Why is it that the parent's favorite child frequently does little to no caregiving at all?

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Why is it that the parent's favorite child frequently does little to no caregiving at all?

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I frequently read where it is the case, and I see it happening in my own experience with my parents. My older sister has always been my parent's golden child, and she is doing next to nothing to assist our elderly parents.

Ironically, my sibling owned a home care agency for 15 years where she staffed nursing homes. She sold it a few years ago, but I assume she would have retained knowledge in this field and she never applies it to help her own parents.

I used to do many things for our 85-year-old parents, but have stepped back a lot since it is unappreciated and largely overlooked. My parents never liked me better for it, and it never elevated my status. That is not the case with my sister though. Is it a sense of entitlement where those who grow up as the favorite child assume they do not stoop to the low level of caregiving? Is it that such people grow up never having to do anything for anyone else? Is it lack of empathy? I am curious what makes this a common dynamic.

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we are three daughters and I’m the oldest. Our parents are pushing 94 and live in the house we grew up in. They have a lot of needs. My mother’s favorite daughter has recently decided to check out and provides minimal help these days. She breezes in and out having her visits with mom and dad and leaves the rest to the two of us. I’ve started to resent it. I recently hired a part time caregiver for 6 days a week for 4 hours a day. I deliberately chose to give the caregiver her one day off, as the day my sister does not work. I asked her to fill in that day knowing full well she could not justify to me why she can’t do it. So she does knowing full well that the two of us are in the trenches. Makes me feel better knowing she is doing something. As far as being moms favorite, I never wanted to compete. She can wear the crown, no biggie for me.

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Interesting observation(s). I would say that 'just being' is enough for those golden kids to be crowned king and queen adult children. Who knows. It could have something to do with the other children 'trying' harder to be 'good' in order to gain the attention they deserve / want / crave (as children growing up) and they can never measure up due to how the parent(s) feels.
Although possibly your question here could be rephrased HOW DO I FEEL OKAY in this situation? From personal experience, there came a time when I had to learn to fill that parental 'hole of love' in myself by myself. It is a process - of focusing on self-care. You may not 'need or want this emotional / psychological hole filled' although others reading this might. My sister was favored, too. She was the first born and I came 363 days later (we are a year less two days apart). Empathy. I had to learn self love and self and other compassion and empathy on my own. In fact, I had to learn how to develop in healthy ways by myself, learning how to be my own inner parent. It is a process that never ends although I am very aware of myself and the choices I make. Life isn't fair. Parents aren't trained to be 'good' parents. (Although I feel there needs to be schooling for parents. Unfortunately, parents bring their own baggage to the 'family table' if they don't work on themselves and most do not work on themselves (nor see any reason to). Most people are unconscious walking through life . . . until it hurts so much we do what we have to do to change. I learned COMPASSION for my mother as a healing process for myself. She did the best she could with the skills, life experience, wounding she had. While much of her ... teachings were negative reinforcement which I had to undue for myself to the best of my ongoing abilities, I likely came am a much better person because of it --- revering nature, the Redwoods, learned who I am to my core... it took / takes ongoing inner work to heal and be the person we want / envision ourselves to be. Gena

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You do it for God's glory, nobody else's. Don't step back. At the end of the day or a life you will feel the pride and have no regrets. What others choose to do or not do is on them. Keep on keeping on. Your a good soul and God knows it. Best of luck to you!

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Sometimes we do things just because they need to be done, not for the status or appreciation we get for them. It's best not to compare yourself to your older sister. How would you want to be treated as an aging parent? Are they neglecting things that they should be doing? Do they really need all things you were doing for them, or are they still able to handle things on their own? Maybe they don't want to burden you. You can make sure that they know that you are available to help if they ask for it and need it, and leave it at that.

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'Why is it that the parent's favorite child frequently does little to no caregiving at all? I frequently read where it is the case, and I see it happening in my own experience with my parents. '

That is definately NOT the case, in my experience. Bottom line is, the siblings that help, are the ones who help, and the ones that don't help, are the ones that don't help. That, is in my opinion, the only true generalization one can make.

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My BIL would have told you that all his life growing up that my husband was the favored child. That was his perception because my husband is very non-confrontational and a rule follower. He rarely got in trouble because of those things, and my BIL assumed/saw that as “he is the favorite”. My BIL was always more of a rebel, more in your face, etc. At the end of my in-laws life, my husband and I provided care to them, as we lived the closest. What was very interesting that I can now see in hindsight is that my BIL became the Golden Child-simply because he was not around for the hard stuff. He didn’t have to tell them “NO, you can’t go off driving across the country in your car-it’s not safe.” “No it’s not safe for you to drive your car at all.” etc. My husband became the bad cop and my BIL who would call weekly or visit yearly became the favored one. BUT we saw it for what it was and used it to our advantage. We made him the money manager. He also had back us up on those hard decisions-like he flew down when it was time to give up the car and since “it was his idea” it went over much more smoothly. So my advice is to leverage it!

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I’m my father’s caregiver and alleged Golden Child. ( An odious affliction)
In my experience, my father’s least favoured children(my siblings) decided I was to do the caregiving since I’m his favorite.

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But you didn't have to agree to do it. And why can't you change the situation now?

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GingerMay: Perhaps the answer lies in the premise that the golden child has falsely elevated themselves, e.g. 'placed on a pedestal' and therefore, may deem themselves unsuited for the difficult work that hands on caregiving requires. It doesn't make it right, of course.

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One thought… the one who does the least also causes the least friction because they never have to say no! Therefore, they are more likable?

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That's right.....................no friction at all: that made her appear to be grateful and appreciative: my misjudgment of character! In reality, she just learned how to disappear and not be responsible for anything.

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Man.. hearing this breaks my heart. What a terrible emotional situation to be in....
Explanation wise... you could be right. Its so darn easy to look down on people serving you so that could be one explanation... another possibility is that they sense your desire for acknowledgment of which they are incapable of providing and are reacting to that.... it could be a number of things.
Before i made the move and started caregiving for my parents solo (have 1 brother), I established my personal & emotional boundaries what I wanted and what I was willing to do / not willing to do. This helped me but that doesn't mean its not hard at times. I still have to enforce them.
My situation is different from yours by a huge margin. I was the favorite child and stepped up, and let my brother live his life with his family, since I dont have one.

My best advice would be to emotionally cut ties to that past situation, your sister and give up on the idea of attaining any remnant of acknowledgment from them or just being your amazing self. It kinda sounds like ur already doing that. Other than that, my heart goes out to you and sincerely wish you the best. You're worth more than what they've shown you anyhow. Best!

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I kind of just stopped caring and doing for others who are demanding, unappreciative, lack boundaries. Regardless of who they are…..

If you can’t respect me and demand my time, all for free, then I’m not going to do for you anymore. Plain and simple. I love and respect me more then to be berated and disrespected. If that burns bridges or makes people unhappy, then so be it. At the end of our lives, our biggest regrets will be how we reacted to things and how we allowed ourselves to be disrespected.

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I stopped volunteering my time. It seems people think you have all the time in the world if you volunteer. You can ask, I probably will do but it doesn't mean I have to do it again. I have been so taken advantage of.

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No answer to the question or the vent but I have to tell you................. you guys are making me even more grateful that I am an only child!!!
Peace

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I've read on this forum that some only children feel targeted for caregiving because there are no others to share the burden (ha, as if that really happens).

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You're absolutely right.............as the parent of the World's Worst Narcissist, and through the lens of hindsight, I raised the person you describe. I take blame for making her life so easy and safe; I got things for her before she even knew she needed them, I loved her before she was even born and thought she walked on water. As a result, she is not an empathetic or generous person. My biggest regret is that we did not embrace volunteer work that included her; she is devoid of a soul and I deeply regret not prioritizing her ability to give, rather than receive.

We never expressed an expectation of her taking care of us, but she got it in her head that we could and became quite agitated that we would need her to step up.......I just said, I will never ask for help from anyone in my family. It put me on a course to start planning my own earthly departure and to financially arrange a safety net. Current events with my husband, led me to this forum, and has propelled me into figuring out the details so that no family member will suffer the consequences of "holding the bag."

If stepping back helps you let go of resentments, then you've really made a decision to do self care. Good for you!

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Is your daughter first born or an only child?

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Boy, this struck a nerve. My parents had my brother later in life, I was the oldest and my sister was adopted. Although I well understand the placement of siblings and the dynamic it holds, nothing prepared me for the glaring favoritism which was bestowed upon my brother. I wasn't living at home when he was born (twenty year age gap) and my sister who was ten at his arrival was already pretty self sufficient. It wasn't until my brother was married that we understood the true significance which equated in $$$ (hundreds of thousands) and time spent helping to raise his two children. No, he didn't need the money. He had a great paying job with good benefits. His wife worked. They enjoyed an upper middle class lifestyle. We are talking about substantial down payments for three houses, numerous cars, and very generous gifts for the grands (including trust funds). My sister and I received token gifts for our children and if any money was needed, it was to be paid back with interest.

Fast forward to present....my mom passed away in May due to dementia. My sister, my dad, and myself took care of her the entire time. She insisted on staying in her home until her passing. When we were there, mom would continually point out her "treasures" that were to be earmarked for my brothers family. Even with her broken mind, she was clear as to who was her "favorite". To say this was a struggle for all us is an understatement. Brother was MIA. Now my dad (93) is living in a house that is far too large and a continual burden for us to maintain. Once again, brother can't be inconvenienced and lives a mere ten minutes away.

I guess the moral of the story is that anyone who has experienced the hurt that comes from being less than in the eyes of a parent, has to make decisions based on what they can live with. Caregiving is hard enough without the constant reminder that in their lifetime parents chose not to regard their children as equals. Some can get past this and help because the need is there and the sense of obligation is strong. Or some choose not to because they must step away for their own emotional and physical well being. There is no judgement. It is essential for us to be aware of our limitations for our own survival.

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Your father didn't do anything to stop the financial bleed to your brother?

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Mcsheal - there is always a choice. You have made the choice to help them. Probably because you don’t like the outcome if you don’t. But, it’s still a choice. You can only control your own actions, and once you accept that you may find peace.

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I find that most of the time it is child the parents cared for the least (usually a daughter) that ends up becoming enslaved when they become elderly and needy.
The least cared for child is often the family scapegoat too. The one parents blame every ill of the world on and everything that ever goes wrong is their fault in some way or another. Even when there's no way to connect blame to the scapegoat in any way, they will make it fit somehow.
In my family I am both the least cared for and the scapegoat. The parents are the ones who set the stage for how the world is going to treat their child. If they dislike them, disrespect them, and make scapegoats out of them this is how everyone else will treat them too. Sometimes the child can with great effort and difficulty overcome it in adulthood like I did, but many times they can't.
People always say to abused caregivers and family scapegoats that others lash out on the people closest to them beause they love them the most.

What a great crock of steaming sh*t that is.

Bottom line. Your parents did not love and care for you as much as they loved and cared for your sister. No matter how long you enslaved yourself to their needs or how much you did for them.
My parents (especially my mother) did not care for me like my other two siblings. I was her emotional dumping ground and scapegoat since I was a little kid. No matter how hard I tried, and I did try for a long time, I was never as good as my sister and brother. I even allowed myself to become enslaved as her caregiver. It isn't enough. Nothing from me will ever be enough for her.
I've come to the point in my life where I accept her as she is. We will never have the kind of loving parent/child relationship I wanted. She tried to make some genuine amends to me for her behavior, but I think even those were made more out of guilt than out of love.
It is what it is. Change what is within your power to change. Accept what is not within your power to change, and have the wisdom to know the difference. I learned that in an Al-anon meeting. Truest words ever.
I'm walking away from being my mother's caregiver. She's on her own. Maybe my sister steps up, maybe she doesn't and the state has to. Either way I'm done. I hope you are too.
You have value and importance. You have something positive to contribute to the world. If your parents can't or refuse to see it then that's their problem not yours.
Let the "Golden Child" your sister take over and let me leave you with a good bit of advice.

Never do more for a person than they deserve from you.

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Never do more for a person then they deserve from you. SO TRUE!

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Why, because they were never expected to do. So why would they do it now. Especially, when there is someone that can be made to feel its their job.

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I think the answer to this lies within your parents, and they would probably never be able to explain it to you. There is no rhyme or reason. The inability to provide unconditional love to both you and your sister is a tragic fault in their parenting. It is unfair, and it is inexplicable. I have walked in your shoes, but have a good sister instead who is very fully vested in our mother's care. Do what you want for your parents, expect no thanks, and put more energy into forming good, loving relationships with people who appreciate you (if you haven't already.)

I once heard that "the heart is a house with many rooms," but for some people that is certainly not true. There is only one room, with rigid rules for entry, and anyone not able, or willing, to fit through the door is rejected.

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"The heart is a house with many rooms", huh? That's a lovely sentiment.
As far as the hearts of my parents go I didn't even make it into the one room with the rigid rules.
I got a dusty spot on a rusty shelf in the garage with a wasp nest in the corner.

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You need to understand that not everyone is a caregiver. Doesn't matter if they owned a caregiving facility or not. There is no law that says anyone is required to take care of parents. Parents should also do their best to save for the period of time when they will need help.
Afa the favorite child, perhaps he/ she feels another sibling is the favorite. Be careful what you wish for. Each sibling has their own way of doing things in caregiving. That can collide pretty powerfully with other siblings when helping mom and dad. I think it best that you do the best you can with what you have until it's time for placement into a facility. You need to let your anger go, realize no one is perfect and stop all your resentment. It's not healthy and just not worth it. Please let it go.

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Fo no reason whatsoever, my mother always told me I was daddy's golden child. And she resents me greatly for that. I certainly didn't have the insight to TRY to be his favorite, and I am not happy about the way my mom makes it be such a 'thing'.

I am NOT her favorite child, in fact, out of 6 kids, I'm sure I'm #6.

There's no rhyme or reason.

I have 5 kids and I love them equally, but differently. And they know it and tease me about the 'current favorite'--which, OK, any parent is going to have times when one kid is being much more lovable and great. BUT--that's just life and then there's times when the 'favorite kid' isn't the favorite kid, but, shoot, I would NEVER tell them. Each has a place in my heart and all the in laws too.

The capacity for love is boundless. I am blown away by the amount of love in our family and the love and support the kiddoes give each other.

I don't know if I got lucky or I was good mom. I think it's mostly luck. And love. I have seen my kids help each other and do things that you wouldn't believe for each other. As the inlaws married in, they were included. In fact, a lot of the time I 'Like' an inlaw better than their spouse, my blood child. :)

If being mom's 'least favorite' helped me to see this, then not being the 'Golden Child' stood me in good stead.

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They believe their time is more important than yours and they have been able to get away with everything for years by the parents.

If your sister is the favorite child then she is probably the one with POA. If she is my advice is to step aside and let her do everything and then you can just visit with your parents and do things when you want.

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I am the favorite and the youngest. Yet with my mother's age, I am the one that takes the brunt of it. She has become a miserable person and I am her care taker. I think it was expected since I am the favorite and youngest. I love her but I tell ya I wish there was more preparation for her elderly years because I have new appreciation for people who are care takers. The amount of emotional abuse we have to endure is crazy.. We won't get into the financial side of it either.

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kolea,

Put her in a care facility. NO ONE has to live with and tolerate abuse from anyone.
If your mother is unable to control her miserable, abusive behavior because of dementia, put her in a care home.
If she's unable to control her miserable, abusive behavior because she wants to make everyone around her miserable,
put her in a care home.

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You seem to have more resentment toward your sister than difficulty with helping your parents. Trying to earn their appreciation is not a good reason for helping them. If there are things you are able and willing to do graciously and with sincerity, go right ahead. If you are only doing something to get a "thanks," forget it.

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When I was young I was always told: to have a friend, be a friend. So not true. You can wear yourself out being good to some people, with no appreciable gain. Attraction to different people, whether in friendship, romantic relations or family relations, is based on pheromones, and you either have them or you don't. This is why mean girls are popular, and why the eternal answer to the question of how your date went is: He was nice, but . . . .

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I'm in the same boat. Oldest is the favorite. She can do no wrong, even though she's not done much to help in the last 14 years.

I get that the first born may be the golden child. That makes sense. And I don't think that 'love for the first born' ever fades based on how much another sibling does for a parent.

In my case, the parent and my older sister are afflicted with the same mental illness. So I think there's that bond. If they have similar personalities, I think that has a lot to do with it.

Also my siblings have never had to step up to the plate because I've always done it. If I hadn't, I doubt they would, but in reality, I haven't given them much of a chance. So that's on me.

Also people who aren't as emotionally or mentally mature, have a hard time dealing with the decline of a parent. Washing, bathing, handling day to day issues is not easy for any child to do for a parent. It changes the dynamic of who you are and who they are. It's easy to be a paid caregiver. It's much harder to be a family caregiver. And some people don't want to do it.

So you asked is it a sense of entitlement? Don't think so. It's a sense of that person is not emotionally mature enough. But it can also be that sibling has better boundaries. If the parent can financially afford caregivers, then no reason to have you do it. You doing it may signal to you that you may need better boundaries, and it sounds like you're moving in that direction. And yes, people do grow up not being expected to help. I don't think it's lack of empathy. You don't know what your sibling went through with your parents. Although you both were raised by them, their experience could have been worse. Not saying this happened in your family, but sometimes a parent abuses one child, but not the other.

So I think you could boil down the common dynamic as:
Not emotionally mature enough to handle it
On the flip-side has better boundaries than the other child
Their experience as a child didn't match yours & they don't want to help the parent for that reason
They have created a life they don't want interrupted and you're willing to take on the role.

There's not one thing that is the same throughout, if you asked me. Every family dynamic is different. Cut yourself and your sibling slack. It's really your parents fault for not planning and not handling their own affairs.

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You hit the nail on the head…it is our parents who are at fault for not planning and arranging what they were going to do as they aged.

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I agree and relate to many others reply’s.
I also believe we should do whatever we can to assist elderly parents, whether appreciation is shown or not.
It’s hard, especially when it’s not wanted, leaving one feeling like there’s nothing left to bring a parent and child together.
Just never forget, parents are more set in their ways and less likely to change; especially when mental health problems have been an issue.
I’m the eldest son, and did a lot for my father in my teenage and early twenties, now I don’t feel needed at all, but my younger half siblings are needed. So, I do what I feel inside is the right thing to do.
My late Grandmother began telling me when I was 13 yo, life’s not fair, and life will get harder and harder the older one gets.
Her words have been proven true, so I do the best I can

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As the golden child in my family I can say I do more than my fair share of taking care of my mom. I'm the one running the finances, calling the NH to inquire about new charges when mom has supplemental insurance to her medicare. I'm the one getting on a plane and flying home to do the court filings and making sure the money is in the account to pay the bills. So while many of you are bashing the GC not all of us are entitled. I am the youngest of 5. 1 has died already and the oldest who gets everything in the will because mom was too "busy" sitting around the house to change the will before she got diagnosed and committed, has had to be bailed out financially several times to keep from losing his business and home. Is on his 5th marriage and doesn't spend anytime with the kids he's had with 4 of them. Has been in trouble with the law as has one of the other ones and the other two are drug and alcohol addicts. Me I paid for my own college education when mom said they couldn't afford to send me to college thanks to Jimmy Carter. I'm not an addict of any sort. I didn't ask for money when I got laid off from my job a week before my first marriage and I've never filed bankruptcy or been in trouble with law. Yet because I'm successful in life, 30 years at the same company, 2nd marriage of 13 years with a child, nice home and a nice 401k along with a military pension coming I'm seen as not needing anything from the estate when mom passes. So because I applied my parents teachings and was successful all the estate should go to the stupid who spent their money on fun and pleasure instead of thinking of the future. I'm not sure why you're concerned about the GC in your family. You either want to take care of your mom or you don't. Jesus said love your neighbor as you love yourself. He didn't say to expect to be loved back. And that goes for family. But that is what care giving is, giving without expecting. Caregiving isn't a union team as one commenter seem to come across as. It's caring for that person that can no longer take care of themselves and trying to make what's left of their life a little pleasant without getting anything in return except to know you loved them regardless of how they feel about you. If you're getting burned out from care giving consider a NH. Its not something you can do 24/7 on your own. I hope you find the guidance you're looking for on the site and I'm sorry to have vented about the GC but again not all GC's aren't doing anything to help. I tried to get my mom to come live with me, she refused. I tried to get her to update the will and offered to fly up and take her to the lawyer, she accused me of wanting to know how much she had. She just didn't trust anyone. Its sad because the one who wanted to take care of her the most is the one she spurned, and the one that got the guardianship of person and gets everything in the will put her in a home within a month even though I was paying for people to come to the house to watch her so she didnt have to leave.

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Sorry, I don't think you are really the Golden Child. You are the successful child. Big difference.

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Simple they feel entitled because they have always gotten things. Therefore giving back is not in their wheelhouse.
you only have a lifetime of conditioning to blame for it.

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My brother, the youngest, was always the golden child. He did almost nothing to help. He did agree to take mom when we went on an eight day vacation, he then tried to back out of it at the last minute-my then husband called him and changed his mind. Otherwise, that was the longest break I had in 19 months of caregiving.
As a caregiver, I was fully cognizant of who and what my mother was (I didn't have a name for it yet back then), and knew that I'd never be appreciated. As the oldest of four children, I also knew it was the right thing to do and carried on with what had to be done. I'd held out the hope that maybe mom and I could have a nice chat once in awhile about deeper topics as far as some of my observations about the family dynamics. Nope. That did not happen, she would become quiet and distant when those subjects were brought up. OK. Much later in therapy, it was pointed out mom was a narcissist and boy did that make so much sense! They do select golden children, they do pit their children against each other, they do triangulate arguments and problems, they do not have empathy, and they do not care about the damage done to all involved.
The golden child has not spoken to me in years, they seem really, really angry about everything (much like his father-who he hates) and it's just not possible to mend this, and that's ok.
I know I did the best I could, that I rose to the occasion and my mother had good care. I learned a lot doing it too, which is serving me well in this next stint of caregiving for my husband's dementia.

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"The world appreciates what you are doing"?

What this 24/7/365 caregiving slavery is doing is enabling the situation to continue. Until caregivers say NO MORE and mean it, society won't change.

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I'm amused at your response. Caregiving slavery implies that the person is forced into it against their will. No one has to do the care giving. All they have to do is go to court to get them committed and they can be put in a nursing home like my brother did to my mom. And you say until the CG says NO MORE as if its a union shop, society wont' change. So if the CG says NO MORE you think society is going to step up and help take care of the elderly? Interested in your thoughts here.
Thank you.

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Why is it that the parent's favorite child frequently does little to no caregiving at all?

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