Also depending on where and when he served he/you might be able to get a little help or a LOT of help. It depends on where and when he served.
So if he is a Veteran please contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission and they can help get the information you need.
My Husband was "kicked out" of one Adult Day program and I had to find another. I went to a local facility that has Independent/Assisted and Memory Care and asked if they had a Day Care Program in their MC section. While they did not at the time within a week or two of our meeting they started one. I was able to bring my Husband 3 days a week I dropped him off at 9 and I would pick him up between 4 and 5. It was a locked unit so I had no worries that he would wander. I eventually used the same place when I had to place him for Respite and if I had had to place him I would have chosen that place because he was used to the place and the people. So you might want to check a few MC facilities in your area and ask if they will take him for day care.
I have to add...
I said I would keep my Husband at home. Period. End of statement. I later revised that to
I would keep him home as long as it was safe.
Safe for him for him for me to care for him at home.
and
Safe for me to care for him at home.
If he is wandering it becomes no longer safe for him.
It might get to the point where you will have to consider placing him in Memory Care. If you do this is not a reflection on you, or how you care for him but it becomes an issue of safety. I would same the same if he were to become violent. Or if he were too large for you to care for him transfer, lift, turn or if he tried to resist you in any way that might put you at risk of getting hurt.
It’s a hard decision to place your loved one in memory care. We cling to the idea that we should care for them just a bit longer, that somehow we can make life better for them if we’re just a little more patient, work a bit harder to entertain them, find the right program, etc. But their brains are broken and we cannot fix them and can’t even do much to make them happy for more than a few moments. Meanwhile, our own health suffers.
Weirdly, since moving to a home 6 months ago, my husband knows he’s married to me almost all the time. This is helpful because reminding him he’s already married relieves the anxiety he experiences when he’s convinced he’s proposed to another imaginary woman and then wants out of the bargain. He’s thrilled to know marrying them wouldn’t be legal so he’s off the hook.
He’s happy every morning and anxious and unhappy every night. As several friends pointed out when I contemplated bringing him home because he was so unhappy there in the evening, he was unhappy at home, now he’s unhappy there. All that’s changed for him is geography. It’s a hard thing to acknowledge that I can’t fix that. My own health and outlook has improved immeasurably since I moved him. It may be time for you to consider memory care for your husband.
And though your church has closed its doors, there are many still out there and open, so I hope you will find another church that can stand by you during this difficult time. Wishing you the best.
I think you need to place your DH in a MC or LTC whatever u can afford. I would see a lawyer (well versed in Medicaid) about getting your assets split. Medicaid allows for this. Your husbands split gets spent down and then Medicaid can be applied for. You will become the Community Spouse staying in the home and having a car. Usually the monthly income, SS and pensions, are split so the Community Spouse gets enough to live on but you work so not sure how that will work. But at least you have secured your share of the assets.
If your husband was in the service during Wartime, the VA does have an Aids and Attendance pension to help with care. This pension would help in offsetting some of the cost of a MC. Your County should have a VA office.
So sorry you are going thru and this is a hard decision. But by placing him, you can go to work every day knowing he is safe and cared for. Not this trying to find a daycare only to have to keep finding another. Maybe eventually having to quit your job only to end up feeling resentful.
This is a horrible desease. When the vows "in sickness and health" were written people didn't live to be 86. Life was so much different. Now, it takes 2 incomes to live. It takes a village to care for someone with Dementia. One person cannot do it all. So, place your DH. Let professions care for him. You can still be there for him. Better that he sees you as the smiling face that comes to see him than the person who is always tired and maybe resentful. Looses patience. It ends up being a 24/7 job.
If your husband can't be left alone, you really only have a couple of options. Quit your job and stay with him is option 1. If you can't quit your job or don't want to, then you will have to bring someone in to stay with him throughout the day while you're gone or you will have to place him somewhere.
It's not uncommon for those with dementia to exhibit "hyper-sexual" behavior...which would explain the unwanted advances to the ladies. You don't mention the type of dementia he has...Lewy Body is known to show aggressive behavior.
It is very difficult to manage the care of someone while working. I wish you the best.
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