Hi, kind of at wit’s end here. Been to therapists and drs and no one can seem to give me any advice that will make a difference. Figure those that could help most are in the same boat so here goes…
Since dad died over 3 years ago, it is one problem after another. I would do anything for my Mom and feel like I have tried it all to keep her spirits up through all the mess - through his passing, her move back to New England from our West, selling their things to get her money, then through her Breast Cancer treatment and now through her incredible depression and loneliness. She even lived with my hubby and I for 2 years, which caused many a riff and fight among the fam. She wanted to live in a 2 bed apartment. Done but the loneliness and depression are at an all time high. Her memory is getting worse and I know that is frightening as well for her and adds to her frustration and depression. I take her to see all her drs, do all her medicines, know her medical history and pick her up and take her out to dinner at least 4-5 times a week. In fact, haven’t even lived my own life in fear of Covid so didn’t see friends or do holidays to keep her safe - especially after the chemo :(. Thing is, when she is in a good mood, it all clicks but more often lately it is just all bad. I even took her for a week to Miami last fall to enjoy the beach in a swanky hotel and just got back from San Diego to see her 90 year old sister a few weeks ago. But.. the excitement wore off and she’s not eating much and each time we talk, nothing is good enough.
I’m tired. I miss normal life but the guilt is killing me. I get it is not real guilt I deserve but if I put my self first and know she is home alone sad and not eating great, it kills me. My husband tells me I’m fighting a battle I can’t win because you can’t make someone happy. I get it. But, it still kills me to see her memory fading and the sadness and crying almost everyday when I’m busting my butt to make things nice. My job is very demanding and my social life is starting to come back (I Covid test before I see her each time) but I’m just depleted, exhausted and angry and don’t want to resent our relationship. I’ve lost interest in all my old hobbies and honestly I almost need to drink a few every night just to go to bed and do it all again tomorrow. I can’t travel and hubby is getting annoyed as we used to go to Europe and snowboard and ride motorcycles but the board and bikes are all dusty and my brain is focused on Mom, then job and I get the scraps. It’s not enough anymore and my anger and tiredness are just always present. Looking into assisted living but know it will be too small or too expensive or the lady looked at her funny or something else when I can start touring those facilities.
I would do anything for my Mom and feel like I kind of have. She had a tough marriage as Dad was always yelling at her. Now I yell because my patience is GONE. Than more guilt… Anyone else in this boat? Advice? I’m just pooped and pi**ed off. TIA
The bottom line is that nothing in life remains constant, it either gets better or worse, in the case of aging, there is no real better.
Your first priority is your family, your husband and any children. Your husband deserves better, why should he give up his life for your mother because you are involved in a codependent scenario with her?
It is no longer what your mother wants, it is about what is best for all concerned. There is only one answer, assisted living, if it is too small, so be it, you are not responsible for her happiness, and the fact is no matter what you do you will not make her happy.
My mother fought my brother and I for ten years about going into AL, finally she had a slight stroke and was afraid to stay alone at night. We swooped her up and moved her to a facility in Fl.
Her is the twist, she loves it, friends her own age, activities, bus trips, beautiful dining room and more. Now she says "I wish I had done this 10 years ago"!
She has a studio apartment around 500 sq ft, plenty of room for her, a small kitchen, her own bathroom. What more could she want? Nothing is the answer, she is safe and well cared for.
Don't let her misery ruin your life, you can travel, there is no reason why not, you have placed yourself in a self-imposed prison with invisible bars, you hold the key in the palm of your hand, use it.
Reframe your thoughts, stop saying "I would do anything for my mother". Start doing something for you and your family. No one made your mother stay with your father, that was her choice, now make a positive one for you!
Sending support your way!
It never ceases to amaze me what people put up with in the name of supposed "love."
Her mother has had her life and this posters only priority now should be herself, her husband and her children. Period, end of sentence.
Sometimes the things we think we want aren’t the things we need.
Are you aware that depression manifests often as anger?
And that it allows you one more thing to throw on your heap of guilt and self-hatred.
Did any of these therapists ever explain the word guilt to you?
Did they mention that guilt requires responsibility, and that it infers that you CAUSED your mom's woes and you can fix them?
But you DIDN'T cause them and you CAN'T fix them so there goes guilt out the window and I don't even charge 200.00 an hour.
The proper g-word is grief. Words we TELL ourselves matter. And this is worth grieving.
You have lost a Dad but your Mom lost a hubby. The person who told her who was who and what was what and made her feel safe; that's all gone.
THEN she did another huge life change with losing her friends, home, and lifestyle by moving.
NOW she is going through another life change, and that may be losing her very mind slowly and over time. ALL WORTH GRIEVING. Allow her the tears and allow your OWN and know that there isn't anything you can do to fix this.
Did your therapists ever speak to you of enabling and enmeshment? Did she/he discuss obligations to your immediate nuclear family? Your hubby? And the priority of those needs? While you are out to eat with Mom 4 or 5 days a week what of him?
K, your mom has my utter sympathy. I am 81. I can only imagine what she is going through. But you cannot fix that. And she must recognize that you and your family have a life. And she has to learn through grief counseling or her own therapy how to move forward with hobbies or other things while she is able. YOU can't take care of that. You aren't god, or a Saint, or a fairy with a wand. You can't fix this.
Your Mom may need to consider ALF so that she has people, activities around her. She may need medication to help with depression, or counseling, or grief work, but that isn't yours to do.
You are going to need to find limits and boundaries now.
Start by talking to hubby about what time you can/should spend with Mom. Then, other than emergencies that is that. You need together to make a schedule you can life with in your own lives.
You have a woman you moved by you who is in crisis. And it has now thrown your OWN life into crisis.
If you have therapists who sit and count the money without input, who listen to the same stories without helping you identify goals and break bad habits, they are/will be worthless to you. You need one who will shake your world. In my experience personally it is only the world-shakers who help.
You have a lot of issues on your plate. I welcome you to Forum.
Begin a list. ONE AT A TIME, these issues should be addressed. And ONE AT A TIME you work through them.
I am so sorry for all the chaos. Your life must be so anxiety provoking right now, and you likely wonder that you aren't the MC at a three-ring circus. But only YOU can take control now of the acts. I wish you the very best.
Stick around on Forum and read. You will learn so much; I sure did.
Do it with a smile while often enduring various types of abuse.
You can't give up your life to give her a purposeful life.
Obviously all you do isn't doing anything to make her happy so it's time to pull back and focus on yourself. Maybe mom needs to go to adult day care or a senior center to socially interact with people.
And please stop with all the covid testing. Those test swabs have cancer causing chemicals on them.
It is a natural instinct, when you love someone, to want to "take care" of them in their time of need - however that care needs to be manifested. And it is gut wrenching - not to mention guilt inducing - when you come to understand that there are just some things you can't "fix".
You might be able to let go of some of your guilt if you can convince yourself that, just because you haven't been able to achieve "perfection" with mom - in your case "making her happy" - doesn't make what you've done so far a "failure".
I've had to do a lot of soul searching when dealing with my daughter, who suffers from anxiety and depression. For a long, long time I felt - on some level, rational or not - that any episodes she had were, in some way, at least partly due to some lack on my part. Not my "fault", per se, but a lack. And if I couldn't guide her out of her episode, somehow that was my lack as well. It took me an insane number of "pep talks" to myself to be able to achieve a sort of "peace" with it. At least in the sense that I can acknowledge that while her mental health issues aren't her "fault" or due to any "lack" on her part; equally they aren't mine, either.
It's hard to get there, mentally. I still have times that I struggle with it. I don't know that it will ever "go away". But I can say that, repeating that mantra to myself has helped me tremendously. Maybe it can help you, too.
Why are you taking Mom out to eat 4-5 nights a week? That’s too much away from your family at your home. Get Mom in assisted living where she is not so dependent on you . She will have dinner with new friends .
You are at the end of your rope and this needs to change or trust me you will regret it when mother is gone . When my mother died I was very angry at myself for being neglectful of my husband and kids . Either Mom will be happier in assisted living or she won’t , that is up to her. And dont let her put guilt trips on you . You set boundaries of how much you can visit . I eventually put my Mom in assisted living , at first she was angry , but when she adjusted she was less miserable than when she lived alone . She was always sad about my fathers death , I could not change that . My father in law is in assisted living and refuses to socialize., that is his problem .
It’s tough but it must be done. It’s best for all of you. Did a therapist tell you that you were spending too much time with Mom? Did you listen ? Or did you think you had no choice because she is miserable . You have a choice . You need courage .
Best to you and hugs -K
What could you possibly have to say to each other that many times a day?
Then on top of that you take her to dinner 4-5 times a week?
IMO this is a "you" issue, your mother is only the receiver of your codependency, you two are feeding off of each other. You are a helicopter daughter and this behavior is detrimental to everyone involved, especially your husband, how he puts up with this is beyond me, I wouldn't.
I hope that you seek some intense therapy to help you work through these issues, including guilt, which is a self-imposed emotion that is keeping you stuck, to me you are grieving what was and cannot accept what is.
I wish you the best!
And I will add, based on my own experience with my own mom, NOTHING you do will be good enough. Not that it is not good enough, but your mom will determine it is not good enough
There is a Far Side comic from years ago, where there is a house, with a yard in front of it with a lawn mower and a zig zag pattern having been done with the lawn mower
A dog is at the front step, begging for a treat from the homeowner, and the home owner yells, saying what? you call that mowing the lawn? Bad dog, not biscuit for you, bad dog
So while your mom is up, you need to realize she is up and it is NOT YOU that is the problem, it is HER.
The point is the homeowner is upset the dog did not mow the lawn right But he doesnt seem to comprehend it is a dog, and will never mow the lawn right
Your mom is like the dog, and it will never be good enough because being her, she is unable to to think its good enough.
it’s all just sad all around - sad for us caregivers and sad to be in decline as the parents.
You can acknowledge that this is a sad situation but you can’t live her life for her. She is the only person that can choose how she wishes to view her circumstances.
You have gone above and beyond. You’ve done your tour of duty. Your only goal should be how to come to terms with resuming your life. The sooner, the better.
My world was very bleak as a caregiver. I became numb to everything. I didn’t even realize how bad it had become until I stepped away.
It’s so exhausting to continually try to make things better for our parents.
Once I separated my life from my mom and discovered who I was again, my whole outlook improved. Wishing you peace as you move forward in your life.
Sad how this same story repeats in this forum so much. Thanks for the reply and thoughts. I do find when I have a day or two that I don’t go there that I realize I am a person too.
As luck would have it, as I was driving Mom home tonight, she mentioned I seem really tired and should think about taking a couple weeks off from work. So yeah, she sees how tired but does not realize how much is due to trying to keep her well fed, amused, healthy, etc…